Another Saturday! Another happy unicorn!
I'm terrified as I walk back to my room. Each shadow, each creaking door, each shuffle against the floor is Orderly Hale waiting to haul me back by my arm and finish what he started. My green savior said I was safe, but that doesn't stop me from fearing the inevitable because it was only a matter of time, right? He couldn't be there to save me always. That isn't how life works.
I'm not sure if it's surprising or not when I spot the door to my prison without any complications, and even more so when I step up to the threshold to find an empty room with only the setting sun casting a shadow of doubt throughout the space. I almost expect Orderly Hale to jump out of the darkness and murmur his way into my defeat. But another diligent sweep proves the room to be empty.
It's after those few moments that I exhale in relief and quickly step forward that I let my guard down when an angry scream pierces the air, much like the scream that echoed down the fall before Patient Rosalie sauntered by. This one though originates from Patient Mary's room. I can tell because she screams again, her door practically vibrating.
And then his voice whispers through, "Patient Mary…Alice! Get a hold of yourself!"
"You wanted her! You fucking wanted her!"
I don't wait for his reply, practically tripping into my prison in my haste, slamming the door and finding my bed. Nothing ever felt so good as I sink into the mattress, wishing for sleep and letting it wash over me. Anything to escape this horror.
I dream of that day. I always dream of that day. The nightmares are always there. Never-ending. No escaping. Is there a verb for nightmares? Perhaps I should use that instead of dream. Because there's nothing whimsical about the blue and the red and the screams of my name.
Bang!
"Bella! Help me, Bella!" He always starts out that way, reaching for me but unable to grab on as he sinks below the watery surface. Red floats to the top, creating an ombre of color mixing in with the brilliant blue.
Sometimes nothing resurfaces except for tiny air bubbles popping their way to the top as a reminder of what was lost. Not tonight though…tonight that doesn't happen. First one hand appears, bursting through the water, creating a splash of blue and red, gripping onto the edge of the pool with a fierce determination. And then the second hand, both working in tandem to pull him up and onto concrete where he gasps for air, staring up at me in shock.
Bang!
"Why, Bella? Why?" I could never stand those words. The accusations behind them. The disappointment weaved through them. The shock of it all transferring from him to me. And the guilt that overcomes everything.
So I burst awake, a dying scream on my lips, as my ragged throat protests the whispers I can't help, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
Bang!