The Witcher: Part XXIV
Tales of Newell
Previously, on The Witcher:
Ciri ran into a member of the evil street gang ISIS. And he blew himself up.
How will our hero make it out of this predicament?
The Tale of Ciri:
The man exploded, his innards become outards within a matter of seconds.
Ciri was sure that it was the end for her. And then she realised what she had to do.
She pulled out her portal gun and shot it at the man as he exploded. A portal appeared on his exploding chest, causing the blast to portal to the location of Ciri's previous portal.
There was still enough of the blast remaining to send Ciri flying into the nearest brick wall, her long white hair mildly singed.
She rubbed the back of her neck and then considered this near-death experience. In all of her 127 years, Ciri had never been as afraid as she was in that moment when the ISIS thug exploded.
In that moment, Ciri empathised with all of the people and animals she had killed over the years.
She knew true fear.
"I repent," said Ciri, a changed woman. "I am sorry for gassing the bear."
And she reached into her bag and grabbed all of her remaining mustard gas bombs, and threw them all into the nearest dumpster.
"I will never use mustard gas again," she said righteously.
Unfortunately, the mustard gas bombs all detonated from inside the dumpster, and a large amount of mustard gas was now pouring out the top. Ciri swore, and then ran away from the rising yellow cloud.
As the sun set, Ciri walked out onto the streets, and decided she would go and find Geralt so she could say sorry.
The Tale of Communist O'Lenin:
Communist O'Lenin was walking the streets alone tonight.
Grey had gone off to church or something, and Severus was still at the hotel scheming.
Communist O'Lenin decided it would be a great time to attempt to impose socialist values on the leaders of Newell.
He went up to the palace of King Gaben, and knocked.
The door was opened by a Combine policeman.
"Take me to the king," said O'Lenin.
"Why? Who are you?" asked the Combine policeman suspiciously.
"A politician, worried about a few current affairs," said Communist O'Lenin. "Please let me in, my comrade."
Happy that he had been called a 'comrade', the Combine soldier escorted O'Lenin to King Gaben.
"A politician," said the Combine soldier to the king. Gaben turned around and dismissed the soldier.
"I suppose you're here to debate paid mods," said Gaben. "I personally don't see the harm in me getting a bit of revenue when people mod the city."
"It's kind of like GST."
"That's not the main problem," said O'Lenin. "By allowing people to profit off city mods, you allow those with money and resources, the rich, oppress the proletariat even more, disrupting the social equality and harmony of your city."
"So you're suggesting I implement socialist slash communist ideals?" asked King Gaben.
"Yes," said O'Lenin earnestly.
"Good idea!" said Gaben.
The Tale of Geralt and Lady Feudalism:
It was nighttime.
Iorverth had left to go to some night market thing (he was the only one any interested in shopping).
So for the first time since Iorverth joined Team Witcher, Geralt and Lady Feudalism were left alone together.
Lady Feudalism and Geralt sat awkwardly on the couch in their house.
"So," said Lady Feudalism. "Have you... ever had alcohol?"
Geralt shook his head.
Lady Feudalism laughed.
"I like alcohol," she said.
She went to the cupboard and grabbed an alcoholic beverage. It was called 'The Gaben Spirit'.
"I don't really want to drink alcohol," said Geralt. "I don't want to get drunk or anything."
"Is alcohol against your morals?" asked Lady Feudalism.
"No... it's just that I don't want to be drunk or anything," replied Geralt. "I need to be on guard in case we get attacked by someone. Being drunk means I won't really be up to the job."
"Yolo," said Lady Feudalism.
She poured two glasses of 'The Gaben Spirit', and downed one of them in one movement.
She gave the other glass to Geralt.
"Try it," she said. "It's good."
"Uh... I don't know..." said Geralt.
"Come on, Geralt, stop being such a -"
"Fine then," said Geralt. He downed the glass.
"That wasn't too bad actually," said Geralt. "I'd like another."
"Okay," said Lady Feudalism.
She poured another two glasses.
The Tale of Christian Grey:
Christian Grey walked into the church.
It was empty, save for the priest, who kneeled silently in prayer at the front.
Grey knelt beside him.
"Hard night?" asked the priest.
"I killed a man today," said Grey. "Does that make me a bad man?"
"Probably," said the priest.
"But, it was like justified, I think," reasoned Grey. "And it was a quick death, with a ceremonial axe."
"You're probably still a bad man," said the priest.
"But it was justified though," said Grey. "He wasn't going to give us a hotel room unless we paid him money. That's like... holding our comfort hostage."
"I still reckon your soul is damned," said the priest.
"I'm here repenting though," said Christian Grey. "Doesn't God forgive all transgressions?"
"Are you truly sorry?" asked the priest.
"Is that really an important part of asking for forgiveness?" asked Grey.
"Yeah, it kinda is," said the priest.
"Every time I kill someone, I repent. Isn't that enough to make me a good man?" asked Christian Grey.
"Not really, no," said the priest.
"Like, you've probably killed some people, haven't you, Father?" asked Grey.
"Nope," said the priest.
"I'm a devout Christian," said Grey.
"And a murderer," said the priest.
"You're a rubbish priest," said Christian Grey.
And then he left the church, and the priest went back to his prayers.
The Tale of Iorverth:
Iorverth was walking home in the moonlight. And then he suddenly saw a shadow in one of the alleyways.
He decided to investigate.
He followed the shadow down the alleyway (carrying a load of groceries from the market).
And then the alleyway came to a dead end.
A small figure sat at the end of the alleyway.
"Hello Iorverth," said the figure.
"Who are you?" asked Iorverth.
The figure turned around.
"I am Tivoherr," he said. "I'm a hallucination of the other side of your mind."
"What do you want?" asked Iorverth, not all that surprised.
"I'm just here to warn you," said Tivoherr.
"About what?" asked Iorverth.
"That every moment, I'm getting stronger, and tougher, and one day, I'll take your physical form and reclaim the elf empire!"
"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" roared Tihoverr.
"Meh," said Iorverth, not particularly shocked or surprised. And he walked away.
The Tale of Severus:
Severus sat in his hotel room with his new acquaintance, the annoying old man Klippi.
It had turned out the creepy old man had planted a tracking device on Ciri, so Klippi could find out where she lived. In exchange for the knowledge of where the Witcher lived, Severus had agreed that Klippi could join him on his quest for the Sword of Death.
"We're finally going to track down the Witcher," said Severus, looking at the device showing Ciri's movements.
It was around 6am in the morning by this point, and Communist O'Lenin and Christian Grey both entered, somewhat tired from their nighttime excursions.
"Okay," began Severus to his new band of comrades. "Let's go find the Witcher, and end him and his team."
They exited the hotel room, walked down the stairs, past the front desk and the decapitated corpse of the hotel owner, and out onto the streets.
They carefully followed Ciri's movements, and they eventually found themselves in the rich part of town. Ciri's movements ended at a large nice-looking house.
"This is where the Witcher is," said Severus. "We must be discreet and quiet, and sneak in and assassinate him while he's sleeping."
But it was too late. Klippi was already banging on the front door.
"My looove, Ciri, I am here to reclaim you!"
Severus facepalmed.
The door was answered by Iorverth and Ciri.
"Hello Ciri..." said Klippi.
Severus was angry now. He shot balls of fire at the house.
"It's PRINCE SEVERUS!" yelled Ciri to the other two.
Severus created a giant whirlwind, and destroyed most of the house.
Geralt and Lady Feudalism were lying motionless on the carpet.
"Wake up!" said Iorverth.
"My heaadd..." said Geralt, suffering from a quite terrible hangover.
"No time for that now!" said Ciri, as Severus approached.
In that moment, Geralt realised what was happening. He cast a magick spell to clear the hangovers from himself and Lady Feudalism, and then he drew his sword.
"Prepare to die, Witcher," said Severus.
And then he rushed forward and attacked.
TO BE CONTINUED
IN
THE WITCHER: PART XXV
MORTAL KOMBAT