The Witcher: Part XXIII
Heroes of Newell
Previously, on The Witcher:
Geralt defeated the number twenty-two with a logical paradox and trapped it inside his mind. Unfortunately, his enemy, Severus Hitler, travels close behind.
The journey continues...
Ciri was, funnily enough, the first to see the massive city, even though she had the poorest eyesight. Team Witcher landed their carpet at the city gates.
"Who are you?" asked the guard.
"I am the Witcher," said Geralt, as if the merest mention of his identity would get him past anyone.
"What's that?" asked the guard.
"Basically, it means I can do magick and am destined to save the world from Hitler's reign of evil," explained Geralt.
"What's that?" asked the guard again.
"Are you stupid?" asked Lady Feudalism. "He already explained!"
"What's that?" asked the guard once more, this time pointing behind Geralt.
Team Witcher whirled around to come face to face with a giant bear.
And the bear charged forward, and attacked with its mighty claws.
Geralt was caught off guard and was bowled over. Iorverth drew his sword, but the bear knocked it out of his hand. Lady Feudalism ran to Geralt to check if he was okay, leaving Ciri alone to face the bear.
"Oh no," said Ciri, as the bear charged forth. And then she reached into her bag and pulled out a mustard gas bomb.
"Ayy lmao," she said, as she threw the bomb into the bear's mouth.
It started to cough, and its eyes bulged freakishly. The bear screamed in pain and fell down, dead.
Just then, a fat man wearing glasses waddled out from the city.
"Well done!" said the fat man. "That beast has been plaguing our city of Newell for a while. So I thank you, the Heroes of Newell, for saving us."
"Who are you?" asked Ciri.
"I am King Gaben. I will give you riches and a house in the city of Newell as thanks for your great deed."
Team Witcher sat in their new house. It was quite nicely furnished and had really nice sofas.
Also, Geralt hadn't spoken since Ciri had killed the bear. His face was red, a rage slowly churning within him. Lady Feudalism and Iorverth looked afraid.
And then Geralt's rage broke.
"WHAT THE HECK DID YOU JUST DO?" he yelled angrily at Ciri. "YOU JUST MURDERED A BEAUTIFUL, INNOCENT, SEXUALLY REPRODUCING BEAR!"
"WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE THE GOOD GUYS!"
"YOU CAN'T JUST GO AROUND MURDERING ANYONE YOU DON'T LIKE!"
Geralt took a deep breath.
"AND WITH GODDAMN MUSTARD GAS, NO LESS! MUSTARD GAS!"
"GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!"
Ciri scrambled to the door.
"DON'T COME BACK!"
And then Geralt took another deep breath.
"Don't come back until you're ready to repent for what you did."
Prince Severus had arrived in the great city of Newell.
"Where is the Witcher?" asked Communist O'Lenin. "We need to find him first if we want to kill him."
"I say we book a hotel room first," said Severus. "I suspect the Witcher might be staying in this city tonight. We need to be here also."
Severus and his comrades entered the nearest hotel.
"One room for three," said Severus.
"That will be 60 rupees," said the hotel owner.
"We don't have any money," said Severus.
"You need money if you want a room," said the hotel owner.
"We don't need money," said Christian Grey. He grabbed a ceremonial axe that was hanging on the wall and aimed it at the owner's neck.
"Give us a room, or you'll die," said Christian Grey.
"That's just a ceremonial axe," replied the owner. "It's no good for actual killing."
And then Christian Grey lopped off the owner's head.
"Come on," said Severus. "Let's find a room."
Ciri walked down the streets of Newell alone.
Combine soldiers, the policemen of Newell, patrolled the streets. There were quite a lot of them. More than one would normally expect.
Ciri walked along until she saw a store she liked. She walked in.
They were selling portal guns! She grabbed one, dished out 400000 rupees (King Gaben gave them each several million rupees and plenty of gold), and wandered out of the store with her new portal gun.
"Ayy lmao," she said, fingering the trigger of the gun. She stared up at a ledge on a nearby building.
"I wonder if I can get up there," Ciri said. She shot a portal onto the ground, and one onto the ledge. And then she jumped into the portal, and found herself up on the ledge. Then she closed the portal.
"Cool," she said.
"Hello Ciri," came an old male voice from behind her. She whirled around, and saw an open window behind her.
Looking through the window was Ciri's old boyfriend Klippi.
"What are you doing here?" asked Klippi.
"YOU..." said Ciri, with 102 years of hatred being released in a single breath. "I HATE YOU!"
"Lol," said Klippi. "I thought you were staying in Cintra waiting for the Witcher to arrive."
"It's good to see you finally gave up on him."
"I'm here with the Witcher," said Ciri, emotionless. "My wait was not in vain."
"Then where is he now?" asked Klippi. "Are you coming back to be with me?"
"He... kicked me out for a bit. I gassed a bear and he got mad."
Ciri sighed.
"You can live with me, y'know," said the old man.
"No," said Ciri.
"I still looooove you," said Klippi.
"I have no time for this stupid boring relationship drama," said Ciri.
"You can't stay out on the streets alone during the night," said Klippi.
"Why not?" asked Ciri.
"There's a gang hanging around in the shady parts of town and in the alleyways," explained Klippi. "They're called ISIS."
"You can come in with me tonight, and they won't blow you up," said Klippi as seductively as an annoying old man could.
"No, I'll take my chances," said Ciri. And then she shot the portal gun on the ledge and then on a wall in one of the alleyways, and jumped through.
Klippi closed his window, and heard a knock on the door.
Ciri wandered through the dark alleyways.
Dark shadows moved about. She was in the dangerous part of town.
A man with brown skin and a turban walked up to her.
"Get out of my way," she said to him. The man said nothing.
Ciri tried to walk around the man, but he blocked her.
"Please, just get out of my way!" she repeated. The man, again, was silent.
He slowly moved up to her and moved his mouth up to her ear.
And then he whispered two words:
"Allahu Akbar."
And then he exploded.
TO BE CONTINUED
IN
THE WITCHER: PART XXIV
TALES OF NEWELL