The Witcher: Part XLI
The Lion, The Witcher, and the Wardrobe
Previously, on The Witcher:
ISIS has returned, with a brand new ageing ray, which can make you die of old age in just a few seconds!
Team Witcher went to the doctor, but he was shot by an ISIS soldier, and he aged to death. And now the ISIS soldier is turning the ageing ray on Team Witcher.
How will our heroes make it out of this predicament?
"Allahu Akbar!" screamed the ISIS thug. He fired the ageing ray at Geralt, but Geralt rolled out of the way with the skill of a relatively skilled ninja.
The ageing ray hit the wooden wall behind Geralt, which quite quickly decayed into a quite terrible rotten state.
"Allahu Akbar!" screamed the ISIS thug again. He shot at Christian White, and then Lady Feudalism, and then Ciri.
They all dodged, and Christian White kicked down the rotten wall behind him, and Team Witcher ran away from the ISIS thug as fast as they could.
"That ray can make people so old that they die," said Ciri, while they were running. "That's a terrible fate."
Suddenly, they heard the ISIS thug yelling from behind him. "YOU CANNOT GET AWAY! YOU CANNOT ESCAPE FROM YOUR FATE!"
The ISIS thug exploded. Team Witcher were thrown forwards by the force of the explosion, and they landed face first in some snow.
"Is anyone hurt?" asked Christian White.
"My back still hurts like hell," said Ciri.
"Presumably, Admiral Ackbar is probably going to send more ISIS thugs this way," said Geralt. "We need to get some disguises so the ISIS thugs think we're one of them."
A few hours later, a mysterious figure with a turban, mask, and black clothes passed through the ISIS-controlled town of New Moria. On a small trailer he carried, was a lion and a wardrobe.
"Great disguises, Geralt," said the lion, who's voice sounded almost exactly the same as Christian White's, for some reason. "Didn't it occur to you that there might not be lions in really cold regions like the Sky Rim?"
"I'm an exotic salesman, who also happens to be an ISIS supporter," replied Geralt, from behind his mask and his turban. "These disguises are perfect!"
"It's really not comfortable in here," came Ciri's voice from inside the wardrobe.
"Why did I have to be the back end of the lion?" came Lady Feudalism's voice from the lion's behind.
There were a large number of ISIS thugs and supporters crowding the central plaza of the town. And in the middle, on a raised platform, stood Admiral Ackbar.
Geralt could see civilians watching from their windows, obviously terrified of all of the ISIS thugs.
One little civilian boy ran up to Geralt.
"Hi, I'm Solomon!" said the boy in quite a friendly manner.
"My mother says ISIS people like you are evil? Is that true?" asked the little boy.
"Solomon!" came a voice from behind. The boy's mother picked up Solomon and quickly took him back indoors.
And then Admiral Ackbar spoke.
"People of ISIS! I am proud to announce that the town of New Moria is now under the absolute control of ISIS, and by extension, Hitler's mighty Reich which we are so lucky to be a part of. So from now on, anyone propagating non-ISIS or non-Nazi ideals will be put to death by rapid ageing!"
A struggling young man was dragged up to the stage.
"This man is an archeologist," said Admiral Ackbar. "He was found in the ruins of the ancient dwarf town of Moria excavating various heretical artifacts."
The archeologist started yelling to the crowd.
"THEY CAN'T BE HERETICAL! MORIA IS A DWARF TOWN FROM THE THIRD AGE! THEY WERE AROUND BEFORE YOU, ISIS! YOU HAVE TO RESPECT THE-"
Admiral Ackbar disposed of the man by shooting him with an ageing ray.
"ALLAHU ACKBAR!" said Admiral Ackbar. "HEIL HITLER!"
"That was horrible," said Ciri, who was watching the proceedings through a crack in the wardrobe.
"And now, the heretical dwarf ruins of Moria will be destroyed!" said Admiral Ackbar.
"ISIS are insane," said Ciri. "They can't go around destroying ancient ruins."
Suddenly, there were a few cries of "Allahu Akbar!" and a massive explosion was heard. Geralt walked to the edge of the plaza with his trailer, and watched as the ancient dwarven ruins of Moria were reduced to dust.
"They're destroying history," said Ciri from inside the wardrobe. Just then, Admiral Ackbar tapped Geralt on the shoulder.
"That's a mighty fine wardrobe you have there," said Admiral Ackbar to Geralt. "I should like to buy it."
"It is not for sale," said Geralt, speaking with his best exotic accent.
"No, no, no, come on now," said Admiral Ackbar. "One-thousand gold pieces enough for you?"
Jihadi Joe, and his buddies Jihadi John, Jihadi Jacob, Jihadi Joshua, Jihadi Janet, and Jihadi Jarrett had been invited to have dinner with the Führer. They sat at the table with Adolf Hitler, and they were drinking wines.
"How does my wine taste?" asked Hitler to the ISIS gang people. "It was brewed at my personal vineyard."
"It tastes wonderful," said Jihadi Joe.
"It's marvellous," said Jihadi John.
"Splendid, just splendid," said Jihadi Jacob.
"Best wine I've ever had," said Jihadi Joshua.
"The most superior wine, I'm sure," said Jihadi Janet.
"This wine is... good," said Jihadi Jarrett.
"Only good?" said Hitler.
"I can think of a way to make it better," said Jihadi Joe. Jihadi Joe pulled out his rapid ageing ray gun, and shot it at the wine.
"Now, my Führer, this wine will taste even better, now that it's matured." Adolf Hitler drank the wine, and immediately spat it out.
"It tastes like vinegar, you moron!" yelled Hitler. "You're supposed to know that alcohols oxidise to carboxylic acids!"
He grabbed his sword and impaled Jihadi Joe.
"Ten-thousand gold pieces," said Admiral Ackbar to Geralt.
"No," said Geralt with his 'foreign' accent. "This wardrobe is a family heirloom. It belonged to my great-great-great grandmother and she said she would rise up from hell and strike me dead if I sold it."
"Twenty-thousand gold pieces!" said Admiral Ackbar.
"No!" replied Geralt.
"One-hundred-thousand gold pieces, final offer!" yelled Admiral Ackbar.
"No," said Geralt finally.
"Very well then," said Admiral Ackbar. "I shall have to kill you to get that wardrobe for myself."
Admiral Ackbar pulled out his rapid ageing ray gun, and fired at Geralt. Geralt rolled out of the way, and disarmed Admiral Ackbar with magick. Geralt's mask and turban fell off at this point.
"You!" said Admiral Ackbar. "The Witcher!"
All of the ISIS thugs then surrounded Geralt, and aimed their ray guns at him.
"It's a trap!" said Admiral Ackbar. "But this time... it's a trap for you."
The ISIS thugs fired their weapons at Geralt, who dodged and blocked the beams with his sword. The rest of Team Witcher jumped out of their rather stupid disguises and helped fight off the thugs.
Team Witcher ran through the town of New Moria, being constantly fired at. Stray ageing rays hit civilians, causing several innocent people to age to death.
"How do we beat these guys?" asked Ciri.
Team Witcher were being overwhelmed by the sheer volume of ISIS thugs.
"I have an idea," said Geralt. He walked up to the local New Moria garden store, drawing the fire of the ISIS thugs. The ageing rays caused the plants of the ISIS store to start growing at a phenomenally fast rate.
A forest basically sprouted in the middle of New Moria in a few seconds, and the ISIS thugs found themselves all restrained by a particularly successful vine plant, which had weaved itself around their bodies.
None of them could move.
Ciri and Lady Feudalism and Christian White breathed a sigh of relief. But Geralt was not relieved; he was horrified to see all of the civilians who had been caught in the cross-fire.
New Moria was littered with skeletons and dead bodies in varying states of decay.
"It was a massacre," said Geralt, sadly. "And it's mostly my fault. This wouldn't have happened if I didn't pass through this town."
And then he saw one person who was still alive: an incredibly old man lying on the sidewalk. The man pointed at Geralt.
"You... I remember you... you aren't an ISIS person. You're good," said the old man.
"Solomon? You look so old..." asked Geralt.
"I'm... only four... years old..." said Solomon, who looked to be 504. Geralt knelt besides the dying Solomon.
"I'm sorry..." said Geralt. And then Solomon died in Geralt's arms, and was no more.
The rest of Team Witcher joined Geralt. They stood in silence and sadness, realising just how many people had been killed.
And then, Geralt turned around and saw Admiral Ackbar about a metre behind him, who had somehow escaped from the vines.
"You can't get rid of me that easily," said Admiral Ackbar. And Admiral Ackbar screamed "Allahu Ackbar!"
And then Admiral Ackbar shot Geralt in the head with the rapid ageing ray gun at point-blank range.
TO BE CONTINUED
IN
THE WITCHER: PART XLII
THE MOUNTAIN OF DEATH