The Witcher: Part XLVII
Kaer Morhen
Previously, on The Witcher:
Geralt counterfeited a lot of money, and it caused the Economics realm to inflate, so Capitalist McMoney became powerless. However, the giant hole in reality he made is still there, and it is growing and it is unstoppable.
How will our heroes make it out of this predicament?
The giant black hole in the fabric of the universe was slowly eating away into the mountainside. Harsh winds and bolts of economics energy whipped around Team Witcher and Capitalist McMoney.
"How do we stop it?" asked Lady Feudalism to Capitalist McMoney. "You of all people should know."
Capitalist McMoney started laughing. "We're all gonna go down together! There's no way to stop it!"
Geralt ran his hands through his long white hair. "This is an economic hole... so normal laws of physics don't apply to it..." he said. "If only there were a way to... close it... or move it somewhere where it can't do any damage."
"Your magick can't do anything to that hole!" laughed Capitalist McMoney. "Only money can do anything to that hole."
"Do we have money, or anything valuable?" asked Geralt to Team Witcher.
"I have a bunch of paper money but it's all worthless thanks to you," said Capitalist McMoney bitterly.
"Any diamonds or anything that resists inflation?" asked Geralt.
"Your sword," said Lady Feudalism.
"It's made of gold isn't it?" said Christian White.
"It retains its economic value even during times of inflation!" said Ciri.
Geralt pulled out Smite, and he sliced left at the reality hole. The reality hole began to move to the left very slowly.
And then Geralt sliced upwards, and the reality hole began to move upwards. And it continued to move higher and higher up into the sky until it was no longer visible.
"Ha," said Geralt. "Laws of gravity don't apply to that thing. So I suppose it will keep going into space forever. And hopefully I never have to suffer the consequences of this action."
Geralt was suddenly interrupted by Capitalist McMoney shooting a bolt of lightning at him.
"I NEED THAT GOLD SWORD!" screamed Capitalist McMoney. "I NEED MONEY! I NEED CAPITAL!"
Capitalist McMoney rather pathetically continued to attack Geralt, before Lady Feudalism froze him. Capitalist McMoney's entire body was encased in ice, apart from his head.
"PLEASE!" yelled Capitalist McMoney. "LET ME HAVE A CHANCE TO REGAIN MY CAPITAL! I'LL BE GOOD! I'LL TURN GOOD!" Capitalist McMoney started to sob.
"Let's leave him," said Geralt.
"No," said Lady Feudalism. "I've had enough of you, Capitalist McMoney. I've had enough of your stupidity and your moronic corrupt capitalism. I'm sick of your existence. And that's why... that's why I have to kill you."
Lady Feudalism drew Iorverth's sword.
"You wouldn't dare," said Capitalist McMoney, leering at Lady Feudalism.
"I've always wanted to kill you, Capitalist McMoney," said Lady Feudalism. "I hate you so much, I hate everything you stand for, and I hate the fact that I have the dishonour of being your sister."
"You don't have to do this," said Geralt.
"Shut up, Witcher," snapped Lady Feudalism. "You know nothing about hate. You know nothing!"
"Please, Lady Feudalism, just listen to me!" cried Geralt.
"You're so naive and ignorant, Geralt. You have these romantic preconceptions about being a hero, but you fail to realise that we live in a time of conflict."
"If you kill Capitalist McMoney you're killing in cold blood," said Geralt. "You can't appoint yourself his executioner!"
"I'm his sister. There is nobody more appropriate than I to end his miserable existence," replied Lady Feudalism.
"Please... I don't want to die," whimpered Capitalist McMoney. "Don't kill me." There was a kind of gleam in his eyes which invited pity.
Lady Feudalism sighed, and rubbed the back of her neck. "I don't know..." she said quietly.
"You've always thought that you wanted to kill him," said Geralt. "But won't make any difference to anything at all."
"I'd be doing Rivia a service by ridding her of this thing," said Lady Feudalism.
"Not really," said Geralt. "Our quest is almost at an end, and when we have the Sword of Death and rule the world, we'll be able to mind-control people like Capitalist McMoney to prevent them from doing things like this."
"Good point..." said Lady Feudalism.
"If you kill him you'll be doing it only out of hate," said Geralt. "You'll be no better than Adolf Hitler."
Lady Feudalism stopped for a moment and stroked her chin.
"Are you letting me go?" asked Capitalist McMoney. "Please please please please let me go!"
Lady Feudalism sighed. "Very well. You may go," she said.
And then she melted the ice, and Capitalist McMoney ran away, down the Mountain of Death, as fast as he could.
Lady Feudalism fell to her knees. Geralt turned to Ciri and Christian White.
"Can we have some time alone?" he asked.
Ciri and Christian White retreated behind a nearby outcropping of rock.
"Are we good now?" asked Geralt, crouching besides Lady Feudalism.
Lady Feudalism blinked a few times. "Yeah. We are, Geralt. We're good. I'm... sorry for what I was going to do... I just hate capitalism so much. I would be lost without your guidance, Geralt." She kissed his cheek.
"You're a good friend, Lady Feudalism," said Geralt. Lady Feudalism raised an eyebrow for a brief, imperceptible moment.
"Call me Grace," she said quite suddenly.
"Grace?" said Geralt.
"Yeah, that's my name. Grace Feudalism..." replied Lady Feudalism.
"I never tell anyone my first name," she said. "Not even Iorverth knew."
Lady Feudalism started to lean in towards Geralt, and Geralt was slightly confused for a moment. And then, all of a sudden, he realised what was happening.
"Oh," said Geralt. "I see... uh... I'm not too sure what to uh... say or do at this point... uh..."
"It's okay, Geralt," said Lady Feudalism.
"I think... it would be best if we leave this stuff to after we finish our quest," said Geralt. "World domination first, romance later, okay?"
Lady Feudalism looked a little annoyed. "Okay, then," she said.
Geralt summoned the magick carpet and Team Witcher continued to fly up the Mountain of Death.
A Nazi Elf Draugr entered Hitler's office.
"Mein Führer, I have some information," he said.
"What is it?" said Hitler impatiently.
"I have learned that Capitalist McMoney tried to use the Monday Night ComBat to absorb Rivia into the Economics realm," said the Nazi Elf Draugr.
"The fool," remarked Hitler disdainfully. He looked out the airship window and happened to see a figure sprinting down the mountainside.
"There he is," said Hitler. "Bring that coward to me. I have a few words for him."
On the Mountain of Death, the darkness of evening came relatively early.
"I can see the top of the mountain!" said Geralt excitedly. "We're almost there!"
As the magick carpet continued to rise, Geralt saw a line of large stone-walled fortresses surrounding the summit of the Mountain of Death.
"Is that the Palace of Death?" asked Ciri.
"I don't think so," said Geralt. "God didn't actually tell me what the place looks like, but I think we should keep going up to the summit."
Team Witcher continued to rise, and the gradient of the rise of the Mountain of Death started to level off. After about two minutes, Team Witcher had reached the peak of the Mountain of Death.
Atop the peak, there sat the majestic Palace of Death.
The walls were made of dark black stone, which, despite the thousands of years since Jesus' time, had not weathered away at all. In fact, the walls looked polished; they glistened in the moonlight.
There was a wide series of steps leading up to the front doors of the Palace of Death. Geralt landed the magick carpet at the bottom of the steps.
"Well, here we are," said Geralt. "Journey's end."
Geralt, Lady Feudalism, Ciri, and Christian White stepped off the magick carpet and they walked up the stairs.
At the top of the stairs, right in front of the massive stone doors, there was a marble orb, about a metre in height, with a small notch at the very top.
"I'm guessing that the Key of Death goes in here," said Geralt, pulling out the Key of Death (which Iorverth had sacrificed himself to retrieve).
"We're the first ones here," said Lady Feudalism. "We've won!"
Geralt went and high-fived everyone, and then stuck the Key of Death into the Lock of Death.
Nothing happened.
"What's the matter?" asked Geralt suddenly, shocked.
Just then, a very old man with a grey beard emerged from the darkness. "My name is Vesemir," he said. "And you are the seventh Witcher, Geralt of Rivia, I assume?"
Geralt nodded, struck speechless by the gravelly majesty of Vesemir's voice.
"The Palace of Death will only open at noon," said Vesemir. "For that is the way the mighty first Witcher, Jesus Christ, designed the seal. Until noon tomorrow, allow me and the other greybeards to invite you to our wonderful city of Kaer Morhen."
"Where is that?" asked Ciri.
"There is a ring of fortresses surrounding the summit of this mountain. Within the fortresses is our city," replied Vesemir.
"Very well," said Geralt.
And Team Witcher and Vesemir flew down to Kaer Morhen.
On the outside, Kaer Morhen seemed like a tranquil and high-cultured city.
Inside, the story was quite different. The city was filled with bright lights and loud music and cars and cheap stores.
"Kaer Morhen has several swimming pools, and concert halls, and stuff like that," said Wulfgar, the greybeard tour guide Vesemir had assigned to Team Witcher. "There's the casino, and here's a recreational park, and here's some flash hotels."
"I thought you greybeards moved up to Kaer Morhen to separate yourself from worldly items," said Christian White.
"Well, originally, that was the plan, yes," said Wulfgar. "But if you leave any group of people without worldly items for long enough, they start to invent worldly items."
After a while, Wulfgar led Team Witcher to Kaer Morhen movie theatre number seventeen.
"There's someone here to meet you," said Wulfgar. "He's a really big fan of you, Witcher."
"Who is this?" asked Geralt.
Before long, a young greybeard with dark skin entered. "Hi, I'm M. Night Shyamalan," he said. "I'm a big fan of yours."
He ran up and shook Geralt's hand quite vigorously. "I made a film about you and your journey, and I really want you to see it."
"Oh no," said Geralt.
Capitalist McMoney stood before Hitler.
"Explain yourself," said Hitler. "Tell me why you betrayed my wishes."
"In capitalism, it's every man for himself," said Capitalist McMoney with hatred in his voice. "There are no alliances."
Hitler's orchestra began to slowly play his theme.
"YOU DARE DEFY ME!" yelled Hitler, smacking his fist on his desk. "You will pay for what you tried to do."
Adolf Hitler reached down behind his desk, and drew his massive sword, with its long, blood red, blade.
"Oh, please, don't," said Capitalist McMoney with terror in his eyes. "I don't want to die."
Hitler laughed.
"Please I... I don't... really... just please do-"
Hitler abruptly cut Capitalist McMoney off as he thrust his sword into McMoney's chest. McMoney screamed in pain, and then began to twitch on the end of Hitler's sword, as Hitler continued to laugh.
Hitler shook the limp form of Capitalist McMoney off his sword onto the ground. And Capitalist McMoney was no more.
"Incinerate this," he said, pointing to the dead body.
A nearby Nazi Elf Draugr carried the corpse away.
Hitler turned to his orchestra, and they crescendoed his theme. "I have a plan for what I shall do once I have retrieved the Sword of Death and defeated the Witcher," he said to his orchestra. "I call it... the Final Solution. You see... the non-witches... the muggles... the vermin have plagued Rivia for many years."
"When I rule the world, I SHALL PURGE RIVIA OF ALL THE NON-WITCHES! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Severus stood on the edge of a ledge, staring out at the lands of Rivia. "Soon enough, this will all be mine, for better or for worse," he said, almost solemnly.
"Why are you so sure you'll beat your father and the Witcher?" asked Klippi.
"The Witcher has beaten you before on multiple occasions," said Communist O'Lenin.
"Yes... it is true that in this three-way battle, I have the least firepower," admitted Severus.
"But, in all honesty... I believe I'm the smartest. Geralt and my father are both idiots. I just need to make a few... cold and calculated moves..."
"But how?" asked Klippi. "What's your plan?"
"You'll see," said Severus.
"When the opportunity presents itself... when the right time arises... I will be there."
TO BE CONTINUED
IN
THE WITCHER: PART XLVIII
THE LAST WITCHER