The Witcher: Part XXXI
Treasure Island
Previously, on The Witcher:
It turns out Eredin, pirate captain of the Wilde Hunt, is a master of the arcane art of piracy! He can pirate supplies and weapons out of thin air, and can summon torrents.
Lady Feudalism and Iorverth and Ciri have been tossed into the water from their ship, and now Eredin is coming for Oscar Wilde and Geralt!
How will our heroes make it out of this predicament?
Geralt ran into the jungle, with Oscar Wilde, the Wilde Hunt coming from close behind. And then Eredin landed on the beach, and burnt down a swathe of the jungle with his pirated flamethrower.
"Oh no!" said Oscar Wilde, as all the pirates ran towards him.
"Come on, ye bilge-rat!" roared Eredin.
Geralt cast a spherical Fus Ro Dah, pushing back all of the pirates.
"Tell me, Eredin, what are you going to do afterwards if you manage to kill Oscar Wilde?" asked Geralt.
"Arr. I don't know," replied Eredin, realising just how shallow and pointless his life's goal was/ Angered by this, Eredin pirated a broadsword and raised it at Geralt.
"I'm not messing around this time," said Geralt. "This time, there's going to be nothing stopping me from giving you a major injury."
He drew his sword, and they had another pirate duel, this time considerably more intense.
Lady Feudalism and Iorverth and Ciri had arrived on the island at this point, and were fighting off Wilde Hunt pirates. Lady Feudalism managed to incapacitate a whole bunch of pirates using a poison-type magic spell. Ciri was punching and biting and stuff. And Iorverth's fencing skill was once again on display.
Meanwhile, Geralt was being overwhelmed by the sheer might of Eredin's piracy.
Fire nor lightning nor sword beams could touch Eredin, who had pirated some kind of body armour.
Geralt and Oscar Wilde were backed across the charred remains of the jungle. Geralt crouched down and grabbed a stick from the ground, and magicked it into a wooden baseball bat, and chucked it to Oscar Wilde.
Oscar Wilde used it to block some projectile laserish attacks Eredin fired from his pirated laser gun.
"How do I stop this guy?" said Geralt.
"Ye cannot stand the might of the pirate net," said Eredin.
And then Geralt realised what he had to do. Eredin must have been connected to all of his pirate peers via some sort of invisible pirate web or net.
Geralt cast a radiation blocking spell over Eredin's head, and Eredin screamed in pain as he couldn't get a signal. All of his pirated items began to disintegrate, as they could no longer auto-update.
And Geralt cast a paralysis spell, leaving Eredin frozen in a kneeling position.
"Arr. Ye have defeated me, ye scoundrel," said Eredin solemnly.
"Me pirates will still kill you," he shouted at Oscar Wilde. "Ye will still die!"
And then Oscar Wilde grabbed his baseball bat and smacked it into Eredin's head.
"No!" shouted Geralt. But it was too late.
Oscar Wilde smacked the bat into Eredin's head again
and again
and again
and Eredin screamed in pain.
"Stop it!" yelled Geralt angrily.
But Oscar Wilde kept smacking the bat into Eredin's head.
Eredin writhed and twitched and then was no more.
"Why did you do that?" asked Geralt. "WHAT THE HECK IS YOUR DAMN PROBLEM!"
Oscar Wilde looked straight into Geralt's eyes.
"Eredin killed my family."
"Eredin destroyed everything I had."
"I had the right to beat his head into a mushy pulp."
Geralt turned around, silent, disappointed. They walked back to the beach, and Geralt burned all of the pirate boats with one sweep of his arm.
"Let's go," said Geralt quietly to his team and Oscar Wilde. They swam back to the Geralady Feudalism.
Geralt sat down on his deck chair, and rubbed his face.
"As soon as we get to the Northern Continent, Oscar Wilde has to go," he said.
Meanwhile, the Seveudalism was making good progress across the ocean. At this point, they had sighted an island in the distance.
"Treasure Island," read Klippi from the map that came with the boat. "I want treasure."
"We are running somewhat low on funds," admitted Severus. So they made landing upon this 'Treasure Island'.
Severus, Klippi, and Christian Grey were quite excited to retrieve some treasure. However, Communist O'Lenin had some misgivings.
"What if it's a trap?" he said. "This sounds like the sort of thing my brother would do."
"Let's just see," said Klippi excitedly.
On Treasure Island, there was a single path lined with gold coloured foil, going up a hill. There was a sign a distance along this path.
"The ancient treasure of the pirate Captain Blackbeard lies here," read Klippi. "Let's go get it."
At the end of the path, there was a giant hole. And at the bottom of the hole was nothing.
"There's no treasure," said Severus.
Klippi sighed disappointedly.
"This island is named Treasure Island," pointed out O'Lenin. "You were expecting this to be a secret treasure?"
"It's literally on the map. It's kind of counter-intuitive to name your island Treasure Island and then hope that your treasure is kept secret."
"Of course somebody got here before us."
They began to walk back to their ship quite sadly.
"We didn't need that money anyway," said O'Lenin. "Money just promotes inequality and corruption."
It was a few days of monotonous travelling and Geralt ignoring Oscar Wilde before the Geralady Feudalism finally reached the Northern Continent. Geralt was the first to step out onto the new land.
"It's cold," he said.
Lady Feudalism brought him a jumper and a scarf. The rest of Team Witcher disembarked, all wearing winter clothing.
Oscar Wilde then disembarked.
"Go away," said Geralt, trying to keep his anger from showing. "And I hope I never see your damn face ever again."
Oscar Wilde ran away as fast as he could.
Geralt then summoned the magick carpet, and they flew off into the distance. After a few miles, Team Witcher encountered a village which appeared to be under siege.
They landed, and were met by an army of droids.
The droids began to shoot at Team Witcher.
"It is the Witcher," they said. "He must be captured."
"Team Witcher must be captured."
And they got a giant net and chucked it over Team Witcher.
TO BE CONTINUED
IN
THE WITCHER: PART XXXII
THE MAN WITH THE MASK