THIS IS A PRETTY EMOTIONAL CHAPTER. PLEASE DON'T HATE ME FOR IT..

Gideon's POV

Gideon wondered what she was doing right now.

Was she sleeping? Was she reading? What she...thinking of him? Probably not. He knew he screwed things up with her, but he wanted to make it all better.

Things did seem to be getting back to the way they were between them. Gideon still couldn't help smiling when he thought about the cake she baked him. She actually spent time with him and they talked and laughed. Not once did he try anything sexual with her, even if he really wanted to.

She was so special to him and he wanted her to be happy. He didn't think Ruin could make her happy, but that may only be the jealousy talking.

[Y/N] seemed to like Ruin so much and Gideon just couldn't understand why.

That's enough, stop worrying about that man..focus on what you really want...her.

Gideon falls asleep thinking of her, as always.

EARLY MORNING

He wakes up from a dreamless sleep around 5:30 and decides to get up and go for a run. As he walks out of the building, he runs into Ruin who looks like he was just getting in from a wild night. He looks as if he was almost in a trance, a very good trance.

Ruin finally looks at Gideon and his smile fades a bit. He nods, "Captain," and gives him one of his arrogant smiles. Gideon only nods in return, he will never like that man though he was curious about where he was coming from at this time. Stop worrying about him, Gideon, think about [y/n], she's your motivation.

Gideon smiles and starts running. He loves running at this time, no one out here to bother him and this was his quiet time, his time to think.

He runs a few miles then heads back to take a shower. He wanted to see [y/n], she'd probably be at breakfast.

By the time Gideon got to the mess hall, [y/n] was there with Mitchell and Ilona. Mitchell was eating and she was in deep conversation with Ilona as he approached the table. When she looked up and saw him, she froze.

"Good morning, [y/n]," Gideon says.

"Good morning, Captain...Gideon."

Why does she seem so nervous?

Gideon says good morning to everyone else and sits across from her. She hardly makes eye contact with him, something was wrong. Her head pops up suddenly, looking in the direction of the door. Ruin.

Ruin gets his food and walks over to the table, his eyes on her the entire time. He sits next to her and she looks at him, blushing fiercely.

Gideon has no idea what the hell was going on, but he was going to figure it out.

Your POV

Breakfast was ridiculously awkward.

You tried to act as normal as possible, but Ruin was making that almost impossible. Gideon kept his eyes on you the whole time. You needed to get out of there fast. It felt like everyone was judging you.

You stand and leave without saying anything to anyone. It's pouring rain.

Before anyone can follow, you run back to your room. Ilona would definitely be calling or texting you soon, but hopefully no one will show up at your door.

Your phone buzzes and its a text from Ruin. R u ok? You answer yes then silence your phone.

Last night was amazing, spectacular, but this morning messed you up, especially when you saw Gideon. You felt guilty for some reason. Ilona would probably say that you shouldn't, but she wasn't going through this.

There is a knock on your door and you assume its Ilona coming to check on you. "Ilona, I really don't..." you say as you open the door, but stop mid-sentence when you realize it's not Ilona.

Gideon.

Shit.

He's soaked from the rain, his hair flat against his head, water dripping down his face like tears. "Gideon?" You're not sure what else to say.

"Expecting someone else?" He says, emotionless.

"I thought you were Ilona, sorry," you say with a small smile. "Would you like to..."

"How many times?" Gideon cuts you off.

"What?"

"How. Many. Times?"

Your heart drops. You know exactly what he means, but you don't want to believe it. "How many times what?"

"Don't play stupid now! How many times did you fuck him?!" He says it loud enough for the people walking by to hear and you want to run and hide.

"Maybe we should talk about this inside..."

"No. How many times?" Gideon asks again, his voice cracking. You look down, unable to look at the hurt in his eyes. "Once," you say quietly.

He nods. "I see. Do you love him?"

"Gideon, I..."

"Just answer the question," he says sadly.

"No, I don't love him." You feel a tightness in your chest and your vision becomes blurry.

"Is this your way of punishing me for waiting so long to tell you how I feel about you?" he asks. You shake your head. "No, of course not."

"Then what is it? How could you?" Gideon's looks at you and you want to beg for forgiveness. You were sure that the water rolling down his cheeks now wasn't just from the rain.

"I don't know, Gideon. I don't have a reason. If you hate me, fine, but I don't have a reason for you." One tear falls from your eye. Gideon gives you a small, sad laugh. "Hate you? I could never hate you, even after this and that kills me. You could do whatever you wanted to me and I would still love you...fuck me."

You try to take his hand in yours, but he pulls away. "I'm sorry, Gideon," you say sadly.

"Yeah, me too," he says before walking away.

You watch him walk down the hall and disappear around the corner before closing the door. Leaning against the door, you fall to your knees slowly and cry.

What have I done?

A MONTH OR SO LATER

Gideon's POV

Over the last few weeks, Gideon avoided [y/n] and Ruin as much as possible. He took separate assignments and missions and paid no attention to the whispers about why [y/n] wasn't with him. He had even stopped dreaming of her, going as far as sleeping with some random woman while on assignment. Now that he thought about it, that woman look a little too much like...no, none of that.

Gideon was slowly getting her out of his system, he needed to for his own good.

He was on his way to meet with Irons, he needed to focus.

When he walks into Irons' office, he automatically feels that something is wrong.

"Captain Gideon," Irons says as a greeting.

"Sir," Gideon nods slightly.

"I wanted to see if you know anything about [y/n] wanting to be reassigned."

"No, sir I can't say I do." He knew damn well why she was doing it, but that was too personal.

"She's one of our best. Letting her go would be a huge loss. What do you think, Captain?" Irons looks right at him and it makes him nervous. Is that how people felt when he looked at them?

"Well, sir, since I really don't know the reason behind her request, I'm not sure what to think. Maybe its personal." Gideon really didn't want to be having this conversation right now.

"Maybe," Irons says, "But I noticed that on the last few missions she hasn't been with you and she usually goes everywhere with you..."

Gideon shrugs. "I guess she wanted to do her own thing. Sometimes you get tired of living in someone else's shadow."

Irons looks at Gideon for a long time before dismissing him. He knew Irons wasn't going to let this go. [Y/N] was a damn good soldier and losing her would mean having to find a replacement and Gideon loathed training new recruits.

Maybe he could get Mitchell or Ilona to talk to her, he sure as hell wasn't going to do it. He wasn't going to make himself look desperate. He doesn't need her. Yes you do. No...he didn't.

Gideon asked Mitchell to talk to her first, but he couldn't find her. "She's not answering her phone and when I went to her room, she wasn't there..or maybe she just didn't want to answer the door. I'm not sure there's much I can say to change her mind anyway, Gideon. You know how stubborn she is. Besides, if this is what makes her happy, I won't stop her," Mitchell says.

"Right," is the only thing Gideon could say. When he asked Ilona if she had seen [y/n] she shook her head without saying a word and stormed off.

She's probably with Ruin Gideon thought, but then he sees Ruin walking towards him alone. They look at each other without saying a word, its best that way.

Where could she be? Gideon headed in the direction of the barracks without thinking and is in front of her door before he knows it. What am I doing? He knocks.

She takes a long time, but the door finally opens a crack so only half her face is showing. She looks sad and tired, her eyes red and puffy. "Yes Gideon?" She sniffles quietly.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, just packing." Her voice cracks on the last word.

Just let her pack. Just go. "May I come in?" Gideon asks.

"I guess." She walks away from the door, leaving it open for him. He walks in and closes the door behind him, looking around.

She's sitting on her bed looking down at her hands. "So..." Gideon says for lack of anything else to say. [Y/N] looks up at him, eyes full of tears and a small, unconvincing smile on her face. "So." She stands and starts moving her bags closer to the door.

"Stop," Gideon says but she ignores him. "[Y/N]...stop..." he says again, still getting no response. "For fucks sake, STOP!" Gideon shouts, his hands shaking.

Still facing the door, she drops the bag she was holding and begins to sob. He wants to comfort her, wants to hold her, but he can't allow himself to do that.

"I've already made up my mind, Gideon," she says.

"I...Irons doesn't want to lose you..." Gideon corrects himself quickly.

"He'll get over it. There are plenty of people out there willing and able to take my place."

Fuck it. "No one wants to lose you, [y/n]...including me."

She turns to him, eyes still full of tears yet still able to look absolutely beautiful. "You?"

Gideon nods, "Yeah, me."

One tear rolls down her cheek and he wants to wipe it away, but she does it before he can. Please, he thinks, but she shakes her head. "I'll miss everyone more than you know, but I have to do this. I don't want to cause any more trouble than I already have. This is for the best."

More tears spill from her eyes and this time Gideon moves in to wipe them away. He holds her face in his hands, worried that his rough, calloused hands felt horrible against her beautiful, smooth face. He should move away but he doesn't.

"Please, Gideon...don't make this harder than it already is," she begs.

"You belong here, damn it. You can't go." He kisses her, her tears wetting his face. She pulls away, taking his hands in hers, "I'm sorry." She takes a step back and lowers her head.

Gideon sighs, wanting to reach out and grab her. "Wherever you go, no matter what happens, just remember that I love you."

[Y/N] doesn't say a thing and Gideon knows he should leave though he doesn't want to.

He leaves her room feeling defeated. He knew that he had lost her for good.

What Gideon didn't know was that she whispered, "I love you, too" after he had left...

...and he would probably never know.