"Daaaaaddyyyyy!" Lu Ten cried with glee as Iroh held his arms open wide.
"My soldier bo—oomph!" the general chuckled and spun his child around and around.
The happiest man in the world.
Zhen and Maylin went to the beach house to unpack. I waited a while to greet Iroh and see when he wanted me to watch Lu Ten again. The general wanted to spend every second he could with his son, but he also had an obligation to his officers. Their leave would not be long enough for them to return home so he wanted to entertain and reward them with the magic of Ember Island.
"How are you, my dear?" he asked sincerely, linking my arm in his while Lu Ten ran on ahead of us towards the beach. "Truly?"
"As good as can be expected," I replied, trying to muster up a smile. "I'm terribly relieved Zhao didn't meet me at the docks, though I'm sure I'll have a rude awakening tomorrow."
"And your father still won't hear your pleas?"
"He doesn't trust me. He believes I would make up anything to get out this engagement so he assumes the only things I have to say are lies."
"Ursa, how can I help?"
I shrugged and called to Lu Ten despite the fact he wasn't that far ahead.
"You are so much like Ozai," Iroh said with a sigh and shake of his head. His lip curled, but there wasn't a lot of humor in those eyes. When my brow furrowed in bemusement, he clarified, "Always thinking you need to do things on your own without anyone's support. There is nothing wrong with letting people who love you, help you."
"I know," I agreed, playing with my hair out of nervousness. "But this… This really is something I have to handle on my own. If he turns out to be something I can't control, I promise to ask for help."
"All right," he agreed once he realized my mind was made up. Instead, he sought to give some last comfort. "If there's one thing I've learned about my brother, it's that he always gets what he wants eventually. And that he's not the understanding type, except when it comes to you. And I have never known him to change his mind about anything, least of all you. You bring out the best in him. You always have. You help make him… a better person."
Iroh never thought to ask whether Ozai brought out the best in me, but I couldn't blame him. He had to prioritize his brother's, and his nation's, future over mine. Still, it would've been nice to have him question what could go wrong for me, if only for a moment. It would've been nice to have anyone put my needs first.
I certainly didn't.
"Now go home! I'll watch Lu Ten. You deserve some rest after a ship ride with my son and a very pregnant woman."
I laughed and curtsied out, half-dancing to the beach house in an attempt to forget all that awaited me. I'd heard that Li Mei was visiting the island as well, and she would have little to do other than mess with me seeing as her boyfriend was assisting some magistrate in the colonies. Of course, her family's house was on the opposite side of the island, and she might be too busy throwing parties to remember any vendetta against me. On that night, all I had to worry about was unpacking, washing off, and slipping into silk robes and bed—
Zhao sat at my vanity table.
After swallowing back a scream, I managed to exclaim, "Lieutenant! This is not appropriate…"
He walked towards me saying something like, "Hello, my beautiful bride."
I stormed back into the foyer to have the safety of at least one witness. My father remained in Caldera City, of course, but there were always a couple servants around. I didn't realize how much I underappreciated them until that moment.
"I wished to surprise you," Zhao explained with a scolding brow.
"I… understand," I shifted, sitting down to exchange some warm-yet-distant pleasantries with this man who seemed much bigger than I remembered.
I'd always been a tall woman so intimidation wasn't something I experience very much. Even so, Zhao had a height and muscle tone that made me, very much against my will and basic judgment, feel rather small next to him. He looked at me like I was something to be consumed, and my body instinctively knew it was something he could break.
He was very displeased by the distance I insisted on placing between us, but he pretended to respect it and sat down in the closest chair.
"Did you receive my last few letters? I haven't had a reply since—"
"I'm afraid I didn't know how to reply," I answered despondently, hoping blunt honesty might ward him off the pursuit, if only temporarily. "I can't reciprocate your… affection, and I can't engage in any conversation given the way you spoke about your battles and victories over very real people. Women and children, fathers and sons, with true pain which you dismiss as if—"
"You sound as though I am annoyed by the suffering of others."
"I wish I could believe otherwise."
"I will not pretend to be anything less or anything more than I am," he stated with that rigid military posture. "The man you see is the man you get."
That's not the man everyone else sees I'm sure.
A bit of anger slipped out of him then.
"And if you can't understand that certain means and evils are necessary to achieve—"
"Of course I understand," I responded out of instinct, spitting what my Fire Nation education always taught me to spit out. "That doesn't mean I'm so flippant about them or that I ever forget they are evils and that there are atrocities being committed."
He lost interest in this subject.
"Get out," Zhao ordered to the servant, and she obeyed.
Traitor.
He paced instead of resuming his seat.
"You stormed out of your chambers rather rapidly. Did you see the bouquets I left? Or the silks I've brought back? It was difficult to find red—"
"Do I look like a woman that can be bought?"
"No. You look like a little girl who is in over her head."
I bit back a retort about what he looked like.
"I chose you for a reason, Ursa," he said, ignoring my title without a thought. "Don't make me regret that choice."
Zhao wanted me to explode. He wanted to bring out a fiery outburst for him to conquer. He wanted me to prove my immaturity with some short-tempered tirade.
I had a lifetime of experience with that.
So instead, I chose to be calm. Standing, I spoke without emotion but with plenty of conviction. I stated the truth with peace and purpose. Confident. Imperturbable.
Completely in the right.
"You should regret it. I will not marry you. I do not love you, and I never can. I could never marry you."
His eyebrows shot up into his hairline. I didn't know whether he was more shocked by what I said or by the way I said it. I'd pretended to soften to him, even to miss him, in a few of my letters. Perhaps I'd been more convincing than I'd intended.
He closed his gaping mouth after a few seconds, recovering and seeking to speak with as much as icy detachment as I did.
"You say that decidedly for one so young," he observed, closing in on me as if to uncover some secret hidden in my eyes. "Ah!" he smiled with a flash of mischievous delight, as if he were three moves ahead of me. As if he'd already won. "Perhaps there is another. I do hope he's a firebender... For his sake," he threatened with all the malice in the world. "When did you meet him? While I was away? I'm surprised it wasn't reported to me. I'll have to hire a new spy."
That threw me off, startling me into sitting down once more.
"You've had me watched?"
He rolled his eyes. It was apparently the most obvious thing one could possibly do.
"Of course. Ursa, you still don't seem to understand." He sounded disappointed but leaned in close to me, resting an elbow against the wall behind to grin down at me. I turned my face away as he breathed on my cheek, practically pinned to the back of my chair.
"I. own. you."
And for the next few days, it seemed like he did. Day and night. My nightmares intensified to the point where sleep was more punishment than relief. I couldn't leave the beach house without Zhao following me. He'd keep some distance if I requested it or was with Lu Ten, but that stare of molten steel never left.
And it was beginning to work. Given the state of constant exhaustion in which I lived, he was beginning to stifle me. To smother my inner flame. Ember Island was no longer a safe haven. It was no longer free. I wasn't afraid exactly. I was still too stubborn for that, but I had to live in submission for the first time. I had to understand what it was day after day… I lost the will to sing. To draw. To dance. I'd tried to dance in the backyard once only to discover Zhao watching me from over the wall. He didn't approach because he didn't have to. He knew he was getting in my head. He knew my illusion of privacy was crumbling down.
Relief could only be found when I reread my letters from Ozai. When I was with Lu Ten. When I hid in my chambers, or in the chambers of my friends'… If I was thinking clearly, I would've gone to Iroh to help, but I couldn't. I was so scared to admit my need for it. I was so unhinged that I convinced myself either there was nothing he could do or that it wasn't my place to ask him. It was Ozai's.
I didn't even think about asking the general when I was with him and Lu Ten at the beach. Of course, I could barely think about anything on that day. I'd never felt so drained, so void of myself. The young prince had insisted I play with them, but my presence was more of a comfort than a source of entertainment. Iroh was teaching him how to build a sandcastle when I decided to try swimming to quiet my screaming thoughts. Every time I closed my eyes, even if I wasn't trying to sleep, I saw that horrible face and felt that chilling touch.
Perhaps floating in the waves could awaken me from that.
I swam out without thinking or observing very much. The water was a bit choppier than normal so I swam out further to get over the big waves. Further than I should have. Too focused on floating and swimming alongside the wives, I didn't realize how far I had drifted or how tired I was until it was too late. Iroh trusted my skill as a swimmer and probably wasn't even watching, not realizing just how long it had been since I last exercised. If I really tried, I could have made it back, but I didn't want to. I was too tired. I was too sick of trying. I just wanted to float without thinking. Even if that meant floating down and down the shore until I couldn't see them anymore.
I just wanted to forget.
A wall of water crashed over me, and I tumbled beneath the surface. Salt water filled my mouth, my lungs. Surfacing, I gasped for air only to see another wave rising.
I wanted to cry. I wanted to weep. But my eyes couldn't stay open long enough for anything to slip out.
And some small part of me wanted to drown.
"URSA!"
A bolt of warmth shot through my body when two hands found my waist. Strong, smooth hands that were both hard and soft. Unscarred and undamaged, never dried out by fire because their owner was fire.
I sank into his toned chest, keeping my eyes closed to sustain the dream, so grateful to be dreaming of something other than Zhao that I didn't mind what happened outside my body. I could've been drowning, and I would've embraced death happily to be held by Ozai again.
She's fine. She's fine, I kept telling myself, clearly able to see that there was no reason to fear for her. My heart didn't seem to connect with my eyes, beating twenty times a second, my fingers clinging to her like she was water about to slip through.
I felt heavier again, and I realized I was on land again. Someone lowered me onto the sand, and I heard Lu Ten crying. I tried to open my eyes only to be blinded by sunlight and stinging salt. A towel found my face, and a voice woke me out of every haze and every care.
"Ursa."
Her smile lit up the island as she opened her eyes.
I never loved her for beauty. Hearts can't fall in love with that. Eyes and bodies can fall into lust and infatuation, but love is about two souls knowing one another. Inside and out. The physical falls away or blurs or no longer matters until it takes on the essence of the soul underneath.
And on that beach, her soul was the most beautiful thing on earth.
"Are you all right?" my brother asked in concern, coming over with Lu Ten hiding behind his knee, cowering in fear for his favorite governess.
"Never better," Ursa laughed, coughing up a bit of water as I sat next to her.
I tried to sit up, but he wouldn't allow it. Instead, I reached for his sloping jaw. He smiled at my touch, and everything else fell away.
This was perfect peace.
"Are we even now?" she referenced that lifetime ago on the beach as if it was yesterday.
She had a way of doing that.
And of always making me feel it.
"Never," I replied, brushing my knuckles against her flawless cheek. "You saved me first."
Iroh insisted that some servants carry me home, tearing me away from Ozai before I could ask the thousand questions running through my mind.
Including the one the one that rang loudest of all, "How long will you be staying?"
I still wasn't entirely sure it hadn't all been a dream once I was home again. Zhao expected me to be with Lu Ten all day so he wasn't following me for once. I found the strength to pick up my sketchbook and try, once again, to depict those cheekbones.
"She… is… perfect," I sighed, accidentally out loud, as I watched Ursa leave.
Iroh stared at me, brow wrinkled.
"Nobody's perfect, Ozai."
"She's perfectly imperfect then," I quipped and lifted Lu Ten into the air.
"Please don't idolize her, Ozai," my brother warned darkly. "She is more than an object of worship. Place her on a pedestal too high for you to ever reach, and you will only resent her in the end."