I wish I could say that I didn't cry myself to sleep, but I was too angry not to. I'd never been so furious before, and I couldn't even comprehend why. Hot tears burned down my cheeks and on to my pillow at his cowardice, his delay, his hesitation and maddening arrogance… I didn't cry at the betrayal because I couldn't even acknowledge it yet. I didn't weep over my curse, my present "arrangement" because I wouldn't allow myself to feel the sorrow. I couldn't deny it, but I couldn't process it either so I screamed and screamed until my throat turned hoarse from heartbreak. The heartbreak I told myself I wasn't feeling.
Some other girl rose out of bed that next morning, and I watched her go to Iroh, explaining my sentence in such a passive, nonchalant manner that I nearly burst from fury again. The crown prince saw her apparent apathy as something else, as something that brought a sadness to his eyes I hadn't seen in years, a visible pain and concern for me that I would've died to see in Ozai. That other girl, the zombie one controlling my body and tongue, begged him not to speak to the Fire Lord or try to change the law, still loyal to that traitorous angel with golden eyes, and he agreed, knowing that such an act would only make things worse with Ozai, knowing how Ozai himself would react.
Instead, Iroh promised to help me postpone any possible wedding Zhao—it was madness to speak this stranger's name so often—might have in mind, naming me as governess and guardian to Lu Ten in his absence. The general would be leaving again soon on a campaign that could take up a year or more, and Zhao's leave was only for a month. He'd view that as time to "woo" me, no doubt, but every extra minute was an opportunity to find some escape.
"But, Lady Ursa, you have to understand… You must play along for now. Until we find a better solution, you must be satisfied with smaller victories. Fighting your father will get you nothing and will force the families to act faster, to trap and force you. I hate to ask this of you—"
"No," that mad woman in me whispered, surprised to find herself agreeing with him. "You're right. I have to let him think that he's won, that he's comfortable… Or I could meet his parents covered from head to toe in mud, and I could sing instead of speaking, and I could wave my arms constantly—"
"Ursa," Iroh said with a smile that didn't reach his eyes.
I knew that wouldn't work. My father would just lock me away somewhere, never to see anyone ever again.
But I wouldn't pretend to like Zhao. I couldn't.
"Thank you," I whispered with a nod, leaving before he could say goodbye or hug me.
What will the nobles say? I thought with a bitter chuckle as I reached home. I'll have set a new record. Engaged within the first two weeks of my first season. They'll say it's because of my beauty. Li Mei will be jealous as a—
"URSA!" my cousins burst in on me as soon as I opened my bedchamber door.
If they saw the dread and horror on my face, they didn't comment. They didn't fuss over me or whine or try to drown me in comfort and kindness. I almost winced at their glee and delight before I realized why they were so excited.
Officially, I hadn't accepted Zhao's proposal. Officially, I hadn't met his parents. Officially, I was free, and no one knew.
Just as I was trying to decide whether this was relief or torture, Maylin's exuberance tipped the scales. Her luminescent face softened my heart, distracted me, and made her joy contagious. Zhen failed to stifle her laughter as her younger sister shared every detail of the past few days. Though she spoke a million words per minute, I heard every one, clinging desperately to the sound of her voice and the sense of her glee, grateful for every second I didn't have to spend in my own thoughts or in silence, and truly happy to see them both so happy. Zhen, of course, wouldn't say much about her new friendship, but she was completely unable to suppress childish giggles that would've mortified her a month prior.
"Maylin, please," Zhen scolded at last. "You're being rude. Ursa hasn't had a chance to speak since she arrived."
"Oh, I'm sorry!" she cried, saddened by this realization of selfishness. "I've been going on and on about Lee when I'm sure you… Well, what about you? I mean, you don't have to tell us anything about Ozai if you don't want to, but you haven't said any—"
"I'd much rather hear about your Lee," I insisted, clasping her hand in mine and seeking to assure her through a steadiness I didn't know I had. People seemed to be very persuaded when I met their gaze with just the right kind of smile, and Maylin was no exception.
Zhen, on the other hand, was a bit more perceptive.
"Are you quite sure, Ursa…?" she asked me with a raised brow, but I waved her off.
"It's just… We had a bit of a fight," I admitted out of necessity. Zhen would see through dishonesty, and it was best to give them at least some of the truth, even if they could only understand in part. "Please, Maylin, tell me more. What about his family?"
Fortunately for me, Lee had a large family with a long, detailed history. Then again, even if he'd been an orphan, Maylin would've found a way to talk about him for hours on end. Zhen limited her to one hour. Tea became a necessity for them, but I declined their invitation, claiming I wished to be alone.
"Don't worry, Ursa," Maylin assured me with that platypus bear hug of hers. "It's just one fight. I know you'll make up soon. Everyone sees the way Ozai looks at you."
My outside smiled as my inside screamed, and they left me alone.
Alone on my bed.
Alone with my thoughts.
Alone with the silence.
Alone with my tears.
They were the last ones I would allow myself to shed for some time. He'd made his decision. He'd abandoned me when I need him… I had myself to fight for. I had my own war to rage, my own enemies to overcome, and I wouldn't depend on Ozai. I wouldn't let his cowardice to turn me into a pathetic damsel incapable of saving herself. I was no shell. I was no doll or trophy.
And Zhao wouldn't know what hit him.