The Witcher: Part XL
Skyrim
Previously, on The Witcher:
The Nords have taken Severus Hitler, Communist O'Lenin, Klippi, and Lady Feudalism to the Wind's Helm at the Sky Rim. Geralt and Ciri and Christian White are on their way to rescue Lady Feudalism.
The journey continues...
Team Witcher (minus Lady Feudalism) flew through a snowy landscape.
"Why do they call it the Sky Rim?" asked Ciri.
"Because there are some morons who think the world is flat. They called this place the Sky Rim because they thought that if you went too far north you'd fall off the edge of Rivia," replied Christian White.
After a while, Christian White sighted the Nord city of Wind's Helm.
"How do you know that's it?" asked Geralt.
"The city is called Wind's Helm. It should be obvious from the name," replied Christian White.
The city itself appeared to be built atop a giant helmet.
"It is believed that the helmet Wind's Helm is built on once belonged to Satan," said Christian White. "The population of Wind's Helm retreat into the catacombs inside the helmet when there's a snowstorm."
They landed the magick carpet in Wind's Helm.
"Now, where in this city would we find Lady Feudalism?" said Geralt. They walked into the Wind's Helm town hall.
"Um... hello," said Geralt to one of the Nord councilors. "We have a friend who we think was taken to this city. Would you be so kind as to tell us where she was taken?"
"Yeah," said the councilor. "I remember that pretty woman with the green skin and the purple dress. Just take those stairs down to the catacombs, and first door on your left should be the high security prison cell."
"Thanks," said Geralt.
Christian White took Geralt and Ciri aside.
"Doesn't it strike you as somewhat strange that the councilor gave us those instructions so easily?" he said. "Seems a little bit too convenient. We might be walking right into a trap."
"Meh," said Ciri. "Traps are easy to get out of."
They walked down the stairs and took the first door to the left.
And inside the room, they saw Lady Feudalism sitting in chains, behind bars.
"Geralt!" she cried.
"Lady Feudalism!" cried Geralt. They ran towards each other, and had a long hug through the prison bars.
Geralt then grabbed his sword and slashed the iron bars. Lady Feudalism stepped back out and Team Witcher was reunited.
"Any chance you'll rescue us?" came a voice from behind Geralt. There was another barred-off portion, and inside, sat Severus Hitler, Communist O'Lenin, and Klippi.
"It's a trap!" yelled Geralt. "You lot are here!"
"No need to be so melodramatic, Witcher," said Severus. "We've been kryptonited, and also we're behind the bars, if you didn't notice."
"Geralt, you should rescue them," said Lady Feudalism. "They're actually decent people, and they can't really do any harm because they've been kryptonited."
Geralt didn't really have time to respond because at that moment, the room shook and the roof collapsed. Geralt quickly deflected the falling rubble, so nobody in Team Witcher or Team Morally Ambiguous were crushed.
Lady Feudalism and Ciri and Christian White and Communist O'Lenin and Klippi and Severus Hitler then all looked up to the sky in fear.
"What is it?" said Geralt. He turned around and saw a giant malevolent dragon staring at him.
"I am Alduin, eater of worlds," said the dragon.
"There's the trap," said Christian White.
"I was tasked by master to kill you, Witcher," said Alduin. "And now you shall die."
Alduin flew down at Geralt, and blew fire. Geralt deflected it a back at Alduin, and then he shot lightning at Alduin. Alduin then smacked the ground with one of his talons and the ground started to shake.
"The ground is collapsing beneath us!" yelled Lady Feudalism. "The catacombs beneath us are going to cave in!"
Team Witcher and Team Morally Ambiguous ran back up the stairs, and back into the ruins of the town hall. An army of Nords wielding axes and swords were advancing upon the two teams.
"How do we get out of this predicament?" said Ciri.
Geralt summoned the magick carpet and Team Witcher boarded it.
Ciri screamed in pain. "My back!" she said.
Team Witcher flew away from Wind's Helm as fast as they could. Meanwhile, Severus and his team climbed up onto Alduin's back, to escape from the Nords. Alduin then took off, in pursuit of Team Witcher.
"We need to take this thing down," said Severus to Communist O'Lenin and Klippi.
"Are we a team again now?" asked Klippi.
"Yeah... I guess we are," replied Severus.
Alduin started to spin round in circles to try and shake Team Morally Ambiguous off.
Severus slowly climbed up Alduin's back, and eventually reached Alduin's head.
"I am the World-eater," said Alduin. "You, are mere mortal, cannot hope to stand against my power!"
Severus, who still had no magic at this point due to kryptonite, punched Alduin in the eye. Communist O'Lenin and Klippi followed suit, punching Alduin in the other eye.
Alduin roared in pain.
"I cannot see!" yelled Alduin. "I cannot see where I am flying!"
Alduin flew around in circles for a bit, and then flew in a straight line towards a cliff-face.
"I don't know where I'm flying!"
"I can't see!"
Severus grabbed Klippi and Communist O'Lenin by the waist and they jumped off Alduin just as Alduin smashed into the cliff-face.
And Alduin's neck snapped on collision, and the mighty world eater was no more.
Admiral Ackbar had just arrived in the ISIS northern offices. Adolf Hitler was already there to greet him.
"Hello, Admiral," said Hitler.
"How go your efforts to eliminate the Witcher?" asked Ackbar.
"Not particularly well... my pet world-eater dragon Alduin was a complete failure. That's why I called you here. I need ISIS to take out the Witcher."
"We've tried to before! He escaped!" said Ackbar.
"That's why I have a new weapon for you," said Hitler. Hitler pulled a small weapon, no bigger than a handgun, out of his pocket.
"This is an ageing gun," said Hitler.
"What does it do?" asked Admiral Ackbar
"If you set it to low, like this, when you shoot someone, they'll instantly get fifty years older," said Hitler. Hitler shot an ISIS guard who was walking past, to demonstrate the weapon.
The guard was aged to the age of eighty within a few seconds.
"Wow," said Ackbar.
"Actually, I liked this low power setting so much that I spent all of yesterday morning shooting everyone in a nearby village with it," admitted Hitler. "But you're not interested in low power."
Hitler turned the gun to high power.
"This will age a person by five-hundred years," said Hitler.
He shot another passing guard, who aged to an incredibly old man. And then the guard continued to age, with his face getting gaunter and more sunken and more wrinkled, until the flesh fell off, and all that remained was a skeleton.
"Every ISIS member should be armed with one of these," said Hitler. "And of course, if the ageing ray fails, your ISIS members can always use their explosive vests."
Ciri's back was in quite terrible pain. Luckily, Team Witcher had managed to locate the one single Sky Rim medical facility (Nords don't really care about healthcare).
"My back..." said Ciri. "What happened to it? What did Alduin do?"
Team Witcher looked up apprehensively at the doctor who was checking Ciri's back.
"How old are you?" asked the doctor.
"One-hundred and twenty-seven," replied Ciri.
"Yeah, people tend to get back problems at your age," said the doctor.
"I'm not old!" said Ciri. "I'm perfectly young!"
"You're not," said the doctor.
For the first time, it dawned on Ciri that she was incredibly old.
"I don't have many years left..." she said kind of sadly. "I'm getting old."
She looked in the doctor's mirror, and for the first time, saw the wrinkles all over her face.
"I would prescribe you some painkillers, but earlier today, we ran out of stock when a whole town worth of old people appeared out of nowhere," said the doctor.
Just then, there was a knock at the door. A man with vaguely dark skin entered.
"Hello, what do you need?" asked the doctor.
"There is nothing wrong with me," said the man. "It is just that there is something wrong with you."
"And what is that?" asked the doctor.
"You're too young," replied the man.
And then he pulled out a small handgun, screamed "ALLAHU AKBAR!" and shot the doctor. Team Witcher watched in horror as the doctor quite quickly aged to death.
"Now... it's your turns," said the man, turning the handgun to Team Witcher.
TO BE CONTINUED
IN
THE WITCHER: PART XLI
THE LION, THE WITCHER, AND THE WARDROBE