This Good-bye is for You, Ch 5
Disclaimer: I own nothing related to Major Crimes; James Duff, et al, has that lovely distinction.
A/N: When Sharon gets bad news, she decides to handle it alone leaving Andy hurt, angry and confused. Putting his detective skills to good use, he pieces together the long-distance clues she leaves him.
A/N2: The illness is secondary; primary is their love and the way it changes them for the better.
A/N3: Enjoy! Leave a review if y'all's feel so inclined; they are ever so lovely to read. #TodayIsLife
~~~~~PT~~~~~
The next day, Friday, Sharon had Emily meet her at the apartment so they could arrive at the clinic exactly on time. Exactly on time meant fifteen minutes early but still they were able to go straight into the consultation with her doctor regarding her progress. The treatments always made her tired and a bit unsteady for at least twenty-four hours but the nerves that were all on end awaiting the results had her feeling more energy than she had since she'd begun this journey.
When the doctor told her that the treatments were working and that they'd keep to the set schedule to ensure her optimal chances of full recovery, the tears of relief slipped down her cheeks. He also cleared her to return to Los Angeles for her follow-up care, assuming there were no setbacks in her recovery. The final decision would be made in their next meeting after her treatment was completed.
She had hoped that Andy would be there with her for the results but he had text when the case was finally closed the previous evening and she'd text him back to get some much needed sleep before traveling across the country.
Back in her little studio, she changed into more comfortable clothes, made some tea, and then quickly made her way to the bathroom. Emily had excused herself after ensuring she would be all right alone for a short while.
After brushing her teeth, she made her way back outside. The place was small, even for a studio; it would've been hard to miss him standing there drinking some of her tea. His rolling suitcase and carry-on travel bag were by the bed, his jacket slung over the armrest of the love seat and his shoes and socks on the floor next to it. Seeing her, he smiled sheepishly and put the mug down on the little folding tray she'd set up.
"Hi," was all either of them managed before he had her wrapped tightly in his arms. In that instant it didn't matter that he was squeezing too hard, that their tears were flowing freely, or that she really needed that tea to settle her queasy stomach. All that mattered was that, despite pushing him away for his own good, he had pushed back and shown her she didn't have to do it alone. That was a lesson long forgotten during her marriage with Jack.
They clung to each other for what seemed like forever and yet only seemed like seconds at the same time. When she whispered, "I brushed my teeth," he covered her lips with his own but withheld his tongue and wouldn't let hers in.
"Do you remember that's how we kissed in the beginning?" he rasped.
"Yes," she breathed out, trying to deepen it each time she felt his open mouth on hers.
"I missed you, Sharon," he said as he left a wet trail down her neck, "God, I love you."
"I missed you too, Andy," she husked as she grabbed his belt. Becoming serious, stilling her fingers, she added, "I can admit I was wrong to believe this was the best way to handle things."
"I'm here now," he murmured before finally letting her tongue dance with his.
"I need to drink some tea but then I want to lie in bed with you, Andy, for us to be as close as we can get. I just don't know how close that will be."
"I haven't seen you in a month. We're here together. It doesn't matter how close it is, Sharon, we'll make it work." He wanted more than anything to just go to bed with her but he knew there was a step his fiancee was skipping. Whether it was deliberate or not, he couldn't be sure. "We should talk first," he said quietly. Part of his hesitation was that she'd think he no longer wanted her that way; the other part was wondering if there were still things he didn't know, reasons for her to skip discussing all they'd been through over the past month while they were separated.
The practice of schooling her features was innate so she did it this time as well but not before he saw her eyes widen while her fingers began to fidget. "Yes, I suppose we should," she responded calmly, though she was feeling anything but. Moving to sit on the love seat, she added, "There is so much for us to say now that you're here."
As he sat down next to her, he felt a wave of guilt wash over him for not taking her up on her initial suggestion but he thought if they went to bed, even just to hold each other, they might never get this chance again. "Why'd you do things this way?" This was the very basis of what he needed to know, the key to everything that happened since she was diagnosed.
Her eyes misted over as she responded quietly, "I knew you'd want to help, that you'd want to be there for me."
"That's not the answer I was expecting," he admitted, shock and confusion easily visible on his face. He thought he'd hear some bull shit excuses before she finally decided to share the truth with him or maybe hear the truth wrapped up in political correctness. She did have a way with words after all. The absolute God's honest truth straight out of the gate took him by surprise but it set the tone for the rest of the conversation.
Smiling nervously, she answered, "I know it wasn't." Hugging herself to still her fingers, she leaned back into the corner between the cushion and the arm rest on her side. "Andy, I really was only thinking of you when I decided on my course of action. I never wanted to hurt you and I thought this would be easier in the long run."
"You should've let me decide for myself," the hurt mixed with anger couldn't be missed. "Because the other side of the coin is that you were protecting yourself too and that's fine, that's normal, but don't make it sound like this was all for me."
"But it was," she leaned forward as she spoke, her hand reaching out to touch his arm. "It was so that you didn't get lost trying to take care of me. I didn't want to test your sobriety having you watch me go through this on a daily basis."
"So you tested it by suddenly leaving me? The only hope I had after you walked out the damn door was that you asked me not to move out and even that wasn't much because I figured it was for Rusty's sake." He scratched the back of his neck. "Renewing the car insurance was something you could've done from here and you damn well know it."
Her eyes widened once more. "I wasn't even thinking of Rusty when I asked you to stay."
This surprised him more than anything; for her not to think of her son never occurred to him. "Why'd you want me to stay then?"
"Because, according to my doctor, there was a strong chance I'd be coming back home." She sucked her bottom lip into her mouth as she watched him process.
"And what were you going to say to me? Did you think you'd just kiss me hello, explain you were sick but you're better so you're back and we'd just go on like nothing happened?" Standing up, he began to pace the small room. "Did you even think that far, Sharon?"
"No," she admitted quickly, "I didn't think about the end because I couldn't." As tears formed in her eyes, she moved her legs up and wrapped her arms around them. "I wanted to stay positive and believe this would work and I'd go home but there's no guarantees and so I just didn't allow myself to think that far ahead. For once, I didn't follow the trail to the end."
"Always a cop," he sighed as he moved towards her and sat down. His hand on her forearm, he nervously asked, "Were you ever afraid that I'd leave you when you needed me there?"
"I don't -," she stopped herself; protecting herself was one thing but being rude was another. "I never thought you'd leave me, Andy. I knew you'd help me through this. I really was worried about your sobriety and about what would happen if I died while we were together."
"That's what Emily said in one of her texts. Sharon, my sobriety is my own demon to handle. You can't make decisions for me because you're afraid I'll go to a bar." He knew this was learned behavior but it was learned from someone else. "Do you know how much it hurt to have you walk out on me and not so much as answer one damn phone call?" Rearranging himself on the love seat to better be able to look at her, he continued, "Do you know how angry I got when I found out you moved here and that you were sick from checking our bank account? I know you did that deliberately and I'm grateful I had something to work on, some way to figure this all out, but I gotta admit that I was pissed at you."
"I fully expected you to be," she stated simply. "That's what I wanted, Andy. I didn't want you to be hurt or to miss me, I wanted you angry at me so, in the event of my death, it wouldn't hurt as much." Even as she said the words, the flaw in her plan sat in the room like a baby elephant. "I wanted to stay home. I wanted to experience what it'd be like to have the man I love help take care of me. When Taylor offered to put me on leave, I almost changed my mind and took him up on it but I felt selfish for wanting you to go through this with me."
"How the hell is it selfish when I wanted to help? I don't understand, Sharon, I honestly don't understand."
She chuckled sadly. "You sound like Emily."
"That poor kid, you know, having to help you all by herself and dealing with me playing detective." He thought about something Rusty said. "She was the glue for all of us. That's a hard place to put a kid." Seeing her pained expression, he explained, "I know she's an adult and she's your kid so she can handle anything life throws at her but she was the one keeping her brothers updated, taking care of you and feeling sorry for me."
"I shouldn't have done that to her. It was too much to put her through," she agreed sadly.
"That's not what I'm saying, Sharon. I'm not placing blame here. I'm just saying you both learned your lessons from Jack but now it's time to realize you love me because I'm different. I'm not perfect but I am different."
"Yes, you are. You are so very different and I do know that, Andy, and appreciate it." Changing the subject, she asked, "Did you also speak with Ricky?" After the second group Skype video chat, she had only dealt with her children one at a time. It was easier that way for all of them, she believed.
"Yeah, I did. I mean, I was calling Emily because she was here with you but Ricky called me once a week to check on me." Smiling, "That was a nice of him to do that. You raised good kids. Now it's your turn to be taken care of a little." Seeing her begin to tense, he teased her to lighten the mood. "Just a little bit, Sharon, here and there."
"I can handle that," she agreed. "It's difficult for me though." She knew she was stating the obvious but it had to be said. "I'm not used to it and I really do feel selfish putting myself ahead of those I love."
"We weren't asking you to do that. We were just asking you to let us in, to let us help. Ricky and Rusty were actually a little bit jealous of Emily. Even though it was hardest on her, she was the only one who really knew what was going on."
"I didn't ask her to be as involved as she was. She offered and I told her I'd handle things on my own. She insisted so I agreed but it was never my plan to involve her like this."
"We all knew that and not just because Emily told us but cuz we know you and that's not something you'd do." Changing the subject back to their original topic, "I was hurt, Sharon, and I did some stupid things though drinking was not one of them. Once I got over being angry, I researched your treatment and when I got the text from Emily with your diagnosis, I researched that too. A month is a long time for me not to know."
"It is, I'm sorry, I should've told you myself." Her legs now curled on the cushion freed her hands up to take his. "I'm sorry I ended up hurting you, Andy. That was never my intention."
"I know, Sharon, that's just not the kind of person you are. I do need to know why you thought the letter was better than telling me in person that you were leaving. I caught you by accident. If the meeting didn't end early, I would've missed you."
"I was afraid that I'd change my mind. Then after I saw your reaction and," she blushed a little, "after that kiss, I was ready to put everything away and stay home with you."
"You should have." It was blunt but it was how he felt.
Her eyes misted over as she whispered, "I wasted so much time."
Moving even closer to her, he enveloped her in his arms. "You did but you're not now." He kissed the side of her head. "You let me come here; that's a start. Now you just have to let me be involved in helping you sometimes." Moving back, he kissed her forehead, then her nose before placing his lips softly on hers. It remained a chaste kiss as he felt her shiver and realized she was holding in a sob. "Let it go, Sharon," he whispered as he pulled her as close to himself as he could. Seconds later, her body shivered again and he knew she was letting him comfort her as he heard the first sniffle.
When she was ready to look at him, she remained in his embrace and moved only her head. "Thank you, Andy."
"You don't get to thank me for doing what I should," he corrected her. "That's not how this commitment thing works."
She thought about what he'd said. "Then thank you for putting up with me this last month and for giving me another chance to get this right."
"You're welcome," he rasped before covering her lips with his own. When they moved apart, he told her he'd throw out her tea and make them both fresh ones.
"I'd appreciate that," she smiled. "The kitchenette is over," she paused, "well, you can see everything in this apartment, I'm sure."
"It is pretty small," he agreed, then smirked. "Hey, if we don't end up killing each other by the time you're ready to go home, maybe our place is just fine for us after all."
"I'd prefer all of our belongings to be in one place so we really should look for a larger condo."
"Or a house," he suggested, knowing every time he'd made mention of a house previously she'd repeated her preference for a condo. She'd even given him a list she'd made of the pros and cons regarding it. That time he couldn't just say it was settled because the cons won and he really wanted to buy another house.
"A larger condo will suit our lifestyles just fine," she countered. "After we have the tea, I'd really like for us to just lie in bed together, regardless of what happens or doesn't happen between us right away."
"Then that's what we'll do," he agreed. He really did want nothing more than to just lie skin to skin with her, even if she wasn't up for anything more than just taking a nap.
[TBC]