The Witcher: Part XLVIII
The Last Witcher
Previously, on The Witcher:
Team Witcher have arrived in the city of the greybeards Kaer Morhen, which is just below the Palace of Death. Unfortunately, they have run into one particular excitable greybeard: a certain M. Night Shyamalan.
And he's made a film about Team Witcher, and he wants then to watch it!
How will our heroes make it out of this predicament?
Team Witcher sat in the Kaer Morhen theatre.
"This better be good," said Geralt.
EXT. DAY, SHOT OF BLUE SKY
TITLE TEXT [THE LAST WITCHER]
[DIRECTED BY M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN]
[PRODUCED BY MICHAEL BAY]
LADY FEUDALISM (V.O): This is the story of a wonderful man who bought hope to millions of people throughout Rivia, and how he brought down the evil Nazis and defeated Adolf Hitler.
"Spoilers, mate," said Ciri.
LADY FEUDALISM (V.O): This is the story of the Witcher, Geralt of Rivia.
CUE DRAMATIC THEME SONG
PAN CAMERA DOWN TO CLOSE UP SHOT ON A CHICKEN
LADY FEUDALISM (V.O): Interestingly, the great hero we all know and love originally began life as a fowl.
CAMERA ZOOM OUT
LADY FEUDALISM (V.O): Geralt had such a great love for the world that he decided he would take a human form to save it from the Nazis.
THE CHICKEN MORPHS INTO GERALT, AS THE CAMERA ZOOMS OUT
A MUGGLE WALKS ONTO THE SET
MUGGLE: I order you to kill all the witches.
GERALT: K
GERALT RUNS OFF INTO THE DISTANCE, HIS WHITE HAIR STREAMING BEHIND
"Hang on," said Geralt. "Movie Geralt has white hair already! But at that point my hair was still red!"
LADY FEUDALISM (V.O): So Geralt went to kill all the witches. Unfortunately, he discovered morality at this point, and decided he would not kill all the witches.
EXT. DAY, HEAVEN
GERALT: I was so conflicted about killing some witch kid that I killed myself. And now I am in heaven.
GOD (V.O): Geralt, if you promise to go get the Sword of Death and restore balance to the world, I will bring you back to life.
GERALT: K. Will go on quest.
"What's up with all this exposition?" asked Lady Feudalism.
"I think the writing is pretty terrible so far as well," said Geralt.
LADY FEUDALISM (V.O): Geralt did a few things before he met me.
EXT. DAY, A PLACE
GERALT FLIES TOWARDS A PLACE
FIRE AND STUFF COMES UP FROM THE GROUND AND HITS HIM
INT. DAY, ANOTHER PLACE
GERALT IS CHAINED TO A THING
ENTER PRINCE SEVERUS
SEVERUS: I am the Half-Blood Prince. I need your red blood cells so I can carry sufficient oxygen.
GERALT: No.
GERALT SHOOTS SEVERUS WITH A BOLT OF LIGHTNING AND FLIES OUT THE WINDOW
EXT. DAY, THE SKY OVER ROLLING GREEN HILLS
FLYING GERALT HITS AN AEROPLANE, AND HE FALLS TO THE GROUND
A MAN, HIMMLER, CLIMBS OUT OF THE WRECKAGE
HIMMLER: I am the evil asexually reproducing Heinrich Himmler. Yar!
GERALT: I hate all asexually reproducing organisms!
"That's wrong," said Geralt. "I don't hate them, it's just that it's more morally justifiable to kill them."
"I disagree," said Christian White. "All life forms are equally-"
"Shh, we're watching," said Ciri.
HEINRICH HIMMLER DIVIDES INTO SEVERAL HUNDRED
GERALT KILLS THEM ALL
LADY FEUDALISM (V.O): And then, came the fateful day that he met me, his one true love.
INT. DAY, INN
GERALT ENTETS THE INN
INNKEEPER: I love money...
GERALT: What?
CAPITALIST MCMONEY ENTERS THE INN
MCMONEY: Ha! Witcher, there you are! I'm going to kill you.
GERALT: Oh no! How will I make it out of this predicament?
LADY FEUDALISM ENTERS THE INN AND PUNCHES MCMONEY IN THE FACE.
GERALT: Wow, oh my god, you're awesome.
LADY FEUDALISM: Anything for you sweetie.
THEY KISS
LADY FEUDALISM (V.O): And from that day on, my life was never the same.
Lady Feudalism looked quite annoyed.
"I thought you liked romance," said Geralt.
"It's not that," said Lady Feudalism. "The actress that's playing me is white, and she has blonde hair! I'm a witch! I'm supposed to have green skin! Why did they have to change my race?"
EXT. DAY, VIZIMA
A CROWD OF BRAVE WARRIORS HAVE GATHERED BEFORE LADY FEUDALISM AND GERALT.
LADY FEUDALISM (V.O): We're looking for fifty men to accompany us on our quest to vanquish the Nazis.
IORVERTH WALKS UP TO LADY FEUDALISM
IORVERTH: My men will bravely follow you, m'lady.
LADY FEUDALISM: Thank you Iorverth.
EXT. DAY, TRAVELLING ACROSS SOME GENERIC LANDSCAPE
IORVERTH: The men feel sick. I think they are catching some sort of disease.
GERALT: I will check your men out.
GERALT SHRINKS HIMSELF AND JUMPS INTO THE BRAINS OF IORVERTH'S MEN
INT. BRAIN OF IORVERTH'S MEN
SEVERUS IS WITHIN
SEVERUS: I am so EVIL and I want to DOMINATE THE WORLD!
GERALT: You evil Nazi!
THEY FIGHT AND GERALT WINS
GERALT: Rekt.
GERALT EXITS THE BRAINS OF IORVERTH'S MEN
EXT. DAY, OUTSIDE
ONLY IORVERTH AND LADY FEUDALISM ARE LEFT
IORVERTH: All of the other ones were cowards and they ran away.
GERALT: Well, they suck.
THEY JOURNEY
LADY FEUDALISM: We need supplies, so let's check out this Temeria town.
THEY GO INTO THE TOWN
CUT TO SIX HOURS LATER
THEY COME OUT OF THE TOWN
IORVERTH IS GONE
LADY FEUDALISM: Where's Iorverth?
THE EVIL ELF TIVOHERR APPEARS
TIVOHERR: I took him. You need to follow me.
EXT. DAY, DESERT
TIVOHERR: This desert city is called n'onu Satan. It is the ancient city of the elves.
INT. N'ONU SATAN
A DRAUGR JUMPS OUT OF NOWHERE
GERALT ZAPS IT AND IT DIES
"Wait a second," said Lady Feudalism. "Isn't that violating your moral code?"
"Did that even actually happen?" asked Ciri.
"Well, yeah. But that was a normal draugr, which, unlike Nazi Elf Draugr, aren't actually alive in the first place," replied Geralt.
"Thanks for clearing that apparent plot hole up," said Lady Feudalism.
TIVOHERR: I am actually the EVIL SIDE of IORVERTH.
POINTLESS EXPLOSIONS
TIVOHERR: Now, I will ressurect the elves!
ELF DRAUGR APPEAR AND ATTACK GERALT AND LADY FEUDALISM
GERALT ZAPS TIVOHERR AND HE TURNS BACK INTO IORVERTH
GERALT FLIES IORVERTH AND LADY FEUDALISM SAFELY AWAY FROM N'ONU SATAN
EXT. NIGHT, THE TOWN OF CINTRA
GERALT: I think... we need more firepower on Team Witcher.
LADY FEUDALISM: Yeah, we do.
THEY KISS, AND IORVERTH EYES THEM JEALOUSLY
"Ooh, this is where I come in," said Ciri.
INT. CIRI'S HOUSE
A YOUNG WOMAN IS SITTING ON THE MAGICK CARPET
CIRI: Hi, I'm Ciri.
SHE KISSES GERALT
LADY FEUDALISM: Don't you dare steal my true love from me!
LADY FEUDALISM KISSES GERALT
CIRI: But I've trained to be with the Witcher for many years!
CIRI KISSES GERALT
LADY FEUDALISM KISSES GERALT
IORVERTH KISSES LADY FEUDALISM
LADY FEUDALISM KISSES CIRI
CIRI KISSES IORVERTH
"What the hell?" said Geralt, covering his eyes. "Was this film written by a five year old or something? It doesn't actually make any sense!"
"I'm liking the fact that I'm a beautiful young woman in this film," said Ciri, watching the current scene and smiling.
EXT. DAY, DESERT
TEAM WITCHER HAVE A MAP
GERALT: So... where are we standing according to this map?
IORVERTH: On top of an active volcano.
THE GROUND SUDDENLY EXPLODES, AND TEAM WITCHER FLIES UP ON THE MAGICK CARPET
THERE ARE SEVERAL MORE EXPLOSIONS
MORE EXPLOSIONS
GERALT: Look over there! That town will be destroyed by the pyroclastic flow!
IORVERTH: We've got to protect it!
GERALT USES MAGICK TO PREVENT THE PYROCLASTIC FLOW FROM DESTROYING THE TOWN
CIRI: You single handedly saved that town.
SHE KISSES GERALT
LADY FEUDALISM: You're the best!
SHE ALSO KISSES GERALT
IORVERTH: Hey...
HE KISSES CIRI
LADY FEUDALISM KISSES IORVERTH
IORVERTH KISSES GERALT
"Not this again," said Geralt, covering his eyes once again. "This is a terrible, terrible, film."
INT. THE WITCHER FAN CLUB
FAKE GERALT (WITH BANDANNA AND NOSERING) ENTERS
GERALT: Who are you?
FAKE GERALT: The real Witcher.
GERALT: I'm afraid that you're wrong, and I'm the real Witcher.
THEY FIGHT
GERALT WINS, AND NICKS A GOLDEN SWORD OFF THE FAKE GERALT
CAPITALIST MCMONEY ENTERS
MCMONEY: Finally, Witcher, I have you where I want you!
MCMONEY TELEPORTS THEM TO THE ECONOMICS WORLD
EXT. ECONOMICS
MCMONEY: Now, I have the power to destroy you, Witcher!
GERALT JUMPS UP AND STABS MCMONEY
GERALT: Gold sword has economic power, mate. You should know that.
THERE ARE SOME EXPLOSIONS AND TEAM WITCHER ARE BACK INTO THE REAL WORLD
EXT. DAY, REAL WORLD
LADY FEUDALISM: Geralt, you know sooo much about economics.
LADY FEUDALISM: I love you, Geralt.
SHE KISSES GERALT
CIRI KISSES GERALT
LADY FEUDALISM KISSES IORVERTH
"For God's sake," said Geralt. "All of this gratuitous nonsense really isn't necessary."
EXT. DAY, RANDOM PLACE
SHAKE THE CAMERA A BIT TO MAKE IT SEEM LIKE THERE'S AN EARTHQUAKE
CIRI: Oh my god an earthquake, save us Witcher.
GERALT: I've located the fault, and it's here.
GERALT TEARS OPEN THE GROUND AND SEALS THE FAULT
GERALT: Oh no, twenty-three people died!
PAN TO SHOW 23 DEAD BODIES
"Hey, that 23rd dead body is played by M. Night Shyamalan," said Christian White.
"So it is," said Geralt.
INT. NIGHT, SOME TOWER
CIRI: Why are we here?
GERALT: Because we were sent to investigate the strange thing at the top of the tower.
AD LIB SOME REFERENCES TO THE NUMBER TWENTY-THREE
INT. NIGHT, TOP OF TOWER
IORVERTH BECOMES POSSESSED
IORVERTH: Hello, I'm the sentient number twenty-three, and I'm here to irritate you.
GERALT: Well, you don't exist according to logic.
23 VANISHES
LADY FEUDALISM: Wow, you're so smart Geralt.
SHE KISSES GERALT
"I'm pretty sure they got the number wrong. It wasn't twenty-three, was it?" asked Ciri.
"I trapped the number in my brain, so it isn't publicly available anymore," replied Geralt. "Nobody can actually use or remember the correct number anymore."
"Oh," said Ciri.
EXT. NIGHT, THE CITY OF NEWELL
TEAM WITCHER ARE IN A HOUSE TOGETHER
CIRI: I heard there were some people from ISIS in this town.
GERALT: Meh.
SEVERUS BREAKS INTO THE HOUSE
SEVERUS: Witcher... we meet again!
THEY FIGHT, BUT THEN SOME ISIS PEOPLE TURN UP AND BLOW THEMSELVES UP AND THEN GERALT AND SEVERUS ARE KNOCKED OUT AND TRANSPORTED AWAY
"The pacing in this film is all off," said Christian White. "There's too many things to cover in just one hour!"
"I think a TV series would be more appropriate for my journey," said Geralt.
INT. ISIS PRISON
TEAM WITCHER AND SEVERUS ARE CHAINED UP TOGETHER
ADMIRAL ACKBAR ENTERS
ACKBAR: Hitler will be proud that my ISIS men successfully trapped you, Witcher.
ACKBAR: It was quite a genius trap, to trap you while you were fighting Severus here.
WHITE GAS SUDDENLY STARTS TO APPEAR FROM THE VENTILATION DUCTS
ACKBAR: It's a trap!
TEAM WITCHER AND SEVERUS RUN AWAY FROM ISIS
EXT. DAY, SHORE OF SOUTHERN CONTINENT
GERALT: We can't fly across the water.
OSCAR WILDE ENTERS
WILDE: That's why you need a ship. Here is my ship, the Geralady Feudalism, which you can use.
EXT. DAY, GERALADY FEUDALISM
GERALT: Iorverth is missing, did anyone else notice?
LADY FEUDALISM: Oh no!
GERALT: Don't worry about him, Lady Feudalism, you're my babe, not his.
THEY KISS
GERALT: Hey look, he's probably over there.
AN ISLAND RISES OUT OF THE SEA
IT IS ATLANTIS
GERALT: Let's go there.
EXT. DAY, ATLANTIS
TEAM WITCHER SEE IORVERTH
IORVERTH: Hi, I transformed to Tivoherr briefly and he made Atlantis appear.
GERALT: Oh well, I'll seal Atlantis away, and we can all be happy again.
GERALT DOES SOME EXPLODY MAGICK AND ATLANTIS DISAPPEARS
EXT. DAY, GERALADY FEUDALISM
WILDE: Oh no, it's the Wilde Hunt, they're coming for me!
EREDIN JUMPS ONTO THE GERALADY FEUDALISM
EREDIN: Arr, I be here to kill ye. Arr.
OSCAR WILDE KILLS EREDIN WITH A BAT
GERALT: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! MOOORRRRAAAALLLLS!
GERALT KICKS OSCAR WILDE OVERBOARD
GERALT: I don't like people killing other people.
"I really can't finish this film," said Geralt. "Everything is so boring and terrible and repetitive. And almost nothing makes sense! And a lot of plot points are horribly inaccurate."
"M. Night Shyamalan will be offended if you don't finish his film, Geralt," said Lady Feudalism.
"Fine, I'll suffer this rubbish," said Geralt.
INT. THE LIBRARY OF DEATH
IORVERTH STAGGERS IN, A HOLE IN HIS CHEST
LADY FEUDALISM: No, Iorverth!
IORVERTH: I'm afraid it is time for me.
HE DIES
LADY FEUDALISM: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
CIRI: We should get a replacement for him.
"I think this is where I become relevant for the first time," said Christian White.
EXT. DAY, SOME PLACE (DIRECTOR COMMENT: I DON'T REALLY CARE ANYMORE)
A BURNED FIGURE IS ON THE GROUND AND IS FOUND BY TEAM WITCHER
CHRISTIAN WHITE: Hello, Team Witcher. I heard you had a vacancy.
CIRI: Ooh, yeah, we definitely do.
SHE KISSES HIM
CIRI: Christian White is now the newest member of Team Witcher.
CIRI KISSES GERALT
LADY FEUDALISM KISSES GERALT
LADY FEUDALISM KISSES CHRISTIAN WHITE
"Okay, I'm not going to bother with any more of this," said Geralt. "I'm fastforwarding this to the end."
And Geralt used his magick to cut to the final scene of the film.
"Hey, I was enjoying that film!" said Ciri.
INT. THE PALACE OF DEATH
GERALT AND HITLER STAND AT OPPOSITE ENDS OF THE ROOM
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM, IS THE SWORD OF DEATH
"It looks like this film has a prediction of the future," said Geralt.
LADY FEUDALISM (V.O): And so it came down to this: the ultimate final battle between Adolf Hitler and Geralt.
GERALT: I've decided that there is only one way to bring liberty and freedom to the world.
HITLER: How?
GERALT: Killing you!
HITLER: But what about your morals?
GERALT RUNS UP TO THE SWORD OF DEATH, GRABS IT, AND DECAPITATES HITLER
GERALT: I have decided that morals are for the weak! I want to be a strong leader, which means no morals!
LADY FEUDALISM (V.O): And from that day forward, Geralt was king of the world.
TEXT APPEARS ON SCREEN: [THE END]
"I think that final character progression at the end was horribly unrealistic," said Lady Feudalism.
"I agree," said Geralt. "It was just a terrible film overall. The plot was rushed, the dialogue was stilted, the special effects were poor, and the character development was almost non-existent."
"And also, there isn't even going to be a fight between me and Hitler. I'm going to have the Sword of Death, so I can just mind control him. No need for any sort of final battle!"
"I hope so," replied Lady Feudalism.
TO BE CONTINUED
IN
THE WITCHER: PART XLIX
THE SWORD OF DEATH