The Witcher: Part XLIII

The Infinity Himmlers

Previously, on The Witcher:

Finally, Team Witcher are ascending the Mountain of Death en route to the final destination, the Palace of Death. Unfortunately, Ciri, Lady Feudalism, and Christian White have all been captured by an evil spider-Himmler! And Geralt has been pushed into a mountain crevasse by a palm tree-Himmler.

How will our heroes make it out of this predicament?

Geralt slowly awoke. He was in an ice cave, and it was quite terribly cold.

"Hello, Geralt," came a vaguely familiar voice from behind him.

Geralt turned around. Standing there, was a man wearing a tattered black full-body suit, and a damaged black helmet.

"Darth Rikon!" exclaimed Geralt. Geralt drew his sword on his father.

"Please," said Rikon. "My name is Korin."

"What?" said Geralt.

"I've changed, honestly," said Korin. "You made me see the error of my ways. I'm good now."

"Dad?" said Geralt.

"Yes, I am your father," said Korin. "You may call me 'dad'."

"Okay," said Geralt.

"Nice hair, by the way," said Korin. Geralt scowled.

"I saw you falling down the crevasse, so I grabbed you out of the air, and saved you," said Korin.

Geralt looked at his father's damaged body suit. "What happened to you?" asked Geralt.

"After you... changed me... I decided that my life would no longer be dictated by Adolf Hitler," explained Korin. "So I went and faced him. And then, well... you know how Hitler is... he got a bit angry and then he zapped me with a bit of lightning and I only just got away. And then he sent a bunch of Himmlers after me and I ran away and here I am."

"It was some kind of mutant palm tree-Himmler who pushed me into the crevasse," said Geralt.

"The Himmlers can now assimilate genetic data from third-party sources," said Korin. "So that means clever tricks like spraying them with some slightly acidic rain no longer work."

"Can't we just fight them?" asked Geralt.

"Do you know how many Himmlers there are?" said Korin. Korin led Geralt to the mouth of the cave, and pointed out at the landscape of the Mountain of Death. Instead of being rocky and snowy like it was before, the Mountain of Death was now covered in dense overgrowth, with a variety of fearsome-looking animals moving about.

"Every tree, every bush, every animal you see on the Mountain of Death is a mutant Himmler," said Korin.

"I see," said Geralt, with a sinking feeling in his stomach. "So Lady Feudalism... and Christian and Ciri..."

"The Himmlers have probably already come for them," said Korin somberly. "No single person is powerful enough to defeat the combined force of every Heinrich Himmler."

"Then what do we do?" asked Geralt.

"Well..." began Korin. "I have a plan."

Korin walked to the corner of the cave, and lying there, was the dead body of a Heinrich Himmler.

"Asexual reproduction is the key to Heinrich Himmler's success," said Korin. "If you can stop that, then it should be relatively easy to take out all of the Himmlers. I have been studying this Heinrich Himmler's cells, and I believe I know how to defeat Heinrich Himmler."

"You see, when Heinrich Himmler reproduces, he undergoes a specific kind of rapid mitosis. I discovered a type of radiation, called the Omega Wave, which, on contact with a Heinrich Himmler, disrupts the mitotic spindle fibres, therefore rendering him... well... sterile."

"You're smart, dad," said Geralt. "I never realised you were so good at science."

"Can you go and shoot all of the Himmlers with that radiation now?" asked Geralt.

"It's not that simple," said Korin. "The only way to transmit the radiation is with a radio mast. And the only radio mast on the Mountain of Death is about one kilometer from here."

"That's not too far," said Geralt.

"To get there we have to pass through the dense overgrowth of Himmlers, though," pointed out Korin.

"Oh," replied Geralt.

At the base of the Mountain of Death, there sat the largest airship in Rivia.

"Very nice," said Hitler, staring up at the airship and admiring the handiwork of the Nazi Elf Draugr. "We will surely ascend this mountain faster than the Witcher. And we'll be waiting for him at the Palace of Death."

Hitler walked up the ramp into the airship, with his 48-man orchestra following close behind. It was a luxury airship, manned with a crew of 723 Nazi Elf Draugr.

"Beautiful," said Hitler, walking into his office at the front of the ship. And then the ship took off, and began to slowly ascend the Mountain of Death.

Ciri, Christian White, and Lady Feudalism were trapped in a cage, beneath a Heinrich Himmler-tree. A Heinrich Himmler-cat prowled up to the cage.

"There's no escape..." said the Heinrich Himmler-cat. "It is only a matter of time before the Witcher comes to rescue you... And then... we can kill him and his father."

Lady Feudalism ran her hands through her hair.

"Poor Geralt," said Christian White.

"I... think Geralt is a naive fool," said Lady Feudalism suddenly. "He thinks he can get away without anyone dying. I don't know if I have faith in him anymore..."

"I have faith in the Witcher," said Ciri. "I have more faith in the Witcher than anyone else I've ever met."

"What do you know about faith?" said Lady Feudalism scathingly.

"My entire life... has been in preparation for this journey," said Ciri.

"When I lived in Cintra... we had a fortuneteller who said that the Witcher would one day pass through our small desert town. Knowing that the fate of all Rivia would depend on this journey, I decided to volunteer to wait for the Witcher. I gave up my family, my friends, and my boyfriend, Klippi to wait for the Witcher. Everyone else left Cintra when they heard that there were perhaps better lives in other places."

"But I remained behind. I remained faithful to the Witcher. I spent years training my body and mind for this journey, for the Witcher. I waited 102 years, and I remained faithful. And I still am."

"I don't know if I can remain faithful to Geralt," said Lady Feudalism.

Severus Hitler, Communist O'Lenin, and Klippi had reached the base of the Mountain of Death. The incline of the Mountain of Death was near vertical.

"How the heck do we get up that?" asked Communist O'Lenin. Severus reached into his bag and pulled out three grappling hooks.

"Come on," said Klippi. "I'm too old for this."

"You can stay behind here," said Severus. "Or you can come with us to save the world."

"Fine then, I'll try it," said Klippi. He threw the grappling hook up at the icy mountain-face, but it bounced off and fell back to the ground.

"Useless," said Communist O'Lenin.

"It looks like we're left with no choice," said Korin. "We've got to go to the radio mast and somehow get past all of those Himmlers."

"Then let's waste no time," said Geralt. "It's time for us to do this."

Korin drew his lightsaber, and Geralt drew his golden sword. And father and son walked out into the abyss of Heinrich Himmler.

TO BE CONTINUED

IN

THE WITCHER: PART XLIV

SUICIDE MISSION