A/N: Hello. I was going to be prepared and have several chapters ready but no.. anyway, I hope you've had a lovely week and I'm sorry that I kept you waiting (if you were waiting at all, that is). Thank you so much for sticking with me, reading, following, favourite-ing and reviewing. I cannot tell you how much it means to me. I hope you enjoy this chapter.
I don't own HP, J K Rowling does, we do this every single chapter so for future reference: I DON'T OWN HARRY POTTER AND I NEVER HAVE AND NEVER WILL. There. Oh and Happy Birthday Hermione Jean Granger for yesterday!
Have a beautifully wonderful day full of joy and books (I'm a little hyper).
Sorry, I'm going to shut up now.
(And in advance I apologise for the repetitive nature of this chapter and to all Snily sympathisers and shippers - I have officially crushed that possibility. I will say no more.)
JAMES' P.O.V
We're back from the battle, in a campsite near Northampton, a lot of us are critically injured but none of us actually died. I'm starting to think we're invincible or something. I'm sitting in a tent, with Lily. Lily has her back to me, she said she was going to get some sleep but I know she's crying silently. And I also know why. There's only one person who I know of that warrants this kind of reaction – Snivellus and I'm angry about it because if she can't let go… well, I've had it up to here with that git.
"Lily?" I say, tapping her shoulder, she stiffens slightly at my touch, "look, Lils. This is one of those times when I need to talk about something honestly with you. You're unhappy Lily and don't try to tell me differently. You've been unhappy for a while and I know why… I just. I don't know how to make you happy anymore. I want you to be cheerful and witty like my Lily and I get that shit has happened to us both but I feel as if you don't care anymore –"
"Don't care? James, it's completely the opposite." Lily turns around to face me; her face hardened a little, "I care too much, that's the problem. A lot of stuff happened today and I need some time to think. I love you James and I know what Snape is… but you've got to let me work through this by myself. It's my lesson to learn, not yours. He's not a good guy and I'm not trying to make out that he is but he is one of the only things that remain of my childhood and because my parents are dead and my sister has ostracized me, I have a hard time letting go. Just trust that I will. He doesn't want my help, he isn't on my side, and he isn't my friend anymore. Somewhere – somewhere inside me I know that but I'm never going to be able to accept it if people keep pushing me to believe this and to believe that. I've had enough, okay? I'm not perfect and my faith in Snape is damaging to me and to everyone around me. I think the problem is that I would never do to him what he has done to me and I just can't get my head around the fact that he – or anyone for that matter – would do such a thing.
"I wish people would stop making assumptions about me. You understand me, James but sometimes it's like you don't know me at all. I know I'm not the worst off in the world and so I'm going to tell you this objectively. This is fact: I've been tortured many times, I was tortured today, and I watched somebody else be tortured today. Snape once tortured me, called me a Mudblood and betrayed me. The Death Eaters have cut me and harmed me both physically and mentally. Some people say that strong people pick themselves back up and come out stronger and then automatically they're alright again – that's not true. I'm not going to be happy until I get to grips that I can't trust Snape. I can't get to grips with it until I'm strong enough to accept it. I don't feel very strong – I'm vulnerable right now and the last thing I need is for you to say that I don't care. I'm sick and tired of people who know nothing about me making assumptions about my choices. I love you James and I always will. Of that I am certain."
"I get that it's hard but I just don't know how to make you happy –"
"It's not your job to make me happy, you love me and that's enough – more than enough. I don't deserve you, James Potter."
"That is so not true."
"Well I disagree," she says, shuffling closer.
"Isn't a relationship supposed to make you happy?"
"You misunderstand me, you do make me happy but it's not your responsibility to make sure that I am always happy."
"It's just, you always say that you're going to get over him and move on but it hasn't happened yet, so what makes this time so different?"
"Because now I've seen him fighting for the Death Eaters and maybe that doesn't seem like such a big thing but believe me, it makes a difference. Then there's the fact that he didn't contradict me when I said that this was never about you over him, but the Dark Arts over me… That battle really put things into perspective for me. I have gotten to know Emmeline better and she's actually very friendly which made my opinion of her change dramatically and I duelled some Death Eaters which was very satisfying... Anyway it's not some earth shattering epiphany but it was enough to make me rethink. I can't tell you that I hate him, or anyone for that matter but I'm starting to get to grips with it."
"Sometimes I wish you were one of those people who when somebody hurt them more than once, they forget about for the rest of their lives."
"Well I'm not one of those people and I happen to have a basic level of trust –"
"It wasn't trust of Snape; it was being ignorant and blind –"
"True," she sighs, "I suppose I failed Oscar Wilde, you know, 'the only sin is stupidity'?"
"It wouldn't be fair of me to judge you for that."
"Well you know how I feel, James. The question is - do I make you happy?"
"Seriously? I've loved you for Merlin knows how long, of course you make me happy – or at least you being happy makes me happy and you loving me makes me happy. So you're really going to try and move on now?"
"Of course, it's about time anyway. I've put you and everybody through so much already."
We lie side by side in silence for a few hours. I have a lot to think about. She must mean what she says… Lily isn't dishonest by nature. I know this can't be easy for her but their friendship pretty much fell apart in fifth year; she just didn't want to accept it. Since then Snivellus managed to manipulate her into caring about him and making her think that he still cares about her. Well he might have some creepy obsession with her but if he truly cared about her, he wouldn't have chosen the Dark Arts over her, he wouldn't have abandoned her when she needed him most, he wouldn't have let me take her body when she was bleeding almost to death and he definitely wouldn't become right hand man to Voldemort. I mean Lily's a Muggle-Born, why would anyone supposedly "in love" with her join a racist cause like that of Voldemort's? It makes no sense and I think Lily is finally starting to see that. It's just a shame it took her so many years to realise. Lily isn't stupid or helpless by any means, but sometimes she needs to be pushed a little in order to see things as they really are. Left to her own devices, I'm sure Lily would be perfectly happy to believe that everything in the world was good and that everybody was as loving and trusting as she is. I think this war forced people like Lily to see the harsh reality of people's true natures sooner than they would otherwise. Sometimes people don't act out of love, but out of hatred, anger, jealously, grief. Lily's been through an awful lot and it's not fair how things have panned out but I will do my best for her, as she does for me. It might not look that way to other people, but nobody's relationship is the same as another's. Lily understands me like no one else and I would follow her anywhere. Now that I'm with her, I can't imagine life without her and I'm sure she feels the same way – that's what makes this is all so right.
LILY'S P.O.V
I told James my finally accepting the truth of my relationship (or lack thereof) with Snape was no earth shattering epiphany – and it wasn't earth shattering but it was an epiphany. It happened all of a sudden, like the epiphany of the soul and I just had this instinct, something I can't quite explain that I shouldn't trust Snape, that he didn't feel the same way. I've given him so many chances to explain or to change but he hasn't and I don't think he ever will. I've made excuses for him, tried to justify his treatment of me and others but there are some things I will never be able to forget, there are some things that are inexcusable. He was driving me to the point of insanity and I should never have listened to his so called apologies, his supposed repentance… he lied. He lied and I believed him. He never used to lie to me… or so I thought. I thought I knew how to tell when he lied but he got better at hiding things from me, even from himself. I gave him one last chance and all he had to say was "I'm sorry". Well I'm sorry – sorry I didn't see through him sooner. No, I won't let him hurt me this way anymore. James deserves better, he does everything he can to help me and I do everything I can to help him. If I can't forget Snape for myself, then I shall forget him for James. I've held on too long. I began to realise that as we were talking earlier – he's changed too much. It was too much to handle. I didn't want to be the one to finish it – and I wasn't. He finished it years and years ago. It was over before I thought it had begun.
I get up out of the tent, telling James that I want to find Alice, Marlene, other Alice and Emmeline. I walk out into the middle of the campsite – a fire is going in the middle, giving the forest a warm glow. It should feel comforting, and in any other circumstance it probably would but after today, the atmosphere is heavily tainted with dour. They're all sitting around the campfire, talking quietly to add to the sombre ambiance. To my surprise, Dorcas is sitting next to Alice, the two smiling and laughing together. Weird, what the hell have I missed? I sit down between Emmeline and Marlene. I turn to Marlene as Emmeline chats to Alice Longbottom.
"What's with Dorcas and Alice?"
"Oh, apparently," Marlene whispers, "Dorcas dumped Amos as soon as she heard about the letter mix-up. Turns out he played her too. Alice said they spent the whole of Patrols talking about what a dick he is."
"Ah…"
"What about you and Emmeline?"
"Um, I was wrong about her. She's lovely, actually."
"See?" Marlene grins, "I knew you'd come round. Emmy's really nice once you get to know her."
"How are you, though? Did you run into Death Eaters?"
"Didn't I just? He was a bit of an imbecile, no idea what he was doing. One Jelly Legs jinx and he was done."
"He didn't work out that the counter curse is just 'unjelify'?"
"Nope, he made me feel so smart about life. Have you seen Wormy?"
"No. Wasn't he with Frank?"
"Yes, but Frank came back ages ago."
"Maybe he went straight home?"
"To Melanie?"
"Who knows?"
"Moving on from that, Remus said that he and James saw Regalus."
"They did?"
"Yeah, I'm dreading having to tell Sirius. He'll ask of course and he'll be so… -you know? - Broken. I never know what to say to him, it's like when your parents died and I had absolutely no idea what to say to you. He just shuts himself in his room and doesn't come out for days, or he'll go off by himself and won't talk to me when he comes back."
"Maybe he just doesn't want to talk about it."
"You can't keep everything inside, Lil. I worry about him is all and I worry about you too. Rumour has it you ran into Snivellus today."
"I always wondered where you got your information from, would you care to divulge?"
"Not a chance," Marlene smirks, "but you're not responding to my statement on your meeting Snivellus."
"Well there's not much to say, other than I realised he's a coward who lied to me."
"You mean you didn't know already?" Marlene mocks disbelief, "aw, come on Lil, I'm only teasing. You know Alice and I said all along that Snape was trouble but would you listen? No. The Marauders have been telling you for years the amount of things he's done, but would that stop you? No. It's a wonder you're still alive really –"
"I get it, I've messed up. It's not like you've done everything right and perfect all your life."
"Excuse me; I'll have you know that I am considered perfect by many people –"
"Which people?"
"Well there was that guy from Ravenclaw, I believe his exact words were 'Marlene, you are the most perfect, sexiest, woman I have ever met', then there was that guy we met in the Three Broomsticks, you know, the one who was really tall and had blonde hair? He told me that my breasts –"
"Whoa, way too much information."
"Wait until I get onto my sixth year boyfriends," she whistles, "now they really knew foreplay."
"I'm alright actually."
"Aw, look at you getting all uncomfortable," she says, grinning, "you're adorable Lily."
"I am not adorable," I scowl at her.
"Not with that face, you're not. Anyway," she sighs, "I may as well relish these happy moments whilst I'm still alive."
"Marlene," I whine, "stop with the melodramatic defeatist talk. Why is everybody so… so… argh. I don't know how to phrase it."
"You're one to talk, in case you hadn't noticed, we're in the middle of a war. I can't exactly be optimistic about our chances –"
"We can at least hope."
"Hope?" she huffs, "so much for hope. What good is that? It's not like we can stroll up to Voldemort and say 'hey, we're insanely outnumbered and our population is decreasing at a humongous rate but that doesn't matter, because we've decided to defeat you with hope'. When has optimism made any difference? Don't get your hopes up and you won't be let down."
"You sound like Alice. No, worse, you sound like Severus. Alice would never talk like that, even when she is feeling negative. I know that hope isn't going to win us this war but just accepting defeat is going to make us lose. We joined the Order because we wanted to make a difference, because we knew that this might not work out but it's better than sitting inside watching our world burn around us. Yeah, things don't look good for us. Hell, I'm starting to lose faith myself but I'm never going to accept defeat. Failure is not an option anymore. You might not think so, but I still think we have a chance, however minute that chance is. Don't give up now, Mar. We need you, I need you."
"You really think we can do this?"
"Absolutely."
"Then… I suppose there's no harm in carrying on. I mean what have we got to lose?"
"Exactly, there's my best friend."
She smiles at me, somewhat sadly.
"I'm really going to miss you –"
"No, stop it," I warn her teasingly, "from now on, we can be positive together."
"Oh yay!" she says, obviously forcing a smile before smiling for real.
I think the love between friends is heavily underrated.
A/N: Did her getting over him sound too forced? Sorry, sorry, shutting up now.