NOTE: So...this chapter was a bear to write. I'm not kidding. I knew it would be (hence the two week wait). I spent all day yesterday in a coffee shop drinking large quantities of coffee while working on it feeling like if I only smoked I would look like a real writer. ;)

Chapter Forty-seven

Watching Peter practically panting for breath as a panic attack set in Neal started to regret his decision to bring up Elizabeth rather than waiting for Peter to bring her up himself. However after talking about Kate and Peter volunteering not only comforting advice on Kate but also openly telling him about the game at Cheng's that his life had depended on with an air of humor it had just seemed like the perfect opening. However rather than being excited the prospect of seeing Elizabeth seemed to terrify Peter.

Neal could understand Peter needing time to adjust to the idea that he was currently in a position that was closer to freedom than he'd ever been in. Even when he was owned by Elizabeth the Market had known exactly where he was, now he was off the grid so to speak. Something that held a whole new set of risks and rewards. What he couldn't understand was the revelation that Peter felt that it would be better for Elizabeth if he never saw her again. Neal had only spoken with her for an hour and he could see she would give anything and everything to be with him without a moment's hesitation or regret.

If Neal hadn't met with Elizabeth and knew that she strongly suspected that Peter was here and alive Neal would be willing to let this conversation go for now and give Peter more of the time he felt he needed. As it was Neal could just imagine Elizabeth restlessly pacing her apartment while she waited for her lost lover to find the courage to contact her. Hearing that Peter was doubting that he'd ever being ready to see her again was heartbreaking and he felt he had to do something about it.

The problem Neal was facing was how best to continue the conversation in a productive manner. Peter had compassionately listened to Neal's story about Kate, but now that the subject had turned towards his own love Peter was looking more and more like he'd rather be kneeling on Cheng's floor waiting to be beaten than share his reasons for staying away from Elizabeth any further than he already had. After glancing at the door and visibly contemplating leaving Peter drained the rest of his second beer. Neal thought he was going to say something but instead Peter released his breath with a heavy sigh, not the usual sound of defeat but more like someone trying to rein in their temper and barely managing to do so.

"Peter," Neal started carefully "you can't honestly believe that leaving Elizabeth alone is the righ…"

"Neal, please, don't do this to me."

"Don't do this to yourself, Peter."

"You don't understand."

"You're right, I don't." Neal admitted. "I can't even imagine what life has been like for you…"

"Then don't think for a second that you are in anyway qualified to give me advice or decide what is right or wrong when it comes to Elizabeth." Peter growled as his golden eyes brightened with tears that he refused to shed. "I know you've loved and lost and I am truly sorry for that, but you don't know what it's like to love someone and be unable to even walk down the street by their side. You've never felt how painful it is to hold someone who wants to be your partner but is shaking in tears because they've been forced to make you their property instead. You can't understand what it is to love someone and at the same time be their greatest source of pain, and not out of malicious intent but simply because you were born broken."

"You weren't born broken, Peter."

"How else can you explain Animula?" Peter asked sounding like he desperately wanted a real answer. "Something happened, something went wrong with me. My parents were human just like yours were, why did I end up with gold eyes and you didn't?"

Neal didn't have an answer, he didn't even really have a response that wouldn't sound insulting. It wouldn't be any more comforting to be told that mere chance had condemned you to a life of humiliation and heartbreak as it would to believe that some sort of fate or destiny had been involved. Peter had been getting agitated before which Neal had almost seen as a good sign that he still had some fight in him, but now he'd fallen back into a melancholy once more. Still holding onto the empty beer bottle he stared at it as he became further lost in thought, which seemed like a dangerous road for him to be wandering alone right now.

"You weren't born broken, Peter." Neal repeated gently. "You were born different, but the only thing wrong with you is what the Market has done to you. They've tried to break you all your life and they failed. You still found love, you still found your soul. Don't give up on it now, not after everything you've been through. You managed to survive two years at Cheng's hand, you couldn't have done that without some kind of hope for the future, you must have kept the belief that you'd see her again. You have to still want to hold her again."

"…more than anything." Peter admitted quietly.

"Now's your chance," Neal encouraged "don't let fear stand in your way of taking the last step after fighting so hard to get this far."

Peter glanced up at Neal briefly before furrowing his brow as if trying to think of a reasonable argument, not coming up with anything he just looked back at the bottle in his hands. Neal could see that despite his earlier refusal to listen to his advice that Peter was seriously contemplating it now as his expression softened to the point of actually including a slight lop sided smile as he thought less about being Animula and more about the woman who had seen past that.

The old saying that you could drag a horse to water but you couldn't make him drink still held true here, but Neal had the advantage that this horse was extremely thirsty even if he wasn't willing to admit to it. Feeling he was close to convincing Peter to reunite with Elizabeth Neal leaned forward slightly so that Peter would look up at him, which he did. He still looked apprehensive, but at least he seemed willing to listen.

"I know you worry about her losing you again," Neal pressed "but it's not like she's gotten over losing you the first time. Elizabeth hasn't even reached a point where she's ready to move past the 'denial' stage of her grief."

"Neal…"

"I'm not saying it wouldn't be painful to lose you again, I'm just pointing out that you wouldn't be tearing her away from some new life that she's started. It's been two years but she hasn't moved past the day she's lost you. She hasn't given up on you."

"I know." Peter smiled slightly thinking of the hundreds of emails she had sent him.

"She's still waiting for you, she still loves you wholeheartedly." Neal smiled warmly. "No amount of time apart from you is ever going to change that."

"She is stubborn." Peter agreed with an unmistakable tone of pride.

"Funny," Neal chuckled "she said the same thing about you."

"I bet she di…wait…what?"

Neal's heart slammed against his ribs as he suddenly realized his mistake. He had been so focused on convincing Peter to contact Elizabeth that he had forgotten to hide the fact that he'd met her. Peter had started to relax but the color had suddenly drained from his face as he stared at Neal waiting for an explanation. Before Neal could even begin to think of what to say Peter's stunned expression turned dark as he narrowed his eyes with his jaw line suddenly hardening. He gripped down on the beer bottle in his hands hard enough to blanch his fingers white. Neal worried that Peter would be hurt by the apparent betrayal, but he looked more murderous than anything else right now.

"Neal, what have you done?"

"I…"

"The next thing you say had better be the truth." Peter snarled threateningly as his throat flushed red with a combination of fear and rage. "Don't you dare try to lie to me, not on this, not about Elizabeth. Why are you talking like you know her, like you've spoken with her?"

"Peter, please, cal…"

"Tell me to be calm and I will kill you!" Peter hissed. "How do you know Elizabeth hasn't given up on me?"

"I'm sorry, it was an…well not really an 'accident' per se." Neal said awkwardly. "Let's just say that through no fault of my own I met with her."

"You met her? In person?" Peter asked as some of his anger was replaced by shock. "How…no, wait, *when*?!"

"Yesterday afternoon," Neal admitted with a slight cringe "after we got back from the tailor while you were sleeping."

"Yesterday?" Peter repeated still reeling from the news. "I asked *one* thing of you, all I asked was for you to leave her alone! You promised me! I thought I could trust you!"

"It wasn't my intent to find her. Mozzie had…"

"Mozzie," Peter growled darkly "of *course* it was Mozzie."

"Peter, I'm sorry."

"No! I am so sick of humans telling me they are sorry!" Peter spat bitterly as he jumped to his feet and took a step back. "I don't want to hear it anymore! I beg for mercy from humans, I say 'please' and the most I ever hear in return is 'I'm sorry' before I'm struck down. Do you have any idea how many times I've been worthlessly apologized to in my life?!"

"Once would be too many for an an apology like that." Neal replied seriously. He stayed seated but he pushed his chair back from the table slightly fearing he might have to physically defend himself from Peter any second now.

"For every cruel Master that has ever taken pleasure in forcing me to my knees there are two others that tell me they're sorry for doing the exact same thing as if that somehow makes it better or right!" Peter continued in a passionate rage. "'I'm sorry I have to return you to the Market', 'I'm sorry I have to put you in solitary', 'I'm sorry I have to collar you', 'I'm sorry I have to drug the truth out of you'. Humans say they are sorry as if they have no more say in how they treat me than I do in how I'm treated!"

"Peter, I understand how this looks," Neal said carefully "but I didn't mean to hur…"

Neal was cut off as Peter threw the beer bottle he'd been holding at him with a considerable amount of force. The bottle smashed into the wall behind Neal and shattered noisily in a violent spray of broken glass. Neal hadn't had time to react before Peter had thrown the glass but he scrambled to his feet now with his hands held up ready for a fight that he feared he'd lose. Peter had nearly managed to kill him when he was half dead and delirious from fever, now he that he was healthy and angry he was far more powerful. Neal had never been a skilled fighter and he knew his only chance was to not let Peter get his hands on him in the first place. However Peter didn't move to attack him, but rather took a few steps back as he heaved for his breath that had been stolen by the emotional outburst. Kneeling on the floor Peter dragged his hands through his hair with an anguished cry of mournful frustration and pain before falling deathly silent.

Stunned by the sudden violence and the equally sudden calm it took Neal a moment to collect his thoughts. Glancing over his shoulder at the broken glass Neal realized that if Peter had wanted to hit him with the bottle he certainly could have. Neal moved slowly but he fearlessly stepped up to Peter and joined him on the floor by kneeling in front of him. Peter had fallen back into the old habit where his eyes lost their focus as he stared at nothing, with no good outlet for his anger he turned in on himself again. Hoping to bring him back Neal reached out to put his hand on Peter's shoulder.

"Don't touch me." Peter said flatly.

"Okay." Neal put his hands in his own lap. "Peter, this isn't how…"

"I can't face her." Peter admitted in a barely audible whisper. "…or rather I can't turn my back on her."

"You mean that literally, don't you?" Neal asked sympathetically.

Peter nodded miserably.

"Peter…"

"Did you tell her?" Peter interrupted in a hollow voice. "Did you tell her that I let someone beat me for two years without ever once trying to stop him? Did you tell her that rather than die for her that I just gave in to being sold again? Did you tell her how quickly I gave up on the humanity she risked everything to give me?"

"I wouldn't have lied to her like that. You may have lost yourself with Cheng, but you wouldn't be here with the chance to see Elizabeth again if you hadn't found yourself again."

"It doesn't matter. She shouldn't have had to learn what happened to me, she may not be over losing me yet, but given enough time at least the pain would have dulled and she could have been left with a memory of me at my best and not have to blame herself for my fall back into mindless slavery."

"You're looking at this the wrong way, Peter. You're a survivor and there is no shame in that. You think Elizabeth would be happier to learn that you killed yourself for her? Anyone worth dying for is always worth living for if you can, trust me she isn't going to hold the fact that you're alive against you."

"If you honestly respected me like you keep claiming to you would have let me decide if I wanted to stay dead to her or not."

"I didn't tell her you're alive."

"You said you met her…"

With Peter having calmed down and finally ready to listen Neal recounted the events that had lead up to Elizabeth arriving on his door step. Peter grit his teeth and growled a few choice insults under his breath when Neal told him about Mozzie hacking into his computer to read his email. Neal could understand his anger at the breach in privacy considering how personal the communications from Elizabeth were. Neal purposefully left out the part about knowing what Mozzie had done to the computer, it would only breed more mistrust. Peter showed some unmistakable pride in Elizabeth's ability to track Mozzie and her courage in confronting Neal about what she thought was an attempt to blackmail her.

"I had to do something when she showed up here," Neal ended his story "but I was very careful not to say anything about you being alive or the fact that you were right upstairs. Elizabeth needs to hear that you're alive from you, and you deserve to be the one to tell her when and if you're ready."

"Neal, I'm sor…"

"No, don't apologize. You had every right to be angry, at me and certainly at humans in general. I should have told you up front what happened. I just…uh…"

"Worried that I might kill you?"

"Something like that."

Peter looked past Neal at the shards of glass that littered the floor with a guilty expression. Neal still didn't have any regrets about bringing Peter into his home, but he was starting to give some serious consideration to investing in some plastic cups and dishware, this was the third time he'd have to clean up glass shards since Peter's arrival. Although he felt it was probably healthy for Peter to work out some of his frustration physically and Neal was grateful that it had just been glass and not his neck that Peter had decided to break.

"Did you know?" Peter asked suddenly.

"Know what?"

"That Mozzie had bugged the computer he gave me?"

"No." Neal lied.

"Just a fair warning, he might not be safe around me for a while." Peter said seriously.

"He knows that. He feels awful about it. I'm not trying to make excuses for what he did, but please know he's still a good guy. His curiosity and paranoia just get the better of him from time to time. He didn't mean any harm."

"He still caused it and as much as I appreciate you not telling her directly the result is the same. Elizabeth is clever, even without any names mentioned she has to suspect that I'm here."

"She does." Neal agreed. "I am truly sorry for that. She didn't ask me directly so I didn't have to lie to her, but the second she felt she had put the pieces together she pulled away from me and left after giving me some advice on how stubborn Animula can be. She could have demanded to go upstairs and I wouldn't have stopped her, but she didn't."

"Letting me decide." Peter smiled warmly. "She always did her best to make me feel like I had some kind of control even though we both knew it was an illusion."

"This is no illusion, Peter, and I think she'd wait forever…but I'm certain she'd prefer sooner rather than later."

"I…I can't just email her, and I can't risk going to her apartment there might be security cameras, the Market might still be watching her. How…"

"You let me worry about the details." Neal assured. "Give me the 'go ahead' and I will find a way for you two to meet in private."

"Her anklet…"

"Let me worry about the details." Neal repeated. "I will keep you both as safe as I can, I promise. There are advantages to being friends with a career criminal. If it's one thing I know how to do it's hide things."

"I hate to draw her back into secrets and lies, hiding, never knowing what's going to happen. What kind of life is that for her?"

"From everything I've learned I'd say it's the one she'd choose if it meant being with you." Neal risked reaching out and putting his hand on Peter's shoulder. "I know what you're thinking, but Elizabeth isn't some helpless moth and you're not a mindlessly destructive flame. She's made what she wants clear and she's accepted the risks, she's just waiting for you to come to your senses and do the same."

Peter looked down at Neal's hand on his shoulder with an unreadable expression on his face as he thought through everything that had been said. Neal had always been one to lead with his heart which resulted quick and at times rash decisions that sometimes had negative consequences but just as often had great rewards even if the decision was technically a bad one. Neal had learned that when Peter wasn't blinded by anger he lead with his head, needing to try to calculate and plan his moves as carefully as possible after a lifetime of devastating consequences for even the slightest misjudgment. It was frustrating to have to wait for him to come to what Neal felt was an obvious answer, but he could at least understand Peter's hesitation better now.

As the seconds ticked by Neal feared that Peter's calculating side was going to convince him that everyone would be safer if he stayed 'dead'. He wasn't wrong, Elizabeth's anklet was going to complicate matters, she had been given a conditional release the last time but if she was discovered with Peter she'd be facing prison time considering he was unregistered. It certainly exposed Neal to more risk the more people knew about him harboring Peter. The list of reasons that this was a bad idea went on and on, but when Peter's face lit up with a bright smile Neal knew that Peter's heart had won the battle despite the long odds. Neal smiled as well as Peter suddenly pulled him into a grateful embrace. Neal returned the affection carefully, knowing that the worse slash down Peter's back was still healing. Peter released Neal and sat back on his heels with an excited glitter in his golden eyes that Neal hadn't seen before.

"Does this mean you're ready?"

"Yes." Peter confirmed still sounding nervous. "She's waited long enough."

"You both have."