What a TV chef would never say:

As well as music, news and various other programmes, many of the city-based radio stations had recipes that were easy, quick and cheap to make, presented by some of the leading chefs of the city. They were presented step-by step, in real time; more than one station took a field trip of sorts to the guest presenter's home kitchen to record and broadcast from there. While the food was cooking, resting or whatever time requirements were needed, the station played music, or did the news, thus acting as a sort of egg-timer for the listeners who were cooking, and a break for those who were not. Mostly, it was just plain and simple home cooking, but some of the more foreign dishes were… different, to say the least.

"So, that's the bird plucked and stuffed. All that remains is to kill it."

In fact, some of them bordered on animal cruelty.

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The first person to become a professional radio chef was from the Southern sector of Amestris, having moved to Central in her late teens and now, as a mother of three, was considered to be an expert on making large yet simple and inexpensive meals for all of the family to enjoy. She was the one who had chosen the name for the programme, trying to make herself sound approachable, fun and bubbly. She also always used the same phrase to greet her listeners.

"Welcome to one fat lady!"

Approachable and 'bubbly', yes. Professional and encouraged by the somewhat conservative radio station owners? Not so much.

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When the cooking shows caught on in other parts of the country, the tone was altered somewhat, especially in the more agricultural areas where it was generally quantity and speed that were looked for in a meal, rather than being 'chef-y' and making each plate an identical work of art in presentation. Not only this, but being in agricultural areas meant that the guidelines of socially acceptable on the air were slightly altered from the big city where the closest you got to a cow was when it was on your plate. Children knew from a fairly young age both where babies came from (it was not hard to see the correlation between the rams being let into the fields and the lambs a few months later) and what happened to animals once they had outlived their use. As a result, Pinako Rockbell did not have any reaction to the sentence she heard upon turning her much tinkered-with radio set on.

"We use only the freshest ingredients, so this is Daisy and this is a stun gun."

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The chef that had been lined up to speak for Channel Five fell ill with food poisoning the night before he was due to host and it was not an easy thing to get recording equipment into a hospital. That left them wildly casting around for someone – anyone – to cover the slot for him. The chef they had knew that he was a last-second choice, and clearly could not care less.

Normally, the chef on air would be giving very clear, very precise instructions and descriptions of whatever it was he was making. This one left the listeners in confusion and more than one meal ended up looking, smelling or tasting very… odd.

One example of his crystal clear instructions was this:

"And here, what you want to do is put a little of the brown mixture in the tin and then sprinkle a little bit of hash on the top of it."

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Most of the chefs were more than a little obsessed with getting the presentation of their dishes perfect. Part of this was because, the next day, there would be a small column on the newspaper with the ingredients, instructions and a small picture of the finished result.

Aside from this, it was a source of personal pride, to have beautiful-looking food, and soon enough, there were serious rivalries over who could have the most enticing plate at the end of the show.

Some chefs, however, could not care one bit about how it looked; all that mattered was the taste, surely? It could be refreshing, to have someone who focused purely on flavour, rather than making the housewives, househusbands and singles cooking at home feeling slightly ashamed of their less-than-perfect presentation.

Of course, there were always those who took it slightly further than that.

"If you're wondering how to get the perfect skin on your parsnips, then you're mental."

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Edward Elric, Fullmetal Alchemist, Alchemist Of The People, Little Alchemist and, most recently, Fuhrer President of Amestris, had been invited to be a guest presenter on a cooking show.

They would be doing two recipes; one presented by a professional five-star chef well accustomed to catering for the tastes of the rich and famous and the other presented and, up until airing, kept secret by the man himself, the head honcho, the amazingly talented and strangely attractive –

GIVE ME MY LAPTOP BACK!

The other presented and kept secret by the short, shrimpy midget Edward Elric, property of one Miss Winry Rockbell.*

Now, he had no culinary prowess beyond managing not to kill himself or Ling with 'boot stew'. Thus, it was no surprise to those listening who knew him that he would take the easy way out.

"You just need two things to make this dish. What you need is a takeaway menu, and a phone."

*Revenge is a sweet dish, shorty.