The Witcher: Part XXXIX
Nord of the Rings
Previously, on The Witcher:
Lady Feudalism has been captured by the diabolical Nords!
Severus Hitler has been captured by the diabolical Nords!
Communist O'Lenin and Klippi have been captured by the diabolical Nords!
What is happening?
"Let's go," said Geralt. "We need to find Lady Feudalism!"
Geralt summoned the magick carpet.
"Hey, wait!" said the WWF announcer. "You can't just run off with the White Wolf belt! You're supposed to defend your title!"
"I won this title fair and square," replied Geralt.
"Aren't you at least going to collect your prize money?" said the announcer, holding a bag full of gold pieces.
"Ooh, nice," said Geralt, taking the bag from the announcer and taking off on the magick carpet.
"Where did the Nords take Lady Feudalism?" asked Ciri, once they were in the air.
"They can't have gone that far," said Geralt.
"Look! Tracks!" said Christian White, pointing at some footsteps in the mud. They landed and analysed the footprints.
"These look like they were made my Nordic boots," said Christian White. "Let's follow them."
Lady Feudalism slowly came to. The first thing she saw was the stony roof of her prison cell. She was lying on a thin, rather uncomfortable stack of hay.
"Hello," came a voice from the other side of the cell. Lady Feudalism recognised it immediately.
Hunched in the corner of the cell was Severus Hitler.
"You!" said Lady Feudalism quite aggressively. "What are you doing here?"
"I'm here for the same reason as you, lady," said Severus solemnly. "I was captured by the Nords."
"I bet you put the Nords up to this," said Lady Feudalism. She punched the air in an attempt to shoot a fireball at Severus.
"It's no good trying to fight me," said Severus. "You've been kryptonited. And so have I."
"You're the enemy!" yelled Lady Feudalism. "I can't just stand here and... talk to you! I'm supposed to try to incapacitate you on sight or something."
"You're not seriously going to walk up and start punching me are you?" asked Severus. "I really rather you wouldn't."
"Fine then," said Lady Feudalism.
There was an awkward silence for about half of a minute.
"Is there no way to escape?" asked Lady Feudalism.
"I told you, we've been kryptonited," replied Severus. "Every hour, the ventilation ducts automatically dispense another dose of kryptonite."
Then they sat in another awkward thirty seconds of silence.
"Do you hate me?" asked Severus, quite suddenly.
"You've done some bad things," said Lady Feudalism. "You've tried to kill Geralt on multiple occasions. Christian White thinks you're insane. I think you're just as bad as your father."
Severus was taken aback by this comment.
"I hate Adolf Hitler as much as you do," replied Severus. "He merely seeks what is best for him. I seek what's best for everyone."
"It is true I do believe the ends justify the means in many cases."
Severus sighed.
"I want to believe that I'm a better man than my father."
"I had a Iorverth, 'till a Hitler killed him," said Lady Feudalism.
"I had a mother, 'till A. Hitler killed her," said Severus.
The pair bonded over the parallel construction of their sentences.
Lady Feudalism slowly sidled up to Severus.
"You know my father was also a dictator," said Lady Feudalism, revealing personal details of her past for the very first time. "His name was Lord Power."
"Everyone thought he was a pretty bad person. He had usurped the city of Vizima for himself. And then, one day, he met my mother, Lady Order. And together they ruled Vizima justly: Power and Order, a perfect combination."
"And then, you and your brothers were born, I assume," said Severus.
"Yes," said Lady Feudalism. "Me and your buddy Communist O'Lenin and that scoundrel Capitalist McMoney."
"Anyway, when Lord Power died, it was decided that I would take over the city of Vizima. Because naturally, I was the favourite child."
Lady Feudalism flicked her hair back and briefly smiled at Severus.
"And my brothers left Vizima and started wandering around trying to impose their corrupt and poorly designed political systems on people. They simply do not see that feudalism is the only possible way."
"I believe in feudalism," said Severus. "When I'm in charge of the world, it will be feudalistic."
"Good," said Lady Feudalism. They were silent again, although this time, the silence was slightly more comfortable.
"What is your name?" asked Severus, quite suddenly.
"You know what my name is!" replied Lady Feudalism.
"But what is your real name?" asked Severus. "Both of your brothers have two names: Communist O'Lenin, and Capitalist McMoney. You must have a first name."
"I never tell anyone my first name," said Lady Feudalism. "Geralt doesn't even know."
"Please, tell me," said Severus. Lady Feudalism paused for a moment.
"My name... my first name... is Grace," she said. "Lady Grace Feudalism is my full name."
"Hello Grace," said Severus cheesily, inwardly cringing at that line.
They slowly leaned towards each other, looking into each other's eyes. They got closer and closer, and closer and closer.
And then the cell door burst open and two bedraggled men were thrown in. It was Klippi and Communist O'Lenin.
"Hello Severus," said Klippi. "Are you still mad at us?"
Severus was angry.
"We were having a tender moment here, couldn't you see that? Why did you have to butt in?" he raged.
"It's not our fault that the Nords decided to chuck us in the same cell as you two," replied Klippi.
"My sister..." said O'Lenin slowly, eyeing Lady Feudalism with caution. "What are you doing with Severus?"
And then he looked at Severus.
And then he looked at Lady Feudalism.
And then he looked back at Severus.
"Seriously?" said Communist O'Lenin. "I thought you two were supposed to be enemies!"
"I think me and Grace have come to a mutual understanding," said Severus.
"She told you her name? What's even happening?" said O'Lenin incredulously.
Just then, the ringleader of the Nords, Ulfric Stormcloak walked into the cell. "We've decided we'll take you four up to the Sky Rim, so you can meet the master of the Nords."
"Master of the Nords?" asked Severus. "Yes. His name is Alduin."
Alduin was a mighty beast.
Some people called him the world-eater, some kind of satanic monster.
In truth, Alduin wasn't significantly more powerful than your average dragon.
Like a homing pigeon, Alduin landed before his master.
"My lord," said Alduin to his lord, Adolf Hitler.
"I have sent the Nords into a barbaric frenzy," said Alduin. "I am certain they will find and capture the Witcher."
"Goood..." breathed Hitler.
"The tracks end here," said Christian White. They had come to a compound made out of stone.
Presumably, it was where Lady Feudalism was held.
"How do we get in?" asked Ciri.
"Front door approach," said Geralt. He banged the front door of the compound.
A muscled man wearing a horned helmet answered the door. He also had a lot of rings on his hands.
"Ulfric Stormcloak, ringleader of the Nords, at your service," said the man. "What can I do for you?"
"We had a friend who we're looking for," said Geralt.
"Hang on... you're the Witcher!" said Ulfric Stormcloak. He ran back into the compound, leaving the door open.
"He's activating the kryptonite dispenser!" said Geralt. "You two need to go into the compound and find Lady Feudalism. I'm not going in there myself. I don't want to lose my magick."
Ciri and Christian White obeyed. The inside of the compound smelled of death. It was dark and stony and not particularly nice.
Christian White found a ceremonial staff on the wall and pulled it out.
"Where is that coward Ulfric Stormcloak?" he said.
"Over here!" came a voice. The voice was coming from a cell in the prison compound.
Christian White and Ciri portaled to the cell using Ciri's portal gun. Ulfric Stormcloak was in the corner.
"You're too late," he said, laughing.
"Tell me where she is!" yelled Christian White. "Or I'll kill you!"
"Ha ha ha ha ha," said Ulfric Stormcloak. "Not telling."
Christian White smacked his staff over Ulfric Stormcloak's head.
Ulfric Stormcloak screamed in pain. "Fine! We took her to the Sky Rim! We took her to the city of Wind's Helm!"
Christian White smacked him over the head one more time and Ulfric Stormcloak fell over unconscious.
"You weren't serious about killing him, were you?" asked Ciri.
"I don't know," said Christian White. "I really don't want to lapse back into my old self. But luckily... I didn't kill him."
They exited the compound.
"Where is she?" asked Geralt. "Isn't she in there?"
"She's been transferred to Wind's Helm, at the Sky Rim," said Christian White.
"Then let's not delay!" said Geralt.
TO BE CONTINUED
IN
THE WITCHER: PART XL
SKYRIM