Her mouth felt dry and rusty. Working to raise some moisture with a sluggish tongue, April opened her eyes. To darkness. Dishearteningly unexceptional. As her eyes adjusted slowly, she could make out the familiar surroundings of the bedroom and an accustomed weight against her side. A smell drifted to her nose which she wrinkled in disgust. Ouch, how was Liara able to tolerate the stink? Plucking at her shirt with distaste, she sat up. Sliding carefully out of bed, she made her way to the bathroom where her alcohol stained shirt and pants were shucked into the cleaner. After rinsing her mouth, she stepped into the shower. Steam clouded the bathroom in billows as she washed away the sweat and alcoholic fumes clinging to her.
Towelling herself dry, she walked back to the bed where Liara slumbered, turned on her side. After running a light finger down her bondmate's smooth cheek, she palmed a switch on the wall behind the bed. The display of ship models that covered the windows vanished, replaced by the night sky of Thessia. Millions of stars and nebulae glittered in glory across the dark expanse. From her vantage, she could pick out the distant lights of the city, twinkling in unison.
Five years it had been. Incredible. Unbelievable. Was it all hallucination? Or was it real? If it was not real, was she so entangled in it that she would never get out? The cruel dreams and memories had plagued her for so long. Could she believe the counsellor that they were not signals her subconscious mind was sending, telling her to break out of the hallucination she was in? That they were symptoms of the stress she suffered through the years? She wasn't sure but she knew how heart breaking it would be, if everything about her was not real. If Liara were not really there with her. Lowering herself to Liara's side, she sat there, looking at her sleep.
It's been too long. Maybe the five years is false too but I have to make a choice. I have to take a step. I have to discard the fear. If this is not real, by taking a step now, I would find my way out. If this is real and I don't do something, I lose everything. Lose Liara. Lose all I believe in. All that I have fought for. How can I bear it? Perhaps I have been foolish. I should savour the time I have with her, that is the Asari way, is it not? They never look to the future when their bondmate would be gone. They cherish the present, every moment with their love ones.
She looked at the night sky again before looking back down at Liara.
I must do the same.
As if feeling the weight of her gaze, Liara stirred before opening her eyes. The smile that lit her eyes was answered equally by April's. The intensity in her bondmate's eyes took her breath away for it reminded her of that night onboard the Normandy, on the Ilos mission.
"You smell better," she said teasingly, reaching to pull at one end of the towel draped around April's shoulders, before her eyes dropped to her bondmate's hand near her as the air between them seemed to build. A taste of something she had once touched before. It took her some time to figure out what it was. She looked up again and her breath caught.
April chuckled. "I figure you'll kick me out of bed sooner or later if I don't do something about it. I do like my beauty sleep."
"How did the training go?" Liara asked, a slight panicky tone in her voice. Was it that time? Was she ready? After all that striving to get April to get on the boat with her, she was suddenly uncertain now that the moment seemed to have arrived.
"How shall I put it?" April pretended to think. "They can't hold a candle to you. You made a better recruit. You follow orders, know how to keep your head up to get shot at, shoot straight, run when you should stay and stay when you should run."
"I am flattered," Liara said in amusement.
While not trained to commando standards, she did know how to handle basic weaponry. When she first joined the Normandy crew, they thought they had a dead weight on their hands until she proved them wrong. For every Asari who chose to develop her biotics, rudimentary ability in arms was de rigueur. As it should it be with the trainees. Introducing a new doctrine was perhaps turning out more difficult than planned. Mass deployment was an alien concept to her people who preferred the fluidity in small squads or playing the lone ruskars.
"Are the recruits so hopeless they drove you to drink?"
"When it comes to recruits, there's no winning any bets, especially against me."
"It seems your colleague does not know that rule," said Liara, unthinkingly running her fingers along April's arm nearest to her.
"How else am I to find a dupe to foot the bill?" April wondered if Liara knew what her touches were doing for her attention was distractingly tuned to those fingers.
"But really, are they that bad?" Liara frowned.
"They're as bad as any Alliance recruits," April said. "That's a compliment by the way. The only thing that's going to undermine them is an impatient CO who thinks reliance on outside resources is beneath her," she snorted, recalling the stiff discussion after the training session.
Nyrine knew what she was up against. The odds facing the trainees but she remained as unyielding and uncooperative when the proposal to allow April to personally train and command some of the trainees was announced. So obdurate was the reception from that quarter that April had to force herself to speak civilly instead of giving rein to her desire to boot the cold stubborn Asari captain out on her ass. It was fortunate matriarch Zelenia had the final word.
"As simple as that?" Liara said uneasily, hand ceasing the stroking as the conversation she had with Telienos that morning came to mind.
"You mean if the CO is part of the movement advocating that the TI are misunderstood and should be saved?" April nodded as she met Liara's startled gaze. "Aethyta said something about extant covert sabotages in TI eradication projects when she knew what I was invited to do two weeks ago. I was going to discuss it with you but she said matriarch Telienos would have a word with you."
"She did, this morning."
"Why did she wait that long?"
"I think she was hoping for positive results to dispel the opposition. Unfortunately nothing has changed. After five years, I do not think we can save any TI," Liara sighed. "Do not think I do not know you are gloating now," she added reprovingly when a flash of triumph flashed through their link. She couldn't blame her bondmate for feeling vindicated. She had often reiterated the Assembly's mandate was a waste of time.
"I didn't say anything," protested April as she stamped down on the involuntary "I told you so" that floated forth in her mind. "I don't gloat. Ow." She pulled her arm away when Liara's fingers emitted a brief biotic flash that stung her a little. "I shouldn't have married a blue mind bending partner," she lamented, looking at her arm.
"Mind bending, am I?" growled Liara, sitting up swiftly to grasp April by her shoulders and pulled her over onto the bed whereupon a playful tussle ensued, with each trying to gain ascendancy over the other. Liara easily undermined April's attempts to wrestle her down with biotics. It was hardly a fair fight in April's opinion.
"All right, all right, I surrender!" April blew strands of hair off her face, lying on her front when Liara pinned her down with her weight.
"Good, now stay still."
"So you could inflict more torture?" April muttered as Liara shifted down to sit on her legs and arched when hands came down on the stiff muscles of her back.
Gritting her teeth, she tried to relax when everything in her shouted. After some time, she sighed and lay back down, hugging the pillow to her as firm hands soothed away the aches. Her bondmate's fingers were positively magic.
"Do you think any of the recruits are conflicted?" Liara asked after a while, without ceasing her ministrations.
"Definitely there are but it's hard to tell under all that youthful enthusiasm rushing at you. Not enough affinity to go on to ferret them out at the moment. The commandos and huntresses are passionate about their vocation. Nyrine's mired in egotism," April muttered lazily. "Sanar's affable but reserved, matriarch Zelenia's the big cheese. Too many variables to pin down anything."
"You will be careful?" Liara said anxiously and yelped when April suddenly twisted around to grasp her by the hips and before she knew it, she was face down among the pillows.
"I can say the same for you. One of your colleagues could easily turn a different colour."
"April.." Liara squirmed when her bondmate emulated her massages along her spine. Given how sensitive her back was, she was soon struggling to control her responses to those hands. "Unfair," she blurted the first thing that came to mind.
"Unfair, how so?" April's breath tickled her crest. "Is it wrong to help my bondmate relax?"
It was pleasuring rather than relaxing. April knew that. It annoyed Liara somewhat for she was trying to decide whether she ought to bring up the problem that plagued April for five years. A topic they nearly came to blows over in the first year. Admittedly, the bedroom was not the ideal place but since her bondmate was in a receptive mood, it was a good opportunity to tackle the subject. However, it was difficult when every nerve was set on fire. Short of having another tussle with April, she chose the next topic that came to mind.
"Tell me about Erial," she said. The hands on her back stilled.
"Erial?" April echoed in surprise and sat back. "Why?"
"You were upset about her." When no answer came, she looked over her shoulder. "April?" she said softly when her bondmate remained silent, staring out the window where the night sky was turning greyish.
"It's..."
The words seemed stuck in her throat. April frowned. Weir's words bounced around her mind. Erial was from a time where all things were simple. In plain black and white. A time when it was easier to believe, easier to trust the people around her. When companions, friends, the world were what they seemed. A time she wanted to return to. To believe whole-heartedly in the world she lived in. The words of the counsellor flashed to her mind.
Your bondmate's effort is equal to your own. It is added to yours if you would let her. Trust, faith, love. If you dare not, there is no going forward. You will forever be mired because you allow fear to control your life.
"Was she not your childhood playmate?" Liara prodded gently.
"I..." April took a deep breath. She had to take the first step. "Yes, she was." It was surprisingly hard to form the words. Inwardly she fought against the inclination to close up. "We...we first met at the creche. I was eight. She was seven. Her parents were posted to the military depot I was at."
"And?" Liara reached out to take her hand.
"And...you know how kids are," April shrugged, forcing herself to think of those times. "Rowdy, up to mischief. Fighting among ourselves with the usual sprinkle of bullies in the pot. The minders tried their best to keep us in line but there were a lot of us," she chuckled as images began to flow.
"Every new comer was supposed to be introduced but she wandered in alone while her parents were talking to the senior staff. The first thing I knew she was there was the shouting going on near the entrance. The local big boss was brow beating her over a toy she picked up. She was very skinny. Big eyes and bones but she was trying to stand up to the bully. So I went over to add my size to hers and the bully added more to his."
"What happened next?"
"Bedlam," April laughed, recalling how she cracked a datapad over the boy's head. That started a free for all. "The minders were furious. We were an utter disgrace to our parents, to the Alliance," she mimicked the pompous tone of the senior staff. "We didn't much care, we had our fun. Erial sort of became my shadow after that. We used to sneak away to explore parts of the base. Being smaller, she was always the first to explore the unknown."
"Fist, toe, head, xplore?" Liara quipped, fascinated by Shepard's account. How different it was from her own childhood.
"That's what she said." April grinned, caught up by the memories. The words flowed more easily. "She thought the fist should be the first to taste the unknown, the better to knock down the bogeyman, then the toe, the better to kick and then the head to bash at. We would be the first brave humans in the Systems Alliance to step forth and face down evil monsters. Well, until she ran into a nest of bugs and developed a phobia about them. Our parents were not pleased, the reports they were getting were not very encouraging. Dad tried to be accommodating but he was a by-the-rules conformer. I was grounded numerous times. Erial often sneaked by to keep me company."
"How long were you together?"
"Almost two years. Dad died and mom took me away." A sigh escaped April. "We cried when we realised we had to part. Imagine that."
"You had a bond with her, is it so surprising?" Liara turned her hand over, absently tracing the lines. "When did you meet again?"
"We kept in contact. She knew I enlisted and did the same after she hit 18. As luck would have it, she was assigned to the same company I was in. We picked up right where we left off. It's as if we never parted. She got herself hitched to a guy she met when we went on one of our vacations."
It all sounded normal to Liara. Why then, was April still grieving?
"April, did you not come to terms with her passing?" she asked hesitantly.
"I did..I.." April drew up her legs and ran her hands through her hair agitatedly. "They ran me through the psych evaluations after Akuze and said I was fine, that I dealt with it...I don't know! Maybe Weir was right, I want to go back where I could believe in the world and people around me."
"April..." Liara grabbed hold of her wrenching hands. "April, link with me."
It was not the wisest thing to do. No Asari would attempt a meld if the other party was not mentally prepared nor in the right frame of mind. The effort in breaking through barriers would sap strength and in worse cases, caused undue stress that could overwhelm both participants. But this was April, her bondmate. Liara would try anything to understand her pain and doubts.
"Trust me," she whispered, when April said nothing, reaching to grasp her face before kissing her.
There was resistance though April's surface thoughts was readily open to her. She did not try to push but instead, explore the most recent memories, aware that April was doing the same with hers, "living" through the events of days past in each other's lives. The difference was that her own memories were infused with emotions whereas April's was more like flipping through a vid. She could not touch the heart of her. She reached for the barrier, feeling her bondmate's withdrawal.
Do you not trust me?
I do. I do trust you but...I'm afraid.
What do you fear?
{quiver} Are you here? Really here?
I am. I am always here, with you. Just as you are with me.
I'm afraid.
Show me your fear.
The dropping of the barrier was sudden. The rush of emotions and images nearly overwhelmed Liara, threatening to carry her along with the flood. Reaching for the foundation she was trained to build and ingrained within, she fought to anchor herself, alarmed to find that she was having trouble reaching it. It was with great relief when she finally hooked in, settled and turned to the flood.
{anguish} I should have died with them. I failed them. {Erial grinning. Young skinny girl with dark hair. A young woman running to hug April. Faces flow by, the thresher maw rearing in the sky, the shuttle console loomed largely, bitter cold eating away within} They were my friends. Why am I alive? {anger and guilt}
What am I? {face in the mirror, cybernetic implants gleaming through half healed incisions} Am I real? Am I alive? What amI? Who am I? {fear} What have they done to me? Am I still human?
{Object Rho, medtable, frightened doctor, Kenson, Harbinger} {fear and doubt} Am I me? {Medbay, Chakwas : Everything checks out fine, Commander} What checks out fine? You can't see into my brain and tell me for certain I'm not warped. You can't tell me they're not listening and watching everything I do.
{the thrum of Reaper presence beat in the air, agony, pain, fires, shattered bodies, broken burning wrecks}
Liara nearly lost control. The pain from the injuries April suffered was so shearing she couldn't believe her bondmate survived it. Digging deeper into her own foundation, she bore it as her own pysche shook from the agony.
Even if I'm the last one, I've to try. I can't fail them {explosions, screams, red beams, husks, shrieking banshees impaling hapless soldiers, brutes, marines falling, never to rise again, mountains of corpses, blood, console, wailing and thunder of the Reapers, bitter cold} Why do I live when the rest are dead? Why am I alive? This is wrong. This is a dream. {Faces of friends and marines who were long gone. Ashley, Kaidan, Mordin, Thane, Legion, Jack, Jacob, Anderson} They're all dead. Why did they have to die? Why am I alive?
This is not a dream.
I failed them.
No, you did not. You cannot save everyone. They knew what was at stake. They went willingly to fight so they could save what they held dear.
Will I wake up now to find you gone? That you are not real? {despairing cry} That they will have their way with me after all.
I am real. Trust me. Trust yourself. Embrace the truth. This is no dream. You are April. You are never one to hide. You have never let yourself down, even when you feel discouraged. You have always been there for us. You put yourself on the line for me. For everyone. All of us follow you because you fight for life, for freedom. We trust you. We love you. I love you. I love you.
"I love you," Liara repeated, feeling the tears on April's face when she broke the meld. "I love you."
She reinforced and injected as much of her feelings into her voice in the light link she maintained, clutching her bondmate to her as she cried. She blinked her own tears away, struggling to maintain her own equilibrium. So much suppressed turmoil. Was it any wonder her bondmate's emotions and behaviour were so erratic? Liara could not fathom how April managed to carry on as she did. The one thing she could attribute it to was her bondmate's iron will. It was a relief to her that she now confirmed her suspicion on what was plaguing her bondmate. Now that April had opened up, it would be easier for them to overcome the problem together.
"Have I been foolish?" April asked tearily, wiping her face with the towel after what seemed like a long bout of weeping. "I can't...I can't believe I just-," she trailed off awkwardly, somewhat unable to accept that she broke down as she did. She could not remember when was the last time she cried. She shuddered, feeling oddly vulnerable.
"April, even the strongest metal can crack." Liara was relieved to find that April's mind had steadied and for the first time in five years, less muddied and open to her. "I am not immune either."
"I saw-," April turned over the memories they had shared, "but that's not why you went to Weia. I'm sorry. You're also struggling. I should have realised I'm not alone in pain and doubts. I'll have to be better to you."
"Silly," Liara admonished gently.
They sat in contemplative silence. "I don't suppose we can take a day off," April said, feeling calmer and turned to look at the thin line of amber along the horizon through the window. Almost dawn. She didn't know if she was ready to face anyone yet. "I think-," she began when Liara kissed her. "Do you..?"
Be quiet.
Words died away when Liara let herself dropped back down on the bed and pulled April over her. Her hands trailed over her bondmate's shoulders, back and along her sides before cupping her breasts and sliding down her flat stomach and farther. Biting back a moan, April paid equal homage to her bondmate's body. Trailing gentle nips and kisses all over, hands caressing, glorifying in the feel of Liara's responses as she writhed against her when she found her sensitive spots.
The nips turned to deep pulls, the soft sounds of her bondmate's rapture ringing in her ears, flashes of pain barely felt when Liara's fingernails dug into her scarred back, increased the pace and strength of their ardor. They were approaching the pinnacle.
Liara began drawing on the store of her body's reserves that every maiden built steadily over the years until they could utilise it for procreation in their second and third cycle. She was a century and more from the matron cycle but she knew her own body; she was old enough and had the means for a unified gestalt.
April.
Yes?
Remember the garden? {goddess, she hoped April would not deny her now}
Yes.. Yes, I do!
Liara triggered the gestalt when they began to merge. Their heartbeats picked up even faster. Each touch doubled the pleasure. Shock riveted them both when a strong biotic field flared. April felt as if every nerve of her entire body was set on fire, head to toe. Every nerve's sensitivity seemed magnified threefold. Her bondmate's response rebounded on her, amplified again. She shuddered uncontrollably when she felt her lover's touch intimately at the very core of her, bring forth a surge of unbearable pleasure.
She bit Liara's neck and never realised she did so before her body arched in response. Every touch and stroke sent a wave of exquisite ecstasy running through them, building to a frisson of frenzied exultation with their minds interwoven more closely than ever, memories, past and present, feelings, self, all fusing into a tower of energy that sent them spiraling. A ray of bright sunlight, heralding a new day, swept into April's eyes before she slumped on Liara. Panting, they did not move for a long time.
Finally, feeling the warmth of the sun on her back, April rolled over. The strange heat in her body was slowly ebbing and cooling in the breeze. She stared at the ceiling. What had just happened?
What the hell was that? {stunned}
A giggle bubbled up from Liara at the shocked amazement from April. She coughed. Her throat felt dry and strained. As if she was screaming at the top of her voice. She probably was. She knew April was suffering the same effect, she could feel it.
You can call it the apex of Joining.
Really? I feel good but drained. Like I've been running for a day. What did you take?
Every little thing that I love about you. {tiredly}
I wish...I could...
I know.
You're tired. Sleep. I love you.
I love you too.