The funeral was exactly what you'd expect of a funeral. It had every stereotype and cliché surrounded in a dense fog of melancholy. It should have been a celebration of his life and spirit, but of course it wasn't. Every ritual and tradition was a silent reminder of not only mortality but emptiness and the dying out of a culture, a family. The line of Avatar Roku was dwindling away to nothing, and no one else seemed to have enough fire to revive it.
His sister showed more concern for my marriage prospects than the loss. I couldn't fathom her insensitivity at first, but I realized soon enough why she fixated on it. There wasn't a noble in the Capital who would speak to me unless we were related. They weren't avoiding me while I was in mourning; the people of the Fire Nation were too accustomed to death and funerals to maintain much social "propriety" in that regard. They were avoiding me because of my family.
Li Mei's gossip convinced everyone that Zhao had been forced into an engagement by my father. His death allowed the lieutenant to call it off and avoid the shame of my blood. It certainly didn't help that some of my best friends in the city were servants and that I preferred to dress as one as well. From the way they spoke about me now, I felt like a pariah. Someone pitied and praised as a person but forever ostracized as a lesser class, incapable of ascension or redemption.
Which left me to be a burden on my cousins. My father had written his will in a way that promised my inheritance to my husband. And to the total mind-boggle of every lawyer to whom I spoke, I had no way to access that fortune until I wed. That left my family to protect, support, and occupy me. Watching Lu Ten gave me some income, but he wouldn't need me after a couple more years. I couldn't sit around and do nothing. I couldn't live off my cousins or off any gifts from the princes, if I'd told them the truth. Everything about me reflected badly on what little reputation they had left, and it would only invite trouble. I might not be marriage material, but some noblemen viewed me as mistress material, and they weren't that concerned with gaining my consent.
I thought about leaving the city, about becoming an artist or teacher and hiding away from "society" wherever Maylin, Lee, and Zhen ended up going, but I couldn't leave my home. The city was a part of me and, like it or not, so were the other nobles. If I could do anything to regain some favor and honor for my family, myself, and the future of Maylin's children, I had to try. I had to do everything I could to be the perfect noblewoman.
And thus, for the next few months, I did exactly that.
I certainly knew how. I'd been given training for it my entire life. I just hadn't really tried because I knew there was nothing more draining and exhausting.
But I was so drained and exhausted that I tried anyway.
I could turn it off when I was with Lu Ten or Iroh, but no one else. Maylin and her family, including Zhen, were islands away. Ozai and I didn't speak. We coexisted in silence, never more than a few feet away from each other and yet totally alone. I'd waited for him long enough; the least he could do was the same.
When it came to him, I had to entertain every doubt and question. Even though I had so few. I had to play out every possible scenario. Even though I couldn't imagine enough. I couldn't fathom a life without him, but I had to try.
Ozai had been so entwined into my identity for so long… I needed the time to see who I was without him. I could only extract so much. I could never expunge him from my spirit completely, but I needed to pretend that I could. I needed to feel like I was making an informed, unbiased decision.
Which is impossible when it comes to love.
So it became impossible the day we met.
I gave Ursa the space she needed, even when it felt like I was drowning under my father's scrutiny. He wanted me in almost every meeting he had with his advisors, and everyone listened to what I had to say. I didn't hold back on my suggestions, insights, and concerns, even when they contradicted the "experts," and I was virtually always right and made shockingly few enemies. I'd gained enough respect to have my opinions heard, whether or not my father would implement them, and even the most inflated of egos didn't take my criticisms personally. Everyone other than Azulon actually wanted to incorporate my ideas, which he allowed them to do, and it seemed to pay off. That didn't change the fact I felt an unbearable pressure and anxiety over the possibility of one failing so spectacularly, or even slightly, that no one would value my words again. I couldn't afford to lose even one ally in the war room.
I felt like I'd lost enough elsewhere.
Ursa did give me a present for my birthday, and I gave her one for hers. They were the only two days we came within ten feet of each other, and seeing her face even once was worth a thousand years of severe burning. She gave me a painting of two dancers. One a bender. One a muse. For her birthday, I gave her a dancing costume and makeup. A recreation of the painted lady.
Along with one lily. He knew how I loathed bouquets but adored the simplicity and romance of a single, perfect flower. Chosen out of a hundred others for something only the selector could see.
Later that same day, she danced at the Fire Days Festival. I watched her without any masks or disguises, even wearing my crown for once, but didn't join. If she wanted me to, she had to ask.
She didn't.
"The season" rolled around again, and I had to reach out to her.
Especially when I saw her at the opening ball, following Li Mei around like another one of her minions.
And when I finally overhead some of the gossip surrounding my best friend.
Li Mei, apparently satisfied by the relative destruction of my reputation, had taken pity on me and adopted me as her "new pet." I didn't see another option so I played a long, tedious as it might be, to tide her over and gain some peace for myself.
I spent most of the ball attending to her every request, which were few and far between given that her suitor insisted on dancing with her all night, and pretending to listen to the "perfect matches" she threw my way. I had no desire to flirt with any of them, which was fortunately excused by the fact "ladies" don't flirt, but it was rather entertaining to create new, "charming" excuses to decline dance and date invitations. I also created many new ways to insult someone's intelligence without him realizing it, though I didn't have much of a desire to stick around and find out if he ever would.
Li Mei had sent me on the hunt to find her fan when I bumped, quite literally, into an old friend.
"Piandao!" I greeted, amazed at the relief and warmth that flooded me.
It was such a rarity to see a face that was both familiar and welcome.
He smiled but couldn't speak for a moment. I was concerned until I recalled my own appearance and the typical, debilitating effect it had on one's ability to speak, especially when I wore robes this formal.
"It's wonderful to see you again, sifu," I said while he recovered.
"I was never your sifu, Lady Ursa, and the honor is all mine," he countered, and we exchanged bows. "How are you?"
Before I could answer, my new dictator spun over and urged us to dance.
"May I have this dance?" he chuckled from the pressure, and I agreed because I couldn't think of a single excuse that he wouldn't see through.
It was awkward for a minute, but then it was easy. Talking to Piandao, being with him, was effortless. I didn't have to think or worry or second guess or reflect… He was my friend, and everything about him was natural and simple, free from challenge or worry or care… There was no pressure, no danger, and no risk.
And no depth.
But the dance was fun and freeing. The movement was a reminder that my inner flame hadn't died—could never die. I could be stifled and smothered and oppressed, but never extinguished.
No one could put out my fire.
Other than myself, of course.
I lost so much of myself in the dance—in the pattern and rush—that I didn't even notice the music slowing as the song came to a close.
Piandao's eyes widened in shock, and he halted. That left me spinning out and into the arms of… him.
The tall, stone statue looked at me with his most stoic expression that could mean anything at all. His regal clothing was the deep, dark shade of blood, and his blacker than black hair had been slicked back, letting his cheekbones slice the air and suck all breath out of me.
Her eyes lit up so slightly I doubted that even she felt it. But I saw it. I always did and always would.
I lived to see it.
"I believe you've danced with the most breathtaking woman in this room long enough," the prince announced, ever apathetic and ever controlled. "If I may," he said, reaching past the swords master to me. Golden eyes aglow. "With your permission, of course, my lady," he added smoothly.
Ozai bowed and tilted his head slightly to the side, as if acknowledging that someone had bested him, but obviously not doing that.
Piandao, don't you dare let him…
He bowed out, and I blamed him even though he really didn't have much of a choice.
Ozai was a prince.
So I didn't have much of a choice I either.
I took his hand and, as always, the touch of his skin shot warmth into my every vain.
The next song began, and we took our places. Still, I refused to meet his gaze, focusing instead on his nose or dark eyebrows or his nose. I couldn't ignore how he moved with such grace, all stiff coldness gone so that he was swifter, smoother, and ever more flowing than a river. Confident as a dragon. Elegant. Sure. I struggled to remember how to think as I danced with him, his every move so flawlessly choreographed and yet instinctive. The next came yet as smoothly as if it were still part of the previous move.
As if he was only breathing.
Every eye in the room was glued to us, naturally, analyzing the way I kept looking at her and the way she turned away again and again. They couldn't fathom that any of my dance partners could be reluctant. Her discomfort would probably few a new rumor mill, but I didn't think about any of that.
I couldn't.
Ursa was trapped in my arms, but I was the one drowning in her amber pools like a love-struck pup.
"You are breathtaking, you know."
"I'm quite sure nothing could knock the wind out of you," she grumbled.
They should call him Ozai the Imperturbable.
"I can't decide," I declared, cool and calm as I soaked in the sight of her.
"Decide what?" she asked, avoiding the sight of my face entirely now yet still managing to penetrate every wall with those eyes.
To everyone else, it seemed like she was dying to get away.
To me, her spirit was dying to stay.
I didn't answer, and she sighed. Knowing I wouldn't speak until she did, Ursa looked into my eyes.
"Whether you are more like the sun or the moon. The night or the day."
I stared at the floor, helpless under the power of that piercing look, of that heart-melting and soul-inspiring set of burning gems.
"And why you're so afraid."
I forced myself to look back up, to maintain a stare in hopes it might stab his heart one tenth of the way his stabbed mine.
"The only thing I'm afraid of… is your fear. I'm afraid that you have too much fear and self-hatred to—"
"I'm not afraid of my father."
"But you're still afraid of yourself."
He didn't have a rebuttal for that, believing it to be an incurable fact of his life, searching for something else to observe.
What I wouldn't give for Ozai to see himself the way I see him…
Looking at him, I couldn't fathom the comparison my subconscious wanted me to make between Ozai and Zhao. No matter how many nightmares plagued me, I dismissed them all as ridiculous.
Zhao looked at me in the way no woman wants to be looked at; Ozai in the way every woman does.
"I believe I found something of yours," I teased while she spun out.
Her suspicious pout wouldn't last for long.
He spun me back in to reveal Li Mei's lost fan.
"Ozai, give me that," I demanded as he flourished it.
"Or should I say something belonging to your new mistress?" he mocked openly, placing the closed fan between his greeted teeth before sweeping me back into the dance.
Something in his voice or the way he stood told me that he knew.
He'd finally flashed a half-smirk to one of her academy minions to discover all the things she used to do to me, all the times she made me cry, all the trauma she brought on me when we were young, and all the rumors she'd been spreading even now.
"Ozai…"
He spun me out again, but spoke with a tone more of disbelief than disdain.
"Li Mei, Ursa?"
I opened my mouth to answer as I came back, but then I couldn't breathe. He had me leaning against his chest, one hand in mine, the other on my lower back, his perfect, fair face of an angel recklessly and dangerously close to mine, making me forget both how to breathe and how to make my heart beat. Those smoldering, endless, golder than gold pools of crystal…
His eyes flamed brighter, sparked by smugness and relishing my reaction, before he finally let me go.
She seemed to shut down the second I did, resuming her place in the dance but walling up her heart, trying to turn it to stone in a way she never had. She could never be successful, of course, but the mere attempt was infinitely troubling.
Ursa looked at me without seeing me, her eyes so dull and empty as they tried to suppress her own fire… I didn't know whether to be panicked or infuriated or heartbroken, whether to be blunt or gentle, whether to comfort or rebuke.
Perplexity plagued his brow in a manner that was truly inexpressible, but a few words somehow managed not only to slip—but burst out of his mouth.
"What happened to the girl I knew?"
It was neither an accusation nor a question; it was both.
She grew up.
And she felt it like she hadn't felt anything in months.
"You refuse to let me conform to the roles forced on me, why should I let you?"
I received an Ursa look that held half of its usual spirit.
And thus pained me even more.
I tried to walk away, but he wouldn't let me. Everyone around us danced while we stood and waged war.
"I am not a prince of the Fire Nation. I don't have your independence—"
"Independence?" he repeated out of what was, without question, angry disbelief. "My life is a cage! This palace is a prison, and you know—"
Something in me snapped.
"My life is shame! My very blood forever stains any prospects, any hope I have of freedom! Being the best noblewoman I can be, THAT is the only way—"
"It will cage you."
His gaze, and tone, was softer now but not patronizing. It was Ozai's attempt at reason, a warning that came out of experience and over a decade of friendship.
Ursa didn't blink.
"If all this grief and loss and war has taught me anything, it's that there are some harsh realities I cannot escape any more than my own skin. I'm just trying to pick a burden I can live with, that I can bear without—"
"It will cage you."
"Perhaps so. But it will allow me to choose my cage."
She stormed off well before the song ended. Every other jaw in the room dropped, and even the musicians stopped playing to stare after the only woman to reject the Fire Prince.
I managed to prevent any full-on grinning over her boldness, over proof that her inner fire still blazed regardless of watching eyes and her newfound self-doubt, because of the physical need to bolt after her.
She was drowning.
Ursa had always been a paradox to everyone else, but she always understood herself. Without fail, she knew who she was and never avoided reflections or new revelations…
Until now. Now she was filled with pain and self-contradictions she could not comprehend. Her world had been upturned so many times that even I was steadier than she.
How can I save her when I can't even save myself? How can I be her rock when she is my strength? She's my life. My world. All the support and stability I have…
A flood of noblewomen blocked my path to her, erroneously assuming that I was now in the mood to dance and might deign to choose one of them if they batted their lashes and fanned themselves as hard as they possibly could. Rather than shove my way through, I bended a flame small and slow enough not to harm anyone but warm enough to scatter them.
Ursa had escaped down one of the hallways, but another obstacle, of the worst kind, prevented me in my chase.
Li Mei.
"Fire Prince Ozai!" she exclaimed with a sense of startled delight that seemed rather over-rehearsed, especially given how daintily she blushed and how swiftly and smoothly she switched into a perfect curtsy. "Forgive my appearance," she apologized, and I realized that her neckline was far too plunging to be appropriate at any event with nobles. She must have torn off a fourth of her bodice the second she saw me slip away, eager to flaunt her curves to their best advantage.
A darkened hallway seems appropriate.
"If you forgive my departure," I said only to be trapped yet again.
"I have to admit, I was surprised to see you even speaking to the Avatar's granddaughter after what happened."
My fleeing lady's footsteps echoed, but I allowed Li Mei to get some ridiculous new lie out of her system. They would certainly be new; Li Mei would never waste her best creations on general nobles. She preferred to plant ideas and nagging doubt in the most powerful minds than risk many people disproving the latest whispers.
"I've never seen a girl so heartbroken after Lieutenant Zhao left her, your highness. I told her not to get so… involved with him before the wedding, but you know what they say about men in uniform. And her father! As if the stain of his blood, and the damage Zhao wrecked, hasn't ruined her reputation enough, the fact her father left her with nothing… Poor thing will probably end up like the servants she loves to dress after, if not worse. I've been trying to help her the best I can, but no one who's anyone will deign to speak to a descendent of Roku. They think she's destined to be a traitor too. She, of course, doesn't seem to care, and honestly only seems to be getting worse and worse. I would never call a lady ungrateful, but—"
I could listen no longer.
Especially when one of her fingers tried to play with my goatee.
"Ahhh! Ow, ow, ow…" she whined once I grabbed her by the wrist and twisted her arm back into the most unnatural—and painful—angle possible.
"Interrupt me, Li Mei, and I will snap your arm in half. Hear me and be warned," I hissed in my coldest and cruelest tone, looking directly into her petrified eyes so she knew the levels of delight I had in her discomfort and the disdain I had for her touch. "These rumors stop yesterday. She has shed far too many tears because of you, and I will not allow one more to fall. Lady Ursa is my best friend and has my full protection, unlike you and unlike that nonbending suitor of yours. Or perhaps you'd like him to know that you throw yourself at me every change you get. It's inexpressibly tiresome. This, however, is the important part. Listen well," I growled and let my free hand form a torch. "If you speak about Lady Ursa to anyone ever again, whether for good or ill, lie or truth, I'll personally scald and peel the skins from your bones. As slowly and painfully as possible."
After releasing, I left her to her sobbing.
I made it home before he could reach me.
My nightmare had changed.