The rays of the setting sun slipped slowly away into the horizon. Before it vanished completely, it sent the garden into a brief blazon of scintillating fire with the last touches of its fingers. Neither of the two on the couch in the garden noticed it as they stared at each other. April felt as if she was on a swinging pendulum; shock to joy, uncertainty to fear. The latter settled to roost.
No. She wants a child. Why does she want a child now?
"April?"
The uncertain and upset look in Liara's eyes was more than she could take. April stood up and shoved her hands in her trouser pockets. Desiring some space, she moved away to stare out at the garden, wondering how she should answer. The garden lamps flicked on in response to the gathering darkness. If only she could easily turn on a light to her quandary.
Bereft of warmth and the expected response, Liara tried to still the trembling that took hold of her. She waited silently as she watched her bondmate.
"Liara-," April said finally as the night deepened until stars twinkled overhead. She rubbed a hand over her face, half turned to face her bondmate, unable to meet her eyes. "I..it's not a good time."
"I do not understand," Liara said softly as she struggled to stave off the chilly waves converging on her.
"It's just that-," April groped for an answer. A suitable answer. It was hard to pin one down with the turmoil she was feeling. "I think-," she took a deep breath. "We should wait a while longer. I mean, with the current situation-," she trailed off, not certain what situation she should choose and name as the reason.
"Current situation?" Liara echoed. "You mean Thessia?"
"Um..yeah, Thessia."
"April, the recovery of Thessia may take longer than we think and..." The temptation to tell her bondmate what she really thought hovered on Liara's lips but she quashed the desire. April might not see it the way she did.
"It's just that...I'd like things to be more settled." April began to pace restlessly, careful to avoid Liara's gaze, afraid to see the hurt in those eyes. For surely, she must be hurting and disappointed. "At least until...maybe after this current assignment."
Until. Maybe. Was April changing her mind about wanting children? She should have anticipated such a reaction. Deep down, if she didn't believe the world existed around her, why would she accept a steady progression of a reality going in the direction she envisioned when it could be fake? And yet, she could not forsake her resolve to convince April. It was their chance. Her chance to shake April loose of that anchor that kept her struggling for dry land.
"I cannot think of anything more settling than starting a family. Does it not lay the foundation of a new...path?" Liara said pleadingly. "Once your assignment with the ARF (Asari Republics Forces) is over, there may be another mission that could send you elsewhere. It may go on and on..."
It was unlikely she would accept another assignment once the present had seen its course but Liara believed otherwise. April wondered why. "You make it sound as if I won't be returning once I leave," she said lightly.
"Is it not so when you believe you have nothing to return to," Liara muttered under her breath, "when you trust so little of what you see around you."
"What?" April paused in her pacing to stare at her. "Why are you thinking that?" she demanded. "I'm just saying that...we should wait a while until a solid dominance is established on Thessia. That way, we can safely raise a family without worrying over any TI invasion. Isn't that the way to go?"
"At the rate we are going, we may have to wait till you retire." Liara tried not snap at her bondmate as anger, disappointment and fear threatened to break free.
"That's not what I meant, I..." Frustration welled up in April as she struggled to explain. What the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I say yes?
"I have been talking to a counsellor," Liara said abruptly, changing tack so she wouldn't give in to the tears that threatened to break free.
"What?" April blinked at that non sequitur. Counsellor? Was she ill? "Why?" she asked anxiously.
"You were having nightmares after we came here. They are still plaguing you even after five years. It is difficult to talk to you sometimes. We are not at peace. Dad suggested I should talk to someone."
That Aethyta had chosen to interfere did not surprise Liara. How could she not after witnessing the discord between her and April? The fierce arguments they had in the first year after coming to Thessia.
"There's nothing wrong with me," April tried not to snap. Liar.
"April..," Liara pleaded.
All she could see of her bondmate was a dark shadow but the anger and tension from her was palpable. Familiar reactions but much milder now compared to the fermenting fury that exploded readily years ago. At times, April would withdraw from her, from everyone. Her despondency and rejection was a dark heavy barrier that made it difficult to reach through. Months of struggling to cope with these entirely strange and different aspects of her bondmate was extremely draining. At times she wanted to scream and throw something at April.
It came to a point when joining had to halt when April showed no inclination for it. She did not say why or gave any reason for it. Liara could sense the fear. Her bondmate was doubting her reality, doubting herself. Since April refused to seek professional counseling, Aethyta advised her to wait and so she had. Even when Joining was resumed almost a year later, by which April started to return to some semblance of normality, it was not the same. Before, she was able to touch April freely. More so when they shared that moment in London but now, she felt her bondmate was not wholly giving of herself. It hurt to be unable to merge fully, to renew and strengthen the bond.
"Avoiding the issue does not make it go away."
"I have not. I am not," April said tersely, wishing Liara would drop the subject. It was not something she wanted to discuss. "I can tackle any problem."
"This is not a problem you can settle with a weapon or a ship or take a squad with you to hammer it down," Liara said, taking the plunge. They were skirting around it long enough. Far too long. It was time she took up her mettle and shield and forged into battle. For April, for herself. For their future. "Nor can you settle it by trying to shoulder every crisis that comes your way. It does not work that way."
"I'm a marine, it's what I do," came the angry retort.
"Not when you take unnecessary risks!" Taking a deep breath, Liara continued in a calmer tone. "Do you recall that incident outside Toronto?"
"I had to save those soldiers," April tried not to snap, wishing Liara had not brought it up.
It was not the right call to make, nor justified when it endangered more lives. Needlessly so. She could not fathom what she was thinking of after returning to the Normandy. Admiral Hackett did not say much but she knew he was perturbed. So was the crew. No one raised an issue over it but she knew they were disquieted.
"They were already dead. You knew that. You made an irrational and dangerous decision you never would have made."
"I don't want to talk about it."
"Now you are afraid of shouldering anything that calls on you to make any decision that changes lives. April." Liara stood up, moving closer to her, trying to catch her eyes. "Please..."
"There's so much to do." April reined in the urge to rage, not wishing to have Liara on the receiving end. Not when she could feel her unhappiness.
So she sees a counsellor, what does that have to do with me? Nothing to do with me.
"I'm late on my exercises, I'll see you later." With that, she turned and walked off, closing her ears to the call behind her.
She wants children. I do too. That thought swirled round and round as she blindly jogged along the garden path, eyes fogged with memory.
If all this ends tomorrow, what happens to us?
I don't know. Marriage, old age and a lot of little blue children. I want those but is any of this true? It has to be true, isn't it?
She said that then because she believed it. Wanted to believe it. A future for them. So why was she hesitating now? There was no reason she could think of or she would admit to. She shied away from the thought. Her breath clogged. She coughed harshly before she realized her heart rate and respiration were too jagged. An ache twinge in her chest as she thought of Liara's disappointment and unhappiness. She pushed on nevertheless, picking up her pace, striving to drive the confusion from her mind.
If only she could understand this fear that cropped up now and then like wisps of smoke. Like this morning, when matriarch Zelenia spoke of the trainees undergoing arms live fire exercises. There was nothing she could put a finger on to explain it. The burning anger that flared up was disturbing. Both of which dissipated when the discussion turned to the forthcoming strikes against the TI.
Small light globes around the garden lit her path. Pushing away all thoughts of Liara and children, she focused. The conversation at the rotunda was forgotten. Breathing easily, she increased her pace as she ruminated on the proposed plan of preparation. In the coming weeks, she would be planning the deployment of a company at the outskirts of the city. The distribution and performance of inexperience ground forces that large was going to be rough. None of the Asari military units were used to that kind of deployment they were now asked to employ. Would they would be able to coordinate adequately? That was the most important question. Hopefully by the time they went up against the TI, they would operate as well as any Systems Alliance company.
Round and round the garden she ran, passing the rotunda a few times but she did not notice it was empty. By the time she cooled off and returned to the house, her shirt was wet with sweat. Effia said nothing when she walked into the kitchen, eyeing her soaked shirt with slight distaste as she laid out the customary small bowl of light vegetable soup and a glass of water on the table top running along the kitchen counter.
"You do know that no matter how far or how fast you run, whatever you're trying to leave behind isn't going to stop snapping at your heels," she said as she watched April polished off the soup, arms crossed before her as she leaned against the waist high counter top.
"I'm not trying anything," April said as she sipped the glass of water.
"That's the killing truth," Effia sighed. "Shepard, you really need to sit down and talk to that bondmate of yours. Before you say you have-," she pointed a finger at April when she opened her mouth, "I can tell you, you have not. I've known Liara far longer than you do. It's as clear as that empty bowl before you that she's a few shades off colour."
"Is she sick?" Guilt blossomed afresh as April stared down into the bowl, unable to meet Effia's eyes. I should have paid more attention to her.
"Sick? Yes, bond sick."
"Bond sick?" April was confused, not having heard of such an illness.
"Humans," Effia snorted impatiently. "Haven't you read up anything? I'd bet Liara scoured every possible information there is on humans."
"I've never come across any notation on bond sickness," April said defensively, refusing to rise to the bite that she was less keen on Liara than Liara was on her. "Any more than anyone would find anything on Ardat-Yakshi."
"And you wouldn't too." Effia saw the annoyance on April's face and waved her to silence before she could retort. "You do know that we are picky about bondmates, don't you?" She pushed on before April could answer. "Most of us do, the rest don't care enough for it. The bonding is a very personal and significant step because we consciously take a part of the partner we choose within ourselves, to keep, to cherish. Through the bonding, we understand the other via deeper means other than words. As we take, so do we give equally of ourselves. It is a sacred trust between two."
"I already know..," April began to say, not wishing to hear another discourse on bonding, having heard it when she and Liara had their bonding ceremony.
"Then do you know it can wither?" Effia interrupted grimly. "It happens when one or the other begins to hold back during the Joining. The Joining is not just about sex. It's also about renewal of the bond."
"Renewal?" April echoed, frowning in perplexity.
"What happens were I to lock you in a room for two months?" Rapping the table sharply with her knuckles, Effia narrowed her eyes as if to see directly into April. "Out of touch," she supplied before the human could answer. "Anything could happen in those two months. When you come out, you have to acquaint yourself with new developments so you could integrate your understanding, your responses and life with the changes. Refuse to do so, you'll find yourself fumbling in the dark, making life difficult for yourself, making mistakes that could be avoided. Bonding is like that. Each time we do it, we renew, strengthen and enrich that mental link with our partner. Building upon the foundations until it's time to expand. A strong robust bond is like a chain. It can never be broken if the weaving of the strands are strong and enduring. Believe me when I say this, bondmates that do it right literally sing the blues. And you two, are not really doing that right now."
"Singing the blues?" April repeated inanely, wondering if Effia knew that phrase held a different meaning for humans.
"You two, are falling apart!" The sudden slam of Effia's hand on the counter top startled April. "I want the best for Benezia's girl. Right now, she seems short-change. She is suffering. You are too whether you admit or not so stop sitting there on your ass and start working the problem. Otherwise, you will lose her."
Effia snatched up the empty bowl and glass before marching off into the depths of the kitchen.
For a long moment, April sat there, staring at the spot where the bowl used to be before getting up and making her slow way up the stairs to the bedroom. Effia's last words echoing in her mind. Lose Liara? It was an unbearable thought. Her feet froze on the steps as fear assailed her. Taking a deep breath, she forced herself to go on.
No, I can't afford to lose her. I can't. What can I do?
Taking a deep breath, she tapped the control panel of the bedroom door. The room was dimly lit but she could see the huddled hump at one side of the bed. Closing the door behind her, she removed her boots and socks before padding to the bathroom. Shirt, pants and underclothes went into the cleaner. Stepping under the shower, she turned it on.
What should I do?
The hot water cascaded down, relieving a little of the coldness she felt. The question loomed largely before her. Her mind seemed unable to move, frozen. How long she stood there, she had no idea. A blue hand suddenly appeared and reached out to turn off the shower.
"You will catch a cold," Liara said as she draped a thick towel on April.
It was then that April realised she had been standing under the shower for quite some time for the skin on her fingers and feet were wrinkled. Using another towel, Liara began to dry her hair. A pang hit her when she saw that Liara had been crying. It was all her fault. Effia was right, she should stop running. Start dealing with her problem.
"Liara." She reached out to take Liara's hand when she avoided looking at her, stilling her motions. "Make an appointment."
"Appointment?" Liara looked up, hope flaring in her eyes as she tried to tone it down, hardly daring to let it blossom.
"Talking to a counsellor seems like a good start, don't you think?"
"April!"
The flash of joyous smile on Liara's face before she threw her arms around her was a jarring shock to April. How long had it been since she last saw Liara smiling or laughing with such happiness?
I'm sorry love, I've been such a burden. I'll get better. I promise.
I will hold you to that.
The flicker of that answer was a tremendous relief. April felt as if a weight had lifted from her as they shared a kiss.