You're not really all that surprised that it's Felix that chases after you.

Karma has a history of watching you walk away, after all. (Walk, run, ride a fucking tour bus, whatever.)

Plus, it's what the good guy would do and that is his role in this whole thing, right? He gets to play the good guy, the voice of reason, the trustworthy and sane and dependable and sane and reasonable and sane one. Felix is the guy who releases you because it's wrong to hold you there, it's wrong to make you wait for him, it's wrong to expect you to be as selfless as him.

He's the good guy.

(You know, as long as the good guy is allowed to supposedly be pining after you while making puppy eyes at your best friend.)

(And that's not fair and you know it cause releasing you meant releasing him and it's not like you haven't been making puppy eyes at anyone, lately.)

(So you totally shouldn't judge him cause totally not fair but you know what?)

(You totally don't fucking care.)

It isn't like you want him or like you even wanted him when you supposedly had a… thing… cause, really, you didn't. You didn't want him when you went to prom and you didn't want him when you kissed him and you didn't want him when you had your second so-called date. You've never wanted him (but he was always there) and you've never needed him (but still he stays) and he was always your second choice (or third) (maybe fourth) (maybe just the default cause there was no other option and it made Farrah so happy) and you made that pretty fucking clear by sucking on Karma's tongue in the pool and that finally did make him leave.

But he came back.

He always comes back. No matter what you do (or who), no matter how obvious you make it that what you feel for him registers at a level that's (maybe) just above your resting pulse rate, no matter how many girls he sees you with (and let's be real, you had more chemistry with a girl in a fucking costume you'd known for five minutes than with him), it doesn't matter.

He comes back. He's there. He waits and he cares and he helps and he'd lay down on train tracks to spare you pain.

Fuck all… no wonder Karma's making puppy eyes of her own.

He's you. Just with a dick and let's face it, that matters to her.

Yeah, you're not surprised he's the one who chases after you. It's what you'd do. And yeah, you're not surprised it's him and not Karma. She's probably thinking that this is some perfect moment, something right out of one of her movies. This is the chance for Felix to come and console you and for you to cry on his (kinda girly) (like fourth grade girly) shoulder and then, in one spectacular moment that she couldn't have scripted better herself (though you bet she's fucking tried) you'll look into his eyes.

"How could I have been so blind?" you'll ask. "How could I not see you were right here all along?"

It's a nice moment, the kind of moment a lot of girls would kill for (Karma would, without a doubt, offer up a Zen sacrifice for it, at least) but here's the problem.

You're not a lot of girls.

And Felix isn't any.

And he's certainly not the girl you actually want (even if - right now - you fucking hate that you want her) (and you really do.)

Knowing Felix (and that doesn't require much studying) you're sure Karma didn't even have to work for it, she didn't even have to try to get him to come after you. It was probably his idea, he probably gave her some bullshit about you maybe killing the messenger (though the messenger was… him) (Roy) (and the message was already delivered and read and deleted and yeah, it's still sitting in your trash folder and no, you're not quite ready to empty that and no, you don't know when you will be, and yes, it's called fucking hope and you still have it fuck you very much.) Felix probably suggested he be the one to take that particular bullet.

You can hear him saying it. "You and Amy have already been through so much," he said. "I'll go. I'll take the heat."

And, of course, she let him. And, of course, she did that for you, to put you two together, to help you see that your other crush (and Felix = Sabrina only in Karma's mind) was the right crush and when you see him come through your door, when you realize that he's never let you down and he's never lied to you and he's never pretended to be something he isn't

(all of which eliminates Sabrina, you know) (and, come to think of it, Karma too)

then it's just a hop, a skip, and a hump (not the day) from you and him to hand holding and date nights and joint college applications and his spot on the porch of the houses you and Karma and her husband will have right next door to each other.

It is, you have to admit, a sorta romantic and even a little bit logical way to look at it.

Totally fucking wrong, but sorta romantic (in a Notebook heteronormative kinda way) and a little bit logical (if you get your logic from the Katherine Heigl movie oeuvre.)

So, you know, it's basically Karma in a nutshell.

He's sitting on the edge of your bed and you're leaning against your desk chair with your back to him and you haven't said a word since he got here, but that's OK, cause he's done all the talking.

"It's for the best," he said. And you thought, briefly, of asking him whose best cause, clearly, not yours (or Sabrina's) (and you'd guess not Roy's either) (not that you care.)

Maybe it's his best and you're pretty sure it's Karma's best and well… yay… cause that's what matters, right?

"It's better you found out now, right?" he asked. "Before things went too far."

He says it like a fact, like it ends with a period and it ends without doubt and with definitely no 'too far' between you and Sabrina. That's how he says it, but how he means it is less statement and less fact and a whole lot more hope and prayer and fishing for you to say something - anything - that will tell him he's right.

Sure. Things hadn't gone too far.

You hadn't fucked her yet.

And there was only a little kissing and some simple hands-over-clothes action (and by over clothes, you mean hands pulling clothes over as in over her head or down over her thighs) and you hadn't once - not even - thought that maybe, just maybe, for the first time in so very long, you'd found someone you could love.

You didn't. Love her, that is. Not yet.

But you could've.

You guessed - correctly - that he didn't want to hear that, so you kept your mouth shut and let him keep right on keeping on. And that was easy for him cause he had them all lined up, all the you got rid of her just in time greatest hits.

It hurts now, but it will get better.

It just takes a little time.

One day at a time, that's what you've gotta do.

(wonder where he got that one)

She wasn't worth it. She wasn't worth your heart.

You deserve better.

They slip from his tongue with ease and roll off of you like water, pooling around your feet and all you can feel is the way you're starting to sink into them and all you want to do is drown, so at least you won't have to fucking listen anymore. He's not helping, he's not saying anything you couldn't get from a fucking country song (and not even one of the good ones) and you know that's not really fair.

What could he say?

Sorry your girlfriend was a liar? Sorry your girlfriend had a boyfriend? Sorry your girlfriend had a boyfriend she told you was made up who somehow ended up, very not made up, in the middle of your living room?

Somehow.

Somehow.

"How?" you ask, cutting him off in the middle of another one of his trope-tastic cliches. "How did… he… end up here?"

Felix is quiet for a minute (and never has silence been so beautiful) before he gives the most ridiculous and obvious answer ever. "She told you. Karma. She told you what happened."

Yeah, she told you. Somewhere in between 'I can explain' and 'Get the fuck out', Karma told you the whole thing.

"Tell me again," you say. "Tell me."

He shifts on the bed and you can hear him shuffling his feet and running his hands through his hair and you can feel the discomfort and - fuck all - it makes you feel just a little better.

And that makes you want to puke.

"Sabrina left her phone," he says.

"Karma stole it," you say and yeah, that's probably semantics and technicalities but that's the world she lives in.

"Sabrina left the phone," he says again. "And Karma brought it to me cause she didn't know… what to do."

"She didn't know how to unlock it and she thought phone hacking was in the nerd handbook, so…" He doesn't even try to correct you. "Go on."

"While we were talking about it, Roy called and Karma… answered."

"Who?" you ask. You're still leaning against your desk chair and you're pretty sure there's gonna be finger grooves in the wood backrest. "Who answered?"

"Amy…"

You shove the chair hard against the desk, relishing the sound - so violent and loud and simple - of the wood crashing against the wood. That's what you so very desperately want to be right now. Violent and loud and simple. You want to run downstairs and ignore her (Karma) and chase her (Sabrina) outside and slap the fucking taste…

You slam the chair again. Harder. You catch two of your fingers between the backrest and the edge of the desk and it hurts like a motherfucker and the skin and your nails break and there's blood, but you don't make a sound.

Because, really, you don't want to do any of that. You don't want to slap her and you don't want to chase her and you don't want to do anything except curl up in your bed and feel Karma's arms around you and cry until you're nothing but a shrunken dehydrated wrinkled mess.

And that doesn't make you want to puke. It makes you want to die. Because you can't want that. Not again. Not ever again. You can't you can't you fucking can't and it's all her (take your fucking pick) fault.

Your hands work on their own, yanking the chair from under the desk and whipping it across the room, slamming it into your bedroom door and then you hear it. You hear her. Out in the hall, the soft little yelp as the chair bounces off the door and of course she's out there and of course she's listening and of course she's waiting.

Waiting for you to break. For you to crack. For you to be her Amy again. The one she needs to protect and the one she needs to guide and the one…

The one that needs her.

"Who?" you ask him again, loud enough that you know she can hear it. "Who answered?"

Felix stands from the bed and, for a second, you think he's going to come to you, he's going to try and put his arms around you and hold you while you slap and punch and pummel him (like in one of Karma's fucking movies) until you break down in his arms and then there'll be that moment…

"Sabrina," he says softly. "Karma pretending to be Sabrina, but that's not the point."

"No?"

He shakes his head and it's the most convinced of anything you've ever seen him. "Karma fucked up, OK? Is that what you want me to say?" He takes one halting step toward you and thinks better of it. "She did the right thing in all the wrong ways but the point is that she did the right thing. Sabrina was a liar. She was a fake."

It's not like you don't know all that, but hearing it… hearing it from him (and knowing he's not just being jealous or manipulative or paranoid), it's enough to finally bring the tears you've been holding back. They stream down your cheeks but you don't fucking sob, you don't crack, you don't crumble and curl and fall.

You're not giving her (either one) that.

"You think I don't know that?" you ask. "I know exactly what she did."

You do. It's all too… familiar.

"I know you do," he says. "And you have no idea how much I wish Karma had been wrong."

Oh, you've got an idea.

"And I know what you're doing," he says. "I know why you're snapping at me and why you're making me rehash it all. Karma warned me this might happen."

There's a pain, right in your neck, right at the base of your skull and you cock your head to the side but it doesn't do shit. "Warned you? Karma warned you?"

You don't actually hear anything from the hall, but you know. You know that she knows that this is exactly the reason she shouldn't have sent Felix.

"Yeah," he says. "She said when you're hurt, especially this hurt, you lash out." He sits back down on the edge of the bed. "Like when you and Liam… you know."

Yeah. You know.

"I get it," he says and you're surprised cause there's something in his voice, a tiny subtle little change that reminds you of the boy you met (for the first time, really) after his accident, on his way back to rehab. "I know what it's like to want to blame someone, to make someone the bad guy. It makes it… not easier… just… bearable."

He's not wrong. At least, not about the not easier part.

"And I know what she did was crazy," he says. "And I know it doesn't seem like it right now, what it being kinda fresh and all -"

"Nothing fresh about it," you say, cutting him off. "Fresh suggests new. Fresh suggests not a pattern. Fresh… fresh means it's the first time."

You've had a lot of firsts with Karma. This ain't one of them.

He ignores everything you say (cause why should he be any different) and goes on. "I know you want someone to blame, Amy," he says. "But you have someone. Sabrina lied, Sabrina cheated, Sabrina hurt you."

"And Karma?"

He hops up off the bed and closes the distance between you, till he's just a breath away.

"Karma saved you."

There's seventy-five people downstairs and every one of them watched as Karma (and Felix) (and Sabrina) (and Roy) (can't forget Roy) revealed your stupidity, the utter… fakeness of your relationship to the world.

They showed everyone… they showed Ron the Con and your mother and Shane and Noah and Theo (fucking Theo) how gullible you were. How stupid. How trusting and naive and ridiculous.

How could you have ever thought she felt the same way you did? How could you have ever thought she could actually have wanted and needed and desired you?

Karma never did. Karma never thought it, not even for a second.

The tears roll down your cheeks and it's everything you can do to stay standing. His words keep running through your head over and over on a fucking loop

(it's an endless loop right through my heart)

She saved you.

She saved you. Karma rode to your rescue and banished the evil bitch. She outed Sabrina to everyone, she showed them all how it was just a plot, just a ploy to get rid of her, that it was never about caring for you or wanting to be with you or that she …

maybe... could've… maybe…

(fuck)

No, it wasn't about that, it was about Karma and it was Karma who had to save you because, let's face it, you clearly couldn't do that on your own. You're lucky, that's what he's saying, you're so lucky to have someone like her who would (and could) do what you couldn't. He's here right now because of her, because he's what you need and he's what's best and how could you have been so fucking blind that you didn't see that?

How?

Just… how?

You know how. Cause evolution and change and growth and selfish and sabotage and… fuck her (both of them.) Felix was right. You do have a bad guy.

Two of them, as a matter of fact.

You turn to him, those words still ringing in your head, with the tears streaking your face and the blood slowly dripping from your hand and he takes a step back and you know, he can see it in your eyes.

"So tell me, Felix," you say. "Do I look saved to you?"