So this wasn't the plan.

Or, more accurately, he wasn't the plan. And, specifically he is Felix but, really, it could be any he cause yeah… not so much. You might not have labelled yourself and you might not know for sure but you've got a pretty good idea that… how did she put it?

Your slugger swings one way.

Or, at the very least, your slugger likes swinging one way better and, maybe, if you found your slugger a really nice (like Felix) and really sweet (also like Felix) and really not boring as fuck (so not Felix) example of the other side of the plate…

Oh… fuck the analogy or metaphor or whatever. Just deal with the facts on the ground.

You may still like guys but you don't like him, not like that and you know it and he knows it and anyone who spends more than thirty seconds with the two of you knows it and you almost feel bad for him, because it isn't his fault.

It's not his fault he isn't her.

And to be fair, Felix is a nice guy, he really is. He's dependable (you know, unless he drinks) (or unless you leave him alone with your best friend for five minutes.) He's friendly (as long as you count that held in, simmering just under the surface probably gonna snap one day and end up in a bell tower with a fucking rifle way of dealing with shit as friendly.) He's dorky and he's kind and he's less insane than most of your friends.

Most of your friends are Karma, Shane, and Lauren.

If he wasn't less insane, he'd have to be committed.

So, maybe he's got the personality of a slightly damp cloth and if you actually dated he'd probably be a full on never let you go anywhere or see anyone or do anything without him clinger but he's your date and he's here and he's dealing with your obvious disappointment and he's been nothing but honest with you, which is more than you can say for some people.

Some people who aren't here and you kinda understand that whole conspicuous by their absence thing now.

Felix mumbles something, some supposed to be funny attempt at breaking the ice (the Titanic couldn't break this ice), something about him being a drunk and you hating dancing and so, maybe, this is actually the worst possible date.

(It is.) (It so is.) (And it's got nothing to do with drinking or dancing or the kissing to come.)

(Well.) (Maybe a little to do with the kissing.)

"I don't hate dancing," you say and Felix perks up a little, taking that as a suggestion that maybe he should lead you out onto the floor, that maybe he should take your hand and put his arm around your waist and maybe (just maybe) by the end of some appropriately slow (and hetero-lyrically laden) song you'll have started to forget her and remember him.

You move a step away (just a small one) and sip your punch and mumble something about the band and how shiny Shane's jacket is and where could Karma be and by the time you're finished, you're pretty sure you couldn't pay him to dance with you.

"This was a bad idea," he says and you want to agree with him, you want to nod and say yes and ask him to just take you home and hope that when he drops you off there's only a minimally awkward moment when he wonders if he'll get a kiss or get invited in. You want to.

But you don't.

Instead you shake your head and protest - "No, no, it's fine" - because you know it's what you're supposed to do. He's what you're supposed to do and the universe (fucking dick) has made that clear, has made it so perfectly obvious that doing anything different (like following your heart) (or any of your other… parts) is a huge mistake and will get you nowhere.

Nowhere but crying in your room listening to the silence of Karma not being able to find the words to make it better.

(And where is she?)

You've gotten the message (loud and clear and painful) and all that's left for you to is to embrace it, to roll with it, to take his hand - "Come on" - and gently pull him toward the dance floor. You can hear the band (minus Karma) (and you wonder if you should worry) tuning up for a slow one and at least that means you can let him hold you close and you can put your head on his shoulder and - for three minutes and change (longer if Shane decides to embellish) - you can pretend that you're with the one you want.

Or that the one you're with actually wants you.

You're pretty good at the former, but the latter…

It's hard to imagine something you've never had.

That's the hard part, that's the part that kills because that's the part you thought you'd found, finally. Karma didn't like you like that and Reagan did but only a part of you and Felix might have but then you left him with Karma and he realized the parts of you he liked were her and Sabrina…

Yeah. Sabrina.

You thought she liked you. Just you. But the you she liked was the one she could keep from Karma, the one that paid attention to her (and not Karma) and wanted her (and not Karma) and was her friend (and not Karma's.)

For Sabrina it was all about Karma (or not Karma, as the case may be) because of course it was. Story of your life, right? Your sexuality - at least your discovery of it - was all about Karma. Your first kiss was about Karma and your second kiss was about (escaping) Karma and your first time was about (hurting) Karma and your first (second) love was about (forgetting) Karma.

You turn your head and sneak a peek at Felix and he's sneaking a peek at the door (and he's not really all that sneaky) and you don't even need to ask who he's looking for.

Why should he be any different?

"We don't have to," he says and you know he means the dance but it's hard not to think of how much else he probably means. "I know you don't really want to -"

You shut him up the same way you did at prom - with your lips - and you feel him tense beneath your touch which, really, is impressive because you're surprised you can feel anything other than your heart breaking and the feeling of…. something… inside you dying and oh God this was the wrong wrong wrong thing to do but, really, what else was left?

You've gotten the hint. You've gotten the message. So… fine. You'll listen. You'll do what the universe or fate or whatever wants. You'll dance with Felix and you'll kiss Felix and you'll date Felix and - somewhere down the line - you'll get drunk and he'll stay sober and you'll fuck Felix and then you'll go to college with Felix (like he wouldn't follow you) and then you'll marry Felix and have little baby Felixes (Felixi ?) and you'll both live next door to Karma and Liam (like it could be anyone else) and sip iced tea on the porch and smile your way through the dream life and never once wonder or wish or… remember.

And it'll all be just fine.

You give. You're crying 'uncle', you're surrendering, you're tapping out with your lips on his and that's it, that's the end, that's all she fucking wrote.

And then Karma walks in.

And then Karma walks in with her and they both spot you across the room and there's anger in Karma's eyes and pain in Sabrina's and you look at Felix and there's nothing in his and you just fucking know.

This is gonna be anything but just fine.

There have been times (a few) (more lately) (like since the pool) (but still just a… few) when you've found yourself just fucking hating Karma.

The night of your mother's wedding springs to mind. Oh, you still loved her that night, as much (or maybe more) that you ever had. How could you not? She was there, she was right there with you, amongst all the romance and love and there was the dancing and the song and the laughter and the way she looked at you.

There was hope.

And then there was Liam Booker crawling out from under a table and there was a toast and there was you begging her to jump and her begging you to understand (though not really) (there was just mostly tears and denial and that describes most do the last year or so for you two) and then there was you.

Alone.

Until you weren't.

Yeah… you hated her that night.

And… maybe… there was the night at Communal (which was probably more mad and less hate) and the night when she practically fucking ordered you to tell Reagan about you and boys (and it totally counts if you just hated that she was right) and there was right before you got on the bus (which is why you got on the bus) and there was, definitely, the other night.

When she, you know, saved you.

Which was utter bullshit and totally insane and completely 100% all about Karma and just about the most ridiculous thing she'd ever done. Never to be topped, never to be outdone, the pinnacle, the fucking zenith of Karma being Karma.

Until, you know, right fucking now.

He wasn't the plan and that was mostly because he was him, but also because you really didn't have a plan. You never have a plan because you always have Karma and that's her job, that's her role, that's her end of the fucking ship.

She plans, you follow. That's how it's always been and that's how you've always let it be because, let's face it, sometimes you do need a little guidance, a little steering. Sometimes, left to your own devices, you do… things.

(Liam Booker or croquembouche or hump day kinds of things.)

Though, you've gotta admit, lately you've needed a little less steering and a little less guiding and you've kinda grown fond of your own devices (and not just the one you won at lesbingo) but you've still let Karma keep at least one hand on the wheel at all times.

And this is what that gets you.

This is you. You in a pretty - if somewhat short - dress (boys like dresses) (short dresses especially.) You in a dress, on a date, with a boy (a boy you plan on kissing at midnight) (kissing again) (cause you're giving up) (and maybe a little cause you think it will piss Karma off.)

You in a dress on a date with a boy at a party you don't like for a holiday you think is ridiculous (new year) (same you) with a tradition that ranks among the dumbest of all time (unless there's someone you want to kiss.)

(Your eyes totally don't drift to Sabrina.)

(someone you want to kiss who wants to kiss you back.)

(Your eyes totally do drift away.)

This is you seeing Karma come around the corner in a green dress that's cut down to… well… somewhere you haven't thought about going in quite some time and if she were alone you might be thinking about visiting (and setting up camp) (and maybe moving in) (at least building a summer home) but that's the thing.

She's not alone.

Fuck.

This is what you get for letting her plan.

"What is she doing here?" you ask (whisper) (hiss) (say loud enough that everyone hears but you only care that she hears and that all she hears is the disdain and anger and disgust.)

(And not, you know, the 'I've really missed you' or the 'God, you look beautiful' or - especially - the 'say something, say anything, just make it better'.)

Whether she hears that or not, Sabrina doesn't say anything and from the look she shoots Karma, you've got a pretty good idea why. She's been coached up, she's been instructed, she's been 'let me handle this'-ed.

Even when it's not about Karma, it's about Karma.

"You've got to be kidding me," you mutter, and you can see it in Karma's eyes that same look she gets when she knows that you know how ridiculous whatever it is she's planning is but she's gonna go through with it anyway.

Never let anyone say Karma isn't committed.

"Karma?" Three heads and six eyes snap over to Felix (and you wonder if they forgot he was there too.) "What's going on?"

What's going on, you think, is Karma's ruining the boy's date. She's bringing the ex (the fake ex) girlfriend to the party to… well… to…

To fucked if you know.

"I don't know what you're planning," you say to Karma (and very specifically ignoring Sabrina) (and… him.) "But… this?" you wave a hand between you and Sabrina, "is not happening. This happened and this is done."

Point made. Anger shown. Law laid down and line drawn and you can totally stalk off in an angry huff now.

You can. And you will. Any second now. Any moment. Any…

Fuck.

"I don't care what she has to say, Karma," you say, which would have totally been proven by some angry huff stalking but your point is sort of ruined by you still standing there. "Whatever bullshit she's spun to get you to bring her here? Won't work on me. I see who she is now."

Fuck yeah, you do. You see right through her. You see right through those deep brown eyes (full of lies) and that silky dark hair (she probably colors it) and those soft soft lips (that speak falsehoods) and that (probably forked) tongue…

(Yeah. This is definitely one of those hating Karma moments.)

"She lied, Karma. She fucking lied." Yeah she did and the way she flinches at the word just reinforces your point and yeah, score one for you. "A leopard never changes its spots, remember?"

"Technically, a leopard can't change its spots," Felix says.

Such a hating Karma moment.

"I remember," Karma says with a nod. "But maybe I'm not the one who has to."

She steps toward you and takes one of your hands in hers and you're really proud that you don't pull away.

"Maybe you need to remember," Karma says. "What it was like to kiss a girl for all the wrong reasons only…" she pauses and her eyes flick back - just for a second - to Sabrina and you see it, so fucking clear, that Karma still doesn't like her. "Only to find your whole world tipped upside down and even though it was for all the wrong reasons -"

"It was right," Sabrina says softly and you feel Karma's grip on you tighten, like she's holding on for dear life and there's tears in her eyes, like the night of the wedding or the night at Communal or the day you got on that bus.

And then Karma does what she always does, just when you think you might actually hate her and it might really last and you can't believe how fucking stubborn and selfish she can be.

She lets go.

"Maybe you should remember," she says to you and if there aren't tears in her eyes, they're definitely in her voice. "Remember how familiar that sounds."

She reaches beside you and takes Felix by the hand, leading him out onto the dance floor, leaving you and Sabrina there, alone, or as alone as two people with about a metric ton of crap between them can be. And yeah, it's mostly her crap (lies and secrets and confusions) but maybe there's a little of yours in there too.

Or, you know, more than a little.

She doesn't say anything and you don't say anything and the band plays on in the background and somewhere out there Karma is in Felix's arms (and you're not as sure as you were five minutes ago that that's where she wants to be) and somewhere else out there Lauren and Liam are pretending to be a couple (like that ever ends well.) The universe isn't just a bunch of dicks, it's absolutely insane.

And you've got no idea what it wants anymore cause here you are. Standing with a girl you want to hate but kinda love (it was only four days) (but sometimes it doesn't take more than one) being shoved together by the girl your world had revolved around for so long, and there's the tiniest flicker of hope in your heart (even if you don't want there to be) and isn't that just like the fucking universe?

It giveth and it taketh away. And then it giveth again.

Sabrina holds out a hand to you and you stare at it for a long moment and there's nothing you want more than to take it.

Nothing.

But that would be following your heart. And where does that get you?

Oh. Right. Nowhere.

You walk past her without so much as brushing your fingers against hers and you hear the air rush out of her lungs and that, that gut punch world ending fall to the floor and never get back up feeling?

That you remember.

"Maybe," you say, stopping but not looking back at her. "Maybe I remember and maybe I understand and maybe…" You look back at her, at her hand, still outstretched, waiting for you.

Maybe.

You look back out at the dance floor and you can't see Felix or Karma and maybe that's a sign. And Sabrina is still standing there, heart on her sleeve (if, you know, her dress had any) and hand held out. And maybe that's a sign.

Maybe there all signs, maybe there all the universe's way of trying to show you it's way over complicated and like it was written by a bunch of monkeys at typewriters (or idiot showrunners) not very simple at all plan.

Or maybe the universe is just content to leave you to your own devices.

"You've got five minutes," you tell her before you start walking again (not in a huff, angry or otherwise) and you hear her hustling to keep up and you're sure that you're absolutely not sure what you're doing. Not even a little.

You just know that you're following your heart. And yeah, that's always led you nowhere.

But nowhere is better than here.

Maybe.