The Witcher: Part XLVI
Super Monday Night ComBat
Previously, on The Witcher:
Lady Feudalism and Christian White have been brainwashed by the diabolical Capitalist McMoney! And now Lady Feudalism and Christian White are attacking Geralt and Ciri.
How will our heroes make it out of this predicament?
Capitalist McMoney turned away from the fight as an out of breath Nazi Elf Draugr ran up to him with a box.
"A gift from Herr Hitler," said the Nazi Elf Draugr, handing Capitalist McMoney the bat.
Capitalist McMoney opened the box quickly. Inside was what looked like a baseball bat.
"The Emperor said this bat was called a uh... Monday Evening Communications Bat or something. Apparently it can allow you to communicate with the Economics realm," said the Nazi Elf Draugr.
"I am well aware of what this is," said Capitalist McMoney, holding up the bat. "It's a Super Monday Night ComBat. I've been trying to get my hands on one of these for a while. It can smash holes in the fabric of this reality and anything that moves through the hole will be transported to the Economics realm. I suppose Hitler only wants me to make small holes so I can trap the Witcher..."
"...but I have better plans. I am going to transport the entirety of Rivia into the Economics realm. And then, I can dominate the world."
"It would be unwise to stand against Herr Hitler," said the Nazi Elf Draugr.
"But now... I have the power to do so," replied Capitalist McMoney.
And Capitalist McMoney smashed the Nazi Elf Draugr in the head with the Super Monday Night ComBat, creating a hole in reality. The Nazi Elf Draugr fell through to the Economics realm.
Geralt and Ciri were backed into a corner by the four capitalist zombies.
"It's me, it's Geralt!" said Geralt. Geralt pushed over Letho and knocked him out with some magick. "Please don't make me hurt you!" Geralt knocked out Grey Mann.
Lady Feudalism and Christian White continued to advance.
"Do something, Witcher!" said Ciri.
"Hang on," said Geralt. "I think I've prepared something for this."
Geralt reached into his pockets and pulled out some ointment made of mashed fly. He rubbed it over Christian White's face, and Christian White screamed in pain and fell back.
"Grey..." mumbled Christian White. "Grey... good... evil... black... grey... white..."
He looked up, and the life in his eyes had returned. "Geralt? What happened to me?"
He was denied an answer, as Lady Feudalism swung Iorverth's sword towards his neck.
"You have denied the truth, Christian White!" she cried. "You fail to understand that capitalism is the only way!"
Geralt ducked under her sword, and rubbed the ointment over her face.
"Iorverth!" she cried. "Iorverth, Iorverth, Geralt... Geralt..." she mumbled, momentarily dazed. "Geralt, Iorverth... Severus..."
And then she looked up, once again lucid.
"You were brainwashed by that scoundrel McMoney," said Geralt. "But you're back now. You're safe."
"Don't be too sure of that," came a voice from behind Geralt. It was Capitalist McMoney, holding the Super Monday Night ComBat.
"That bat," said Christian White, pointing to the Monday Night ComBat. "That bat can tear holes in the fabric of this universe. Be careful with it."
Capitalist McMoney struck the unconscious forms of Letho and Gray Mann with the bat, and a giant hole appeared in the middle of the office.
It began to grow, sucking everything into it. The Economic wormhole began to consume the Lehman Brothers CEO office. Geralt kicked down the front door of the office and led Team Witcher down the stairs.
The event horizon was slowly gaining on them, and Capitalist McMoney sat atop the event horizon, using his economic power (which translated to physical power due to the economic energy spilling out of the wormhole).
"You will be consumered!" laughed Capitalist McMoney as the reality hole continued to increase in size.
"You know about politics," said Severus, taking Communist O'Lenin aside.
"Do you think that I'm... do you think that I'd make a good world ruler?" asked Severus.
"Well, you can be a little bit cruel at times," said Communist O'Lenin quite earnestly. "But nowhere as bad as your father is. If you have someone to hold you back... someone to stop you from being a cruel or negligent leader, I think you might be fine."
"I'm not proud that my name is Hitler," said Severus. "It's a mark of shame. One day, I'm going to change it and then I won't be literally Hitler... I'm not a bad person."
"Just remember that we're not on this quest for the power. We're on this quest because we want to make Rivia a better place," said Communist O'Lenin.
Capitalist McMoney was growingly increasingly maniacal. The reality hole had absorbed a considerable portion of the recreational facility building and it would only be a matter of time before it absorbed Team Witcher.
Team Witcher ran out the front door, onto a snowy plateau on the Mountain of Death. There was considerable economics energy spilling from the reality hole, and Capitalist McMoney was concentrating it into green bolts and firing it at Team Witcher. Geralt kept trying to deflect it with his golden sword, but even gold could only absorb so much economics energy.
"Does anyone have platinum or diamonds or anything of high economic value? Only things of high economic value can absorb economic energy," said Geralt.
"Ha ha ha ha ha!" yelled Capitalist McMoney. "It's gone too far now! Nothing in the world can stop me now!"
Geralt raised an eyebrow at how stereotypical Capitalist McMoney was being.
"Not the Witcher, not Hitler, not my brother, not you, my sister, nobody!"
Geralt deflected a few more shots of economic energy with Smite.
"Feel the power of ECONOMICS!" screamed McMoney.
Geralt jumped up into the air and drove his sword towards Capitalist McMoney's chest.
"No you're not doing this again," said McMoney. And Capitalist McMoney summoned a torrent of economic energy sending Geralt back, towards the growing hole in reality, which had consumed all of Lehman Brothers.
Team Witcher retreated back along the ridge, and they hid behind an outcropping of pock. Christian White turned to Lady Feudalism.
"Is there nothing you can do to stop your brother?" he asked.
"Seriously, there's nothing I'd like more than to kill that diabolical moron," said Lady Feudalism. "But no, I have nothing."
"Come on Witcher!" yelled Capitalist McMoney. "Come out and I will finish you!"
Just then, Geralt had an idea.
"I think I know how to solve this reality hole problem," said Geralt.
"What is it?" asked Christian White.
"Well, if you think about it, the capitalist economy is tied directly to an arbitrary and easy to produce item: paper money," said Geralt.
"And so what?" said Ciri.
"Well, I reckon that if we can get enough paper money, we can pump it into that reality hole, and the entire Economics realm will inflate causing Capitalist McMoney to become powerless as his wealth disappears," replied Geralt with advanced economic knowledge.
"Where do we get paper money though?" asked Lady Feudalism.
"We only really need the paper and the ink," said Geralt. "And I'm pretty sure I can magick out all of the patterns and stuff."
"COME ON GERALT! COME ON MY SISTER! THE ECONOMICS REALM IS CALLING!" screamed McMoney again.
"Where do we get the paper and ink though?" asked Geralt.
Ciri reached into her bag and pulled out several rolls of toilet paper. "This is good lol?" asked Ciri.
"Perfect," said Geralt. "And now I need ink."
Christian White reached into his pocket and pulled out a bunch of pens.
"GERALT! YOU CAN'T HIDE FOREEEVVER!" yelled Capitalist McMoney.
Geralt smashed the pens with a nearby rock, and a bunch of ink spilled out.
Ciri pulled out a one-thousand dollar note, the highest denomination of currency, and Geralt carefully magicked the pattern all the way down all of the toilet paper rolls.
It took a few minutes to complete, whilst Capitalist McMoney yelled his capitalist threats. At the end of it, Geralt had completed a considerable wad of counterfeit money.
"This looks pretty good," said Geralt, comparing the counterfeit notes to the real note. "I think the Economics realm won't be able to tell the difference."
"WHERE ARE YOUUU?" screamed Capitalist McMoney.
"Okay, here I go," said Geralt, holding the wad of banknotes. He jumped out into the open, and Capitalist McMoney immediately saw him.
"THERE YOU ARE, WITCHER!" he screamed.
Geralt ran up to the event horizon and threw all of the counterfeit banknotes into the Economics realm.
At first, nothing happened.
But then, Geralt could see the effects of inflation beginning to appear. The energy spilling out from the Economics realm changed to a murky black colour, and the event horizon darkened. Capitalist McMoney's power began to wane, as the amount of capital he owned decreased.
And then, all of a sudden, he fell to the ground, powerless.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" cried Capitalist McMoney. "My plans! No... you cannot..."
He was defeated.
"My... my capital... the capital... that I raised... over all those years... the power that I... created... is all gone!"
The dark hole in reality continued to grow.
"You fools! You haven't stopped the hole in reality!" yelled Capitalist McMoney. "Even though the Economics realm is in chaos, it's still going to absorb all of Rivia."
"Oh no," said Geralt.
"Nobody's going to have any money when Rivia's been sucked into the Economics realm," said Capitalist McMoney. "And they have a name for what a capitalist world is like when you have no money."
"What is that?" asked Geralt.
McMoney spoke ominously.
"Hell."
TO BE CONTINUED
IN
THE WITCHER: PART XLVII
KAER MORHEN