Hello here is chapter 4! Happy reading!
Allodoxaphobia- Fear of opinions
She's running, near breathless, as she tries to be as silent as she can but there's no use; they're still on her trail.
One, two. One, two. One – She silently counts her heartbeat as she tries to catch her breath.
All she can do is run and hope like hell that she doesn't fall – because wouldn't that be great? Never look behind you, they say, but she does it anyway; she looks back. There they are, standing around in the distance like a snake that's ready to strike its prey at any given moment.
Being scared shitless, she begins to run once again. What will happen if they catch up to me? Her thoughts race almost as fast as her heart and legs.
Emily stops, looking closer at the figure that's standing there; doing nothing but watching her every move. All she sees is a dark mass; a tall, slender figure that has the body type of a female. In some odd way, the figure mimics Emily and everything she does; if Emily stops, so does the figure. When she runs, so does the figure.
"What do you want from me?" She desperately tries to call out but the words get stuck in her throat like a thick mud seeping in.
"Leave me alone!" She screams but her words travel nowhere.
Her thoughts begin to race again as she frantically looks around. Is someone crying? Where did the mass go?
She looks down at her hands to see that they're scraped up and bleeding uncontrollably. Ever so lightly, she rubs her face and feels that it's soaked. She hears her own sobs echo around her and back through her ears, though she can't feel anything in her chest anymore.
Admittedly, she's scared to hell and back, but that doesn't stop her from trying to escape. She's not dying here – she refuses to.
Once she has finally caught her breath, she starts running again, only to hear the branches under her feet snap as well as more snapping in the distance. How the hell did she end up in this forest again?
"Stop following me!" She screams through her sobs but, again, there's no use as, this time, it's the strong winds that carry her voice away. Running and running, getting nowhere, she finally falls, landing face first.
"Damn it." She cries out. On instinct, she turns around only to see her follower disappeared once again. Fucking fantastic, she thinks.
She slowly glances down to see her ankle is almost visibly twisted and the pair of jeans she's wearing is sticking to her leg, right below her knee. She reaches down to feel fresh, warm liquid oozing out of a wound that had resulted from her recent fall.
Great – another thing to worry about, she thinks. Looking around again, she doesn't see anyone so she attempts to stand up, yelping in pain as she almost collapses under the pressure of her ankle.
That damn branch, she sneers. New tears are flowing warm and steady down her face but she can't tell the difference between them and the drying blood. As a sudden high-pitched noise erupts from behind her, she turns around quickly and sees her former stalker right in front of her. A scream slips through her lips as the figure from before heads towards her, seeming to have its own agenda now.
I have to move – I have to move now!
Pushing herself forward, Emily swallows her cries of pain as she trudges on. Gradually, she picks up her pace, tripping over brush and torn up roots. The footsteps are getting faster and they're getting closer to her. It's only a matter of seconds before –
A booming sound surrounds her.
"What the hell?" She chokes out, but it's too late; the ground gives way and she's already falling.
Emily shoots straight up in her bed, shivering, breaking out in a cold sweat, and breathless. She feels a heaviness in her lower throat, like a brick has been resting on her chest for hours.
It's the same one again, she thinks and gets frustrated.
She rolls over towards the side of the bed and sits up, letting her head fall into her hands.
"I can't deal with this anymore." She mumbles – but to whom? What is it that she can't deal with? What is sucking all of the life out of her? Why can't she stop having the same damn dream?
An extreme need for water or anything to help her throat hits her senses. She glances at the time to see that it's now nearing nine o'clock in the morning and she's only slept for three hours ever since she last woke up from another terrible nightmare; the same nightmare she's been having for a few days now. At least... they all lead to the same thing: being swallowed by the Earth in one swift motion.
On some days, she wished the Earth would swallow her whole and take her away from all the secrets. Ever since Hanna had unexpectedly walked in on her and Alison making out – and, if she would've arrived a few seconds later, she would've seen more than she anticipated – it's been eating away at the brunette like a dog chewing on a bone except, this time, she's the bone. Although it's been around two weeks since Hanna had found out about the two, they hadn't had a heart to heart about the whole ordeal which scares her due to the fact that Hanna is usually all over this type of situation. Overall, Emily feels like all of the weight of their affair is being put onto her shoulders, but the sad thing is, she doesn't know if she has enough of strength to hold it up on her own – or at all. She wants to talk about it or at least share what she's feeling with someone else, but she doesn't want Alison to think that she's getting tired of her. On the other hand, if she talks to Hanna, she doesn't know what to expect. So, over the span of two weeks, she's kept all of her feelings bottled inside and she doesn't know how much longer she can hold up.
As Emily stares at the wall, her phone chimes, signaling she's received a text from someone. She picks it up to briefly look at the contact name and message:
"Hey, babe. Did you fall asleep on me last night?"
Emily closes her eyes as she sets her phone back on the table, letting out an elongated sigh. She hates being like this towards Alison. Her mother has always told her: if you have a problem, fix it. Never rely on emotional distance, short responses, or letting other outside forces interfere. But how could she fix something so complicated? Alison was complicated, and honestly, their whole relationship was complicated – it always has been. Emily turned on the TV which stood a few feet from her bed and groaned. The first topic to be discussed was ironically titled "Are you suspecting your spouse of cheating?" She grimaced as a commentator read the title in a falsely-informative tone. Almost immediately, she flipped the channel to something a little more relaxing and leaned back into the bed. What was she thinking, getting into this relationship? It's bad – there's no doubt about that – but there's another small, nagging feeling in her stomach. Why couldn't it have been her in the first place? Why didn't Alison marry her? She knew it was a stupid question because she has no place to even think that; she left Alison five years ago. She left Rosewood and cut all possible romantic ties between them, so why does she feel like this? It's not even the fact that she's jealous of Alison and Rollins, but then again, she is. He has the freedom of grabbing Alison's hand in public with no one saying anything. He gets to be the one to lay in bed with her every night, talking until neither one can keep their eyes open much longer.
Emily continues to stare mindlessly at the TV while she stresses more and more.
Does it make her a terrible person for chasing after her first love while they're supposed to be in love with the man that they actually married? She is terrible; she did come between them. They were fine until she came back. She was the main reason why the blonde and Rollins had to go to marriage counseling: because she came back and she couldn't keep to herself. But, really, it wasn't completely her fault either; Alison pursued it just as much as her, but she doesn't seemed fazed by any of it. Alison seems to be holding up just fine.
Emily finally gets out of bed and attempts to make use of the rest of the day. She absolutely hates lying around all day, but she seems to be doing it more than ever now-a-days. As she walks into her apartment's main living space, she feels a familiar urge coming back – one she hasn't felt in a few years and it kills her because, maybe this time, she won't be strong enough to surpass it. Emily backtracks to the hallway and stops in front of the glass cabinet that sits against the wall. There, behind the glass, sits a bottle of tequila that Hanna had bought for her birthday one year after she got back from Mexico. It was stronger than any she's ever had – and she's had some strong drinks. Slowly, she slides the glass door to the side and stares at the bottle, bringing back a flood of memories and struggles. She recalls the uphill battle against herself before actually winning and reaching the top of the mountain. After every internal fight, she's now been clean for a few years and taking a step back would be a big slap in the face. But hasn't she had enough of those in her life that she should be used to it by now? She grabs a small glass that sat beside the bottle and holds it up to her face, eye level. She can almost taste the light-colored liquor on the tip of her tongue. She can smell the strong aroma that she had gotten accustomed to. Her mouth's watering and she craves it; craves feeling that drink slide down her throat and burn while she gets wasted.
It had been only a few days since the funeral she was barely able to attend. Hell, she can hardly remember anything from it aside from the everlasting hangover she had gotten. She sat at the bar in her kitchen, finishing up a bottle of booze she got from Hanna as a "coping mechanism" for the pain. Sad thing is that it's almost gone and she's only had it for a few days. She needed to forget all the pain she's experienced over the past week.
Her father's condition had taken a tragic turn; a fatal turn. He had been diagnosed with an enlarged heart a year before his passing and, over time, he developed hypertension only to bein and out of hospitals constantly. It pained her that she was away at college for the most of it until a few weeks before his death. He had been that told he had heart failure but her mother and him agreed to keep it under wraps for a while, not wanting to worry Emily while she was in the midst of getting her degree. When they finally decided to tell her, she was already expecting shaky news, however it was worse than she imagined. Summer vacation arrived and she took the first plane back to Rosewood as fast as she could. When she made it, she took a cab to the nursing home where he was staying so the nurses could keep a close eye on him. She stayed in town after that, spending time with her parents. One morning, Emily received an important call asking her to go see her father immediately. His heart had been slowing down and the doctors didn't expect him to live through the next few days.
Struggling to cope with her emotions and stress, she turned to the most-available tactic of drowning them with alcohol. At first it wasn't that bad; almost every night, she had a few glasses of wine and it was okay. In the short months after her father passed, it nearly turned into a bottle a day. Her father's death hit her extremely hard. One minute she was at his side as he breathed out his last words before his heart slowed down and came to a stop – the next she was guzzling down booze like it was water. It probably wouldn't have hurt her as bad as it did if she wasn't there with him as he died, or she tends to think that. After an extensive time of struggling with her alcohol abuse, she tried to convince herself it wasn't bad when, in reality, half a bottle of bourbon would barely even affect her. At the time, the only person who knew of her habit was Hanna and she wouldn't have known at all if Emily hadn't been so careless with the empty bottles lying around her apartment – some hidden, some not. It was a number of months before she decided enough was enough. She had woken up one morning, opened a bottle, and threw the cap away. That's when she realized she really needed help, starting with helping herself.
As her eyes flicker between the small glass and bottle, she continues to fight off every voice in her head. She looks back towards the bottle for a moment longer; it's tempting her, almost as if it's chanting her name, begging her to open it and drink. Emily stands there for a few minutes, debating the idea before she slides the door shut and walks away. She's stronger than her old self and she refuses to go back to her old, terrible habits. She feels the constant nagging feeling that keeps eating away at her though. The brunette seriously needed to get a few things off of her chest, but she didn't know what to say or who to talk to. Hanna was there for her, night and day, but she didn't want to hear Hanna's input on anything that had to do with Alison; frankly, she was afraid of Hanna's opinion. Although the two blondes had gotten much closer over the past five years, she still walked on rocks when it came to talking about Alison around Hanna. Deciding that she has to do something in order to get this giant weight off of her chest, she grabs her phone and scrolls through her recent calls until she finds Hanna's name. Here goes nothing, she thinks as she taps the little green phone next to the contact name. She waits. No matter how much she doesn't want to do this, it has to be done. If not, it'll consume her until nothing's left but a hollow shell.
On the fourth ring, the blonde finally answers.
"Hello?" She hears through the small speaker. Emily shakes her head; it's a bad idea she knows it.
"Hey," she answers blankly. She feels bad that she hasn't really spoken to Hanna in a while. They've shared a few short conversations over the phone and, when they texted every now and then, the conversation would end shortly after a few responses were exchanged.
"Wait, who's this?" Hanna asks in an almost-serious tone. Emily rolls her eyes in a silent response. Usually she would laugh at the blonde's jokes, but she just wasn't in the mood for jokes – or anything, for that matter.
"Hanna –"
"Emily? Emily Fields? Is that really you?" Hanna exaggeratedly gasps before continuing. "I can't believe it. The Emily Fields actually called. I'm honored." Emily can practically see the smug look on Hanna's face and all she wants to do is hang up... but she's come this far, right?
"Hanna, I need to talk to you. It's important." Emily stated in a monotonous tone.
"Awe, I feel so special. What's the occasion?" Hanna continued to joke. Of course, this phone call was a bad idea from the start. Emily sighed. Knowing Hanna, she wouldn't let up for a while.
Emily swallowed hard before speaking again.
"I'm serious. I need to talk to you." Emily responded in a dull voice, hoping the blonde wouldn't come up with another snide remark.
"Wait, what's wrong?" The blonde immediately takes notice to Emily's distant tone and starts to really listen. Emily doesn't even realize that tears are welling up in her eyes until they start to fall, slowly treading down her hollow cheeks as she tries not to fully give in. She refuses to let herself be this weak, but she can't do it; she can't stop it. Not even bothering to wipe the tears away from her face, Emily breaks and, God, does she hate it.
She attempts to explain why she initially called but, due to her sobbing, she doubts Hanna will be able to understand anything other than "I need you," which already says it all, and Emily thinks she can almost hear Hanna getting her bag before the words even fully leave her mouth.
"I'm on my way." Hanna states firmly and Emily internally smiles, already imagining her best friend burning rubber, trying to get to her apartment as fast as humanly – and legally – possible.
XXX
Emily's pacing around her living room, trying to think of something – anything – but Alison. It's no use though; she can't get her out of her damn head and she swears that Alison will be the death of her; she's sure of it. All of a sudden, the front door slams open and in rushes Hanna. Emily, too caught up in her thoughts to say anything, looks at the blonde as she drops her purse immediately and rushes to embrace Emily in the tightest hug. After a few seconds, Emily's mind registers the hug so she reciprocates the warm gesture and, a few moments later, starts crying again.
Pulling away, Hanna looks Emily in the eyes with her hands on the brunette's shoulders before asking, "What the hell happened, Em?"
Emily took a deep breath before backtracking over to the couch, taking a seat, but standing back up almost immediately. Hanna watched her closely with a pained look on her face, taking note of how upset Emily is and remembering how she's only seen the brunette in this state once before and Hanna prayed she'd never see it again.
"Where do I even begin?" Emily laughed darkly, still trying to wipe her face free of tears.
"At the beginning. Tell me everything." Hanna replies before adding, "I'm not going anywhere." She lays a reassuring hand on Emily's arm and guides her over to sit back on the couch. In response, Emily sighs in slight content and timidly sits down.
XXX
"It all started when I came back." She starts off quietly.
"You mean... it all started when you saw Alison again?" Hanna softly suggested and Emily nodded before continuing.
"I thought when I left Rosewood... it would be for the best." She paused deliberately. "I wouldn't have to face everybody I've let down throughout the years and be reminded daily of the mistakes I've made." Emily smiled sadly and fiddled with her fingers. Hanna's eyes wandered to Emily's fingers but she didn't stop listening; not for even a second.
"But, when I moved, I felt like I had left behind a part of me that I should have held onto. Something I should have fought harder for... but I didn't." Emily looked up at Hanna before quickly looking back down towards her hands and continued, "I was scared to say something. Anything, actually. I thought that there was absolutely nothing left between me and Ali, but I was wrong." She looked towards the ceiling and took a deep breath. "God was I so wrong." Emily gently scoffed. There was nothing Hanna could say or do but she could lend an ear or a shoulder to cry on for her best friend and that's what she intended on doing. Always.
"The first few months in LA were hell for me. I was getting accustomed to a new life and I was steadily trying to push my past further and further behind me but it never worked. Ali was always right there in the back of my mind, day and night." Emily laughed wryly while shaking her head.
She stopped speaking for a moment before continuing, "I even started dating Paige again shortly after moving there. I thought that maybe I could have something decent in my life again... but with something I was already familiar with." Emily shifted and looked at her feet.
"I basically used Paige as a crutch to help me through school. I was horrible to her." Emily grimaced. "We'd be having fun at dinner while my mind was somewhere else. Well, on someone else."
"Em, that doesn't make you a bad person. You needed someone to be there for you and Paige was the only one around." Hanna laid a reassuring hand near the brunette's knee.
"I was a bad person, though. I still am. It just took me a while to figure that out. Or maybe I always knew. I don't know..." Emily finished quietly. She pursed her lips and forcefully shut her eyes. She felt a strong urge to stop talking and simply cry, but she refused to; she needed to let this out.
"Em, listen to me. You are not a bad person." The blonde stressed every word. "I know that and you know that." She added a slight bite to her comment.
"I am, Hanna. I am." Emily stated and her gaze got lost in the distance.
"You're not." Hanna replied softly. "I promise," she spoke as she rubbed her thumb against Emily's knee.
"I kissed another girl while I was dating Paige. She never found out... even after we broke up." Emily took another deep breath. This conversation was beginning to drain her even more, but it had to be let out. "After Paige, there were girls flowing in and out of my dorm room all week long, but none of them ever amounted to –"
"– Alison, because you're still in love with her." Hanna solemnly finished for her. After she spoke, Emily looked up at her with the saddest look she thought she'd ever seen the brunette give off.
"Sadly," Emily confirmed. "Ever since I've come back from LA, my mind had been on her nonstop. I thought that type of thing only happened to people in the movies. For effect, you know? But, really, it doesn't. It's a real thing." The brunette sadly explains.
"So... what made you and Alison fall back together then?" Hanna asks, not knowing her friend was suffering this much.
Emily laughed, "Actually, we didn't talk at all when I came back to town. I tried to avoid her as best as I could which seemed to work at first, but after a while, it didn't do any good. I saw her almost everywhere I went and then I'd go home thinking about her." She sighed as a tear started down her cheek, "I'm pathetic right?"
"No," Hanna answered with a slightly shaky voice. "You're the opposite of pathetic, Em. Most people would've given up on her if they were you. You have to realize that," she finished while looking Emily in the eyes. "Why did you avoid her? Because of Rollins? Or because she's married to him?" Hanna asked.
Emily shrugged, "A little bit of both, I guess. I came back expecting her to be single, which as far as I knew, she was. That is… until you told me that she was married which she didn't even have the audacity to do," her tone finished with a bite.
Hanna smiled sadly. "It was best if I told you and not her, Em. I know how protective you are over her and, if she had told you at the time, I don't think you'd be where you are today," Hanna remarked with another small smile. When did she get so insightful, Emily thought.
"I know..." Emily paused. "I don't know if I've ever told you how thankful I am that you were the one who told me."
"Nope, but you're welcome. Now, please continue the story." Hanna eagerly added with a wave of her hand.
"After a while, I decided there was no use in avoiding her. She was there, I was there. So, I took it upon myself to be more courteous towards her. If he was really what she wanted, then fine, that's her decision and I can't change that." Emily sighed.
"If he was her happiness," Emily paused, her voice shaking severely, "then I'm happy for her. Or so I thought." The brunette felt another tear make its way down her cheek.
"It didn't really hit me until I actually saw them together and... they looked so happy." She began to grit her teeth before shaking her head and speaking again.
"I felt pathetic. There I was... twenty two, single, and still trying to find myself while she was married to the love of her life." Emily rubbed the palms of her hands anxiously against her thighs.
"But look at where you are today, Em! You two have made it so far and this is only the beginning," Hanna attempted to cheer the brunette up. Emily smiled but it didn't quite reach her eyes, which the blonde noticed.
"I know we've made progress, but I feel like every time we take one step forward, I get knocked down on my ass." Emily pulled her bottom lip into her mouth, lightly biting down to stop it from quivering.
"What is it that you really want from her, Em?" Hanna cautiously asked; she didn't want to upset her friend any more than she currently was but she had to ask.
"I want her to be mine. I know that's selfish... but I want all of her. I need all of her." Emily looked Hanna in the eyes. It was the truth. Not a day went by that she didn't want Alison DiLaurentis by her side at all times but it felt like she was being restrained from just the mere thought of it all. Hanna quirked an eyebrow at the response; she wasn't expecting Emily's words. She knew Emily loved Alison, but although the love was repairing her, it was destroying her all the same.
"Look, Em, I know you love her and you want to be with her, but you have to remember... she married him," Hanna acknowledged. Meanwhile, Emily felt her heart sink. She knows Alison is married and she's known all along, but hearing the words come from someone else felt like her heart was snatched straight out of her chest.
Before she was about to break down, Hanna continued, "I'm not saying she doesn't love you, Emily. I know she does. And, as much as I used to want nothing to do with her after everything, I'm glad she loves you. You deserve love. It's just unfortunate that these are the circumstances."
"I know, Hanna. I know." Emily muttered, suddenly feeling a pair of arms wrap around her torso.
"It'll get better, Em. I promise it will," Hanna assured, gliding her hand up and down Emily's back in an attempt to soothe the broken brunette.
Emily began to cry hard, which Hanna wasn't exactly expecting. "It's just hard to love someone back when you can't tell if you're falling in or out of love with them." Emily sniffled, pulling away from Hanna and rubbing her eyes free of tears. The blonde looked at her friend sympathetically, a pang of hurt fluttering through her chest as she just realized how torn apart Emily is. Emily abruptly stood up, needing to occupy herself as she couldn't sit around and think about the situation more than she already has. Hanna watched as Emily slowly paced around the room, her thoughts clearly driving her crazy.
"I need some time away," Emily suddenly declared, catching Hanna off guard. "Whether it be a day or a week. I just– I need to get away from here." Emily rambles as she continues to pace. Hanna feels deeply for the brunette; before, she thought that a shoulder to cry on would be enough, but she now realizes that Emily needs much deeper mending. She simply settles on giving the brunette a hug that will – hopefully – get her point across to Emily, vowing to support her friend in any way she can.
"I'll let Spence and Aria know," Hanna quietly states as she hugs Emily tighter than ever before, not knowing how long her best friend will be away for. Emily relaxes into the embrace as she hugs Hanna back.
They both eventually pull away, only to have Emily softly grab for Hanna's hand and, as she does so, she lightly smiles and says, "Thanks for being there for me, Han."
"Please, I'll be here for you no matter what. Even if it's girl trouble or you're burning up with an actual fever." Hanna genuinely smiled at the brunette who reciprocated the gesture before staring at her feet.
"I'll leave you to pack. Let me know when you make it to your destination so I know you're okay." Hanna let go of Emily's hand and made her way over to the front door where she paused before exiting.
"Remember what I said while you're gone. She loves you." Hanna flashed a small smile before turning the doorknob and exiting the apartment. Emily takes a moment to collect herself as she stands up and heads to the kitchen bar. She grabs her phone off of the surface and types out a quick message to her clients that she'll be away for personal reasons and won't be back for a week.
After sending a few texts, she heads into her bedroom and fumbles around in the closet until she finds an overnight bag; a particular bag that had been given to her by her mother a few years back. She pulls the bag out of her closet and sits it on the bed, examining it before beginning to pack. "FIELDS" is engraved in the silver plate that is attached to the camouflage pattern. Her fingers gently trace over the letters, almost as if she's trying to recollect every moment she's ever had. She wonders what her father would tell her about the whole situation she's in; would he tell her to go for it or leave it be? Whatever makes his daughter happy, right? Emily shakes her head to rid herself of these thoughts; this is the last thing she should be thinking about. She heads back into her closet and grabs a few hoodies and sweatpants along with other personal items and the essentials. Once she's packed what she needs, Emily walks over to her bed to begin folding the rest of her clothes to pack them for her trip to Texas; she's wanted to visit her mother for a while and now seems like the best time. When she finishes packing what she needs, Emily fastens the bag over her shoulder and starts to head out of the room, but she stops in front of the mirror. Turning around and facing her reflection, she eyes herself in the glass as if she's having an internal battle with who she really is: the person in the mirror or the person the person she wants to be. She takes her appearance in: slightly disheveled hair, visibly dark bags underneath her eyes, and somewhat paled skin. Her natural glow was replaced with physical stress and she wasn't the bright Emily that everyone knew and loved. People must think I'm sick, she thought. Clearing her throat and backing away from the mirror, she walked out of her bedroom and through the front door where she took one last glance at her apartment – or cage, as of late – before turning and shutting the door completely. Although a one way ticket to Texas was a little pricey, she needed this.
Sooo how'd you guys like this update? Let us know in the reviews! Thanks to everyone for the kind comments, we really do appreciate them.
Also, some questions for you guys:
Alison and Emily's relationship, do you like how they're going about this?
What are you expecting next chapter?
When the hell is Emison gonna get it together? *insert clapping emoji in between the words*
Who else loves the tight bond between Hanna and Emily?
Annnnd who's ready for the finale next week? I know I am but I'm not (lol), because even though we tend to be hella salty about PLL, I can't deal with the hiatus. But thanks to all the lovely writers out here, we have fanfics :)
Anyway I hope y'all enjoyed this as much as we did writing it.