Amber Shepard couldn't remember anything when she opened her eyes and tried to sit up on the operating table.
"She's waking up," a woman's voice said, and Amber could see her face hovering above her own, as the woman held her down. The woman's blue eyes met Amber's. "Shepard, it's okay. You're safe. Don't try to move." She turned her head to address the other person in the room. "Give her another dose. Now."
"I told you, it's not working," a male's voice answered from somewhere Amber couldn't see.
"Do it again," the woman responded, and Amber felt another rush of anesthesia flood her veins. Her head tipped back, resting on the metal of the operating table again. Her eyes fell shut, and she returned to unconsciousness, where she began to dream.
As she dreamed, Amber felt as if she was rediscovering herself, as if whatever had happened to her had stolen everything she was and she had to fight to get it all back.
Amber wandered through her dreams, wrestling with her past and groping for the parts of herself she had lost.
She remembered her childhood in the slums and the woman who had claimed to be her mother. Alice had raised her, until that fateful day when she was twelve and Amber's biotic abilities emerged. Alice, who was terrified of anything abnormal or supernatural, abandoned Amber on the street. The memory of how Alice sneered and told Amber that she was never really her mother hurt as much in her dream as it had the moment it happened.
Amber remembered begging on the street for food for nearly three weeks before the Tenth Street Reds took her in. They gave her the nickname Blue for her bright eyes and how her small form would literally glow in bluish energy when she used her biotics.
She remembered her gratitude toward the gang being short-lived, as the leaders forced her to undergo an illegal operation for an L2 implant when she turned sixteen. She remembered the migraines and the mood swings and how much she hated her life.
But Amber also remembered her friends, Victor and Amalia, who joined the Tenth Street Reds a couple months later. The three of them became fast friends, and the gang often sent them on jobs together, as their combined efforts often yielded profitable results for the gang.
Amber remembered them dying in a job gone terribly wrong the same day she turned eighteen. She barely escaped from the alley with her own life, and she ran through the streets, injured and dripping blood on the pavement. She knew that she couldn't go back to the Reds-they would blame her for what had happened-so she kept running, until she collapsed outside of an Alliance Military recruitment center.
She remembered the compassionate woman in the blue uniform who carried her inside and administered first aid for the knife wounds on Amber's arm and abdomen. The woman had been Hannah Shepard, and she spent several hours talking to Amber about her life and making good choices. At first, Amber hadn't wanted to listen, but gradually she found herself taking the advice to heart. When Amber told Hannah she didn't know where to go or what to do, Hannah told her that the Alliance was always looking for talented biotics users to join their ranks. Amber agreed-anything to get her away from the Reds and off Earth-and she enlisted right there. When the recruiter started asking about her background and family name, Amber struggled with her answers. She didn't know who her real family was or what their names were. This was the second time that Hannah Shepard came to her rescue, claiming Amber as her own adopted daughter and allowing her to use "Shepard" on her enlistment forms. Amber would forever be grateful to the woman that saved her from that life.
Amber remembered leaving Earth and joining the Alliance, who welcomed her abilities and trained her in combat. She remembered training and becoming a full-fledged adept. After her first couple missions, she met David Anderson, who became like a mentor and surrogate father to her. Amber would often send video messages to Hannah Shepard and David Anderson, as they were the only two people actively looking out for her well-being.
She remembered being called a hero. Upon her first opportunity for shore leave, Anderson sent her to Elysium, for she had no interest in returning to Earth for her break. However, while touring the local settlements, the colony was attacked by Batarian slavers. In the heat of the moment, Amber ended the video call she was on with Anderson and sprung into action. She remembered doing everything she could to protect the citizens of the colony, refusing to let them fight when the colony's defenses were penetrated by Batarian combatants. She held back the invaders until Alliance reinforcements could arrive, and was later awarded the Star of Terra for her valor and selfless action.
Amber remembered being noticed by Admiral Stephen Hackett after Elysium and being notified that she had been chosen to enlist for an N7 certification. She remembered the training being hard and rigorous, but entirely worth it. As an N7 operative, Amber was able to go more places, help more people. She never refused a call for wherever they wanted to send her. If it meant saving people, she put herself in dangerous situations and she always used extra resources to help more people. When she lost fellow soldiers, she would take time during her shore leave to personally visit their families and convey her condolences. She had a datapad that listed each of their names and how she had lost them. Each time, she vowed to do better by them.
She remembered the call from Anderson, requesting her presence on the SSV Normandy. She would always remember the day Anderson told her that she had been chosen as a candidate for the Spectres-and then it all turned to shit, when they arrived at Eden Prime. She would always regret the loss of Jenkins and Nihlus, but she was grateful for being able to save Kaidan from the Prothean beacon he accidentally activated.
She remembered amassing a team and becoming a Spectre, so that she could chase Saren Arterius across the galaxy. She went to Feros and Noveria and Virmire...
Amber knew Virmire would haunt her forever. She remembered the budding romance that had started to grow between Kaidan and herself, and she felt her sadness and guilt consume her. She hadn't been able to save them both, and Kaidan refused to be selfish and let Amber go back and save him. And so Amber pressed on to where Ashley was fighting Geth and Saren's Krogan with tears in her eyes, Kaidan's final transmission playing over and over in her head.
Shepard, I love you.
Amber remembered that his words often comforted her in her dreams. It had seemed they were a perfect pair-both Alliance soldiers, both biotics, and they both fought hard to protect those they cared about. They even comforted each other during extremely uncomfortable migraines brought on by their L2 implants. Amber wondered if they would be happy, if she had made the other choice. She knew they wouldn't have been. There was no reality in which they would have been okay sacrificing a friend and fellow soldier just so they could be together.
Amber remembered what she thought was going to be a lonely night before the fight on Ilos turn into a solemn celebration with friends. Ashley had come to her cabin and forced her to come up to the main deck of the ship. Joker was still flying, but everyone shared drinks and stories, and Amber found comfort in the solidarity of her friends and crew. They would need every ounce of it, if they were going to face the Reapers.
She remembered the Reaper on Virmire telling them that all hope was lost and that all the organic races should submit. She remembered shouting back at it, telling Sovereign that she would never give up or stop fighting-and she meant it. She would fight until the Reaper threat was eliminated or she was dead.
Shepard, I love you.
Fighting was the only way to give purpose to sacrifices she had made-and it's what Kaidan would have done, too. He would have fought until his very last breath, and that's what he did. His memory was with her when she faced Saren and helped defeat Sovereign at the Citadel. His memory would always be with her.
Amber remembered not hesitating in the slightest when she named Anderson to be the Human Councillor, and then she returned to her ship to continue the fight against the Reapers. But the Citadel Council, who she had sacrificed human lives to save, was actively disregarding the Reapers and the threat they posed. They pretended that Sovereign had been a highly advanced Geth ship, and they ordered Shepard to go to the Terminus Systems to fight them, so they could forget entirely.
Amber felt tension rise in her chest, as she recalled the attack on the Normandy. She wasn't sure what was happening, but she knew the crew needed to be evacuated. She remembered ordering Ashley onto one of the shuttles, as she went to Joker to force him onto one of the shuttles. She remembered the other vessel cutting into her ship as if it were nothing, and she just barely managed to launch Joker's shuttle before the Normandy exploded and she was ejected from the gaping hole in the ship. She remembered the fear setting in, as she realized the odd sound in her helmet was the oxygen leaking out of her suit. She only had a few breaths, before she started choking, her throat and lungs constricting around the lack of air. It was a full minute before bursts started filling her vision. Her hands grasped at her neck, begging for air, and, when she swiftly came to terms with how futile that was, she begged for a quick death. What must have been three minutes more felt like an eternity, and all the while she silently pleaded for relief, knowing that she was going to die there in the darkness of space. She closed her eyes, consigning herself to death, as the tears spilled from the corners of her eyes to wet her face. Just before death claimed her, she heard a voice in the back of her mind.
Shepard, I love you.
...I guess I'll be joining you, Kaidan. She stopped thrashing and her body went still, as she gave in to the cold darkness surrounding her.
It was but a moment, and then Amber heard another voice.
"Shepard, you need to wake up." It was the Australian accent again.
Amber woke slowly, at first, her eyes opening to the white operating room. Then she jerked upright, as everything came flooding back to her. She gasped at the air that readily filled her lungs, but her heart was racing, pounding against her chest like a wild animal inside a cage. She sat on the edge of the operating table, taking in her surroundings and stretching her jaw, which felt swollen and uncomfortable.
"Shepard, do you hear me? Get out of that bed now. This facility is under attack. Shepard, your scars aren't healed yet, but I need you to get moving. This facility is under attack. There's a pistol in the locker, now get moving."
Amber rose from the table and stood on her own two feet. It only took her a moment to collect herself, before she obeyed the orders on the com and went to the locker to retrieve the pistol. She wasn't sure what had happened to her, but she knew she needed to survive, if she wanted any answers.