A Series of Unfortunate Events

Chapter 41

Sharon reclined on the couch and watched the hustle and bustle going on around her. She'd tried to get up and help twice but Andy had threatened to hogtie her to the bed if she did it again. Judge Richwood was due that afternoon and she wanted to help get ready for him. After all, this little party was her idea! She had promised Andy she would stay put and let everyone do the preparations but it was hard to watch everybody else do what she was used to doing. Every time she so much as moved a muscle someone would tell her not yet, she needed to rest. Finally, in pure exasperation, she snapped, "Okay, that's it! If one more person tells me I have to rest and do nothing while everybody else has a job they are working on, I will scream! If I have to sit here, the least you could do is give me something I can do to keep my hands busy while sitting here! Please, I'm going stir crazy with nothing to do!"

Andy turned towards Sharon and saw the unshed tears in her eyes and felt guilty. He knew what it felt like to be in her position. When he had been on bed-rest and she had been the one working she had made sure he had something to do and made him feel like he was still part of the team. He had to watch that disgusting reality show but after the first episode, he had been hooked in spite of himself. He felt remiss at not giving her something. As he wracked his brain for something she could do Eileen saved the day by bringing her Livie to care for. "Here Darling, Olivia's been in the kitchen with me helping me to fix lunches. I'm pretty sure she needs a diaper change, her bottle, and a nap. I was just going to change her when I heard your plea for something to do. Here's her clean diaper, the changing pad, the wipes, some hand sanitizer, and a plastic bag for the dirty diaper. Just let me know when she's finished her bottle, I'll put her down for her morning nap and then when she wakes up I'll give her a bath and dress her for the adoption ceremony. I'll bring you her bottle in just a minute."

Eileen started to go to the kitchen to get the bottle for Livie but stopped when she saw the crestfallen look on her daughter's face that she was trying to hide without much success. It had been a while since Sharon had had to put on the mask that she wore at work, a mask that hid her emotions. So her disappointment of not being allowed to take care of getting Livie ready for the ceremony was obvious, at least to her mother and Andy. Sharon swallowed the lump that had immediately formed in her throat. She wanted to be the one to bathe Olivia and get her ready for her adoption. Knowing her daughter, she knew the reason for her daughter's crestfallen look immediately. "Honey, if you like you and I will bathe Olivia together. If… you have time before for you and Andy to get ready. Okay?" She patted Sharon's shoulder and kissed her brow.

"Thank you, Mom," Sharon said gratefully that at least her mother understood how frustrated she was becoming with not being allowed to do even the most normal of tasks of everyday life. She was also grateful to be given something to do even if it was just changing a dirty diaper.

Andy watched mother and daughter and was further reminded how remiss he had been to try and keep Sharon out of the preparations. He should have better remembered how it had felt to be treated like an invalid when all he wanted was to get his life back. "Yes, thanks, Eileen. I'm sorry Sharon, I should have remembered what it was like when I was in your situation. I didn't mean to freeze you out of everything, it's just that the doctor told you to…"

Sharon rolled her eyes and finished the sentence with an exasperated tone of voice. "Rest… I know Andy but laying here while everybody else is busy is not restful! If I can't participate in activities that make life meaningful, why be here at all?" Sharon remarked, trying to make Andy and everybody else realize that she would not accept a life that did not allow her to actively participate in it. She would not allow her family to treat her like an invalid for long. She'd had just about all she could take after the last several weeks.

"Forgive me?" he asked. Giving her a heartfelt kiss.

"Yes, of course, but don't do it again," she said giving him her best Darth Raydor glare.

"Yes, ma'am," Andy said and saluted her then went about finishing his task.

Sharon looked down at Olivia and couldn't help but smile. She was still so tiny, only the size of an average three-month-old even though she was going on five and a half months. She was growing but she still had a way to go to get on the charts for size in her age group. Olivia was staring up at Sharon, her fingers were in her mouth and she straightened out her legs and flexed them. Her tiny little toes were splayed wide apart. Before she started to change Livie's diaper, Sharon grabbed the baby's little feet and blew on them, making the baby laugh out loud. The sound she made was hoarse and a bit hollow sounding but it was definitely a laugh. Sharon laughed with her. She had always loved being a mother whether her babies were small like Livvie or adults like Ricky, Emily, and Rusty. Even with her feminist sensibilities, Sharon Raydor knew her role as a mother to her children was one of her most important and fulfilling roles in her life. Every bit as important as her role as Commander of Major Crimes or Captain of FID or Andy's wife Sharon or Eileen's and Richard O'Dwyers oldest daughter. The role of a mother had brought her joy when the rest of her life as Jack's wife had brought her nothing but heartache. Her children and her role as their mother to them had gotten her through some of the hardest times in her life. It had given her the will to become the strong woman she had become and had given her the strength to fight to provide for them.

Sharon bent towards the baby and made sure Olivia could see her face as she talked to her, while she changed her. She tried to incorporate the baby signs that Ricky had showed her for words like dirty, clean, and eat as well as the signs for mama and daddy and bottle. As she spoke to her, she used infant-directed speech. A high-pitched voice accompanied with flamboyant facial expressions that depicted what she was trying to say. Ricky had told her that facial expressions and body language were key to bringing attention to what was being conveyed through signs. Actually, he hadn't needed to tell her that. She was an intuitive mother who had figured it out on her own but also, being a mother who loved her oldest son to pieces. She had listened avidly as he regaled her with fact after fact that he had researched, on the web about how to expose a deaf infant to sign along with all other ways of communication. She'd been thrilled that he cared enough for his new little sister to do research to help her learn to communicate, so she was more than happy to listen to what he had found out. They'd gone over the signs several times and she was remembering to use them in conjunction with the facial expressions and high pitched voice more and more.

Once she changed the baby's diaper and cleaned up the mess, then cleaned herself up, she was ready to feed her. Eileen handed her the bottle and Sharon lifted Olivia up into her arms and onto her lap. She placed her in the feeding position but instead of putting the nipple in Olivia's mouth, she decided to allow her to do it herself and she did. Sharon laughed when Livvie popped the bottle in her mouth, with both hands but used only one hand to keep it there. With the other hand, she grabbed a lock of Sharon's hair and put it against her cheek. Sharon kissed her head and ran her free hand through the baby's strawberry blonde curls. After about twenty minutes of holding her, Sharon was suddenly very tired.
Andy watched her shoulders slump and knew when the realization of fatigue hit her. He was not vindicated. He was worried. Sharon watched as Olivia finished her bottle and the baby's eyes started to close. Her own eyes were fighting to stay open as well. Eileen had been watching too and came around to the front of the sofa, she bent down and gently took the baby from her. Then she took Sharon's hand to guide her back to her room. "Come on, Darling, let's get you both a more restful place to sleep."

Sharon got up obediently and followed her mother into her bedroom. Andy watched, surprised that Sharon went with her mother without a fight. Eileen pulled the blankets up and waited while Sharon sat down on the edge of the bed, kicked her mule style slippers off and then lay down and tried to get comfortable. "Do you want Livvie to nap here with you or in her crib?" Eileen asked.

Sharon looked regretfully at the sleepy baby in her mother's arms. "In her crib, I'd love to have her here with me but she's rolling over now and I'm afraid she'll either roll onto the floor or I'll roll on her and squish her."

"How about if you fall asleep together and I'll put her in her crib once you're both asleep?" Sharon shrugged and then nodded. As she said this Eileen laid Olivia next to Sharon. The infant turned toward Sharon got a hold of a lock of her hair and stuck her thumb in her mouth, closing her eyes as she did this.

"Would you like me to stay and rub your back until you fall asleep?" Eileen asked innocently.

"What am I, three?" Sharon asked, her voice laced with a touch of bitter sarcasm.

"No, you're not three, but you are my daughter, who is not feeling well. I'm your mother and I can't help wanting to help you feel better," Eileen said in a slightly hurt tone of voice.

Sharon instantly felt contrite. She sat up and hugged her mother, being mindful not to squish the baby lying beside her. "Mama, I'm so sorry. It would feel lovely to have you rub my back like you used to when I was sick as a child. I'm just so very very sick of being sick! I'm sick of being treated like an invalid. I'm sick of being scared all the time…" Sharon looked down and pressed her lips together, trying to hold onto her composure, "and… now… with this new diagnosis, there doesn't seem to be an end to it in sight. I really didn't mean to take those feelings out on you, though. You've been nothing but kind, loving, and supportive. Do you forgive me?"

Eileen reached out and stroked Sharon's cheek. "Yes, of course, I forgive you, Darling. You've been through so much in the last few months, anybody would be a bit irritable given half the stuff you've been through. Don't forget, I've been down this heart problem road with your father and you are your father's daughter. Stubborn and independent. Listen, Sharon, your father and I have been talking and we'd like you to get a second opinion. Your father's cardiologist is willing to take you on as a new patient. He's done wonders for your father, his name is Dr. Raphael."

Sharon looked away from her mother and said. "Mama, I don't want to see any more new doctors! With this PTSD, I freak out even being in a doctor's office! I seem to have no control over it and... not having control over my emotions and the way I respond to things scares me more than anything. I don't want to end up in another psych ward because I'm freaking out and can't control myself!" She trembled and her voice broke, her eyes filling with unshed tears. Just the mention of her experiences in the psych ward still had the power to freak her out.

Seeing her daughter falling apart, caused Eileen's own heart to break. She looked down at the baby and saw she was asleep so she lifted her into her arms and went over to the baby's room, which was adjacent to Sharon and Andy's room. She placed the sleeping infant in her crib and then went back to her daughter's bed, sat down beside her, and gathered her in her arms. Sharon laid her head on her mother's shoulder, breathing in her mom's scent. It helped to comfort her. Eileen kissed Sharon's forehead and ran her hand down her back. "I know, Honey, I know. I can understand that you don't want to end up in that situation again but Honey, no one is going to put you in another psych ward because you freak out in the doctor's office. For one thing, Andy wouldn't let it happen and neither would I! Also, because… well, I've taken the liberty of explaining to Dr. Raphael, that you have PTSD and why."

"You told him that without asking me first? Mamma!" Sharon pulled away from her mother's shoulder and gave her the Darth Raydor Glare.

Eileen did not flinch in the face of the Darth Raydor glare. She looked back at her calmly and unapologetically. After all, she had given birth to Sharon and had changed her diapers when she was a baby. Not to mention the fact that Eileen recognized the glare as being the very one she had used on both of her children when they were small. Sharon was the only one of the two of them who had learned to emulate it and use it to her advantage. At least when it was used on other people. "Yes, I did Sharon, I wanted him to understand everything that has happened, so he would understand if you… freak out as you refer to it. Plus, I felt that he needed to know what you've been through so he could make a fully informed diagnosis. He's been faxed over a copy of all your medical information your MRI, blood work, everything."

Sharon fumed, "and I suppose you talked Andy into going behind my back to do this?"

"Well, yes Dear, he's your medical power of attorney after all. Listen it wasn't just Andy or just your father and I. We all decided to do this Sharon. Your children, Andy, your father, and I. We all knew your knee-jerk reaction to seeing another doctor would not be a positive one but we love you and we want you to be well again. We want you to get your life back to be yourself again. Don't get me wrong, we will be there for you no matter what happens, and we will all take care of you and Livvie until you are strong enough to take care of yourself and her. I… we believe that day will come, Sharon. I'm… confident it will!"

"Mama, I know you mean well, but it's not fair to my children or you and Daddy to have to drop your own lives to deal with mine. I've always been the one taking care of others and I hate that it's the other way around lately." She looked down and tried to swallow her sorrow. "I used to be so strong and now... I'm an invalid." With those words, Sharon's hand covered her mouth in a sob. "Sometimes, I think it would have been better if I had died in those bomb blasts. I've been so much trouble to everyone ever since. First, there was the double pneumonia then being locked in the Psych Ward and the recovery from that! Now, this Cardiomyopathy! It's all too much! Andy was sick with his heart attack just, well I guess it's been about a year ago now, he doesn't need this kind of stress! He doesn't complain but I know he's in a state of constant anxiety about how this will all play out and my children; Ricky should be in Palo Alto pursuing his career! Not flying back and forth from there to here to babysit his mother! Emily is here instead of New York... Then there's Rusty, he should be enjoying his youth and getting ready for law school. Instead, he's changing baby diapers and helping you take up my slack in caring for Olivia. There's you and Daddy, you should be enjoying your retirement not taking care of me and the baby. We're supposed to be adopting Olivia and I can barely care for myself much less care for a special needs infant! We should let Nicole and Dean adopt her instead. They're young… but I… I…I promised Rusty," Sharon's voice broke then.

Eileen had been listening but her focus was on Sharon's declaration that she wished she had died in the bomb blasts. "Sharon Eileen O'Dwyer Raydor, don't you ever… ever… say that you wish you were dead to me or anyone else, ever again! Don't you know the devastation your death would cause us all? Do you have any idea? If you think of no one else think how it would affect Andy!" Eileen was shaking with the force of her vehemence.

In a somber whisper, Sharon faintly said, "I'm trying to think of Andy."

TBC...

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