A/N: So I'm not sure what I want to do with Hawke, but I can't have her all cheery and uppity after that horrible expedition experience, so she'll be a mess of sorts.
Disclaimer: Credit to Bioware for such captivating characters and the dramatic plot of Dragon Age II
Chapter 5: All That's Left
Upon returning to Kirkwall, Hawke did not immediately set foot in her Uncle Gamlen's hovel and reassure her mother of her failure as an elder sister. She drew up her hood and stumbled into the tavern, a gesture that caused no one to look at her twice– she was just another drunken patron to them. Varric hadn't returned to his lodgings yet and Anders had slithered on down back to Darktown without alerting anyone of his presence. Her dwarf companion had advised them to lie low for a while; to let him collect as much information on Bartrand as possible. No doubt his conniving bastard of a brother had told everyone that they had perished to a horde of random darkspawn combatants. At least coming back from the dead had some benefits including the element of surprise. Hawke sat on one of the shabby barstools and nestled her head in her hands– all she wanted was to rest, to lie next to a warm, bright fire and rest. Her body ached, her head was pounding and she felt empty.
"Get the fuck off of me!" A drunken voice shouted from across the room, and Hawke's eyes sparked lightly at the familiarity of it. She didn't turn to look, but she focused on the voice. "Try that again and I'll slice your balls off; I'll be doing this world a favor. There's already enough ugly to go around without you spreading it." She heard a chair being thrown to the floor. "The whole lot of you are disgusting. You know who was beautiful, Hawke. Hawke was beautiful, and I was going to ravish her body and now she's…" the voice cracked but more things were thrown upon the floor. "She's…" now there were shouts and grunts often associated with bar brawls.
Hawke turned to see Isabela in a fistfight with five men more than twice her size, but she didn't seem to be the one at a disadvantage. In fact, she fought better drunk and angry. The mage watched her dance around the giants and couldn't help but follow her like a moth to a flame. She was a dancing flame and she kindled something the mage had forgotten. Hawke slowly got up from her stool and walked towards the flying rogue.
"You want some of this too, do you?" Isabela raised her fist to the scrawny, hooded figure that just bumped into her. "That's fine, tonight I'm not feeling picky." Her fist was inches away when Hawke looked into the pirate's chocolate eyes. "Hawke?" Her voice cracked and her fist fell.
"Bella, I…" Hawke raised her hand but the mage never did follow through with her actions before she collapsed from fatigue in the pirate's arms.
"Balls." Isabela smiled and choked down tears as she pulled the mage in for a sloppy embrace.
She immediately stopped her sentimental crap and carried the mage to her quarters. Her scrumptious apostate had survived after all and that no good, lecherous dwarf had been lying all the while. It wasn't that she was all that attached to Hawke, but she hadn't even had sex with her yet and that was blasphemy to the sexual connoisseur that Isabela was. She had only been angry that such a treat hadn't been properly tasted; that's why she was rampaging in the Hanged Man ever since the news broke. That's why it hurt so much; it had to be. Isabela lay the woman down on her sheets and sighed… Hawke had failed to live up to her promise. She was now back in her bed but not of her own free will, and there would definitely be no sex tonight.
Isabela paused as she observed the features of the slightly younger woman and noticed how worn out and ragged she was.
"Andraste's tits she looks…"
"Half-dead."
Isabela jumped at the intrusion and put one hand on the hilt of her dagger before realizing it was Varric who had barged in.
"Well if it isn't my favorite hairy-chested manly man." Isabela smirked but also noticed his deathly look.
"Thanks for the compliments Rivaini." Varric turned his attention back to Hawke. "Keep the light on for her, will you?"
"Wait, you can't just leave!" Isabela rose to stop him but his worn gaze bade her to leave him be.
"I'll explain whatever Hawke doesn't tell you tomorrow. I need to sleep…" He rubbed his eyes, "or try to anyways."
"What the hell happened to all of you?" Isabela returned to Hawke's bedside only to find the sleeping mage squirming with discomfort. "Hey sweet thing calm down…" She put her hand on the mage's forehead and bade her to relax. "There's nothing here that can hurt you, well except for me." Isabela tried to wear a dashing smile but it fell into a frown once the mage refused to stop fighting her nightmares. "Hold still!" Isabela grabbed the mage's wrists but that only worsened the situation. "You really leave me no choice, Hawke!" Isabela muttered as she pressed her entire body against Hawke's, practically straddling the apostate.
"Mmm…" Hawke murmured and began to settle down as Isabela pressed against her. The mage pulled the pirate in closer and clung on to whatever she was able to grab.
"Just so you are aware…" Isabela whispered into Hawke's ear. "I do not do this ever." She sighed and lay by the mage who was nestled in her bosom. "You will pay me back twice for this."
Isabela slept well enough or as well as anyone with a mage's face stuffed down their breasts possibly could. Isabela chuckled and wondered how Hawke would react upon waking up to such a glorious view. She watched as the girl's eyes slowly opened and laughed as she felt the mage's lips move against her flesh. Whatever she had said was muffled by the pirate's more than plentiful cleavage.
"Good morning sunshine, I hope you enjoyed using my breasts as your personal pillow." Isabela was so used to teasing the mage and having her spaz out that the mage's reaction caught her off guard.
"Isabela, you're so warm." The mage replied in half a daze and nuzzled into the crevice of Isabela's neck.
"Whoa, Whoa, what are you doing?" Isabela removed the mage from her and held her at arm's length. "I'm not one to be cuddled with, unless this will somehow lead to sex, will it?" Her gaze remained stern even as the mage looked at her with pleading eyes.
"I…" Hawke looked down at her hands, "I can't."
"Then we're done here." Isabela rose from her bed and walked towards the door.
"Wait!" Hawke outstretched her hand and nearly fell off the bed as she lunged forward. "Don't leave!" She was begging and Isabela hated it.
She hated seeing Hawke so disheveled, so pathetic. Where had her semi-cocky, fun-loving, yummy apostate mage gone? This person nearly crawling on the floor was a shadow of what the real Hawke had been, and Isabela wasn't sure she could deal with this change. What Hawke needed wasn't something that Isabela could offer. All she was good at was sex and stealing, none of which could help Hawke at the moment.
"Look Hawke, I'm not cut out for this type of thing. I'm glad you're back, really I am, but…" she looked away from the forlorn mage, "I hate clingy women."
Hawke felt her throat dry up and suddenly the darkness that had been bred inside of her jumped forward.
"Who says I was asking for that?" The mage's naturally blue eyes froze, as she stood tall and sneered.
The pirate stood still unaccustomed to being on the other end of Hawke's anger. Actually she had never seen Hawke look at anyone this way. It was a dark, fear-inducing glare that the mage was directing at her, and she didn't know how to respond. In all honesty Isabela had never thought the mage capable of anything so… evil.
Hawke stormed out of the Hanged Man not even bothering to notice Varric calling her over. The dwarf turned to see a rather frozen Isabela at her doorway and called her over instead.
"Rivaini what happened?"
"You know I'm not quite sure, Hawke just…" Isabela flashed back to the Maker-awful face that Hawke had given her. "learned her lesson is all."
"Something happened to all of us down there. Hawke had it the worst." Varric motioned for the pirate temptress to join him in his office. "I was hoping once she saw you–"
"Me?" Isabela looked at him incredulously. "What in Andraste's ass did you expect me to do?"
"She thought about you a lot Rivaini. None of us really knew if we'd make it back from that Maker forsaken road."
"It's not my fault she invested so many stupid things in me. I told her…" Isabela faltered in her speech as she realized that she had never taken the time to really set Hawke straight about who she was. "It's too late now."
"She's still strong; anyone lesser would have snapped, but she led us out of that darkness and let us keep our sanity. It all came at a cost however."
"Why are you telling me this, Varric? There's nothing I can do." She slammed her fist on his table. "You know me; there's nothing I can do. I can't be what she wants me to be."
"Can't or won't?" Varric eyed his friend with a stern gaze.
"Oh bug off, I'm done with this." Isabela rose and stormed out of the Hanged Man.
Varric sighed and pressed his fingertips together– Isabela was the only flame that would be able to bring Hawke back.
Hawke felt a fire raging within and wanted to damn the whole town of Kirkwall with it, but that wasn't a viable option. If she went off on a bloody rampage, the entire expedition would have been for nothing. She had enough wealth to keep the Templars at bay and to give her mother the estate she swore was rightfully theirs. Her mother would grieve for Carver, and though she wouldn't be so cruel as to directly blame the eldest Hawke, she would subconsciously always hold her responsible. She had no idea if Carver had even survived the Joining, and Anders did little to comfort her when he said it was all up to chance. After all the she had lost, when she came back up into the light she thought the nightmare was over, that there was nothing else she could lose. Isabela went and proved her wrong. That damned pirate… Hawke refused to think about her any further.
She walked up the shabby stone steps to Gamlen's and stood at the door. Should she knock or should she walk right in? It had been months since she was here last and her surroundings felt slightly surreal. If she took a step further there would be no turning back. She would have to face her mother's sorrow at losing yet another child and live up to her failure. Hawke stood still, unwilling to progress with her story. Fortunately or unfortunately fate intervened and Hawke was face to face with her mother as she opened the door to leave.
"Maker! Marian!" Leandra threw her arms around her child and began to cry immediately.
Hawke held her tightly and relished the human contact, but it was only a matter of time before her mother would realize her fears.
"My sweet girl you've returned! They told me you were dead…" she clung to her child, afraid that it was some cruel magic trick come to haunt her.
"I'm very much alive Mother." Hawke reassured her but felt her pull away.
She was smiling up at Hawke when she asked, "Where's your brother? Oh don't tell me he went to celebrate at the Hanged Man before coming home." She laughed full-heartedly and this pierced painfully at Hawke's heart.
"Mother, I…" Hawke fell to her knees and clung to her mother's legs. "I'm so sorry!" She cried as she had done when she was a child.
Leandra felt her heart skip a beat as she registered her eldest daughter's words in her head. She kept her sobs to a minimal as she lowered herself and rocked her daughter in her arms.
"What's with all this sobbing? Damned women." Gamlen poked his head out of the door. "Leandra weren't you on your way out to go look for work; what are you doing crying on my porch?"
Hawke heard Gamlen's words ring loud and clear and once again the darkness within her spread from her core to her hands. She shot electricity towards him and caused the man to jerk backwards and fall on the floor in a stupor. Leandra raised her hand and let it fall on Marian's cheek.
"What do you think you're doing?" Her mother scolded her as her mothering gaze met with Hawke's detached and cold features.
"You were going to make Mother work?" Hawke spat as she ignored her mother's slap and looked down at her shriveled uncle. "You're the very reason why the estate was gone, why we had no where to turn to, no protection. If it weren't for you squandering everything, we may have never needed to go on that damned expedition!" Hawke bellowed as her fingers cackled with raw electricity.
"Stop this at once, Marian Hawke!" Her mother commanded and Marian bit her tongue, biding the magic to stop. "Just stop, I can't take this." Leandra slumped to the floor and began to cry.
Hawke snapped out of her anger and knelt by her mother. "Mother?" She reached out to touch her but noticed how she flinched at the action. "I'm sorry." She drew her hand back and stood up. "I've procured more than enough riches to make a serious petition for our title to the Amell estate, and… Carver is in the hands of the Grey Wardens; it's unclear whether he's alive or not. I'll be back soon." She spoke in a monotone voice as she exited the dirt hole.
That was not the way she had pictured her return. She had known that her mother would take the news about Carver badly, but this turned out a lot worse than originally thought. First she blew up on Isabela and now her Uncle Gamlen had received a more potent dose of pent of darkness. Evil stares, untamed magic, what had the once friendly apostate mage become? She walked through the alleys of Kirkwall, watched as the sunset and night enveloped the landscape– this seemed familiar, comfortable to some degree. Now nobody would be able to see her pain or anger; only in darkness could she be herself without worrying how others would take it. She kept on walking until she found herself at the docks and the swooshing of water beckoned her to sit.
"Why?" She looked down at her hands. They were scarred and rough to the touch. "How did I fail?" She summoned a ball of fire and tossed it back and forth between her hands.
"Is that really wise?" A sultry voice caused her to drop the ball into the ocean's waters. "Thought so." A smirking Isabela plopped down beside her and tossed a clothed object in her direction. "You failed because you weren't eating right, so eat up." She pulled a flagon of wine out and began to chug at it.
Hawke reached for the flagon but Isabela put it further out of her reach. "Not until you eat a little, sweet thing."
"I'm not sweet…" Hawke muttered, but couldn't help the heat rising to her cheeks. "And I'm not hungry." At that moment her stomach gurgled in protest.
"Someone's still very bad at lying." Isabela took the bread from her companion. "Here." She broke off a small piece and pressed it forcefully through Hawke's lips.
Hawke turned away quickly and spit the bread out, not wanting to give in to Isabela's gestures.
"Would you just leave me alone?" It was more of a command than a request.
"Playing hard to get I see." Isabela then placed a piece of bread between her own lips and roughly grabbed the mage's face. Swift as only a rogue can be, the pirate planted her lips on Hawke's and pushed the bread through with her tongue.
"Stof…" the mage said through a mouth full of bread, "stopf it!" She finally managed to push Isabela away. "Stop!" her voice was laced with tears.
"Shhh, shhh…" Isabela shushed her as she pulled the mage in for another kiss this time without any bread to get in the way. "Let me do what I do best." She whispered on Hawke's lips.
Hawke tasted Isabela's warm breath and found that she rather liked the pirate's lips on her own. Without any other form of consent, Isabela pushed Hawke's back against the deck and mounted her while kissing her. For being so passive and shy before she left, this Hawke was anything but. That being said it wasn't long before Hawke managed to outmaneuver Isabela and reverse their positions. Isabela was pleasantly surprised as her ravenous mage began to ravish her body, and discovered that her magic was put to fine use on and off the field of battle. If anything this sexual act was one of dominance rather than finesse, and Isabela wasn't sure who the victor had been. While Hawke had her magic and stamina, Isabela had her flexibility and dexterity. The waves crashed nearby as both reached their ultimate point of pleasure. Isabela fell on top of her newly made sex partner and wondered when they could do this again completely naked seeing as this time their clothes remained somewhat intact.
"I'm sorry." Hawke whispered to the pirate that had just rolled off of her. "About earlier today, I didn't mean to–"
"Yes you did and it's understandable." Isabela replied before Hawke could fully apologize. "At least we got some great angry sex out of it." Isabela winked at the mage. "But now you must eat."
Hawke looked at the bread Isabela offered her and unconsciously gave Isabela a boyish smile. The pirate felt that reminiscent fluttery feeling in the pit of her stomach again and mentally cursed at herself. Hawke took the bread and did nothing short of devouring it.
"Now give me that." Hawke pointed at the flagon in Isabela's hands.
"Someone forgot their manners." Isabela teased, "What do you say to beautiful pirates such as myself?"
"Please, give me that." Hawke responded with a smirk.
"We'll have to incorporate that for the next time we have sex." Isabela handed over the flagon and watched as the mage chugged the entire contents of the flagon.
"Is that all you think about?"
"Yes my dear it is." Isabela retorted as she took the flagon back from Hawke. "Nothing else is worth the time to think about."
"I see." Hawke looked out to the ocean and let her dreams drown in the waters; all that remained was her hollow body. "That's all there's left of me anyways." Hawke spoke softly, unsure if Isabela could hear her or not.