~Gio: Joker~
It takes for-fucking-ever for me to wake up nowadays. I used to like being an early riser, but now I'd rather sleep forever.
I think about my little sister Abri and my best friend Simon and I finally sit up and stretch. I still have a reason to get back. Right now, they're the only reason I'm still functioning.
Every day is a living hell, but at least it's living. I'm still alive. And just 8 more tributes and I can be at home. Not home, better than home. A place so huge and rich that it would take years to consider it my home. My whole family getting showers with soap nightly, and having brand new clothes with no patches in them, and having a roof over our head when it starts to snow, and watching the District grow fuller and plumper from having food to eat.
Winning would mean a lot more to me than anyone will ever know.
Not that I'm saying I could. I'm still convinced I'm dead.
But, I'm not dead yet. And I'm going to try and stay not dead for as long as I possibly can. My death is imminent, but I can't stop trying. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I would make Abri watch me give up. Absolutely not.
Abri's always helped me when I needed to be brave. She's my source of courage. I'm a coward but with Abri by my side it became easier to be brave. She's always been there to help me have courage, and even though we're miles and miles apart she's still my only source of courage. Atty and Ori used to help with that, but it's been days since I've seen either of them and I'm starting to lose hope of finding them.
Anyways, I know that Abri hasn't given up on me yet. Trust me, I've known the girl for all 15 years of her life, I know for sure she hasn't given up. And it'd be horrid of me to give up on her, after everything we've been through.
Even if I'm going to die, I have to die fighting. As much as I hate the thought, I can't run away from it.
I eat the last of the provisional food left in the pack Atty threw at me last-minute. I drink from the canteen, realizing that I'm going to have to find one of the freshwater springs soon. I barely have enough energy to move… But somehow I'm going to have to find it in me to keep surviving. To keep not-dying until the very last second, if you will.
I organize all my stuff for about the twenty-fifth time this week. It's what I do when I'm antsy. I organize. Being able to pretend everything I have is all organized helps ever-so-slightly with the anxiety and all the gloom.
I sit against a tree and ask myself, WWAD? What would Atty do?
I slowly make myself stand up. I can almost hear his voice saying, "Get up. Move around a bit. Surprisingly, that does help the pain."
I start moving, focusing on putting one foot in front of the other, slowly at first. I focus on moving forward. It hurts, but it feels pretty good to be moving, at least.
I walk for a little bit, stretching out my stiff arms and legs. It feels good to not be so stiff, I guess, but the wounds still hurt just as bad. Each second is torture. Each step saps more energy from me and with each one I don't know if I'll be able to do it again. I think about Abri, watching me, waiting for me, and I take another step.
And so the cycle goes. I try to not think about the number of steps, but I can't help but count them because I'm a freak like that.
I walk through the morning, until my stomach growls, probably mad at me because I missed lunch. I see a bright red bloom, with a cluster of yellow berries in the center. They look good.
I kneel down by the flower, and it smells sweet and unlike any berry I've ever tasted.
These flowers weren't here before, I don't think. Unless I just haven't noticed them and am slowly boarding the crazy train. Choo choo, motherfucker.
I'm sure that Solitaire just made these flowers appear. Maybe to save a tribute who has nothing, like me. I start to pick the flower, but stop myself.
What would Atty do? If he didn't know for sure it were safe, he probably wouldn't eat it. The berries are too bright and colorful, and too delicious smelling, to be safe to eat. Or, at least, that's what I figure. I get up again and leave it. Better safe than sorry.
I keep on walking, until I see a familiar figure in the distance. I'm about to go the other way but he notices me first and starts running towards me. I know I can't run away, but that doesn't stop me from trying. Eventually I can't go any further, and I have to face Dream Bishop, injured and practically crippled.
I have to be brave. I think of Abri and know that it's now or never for this whole courage thing.
"We meet again," he says. He doesn't hesitate.
"Please…" I start, trying to figure out how to stop him. He draws his knife and is about to throw it but I shout out. "I know where Janie is!"
He stops. "Huh?"
"J-Janie. I saw her. Please, spare me and I'll show you which direction she went." It's a longshot, one that I'm not even sure he'll take, but he looks to be considering it. I know the Careers can't stay together forever, but I hope that he'll at least want to find his allies, or one of them.
He sheathes the knife. "Fine."
I can't believe my luck… My heart is pounding and I can barely see straight but I start off, back to where I had my first camp, back to where I saw her coming through the bushes. Dream follows, and I know he's holding a weapon.
I reach the spot, and point out from the bushes.
"I heard her today… She's close."
He looks out into the bushes.
"You're lucky you're being spared," he says. "Only because I don't see you as a threat." I know he'd rather kill Atty than me. After all, Atty killed his District partner, I'm sure he wants his revenge. I hope he doesn't find Atty… Hell, I wish I could find Atty, or Ori, or both.
I want both.
"Janie was yelling early, but she's still alive." That's all I can make myself stammer out. He looks concerned and takes off without another word.
I take a seat, my stomach growling in complaint. I know he should've killed me. But he said he didn't see me as a threat. Probably because I'm really not a threat. I know I'll be dead eventually, but I'm not dead today.
I still have a hope of finding Ori and Atticus.
I still have a hope of helping my allies out before I die.
I'm not dead yet.
I should be, but I'm not dead yet.
~.~.
~Tristabelle: Three of Clubs~
The days are getting longer and longer, the nights are getting shorter and shorter. And it sucks.
Each day the will to wake up falls, each day the exhaustion hits harder, each day "five more minutes or maybe an eternity I don't care" becomes more and more tempting.
And yet, somehow, each morning I make myself sit up and look at the sun rising in the sky. Each day I manage to get up, walk around, and brave out whatever threats the Arena has in store for me. I know I'm strong and I know I can take it. It's just getting exhausting.
I want to go home. Well, no, I don't want to go home, but I want to be out of here. To a new home, a new life. I can start over.
Okay, maybe I'm lying to myself when I say that. Some things will linger with me forever. Big events that changed who I am. The Games won't be going away any time soon and I always knew that. But I can at least pretend that I'll be able to start over. It definitely gives me more incentive to drag my ass to the spring every day and freshen up and drink.
After all, I've made this far. I'm not sure if I deserve it, but I've made it to here. Some people more deserving than me died on the first day, after all.
And somehow every single train of thought I have in this damn place goes back to him. I need to get him out of my head. If only it were as easy as it seemed.
I tore down the barriers protecting me during interviews and I wasn't able to rebuild them fast enough and somehow he made it in. Somehow, once again, I find myself caring so deeply for someone that's never coming back to me. I hated it back then and I hate it all over again. How the hell did I let this happen to me a second time?
I guess this time he didn't leave by his own will. He probably would have eventualy but maybe it wouldn't have been so soon. No, he probably would've been okay with me for a while, just long enough to learn the deep stuff about bme before he decided I was repulsive and left. Who knows? Maybe now I can make myself that he and I would've stayed friends a while, if he had lived longer.
If he had lived longer. Such a vivid, colorful personality, and now it's all turned into a million of what-ifs. And frankly, it's all because of Pontifex from District 2. Fuck him.
The Capitol loves some good vengeance, and for once, I have that in common with them. I could really use some vengeance against old Pontifex. Punching him in the face isn't good enough, not after all the lives he's taken, including Lyndon's. I wish I didn't care for the guy so much (especially because he's dead. He's fucking dead) but I can't help it.
I collect what little I have left and start walking. I want to find Pontifex and give him a taste of his own medicine. Besides, if I take him out, it's one less big threat out of the way.
It's hard to believe we're already at the final nine. One more death and Yin Kozart will be visiting the Districts to talk to the family members of the tributes.
He'll probably ask my parents some questions and they'll start arguing on national television. I'm one of their favorite things to scream at each other about.
He'll probably talk to Wright too, who will probably pull the "my poor insane baby sister thinks she was touched inappropriately but here's what really happened" bullshit that he always uses to try and justify his best friend for how he violated me. "My poor insane baby sister." That shit really gets me angry.
Hopefully he doesn't talk to anyone else. I'll never know and I don't want to know.
There are less and less tributes, and the big threats are still here. Dream from 1, Atticus from 10, Pontifex from 2. Pretty soon the weak will all be weeded out, and then I'm in trouble. I need the strong players to wipe each other out so I can sweep in as the wildcard.
It's happened before. I definitely have a shot.
I walk through the jungle, careful to not lose track of my way. I find an animal and kill it for a kind of lunch. Then I make a fire and cook it. I stay alert and aware as I cook and eat. Even though the trees are pretty thick, someone could still see the smoke and attack at any second.
I eat lunch, feeling nothing but antsy. I've worked myself up so much I really wouldn't mind a fight.
I want to find Pontifex and show him who's boss. I may be exhausted, but I'm still fast. I could probably have him stabbed before he knew what hit him.
Then again, you almost lost to the 15-year-old from 5. But that was a different situation. I wasn't prepared for a fight, and his kind words to me threw me for a loop, not to mention I was hesitant because he was young.
I know that Pontifex won't be kind to me and I know for sure I don't intend to go easy on him.
I hear a rustle in the bushes and turn around quickly, grabbing my knife as fast as I can. I look straight into the eyes of the girl from District 2. She a knife in hand, but looks hesitant.
She looks pretty terrible. There are dark circles under her eyes, her hair is messy, and she looks ready to go home just like me. I notice that her allies are nowhere in sight.
The earthquake… It must've separated alliances. That boy from 8, Ori, he said he lost his allies too…
"Tristabelle-"
I attack. She's ready for it, though, putting up a fight. I feel stings of pain but the pain only fuels my adrenaline. She knows how to fight hand-to-hand, and I know this fight isn't going to be easy.
But what if it wasn't a fight…?
After a tremendous struggle, I manage to get on top, pinning her down like the lady showed me in Training. She doesn't even pause her struggle, spitting in my face (ew!) but I don't succumb to her.
"It's not you I want," I say, in thought. I let my dark side take over for a little bit. "But I can use you. After all, what'll bring old Pontifex here faster than hearing the screams of his beloved District partner?" I feel a smile, and I don't know where it's coming from but I let consume me.
"You think I can't protect myself!?" she asks, gritting her teeth and putting up quite a formidable struggle. The more I let myself be the savage the Capitol wants me to be, the more powerful I feel. It's not right, but we all have a dark side, right? My real dark side's been hiding for a long time, but now that it's out I'm not going to be able to control it.
"You're not doing a very good job there, Sweetie."
She grits her teeth, and I know she's not going to object to what I'm doing for fear that I'll just do it more.
I take my knife and start at her shoulder, running it down to the crease of her elbow. She grits her teeth, looking unsure whether she should scream (and try to get someone to come to her aid) or keep on defying me. I let her be indecisive, making the cut symmetrical on the other side and watching it bleed. She grits her teeth, groaning from the pain.
"Pontifex took my District partner. Now that I consider it, I would like to return the favor."
"Not if I can help it!" she says, struggling some more.
I run the knife across her collar bone, drawing a strained scream from her. I know she's trying not to, but everyone has a limited pain tolerance.
"I'm going to take my revenge somehow. It's up to you to decide how. Him or you? I know you'll lure him here just fine."
She doesn't answer me, still struggling, probably trying to come up with a strategy. I laugh, loudly laugh, a feeling of absolute power coming over me. I've never been dominant before, and now's my chance.
I press the knife to her neck, not hard enough to slit, not yet. I laugh a little bit. "Time to decide," I say. "Which one of you is going to die?" I can't stop laughing but eventually I stop trying to.
Suddenly, though, a force practically knocks me over with a strong jolt of pain right to the shoulder.
I jump off of January, holding up my knife, but who should appear from behind a tree but the boy from District 10?
My arm stings and suddenly my mind clears up again, and I take off, leaving Janie to deal with him by herself. I run as fast as I possibly can, hoping that one of them will take out the other and suddenly realizing how morbid it is that I'd even think something like that.
I run until I feel ready to pass out and tend to my shoulder the best that I can with what I have. The whole time I force myself to focus on things that aren't at all related to what happened today. As much as it pains me to think about some of my happier memories in the days before I was violated, I focus on them to avoid the present. Soon the sun sets and leaves me alone in the starry night, with no faces to show in the sky and no other memories with which I can distract myself from lingering on the events of the day.
I look up at the stars and try to be calmed by them. Unfortunately, that doesn't come easy. Thinking back to the events of the day, my eyes pool with tears.
I let them fall down my cheeks.
And I don't even feel ashamed.
I know that this isn't what he would've wanted. It's not what anyone would've wanted. It's not what I would've wanted. I spend my whole life shitting on people like Lazarus, who dominate and leave others helpless, and I've become the monster I've feared. I succumbed to something that wasn't myself, and at the time I liked it. And I know that it's going to bite me in the ass later, but I can't do anything to change it now. I'm lucky to have gotten out of there alive.
The Capitolites like revenge, but they don't like savage tributes quite as much. Even the hope of getting gifts went out the window.
I know I have to be more careful, but… What if I let my dark side consume me again? What if I become reckless again and it costs me more than just a knife to the damn shoulder?
Even though I try to pretend I don't, I fear a lot of things, and now I guess it's time to add myself to the list. Can't say I expected it but life's tough.
I let the tears out, and I don't feel embarrassed to cry. After all I've done, it's the least of my worries now.
My shoulder burns like my arm's going to fall off at any second. I know I deserve it, and more. I don't even feel self-pity anymore.
"My poor insane baby sister."
Yeah.
I guess he's right.
.
A/N: See, that wasn't so bad, now was it!? It'll get worse though, trust me! I keep saying that, don't I? Well, this time I mean it.
Also, I did a Tumblr series for Halloween of all 24 tributes in their Halloween costumes! It turned out really good so go ahead and check that out! Just check the Celtic's SYOT tag on my tumblr (URL salem-just-wants-ice-cream)!
Hopefully now I'll get into a more normal writing schedule! Some personal events in my life kinda shook me up lately but now that it's over hopefully I'll be more religious with this story. It's just getting good, after all!
Chapter Question: Out of all 24 tributes, what is your favorite friendship/relationship? Favorite rivalry?
Points:
Kate: 193
Dreamer: 143
Jess: 226
magicharity: 163
hopefuldreamer1991: 90
Sinfonian Legend: 195
xQueen-of-Applesx: 40
Lady Lysa Arryn: 56
rising-balloons: 75
superneet1214: 6
Coolgal02: 61
epictomguy: 34
Medium-Indigo (Guest): 60
AbbyCorabby123: 10
falyn. oliver: 43
seaotter99: 22
ThisWorldWeHate: 17
Blonde4ever: 62
Beauty. Is. Strange: 61
Ibbonray: 35