My old definition of 'normal' is now out of date.
My old definition of 'weird' is now out of date.
My old definition of 'life' is now out of date.
My old definition of 'love' is now out of date.
My old definition of 'Fang' is now out of date.
In case you missed it, or are one of those instant reply loving people (or both) then you're probably wondering what you missed. Since I'm not very good at building up suspense, I figure I should just spit it out.
…
…
Okay, just give me a second here…
…
Okay, new plan. I'll tell you what I'm doing first and then I'll tell you why I'm doing it.
Or actually, maybe I'll just start were I left off last time.
Yeah, I'll do that…
Well, Fang and myself went to look for a new campsite. You know, somewhere with more cover, more access to water, stuff like that.
And it was getting dark, so we, Fang and me, I mean… We were, uh, staying in cave, and he uh…
Well…
I suppose he must really want me on board with his plans, because…
…He kissed me…
Take a moment to re-read that a few times while I gather my thoughts.
…
Okay… I'm okay.
Now the debate begins.
Anyway, that's what happened, and maybe now I should tell you where I am…
Except I don't really know.
Yeah…
I'm sort of… flying as fast as I can consistently fly in a beeline away from that cave.
Where Fang is.
And it's dark, and I don't know where I am, where I'm going, or where I want to be.
Sounds about how it usually is for me, but this time it's much, much worse.
I mean, how much confusion can one girl take? How much?
Really?
My load is already so big, I don't even know where I'm going to fit 'bizarre girl boy stuff' on the list.
And Fang, of all people…
I breathed deep and closed my eyes, letting the wind whip through my hair, trying to will it to tear these problems from my head so I would never have to deal with them.
But it didn't.
Of course not.
But Fang, of all people.
So, here I am. Flying very, very fast in the dark, over the Texan desert, not knowing what to do.
Everything was boiling over.
Everything.
I needed to do something to relieve the pressure.
The flock, staying sane, ITEX, The Voice, saving the world… Fang,. It was all too much to comprehend.
So I did something I normally don't do.
I landed on the cold sand of the desert, curled into a little ball and I cried.
I cried large, heaving sobs for an incalculable amount of time, and let me tell you something.
It felt good.
I was doing something when I couldn't do anything. It filled the void. And I needed it.
Sue me.
I still felt a little stupid, crying in the middle of nowhere, but I have arrived at the conclusion that this is preferable to losing my mind.
I mean, normal people cry when things get unbearable, right?
So there I stayed, crying, in a little pathetic ball in the middle of a perpetual Texas nowhere land.
And, like I said, it was a long time until I stopped.
And I was constantly wondering when The Voice would drop in to mock me. Make me feel better, like it's prone to do.
I've tried to ignore it, I've tried to make myself believe it's nothing. But I think I'm an actual schizophrenic. You can add that to the 'Things Botheing Max' list. And you should, because I'm going to start losing track of them all.
Anyway, when I did stop crying, I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep. So I decided to go for a walk. Nowhere particular in the middle of nowhere, so picking a direction was easier. And I just walked. Just walked and thought about my life. Well, how much there is to really think about it, anyway.
It occurred to me that there's not a lot of substance in my life. Plenty of style, but nothing substantial. And that thought was depressing, and it made me want to cry again. But I found I couldn't; I was all cried out for the night. Not to mention if I had cried more, I would've probably died of dehydration.
And it was at that point that I decided myself psychologically fit enough to tackle the glaring 'Fang' issue. Codenamed, Operation Fang.
Why had he kissed me?
Why?
Did he do it because he likes me? Does he truly like me in that way?
Or…
Did he do it to give himself a political advantage?
Did he do it to make me more susceptible to listening to him? To listen to his plans and maybe even go with them?
Was that all it was? Just a move in some sort of game for power?
What the hell kind of game was Fang playing?
Or maybe he really meant it, and did it because he likes me…
Are you kind of seeing what I have to deal with?
Well, at least I'm nearly completely sure that it's one of the two aforementioned scenarios.
One, he really means it, meaning he must like me somehow, or two, he doesn't like me, and he's using me for something, most likely access to the command of my (yes MY) flock.
Which he ain't gonna get. I'm in charge, and I've been in charge, and I'm not looking for a regime change.
But if he does like really me…
And around and around this sort of thinking pranced in my head for an even longer period than I had cried, as I ambled slowly and blindly around in the desert.
If Fang was using me, that was low. But if his feelings were sincere, that opened so many doors that led to I don't even know where.
I breathed deep again, and decided to walk a little faster. I still had a long way until morning.
Loads of time and nowhere to be.
So, all I did was think and rethink everything about my strange little life all the way 'til sunrise.
It was an incredibly long night.