The Witcher: Part XXVI

Allahu Ackbar

Previously, on The Witcher:

Team Witcher and Severus' morally ambiguous team were both captured by the evil street gang ISIS.

How will our heroes / anti-heroes make it out of this predicament?

Geralt's vision was blurry, as he awoke in chains in a small room with concrete floors and walls. Also in chains in the same room was Lady Feudalism, Iorverth, Ciri, Severus Hitler, Communist O'Lenin, Christian Grey, and Klippi.

Geralt was the only one awake.

He tried to magick himself out of his chains.

It didn't work.

"What?" exclaimed Geralt. "What has happened to my magick?"

Severus Hitler was just waking up at this point.

"They've..." mumbled Severus. "They've injected us with kryptonite... we lose all magic or magick or magickek."

"Forever?" asked Geralt worriedly.

"Of course not, you moron," said Severus. "The inhibitor will wear off after a few hours. But I'm guessing our kind hosts are going to give us another dose before then."

The other six were slowly awakening at this point.

"We have to get out somehow," said Geralt.

"How?" said Severus. "We have no magic or magick or magickek, and they've taken away all of our weapons."

Geralt pulled at his chains. Fortunately for him, they were defective chains, due to a minor error when they were produced, causing them to rust at an unusually fast rate.

They broke as soon as he tugged them, and due to the overestimation of force needed, Geralt tumbled back into the wall behind him.

Conveniently placed on that wall, were a set of keys. Geralt grabbed them and released Ciri and Iorverth and Lady Feudalism from their bondage.

"Please, comrades release us," said Communist O'Lenin.

"Should I?" asked Geralt. "Maybe I will."

"But only if you lot promise not to attack me anymore."

"Fine, we'll have a truce then, while we get out of this place," said Severus. So Geralt released Team Morally Ambiguous also.

"Now what?" asked Geralt.

The room had only one door, and it was locked. None of the keys worked.

"I'll try to kick it down," said Iorverth. He ran up to the door and kicked at it as hard as he could.

This created a loud banging sound.

"You fool," said Severus. "We should be discreet."

An ISIS guard opened the door after hearing the banging noise, and Christian Grey smacked him in the head, knocking him out. The awkward team of eight then carefully crept around the corridors of the ISIS base.

"I hate stealth missions," said Severus.

Eventually, they arrived in a storeroom. In it, were their confiscated weapons.

Geralt reclaimed his golden sword Smite, Iorverth reclaimed his sword, Ciri reclaimed her portal gun, and Christian Grey reclaimed his ceremonial axe.

And then they were noticed by an ISIS guard. He ran forward, wielding a scimitar.

"Allahu Akbar!" he cried as he charged forward. He sliced at Geralt, and Geralt parried. Unfortunately, without magickal reinforcement, his soft gold sword bent out of shape.

Geralt said a mildly bad word at this point.

With Geralt unable to continue, Christian Grey and Iorverth charged forward, and attacked the ISIS guard. Christian Grey lopped off his head.

Geralt glowered disapprovingly at Christian Grey.

"It's okay to kill people if you repent afterwards," said Christian Grey. The team then continued out into the corridor.

ISIS guards were everywhere.

They stealthily sneaked past the load of guards, but...

Klippi slipped, and screamed as he fell to the floor.

"Damnit Klippi," said Severus, as a whole bunch of ISIS guards came upon them, all screaming "Allahu Akbar!"

Geralt opened some grating on the wall and tried to enter a conveniently placed ventilation shaft. Unlike most ventilation shafts, this one was too small for a convenient escape.

He flicked a switch in the ventilation shaft.

The ISIS guards were gaining on them, and before long, they were surrounded.

"Don't move or we'll explode," said one of the guards.

"We will take you to our leader," said another guard.

They were put back in chains and then they were escorted to the chamber in which the leader of ISIS resided.

The chamber was golden, and in the middle of it, there was a throne. On the throne, sat a figure in a full white body suit and helmet, with a tinted visor.

"Allahu Ackbar!" said the ISIS guards as they saluted their leader. The leader of ISIS pulled off his helmet, revealing salmon-coloured skin, a high domed head, and fish-like eyes.

"I am Admiral Ackbar, the leader of ISIS," he said. "I hear you eight tried to escape the ISIS base."

"We would have succeeded too, if not for this imbecile," said Ciri, gesturing to Klippi.

"My good friend, Adolf Hitler, has requested that you eight be transferred into his custody," said Ackbar. "The Nazi Elf Draugr will be here to collect you momentarily."

Just then, a white gas began to pour out of the ventilation shaft. His men began to cough.

"It's a trap!" said Admiral Ackbar.

"I switched your air conditioning to tear gas conditioning," said Geralt, who was laughing. "Now we can get out of here."

Geralt and Lady Feudalism and Iorverth and Ciri ducked under the confused group of ISIS guards, and escaped Admiral Ackbar's chamber.

Severus followed suit, gesturing to his Team Morally Ambiguous to follow Team Witcher. Unfortunately for them, Severus lost sight of Team Witcher in the confusion.

"I will get you one day Witcher, if it's the last thing I ever do!" said Severus.

Team Witcher made the escape from Newell as fast as they could. Despite the hospitality of King Gaben, ISIS made the town a bit too intense for their liking.

So they were charging forward on their magick carpet, towards their next exciting adventure.

The next night, they found themselves stopping at a small village on the side of a lake. On one of the buildings, there was a poster plastered up with a picture of an old woman on it.

There were also some words.

It read:

"Meet the mighty Soothsayer Abigail, who is never wrong and can tell you about your future if you give her money. She is not a fraud."

"Ooh, a fortuneteller!" said Ciri. "I want to know the future!"

They found Abigail's hut and entered.

"Strange travellers," she said. "Dost ye want to hear thy fate? Pay just fifty gold pieces, and thou shalt know thy future..."

Ciri flicked fifty gold pieces to Abigail.

"Very well..." she said. "I know... that in your future..."

"All of ye... all four of ye strange travellers..."

"Shalt certainly die!"

TO BE CONTINUED

IN

THE WITCHER: PART XXVII

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