NOTE: Wow...I'm so sorry about the serious wait on this chapter. This month has been crazy busy. I hope you haven't given up on me. ;)

Chapter Forty-six

Sitting at the kitchen table Peter waited for Neal to explain his last comment further, but it quickly became obvious that metaphysical wounds that he was licking were still too fresh to easily talk about. No one understood not wanting to talk about the past better than Peter. Although he found that he did feel better now that he had shared some of his story with Neal. Elizabeth had tried initially to ask him about his life, she had pointed out how powerful a tool silence could be for an organization like the Market. Peter had agreed, but he had still found himself unable to break that particular silence with her beyond short vague answers. He had always feared that his time with her was going to be short, he didn't want to taint it by talking about the dark past. Such conversations may have made him feel better, but he knew they'd just make her feel worse.

Not continuing the conversation Neal just stared at the table without looking up. Neal had mentioned having returned to New York for a woman to Peter when they had first properly shared a meal together a few weeks back. He had fallen into a morose silence then as well. At the time Peter had assumed that it hadn't worked out and she had left him given his word choice of things ending badly for them both. Watching Neal lost in thought now and knowing him a little better Peter was getting a sinking feeling that whoever she was she hadn't simply walked away.

Peter was just about to ask Neal if he was okay when Neal suddenly got to his feet. With the tension of their recent conversation still fresh Peter's conditioning forced him forward to stand as well. Neal held his hand up and shook his head to remind Peter that the being on his feet rule no longer applied. Peter was frustrated by how instinctive his reactions were, even with Elizabeth it had taken nearly a year before he didn't automatically physically snap to attention every time she made a sudden movement. Forcing himself to relax Peter sat back and drained what was left of his beer before idly playing with the bottle in his hands. He kept a casual eye on Neal as he walked over to the wall next to the book shelf.

Neal reached out and pulled on the photo of the Brooklyn Bridge revealing that was actually set into the wall on hinges to hide a small wall safe. Peter had seen the trick before and he wasn't surprised that Neal had one. Punching a complicated code into the keypad Neal opened the door. He hadn't bothered stepping in front of the keypad to block Peter's view and as a result Peter had easily memorized the number. From his vantage point Peter spotted several stacks of cash, multiple passports that had various front cover colors, and a few black jewelry boxes. Ignoring the rainy day stash Neal reached to the back of the safe and pulled something out that looked like it was made of gold.

With his prize in hand Neal turned to walk back over to Peter. The fact that he didn't bother to close the safe told Peter that the only thing he really cared about inside of it was currently out of it. Neal sat down and studied the golden object for a moment. It was a detailed statue of a cherub with a metal rod protruding from the base, the whole piece was about as long as Neal's palm was wide. Neal sighed quietly before finally looking up at Peter with a sad smile.

"I keep expecting you to share your past with me when I haven't really told you anything about mine." Neal broke the silence as he handed over the small golden cherub.

"What is it?" Peter said as he took a closer look.

"It's a broken piece off a music box." Neal said as if that explained everything. "It came from an amber music box that supposedly is one of the few surviving pieces from when the Amber Room in the Catherine Palace in Tsarskoye Selo Russian was looted in World War II."

Peter turned the tiny statue over in his hands as he tried to figure out how the gold trinket fit into Neal's past.

"The woman I loved was murdered because of it." Neal added quietly.

"What?" Peter asked shocked as he looked up at Neal. "Why?"

"I have no idea." Neal reached out and took the golden piece back and turned his over in his hands a few times. "On its own this piece is really only worth its weight in gold, even reunited with the box it would only slightly enhance the price of an already pricey piece of art history…but I don't know why it was worth murdering over."

"Where is the music box?"

"I don't know that either." Neal said with a edge of frustration. "She always had an odd obsession over the music box. In fact I eventually learned that she had thought I had the box long before we met."

"So your meeting wasn't an accident?"

Peter could tell answer to his question the instant he asked it and it had struck a nerve. An angry bitterness had flashed across Neal's features before it was replaced by an unfocused look of regret. For a skilled con artist Neal tended to wear his heart on his sleeve when he was 'Neal Caffrey' and not 'Nick Halden'. Whatever their relationship had been Peter suspected that it had started with a lie, and had probably been destroyed by it in the end. Staring at the golden trinket Neal's eyes brightened with unshed tears. Swallowing hard he got back up again, Peter managed to stay still but only because he had sensed that Neal was about to pull away.

Walking back over to the open safe Neal carefully put the cherub back in its place in the dark. Covering the wall safe with the photo once more Neal went over to the fridge and pulled out another two bottles of beer. Peter's head was already a little light from the first one he'd just finished but he accepted the offer of another one anyway. Sitting back down Neal sipped at his beer, mostly disinterested in it. Peter was nearly half way through the second beer despite drinking slowly when Neal spoke again.

"I was angry with her the last time she stepped out that door," Neal admitted "but I never imagined it was going to be the last time I'd ever see her. I never even get a chance to accept her apology or offer one of my own."

"I'm sorry. What was her name?"

"…Kate."

The way Neal hesitated to say her name out loud gave Peter a better sense of how deep Neal's wounds were. When Neal had first demanded to know who the scar underlined code in his arm belonged to Peter had hesitated to answer as well even though the name would have meant nothing to Neal at the time. There was just something about sharing a lost loved one's name that brought back the pain. A heavy silence feel over the pair as Neal went back to nursing his beer and become lost in dark thoughts. Peter sipped at his own drink again for a while while as he waited for Neal to speak again. After a few minutes he decided that Neal wasn't going to continue. An expression that Peter hadn't seen on him before had settled across his face. It took a moment for Peter to realize that what he was looking at was guilt. True or not Neal blamed himself for Kate's fate.

"You're not ready to talk about this yet, are you?" Peter asked sympathetically.

"No, I'm really not." Neal admitted quietly. "Not that I've ever had anyone to talk to about her. Mozzie never trusted her."

"So it's not just me he doesn't trust?" Peter asked with a hint of a smile.

"Not by a long shot." Neal shook his head ruefully.

"But you trusted her?"

"I loved her…trust was an unfortunate side effect."

"Unfortunate?"

Peter furrowed his brow as Neal suddenly leaned back in his chair and pulled up on his shirt. Neal raised the shirt high enough to expose his lower ribs on his left side. Peter's breath hissed across his teeth at the sight of two star starburst shaped scar Neal had revealed one over his ribs the other slightly lower on his abdomen.

"There's a matching set in the back." Neal commented.

"Gun shots?"

"9mm." Neal confirmed. "I trusted the man who did this. I was working a job with him and another guy and I thought I had left my passport behind, before I could even check Keller shot me twice and left me to die. I trusted my father, only to learn he was a dirty cop whose actions left my mother and I on the run. I trust Mozzie…but as good a friend as he is he has stolen from me multiple times. If I had learned my lesson and hadn't blindly trusted Kate as much as I did I might not have been so hurt when I learned she had lied to me at the start, I might have stopped and listened when she tried to explain rather than just push her away."

"Neal, you can't blame yourself for being hurt by a lie. You can't love someone and not trust them. Loving someone means going all in."

"Always a dangerous move." Neal managed a slight smile.

"But it can also be very rewarding." Peter added. "I…uh…I probably wouldn't be here without that particular play."

"Is that how I won the the card game at Cheng's? Going all in?"

"On a bluff."

"Wow, I wish I remembered that. Sounds like a good game."

"It was terrifying. Cheng folded and it was right then that I knew I must be his entry and that he wanted me gone. I could see from where I was standing that he had a very strong hand and he doesn't back down easily. There were still two other players in the game at that point and if either of them had called your bluff…well, I honestly don't even want to think about what might have happened to me."

"Lucky for us both I'm one of the best bluffers in the biz."

"Even though no one called you still threw your worthless hand on the table for everyone to see after you won." Peter continued. "I thought you had at least something. Even Cheng was surprised that you didn't even have a pair. We all thought you were too drunk to bluff."

"I was too drunk not to." Neal corrected. "It's my default setting."

Peter shook his head sadly, but he still smiled at the memory of the scene that hadn't been even in the slightest bit amusing to him when it was happening. Neal smiled as well, but it didn't last long. Looking contemplative for a moment Neal put his drink to the side before looking up at Peter and making a point of making eye contact.

"Thank you, Peter. You're right I shouldn't regret trusting her even if it was misplaced." Neal sighed quietly. "I do cherish that time I had with Kate, although I wish I had a second chance with her to make things right."

Peter's heart raced painfully at the sorrow in Neal's voice considering he was stalling on his own opportunity at seeing his own lost love again. Peter knew he had mentioned Elizabeth to him several times, but he also knew that even in the depths of delirium he wouldn't have divulged any real details. Neal continued to stare at Peter with an inviting smile that clearly stated that he was ready for Peter to share. Adrenaline poured into his blood just contemplating talking to Neal about Elizabeth right now and he tried think of a way out.

"Neal…"

"Peter, I know you have someone you love." Neal interrupted point blank. "You told me as much during the first few days we met. I didn't really listen then, but I'm listening now."

Peter just shook his head.

"You have to know by now that I wouldn't keep you from her. I'm human, but I'm not a monster."

"I know that." Peter assured. "I'm just not ready."

"Okay." Neal nodded in understanding. "That's fair, you've been through a lot. But when you are…"

"I…I may never be." Peter interrupted before he could stop himself.

"What?" Neal asked shocked.

"I'm afraid I'll only hurt her." Peter finally admitted out loud.

"Hurt her?"

"I'm in no position to provide anything stable for her. This con could go wrong, we could be killed, even if everything goes perfectly what if I'm caught by the Market again? Any second I could be taken from her, I can't put her through that again."

"Peter, that's the risk we all take in life one way or another. Loving someone means you might lose them, but it's still worth it. Remember, all in?"

"Neal…"

"I would do anything to see Kate again…even if it was only long enough to say good-bye."