Under My Nose
Edward Cullen sets a deadline of six months to find his true love before he turns thirty. Leaving his successful restaurant to drive a mule-drawn carriage in the French Quarter of New Orleans, he searches for the meaning of true love, because he has yet to understand it. Will he know when he finds her or will she be right under his nose? Can bubbly, buxom Bella tantalize his taste buds with beignets and an abundant
booty?
A/N: Thank you to the readers who review every chapter. There are a handful of you. I appreciate the love, and I find your input very helpful. When we get into further chapters, I will send you another surprise. Again, thank you for your constant support in bringing those review numbers up.
And thank you to the readers who follow and favorite that I am unable to send a thank you PM.
As of now, we will have 44 chapters including an epi all outlined. Then again, this story takes on its own life. We will see.
You will find pictures on my author's page of Sally's house, the tent, the wedding aisle, the cake, Bella's dress, shoes, bouquet and garter, Sally's dress, Esme's dress, Mama Jean's dress, The tuxedos. A picture of Julia and a picture of her headdress. If there is something you want to see, please let me know.
Sorry for the late update, but Fan Fiction was having some issues... BUT the story was ready!
Chapter 41:
EPOV: End of March - March 31
I laugh to myself as I watch my father and Richard head into the kitchen sniffing out more cake. They both turn at the door, to get my approval. With my slight nod, they disappear. Dad now has a partner in crime with an equal obsession for sweets. I wonder if they will go on sugar binges together while Mom and Sally go shopping.
Emmett and Jasper sit at the bar chugging down their beers .
"So, which one of us is the Best Man, Edward?" Emmett bluntly asks.
I down my beer and go for another behind the bar. "This is not going to be the average, run of the mill wedding. It being on fucking April Fool's Day is the first big sign we can expect anything to fucking happen."
Jasper clears his throat. "Look man, we learned how to walk together, but I will understand if you want Emmett to stand up for you."
Emmett coughs, "Yeah, we'll I was thinking the same thing. I think of Jazz as a bro."
"And I can't choose one over the fucking other, so Bella and I decided to have two people stand for us. She has her friend, BB, and Alice. I want the two of you." I put my bottle down and squeeze their shoulders. "Julia's our flower mule."
Charlie enters through the front door and walks up to the bar. "I'm sorry I missed dinner. They were moving Renee to another room."
"Did you eat anything?" I ask and hand him a beer. "You look as though you need this.
"Oh yeah, I ate with Renee, thanks." He clears his throat and huffs. "Was Bella angry I wasn't here?"
"No, Charlie, she was fine. She understood. Sally had her out most of the day dress shopping." I rub my neck. "I know Renee's pretty upset over the fact she won't be attending the wedding."
He grunts. "That's an understatement."
"Well, I think I have a solution."
Dad and Richard walk in from the kitchen. Richard wipes a smudge of chocolate from his face. "Hey, Charlie."
We all grab a seat at a table. Jasper brings beers for Dad and Richard.
"What do you have in mind, Edward?" Charlie asks and takes a sip.
"I have a friend who owns a TV station. I spoke with him, and he agreed to do this as a gift to Bella and me. His crew will film the ceremony and reception on closed circuit TV for Renee. She'll have a private showing as though she is sitting in the crowd."
"Can he record it?" Charlie asks.
"Yeah," I smile. "Bella and I are going to visit Renee and give her the news."
"Bro, I have no idea why you would do this after what she has done." Emmett angrily spits.
"It's all Bella. She refuses to wallow in this hatred. Now, that she knows Sally is her biological mother, she feels free," I explain.
"I get it." Jasper nods his head. "It's like releasing a demon." He looks around cautiously.
"Either way, you got some girl there, Son. "Carlisle beams.
Jasper enthusiastically waves his hands. "Man, I like her. She straightened Alice right out, and now, some nights I get to sleep ."
Richard chuckles. "She's a younger version of Sally." He looks at me. "You won't be bored, Edward."
And my shining light walks into the room. "Don't I know it." I don't take my eyes off of her.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
The following day I get a haircut - well, a trim. Bella likes the length and doesn't want me to look as though I have a haircut for the ceremony. I think I understand her reasoning.
But it's Emmett who talks me in for a massage, mani-pedi shit and a facial. He takes care of his body through proper diet and exercise. Ha, I learn he also moisturizes his face with mud facials; uses massage therapy for relaxation, stress management, and deep tissue work. He also has his cuticles removed with manicures and has a pedicure for his for that finished look …
And he waxes his pubic area.
TMI.
TMI.
Jasper and I stand in shock over his bare balls. "You have got to be fucking kidding me."
He grabs himself. "It's liberating. When those little Honeys go down on my rock-hard rod, there's no hair to choke on. I'm a large guy of massive length and girth, but I'm smooth and clean."
Jasper and I cringe.
"Don't look at me that way! I set you both up for waxing. Don't be pussies. Besides, Bella and Alice will thank me." He smugly nods.
Jasper whispers in my ear and grabs my forearm. "Please, don't leave me alone in this place."
I whisper back, "I won't. I'm pretty scared, too."
Emmett walks past us mumbling, "Fucking wimps."
I enter a changing room, pull off my jacket, take my jeans, T-shirt, boxers, sneakers and socks off, and then put on a terrycloth robe and these weird thong slippers.
The three of us stick together in one room. The mudpack is cooling and comfortable on my face. When the mud hardens around my jaw, I smile broadly feeling the mud crumble. I look over at Jasper, and he is doing the same fucking thing. He waves his feet around in the footbath for our man-pedis. Some of the mud falls into his water. He nods a 'sorry' to the attendant as she picks it out.
With my wrinkled feet, the technician scrapes off the excess skin on my heels and pads of my feet, files down the toenails and pushes the cuticles back. She then rubs cream all over my feet and up my calves. The leg massage relaxes me.
Emmett nods with a smirk as he leans back and allows the attendant to massage his thighs.
I only get testy when she wants to paint the nails. Emmett yells at me to use clear, and I say, "They don't need clear, they already are!"
Jasper says he likes the red, but Alice would kill him. He gets a natural paint job on his toes and fingernails, as does Emmett. I can't bring myself that far. It's neat and clean, I'm good.
My face feels great after the mud is removed. It's actually soft and very smooth.
I receive help out of the pedi chair and lie back onto a cushioned table. The attendant opens my robe, exposing me, but places a warm towel over my dick. Then, I wait.
Jasper lies down on a table next to mine with a warm towel over his dick, and we stare at one another clueless to what happens next.
His attendant quickly smears something over his balls, Jasper eyes roll back into his head, she covers the goop with strips of fabric and speedily rips them off. He sits straight up, cups his balls and a long, drawn-out, high-pitched wail escapes from his mouth. Tears run down his cheeks, he takes a deep breath, he reaches for me, and with mouth open, nothing comes out … maybe a small whimper.
I watch him in terror not realizing that my attendant does the same to me. By the time I am aware of the strips, she already rips the hair from my nut sacks. I scream, "Fuck! Mother Fucking, Cock sucker! What the hell is this! Emmett, I'm going to fucking rip your balls off. Jesus!"
Emmett stands with his hands on his hips. A picture of Mr. Clean comes to mind. Totally naked with his balls full and ready, the attendant smears the goop, lays the strips and pulls with all her might.
He smiles.
My fucking brother doesn't flinch, doesn't scream, doesn't cry. The fucker laughs.
He looks at Jazz, then me, and laughs.
"Pussies!"
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
We try to walk up the stairs. I hold onto Jasper as he holds onto me taking each step slowly and carefully.
Emmett follows behind snickering.
"I should have prepared you two for this, but I had no idea you were going to be such fucking babies. So, you had a little hair removed. In a few days, all will be fine. You won't feel stubble for months. Then, you'll wax again."
Jasper spits at Emmett, "I am not doing this again. I feel as if my balls have been burned."
"Jazz, they used hot wax. Jesus, get a grip." Emmett admonishes.
We continue with each step. Emmett whisks past us. "Like two old men!"
I groan, "You have balls of steel!"
"Damn, fucking straight, I do. I never acted this way my first time," he says proudly.
Jazz softly huffs. "You could have gotten us drunk, and then we wouldn't have cared."
"The place doesn't do alcohol or drugs, They need … you … sober."
He opens the door to a waiting Bella and Alice. They look in horror as we enter the apartment.
Alice runs to Jasper. "What happened?"
Bella takes my hand. "Were you in an accident?"
Emmett happily betrays us. "I took them to the spa. They got manis, pedis, massages, facials, and their pubic hair removed."
Alice stares at Bella.
Bella bites her cheek.
They don't say anything, but I can see them silently communicating. They turn their backs on us, and we can see their shoulders shake. Oh, our girls are upset for us.
Bella wipes her eyes. Tears, my love sheds tears for my pain. She bends at the waist and moans. Alice moves to her side and places an arm around her shoulder. Again, they tremble.
I walk slowly to her side and, then I see Bella and Alice holding their laughter back.
She looks up at me apologizing, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry." The laughter begins.
At first, there are small giggles, a few snorts and, then the howls, and the can't catch the breath hysterics.
Bella tries to control herself, but every time she stops, Alice starts all over again.
Jasper and I sit carefully on the sofa next to one another and watch our women roll all over the floor in fetal positions, profusely apologizing with high-pitched, 'I'm sorrys'.
Emmett comes out of the kitchen with a sandwich, sits on the arm of the sofa and watches them.
"You know you're stupid when your women roll around like that!" He takes a huge bite and walks toward the door. "A little cocoa butter might help."
Emmett walks out.
Jasper collects himself. "Can you stop laughing? Jesus, I did this for you, Alice."
She sits up, taking in her last laugh. "Why?"
"Because I'm all smooth, relaxed … Well, I will be relaxed." He sighs and scratches his head. "We can make a baby."
She drops her head in disappointment. "I'm so sorry, Jazz."
She crawls over to Jasper. He waves her off his lap and she sits next to him. "I'm really sorry."
Bella looks at me. "And what's your excuse for this hair-brained idea?"
I cross my arms over my chest. "I thought it would please you."
She carefully kneels between my legs. "You silly, silly man, you already please me. I'm going to kill Emmett." She smiles. "I'll challenge him to another thumb wrestling bout at the wedding and rip his digit off!"
Jasper and Alice decide to stay the night and slowly walk toward the guest room.
I lean over and hold Bella. "I don't know how you women do this waxing thing. Fuck, it was painful."
"It's okay, Baby, you weren't meant for waxing. Just wait, in a few months, you're going to itch like hell when the hair grows in."
I moan, "Fuck."
She lightly giggles. "Sorry, so sorry."
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
I get up early, take a shower with my soft jet spray and leave a note for Jasper to take a shower in my room. I think this will help his sore area.
Bella and I head out to the rehab facility to visit with Renee. We don't ride our bikes for my obvious reason, but Emmett left his Vette for me and took my bike.
We find Renee in her single room thumbing through a magazine. The room is a pale pink with green leaves for wallpaper. She sits upright with her one leg in a semi-cast, and smiles as we enter the room. "Bella. Edward."
Renee urges Bella for a hug, but it's a little awkward for her to show any affection. She breaks away quickly and sits in one of the chairs across from the bed. I carefully lower myself to the chair.
Renee questions, "Are you all right, Edward?"
"Just had a slight accident, but I'll be fine." I answer.
"Ah, Edward has an idea about the wedding," Bella stammers.
I explain to Renee about my friend and his proposal to film the wedding and pre-wedding preparations on closed circuit TV for her.
"Oh my, then I will be able to see Bella walk down the aisle?" she excitedly quizzes.
"Yes, you will see the reception, too." Bella adds. "And Dad said after the father/daughter dance, he will come here and watch with you."
She sorrowfully sighs. "Well, I don't want him to miss out on anything, because of me."
"He wants to be here. I think you both need some time … together." Bella barely whispers, and Renee nods her head.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
After two days of warm compresses, Tylenol and no sex, my balls return to their happy self. I stand in the bathroom inspecting their nudity as Bella walks in collecting her toiletries.
She nonchalantly waves her hand. "Are the boys all right there?"
I nod. "Yeah, back to normal. Did you want to check them out?"
"As much as I find your fine, testicular specimens of manhood tempting and delicious I have to get over to wedding central. You have your bachelor party, and I have …" She wiggles her eyebrows.
I wrap my arms around her waist standing behind her. "What are you going to do for your bachelorette party?"
"Beautify myself for the wedding. You see, I have this phenomenal looking fiancé." She turns, runs her hands up my arms dangerously slow. "And I want to look just as beautiful."
I bend down and capture her lips with mine grinding my bare balls into her stomach.
She pulls away. "Okay, Casanova, keep the family jewels to yourself, tonight." She cups me. "These are mine, and tomorrow we put it in writing."
"You own them." I kiss her hard, and whine, "I'll miss you tonight. I don't want to sleep with Jazz."
She smiles. "Oh Edward." Tears start to run down her face. "I'm not going to say something glib and ridiculous." She touches my face. "I love you so very much. I'll see you tomorrow." She begins to walk away, but turns. "See you down the aisle … I'll be the one in white."
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
Loud music blares overhead with a vibrating bass, pounding a steady beat as Dad and his new buddy Richard, along with Jasper, Emmett, and me sit in black-velvet, barrel chairs in front of black-lacquered, round tables in a strip club on Bourbon Street. There are many dance sections throughout the bar. It's far from small, being it's over eighteen-thousand square feet.
Emmett is all about tradition. So we are about to 'skank' it up.
The first dancer of the evening enters from an illuminated, purple-curtained doorway and steps up onto the hexagon-shaped stage. Colorful, neon lights of lime green and hot pink, trim the six sections standing out in the dim light of the room. The statuesque, honey blonde twirls her cascade of long curls as she grabs hold of the dancer's pole swinging her body off the hexagon floor spinning with her lengthy legs, and spreading them wide apart. Withn each movement, she loses a piece of her costume. Bella's boobs would be all over the place on this thing.
I watch in utter fascination and wonder if Bella would allow me to place a pole in our bedroom.
Emmett buys a round of drinks, hands some guy a wad of bills and winks at me.
No sooner does Blondy jump off the stage, a voluptuous, fiery redhead in a sparkly red bikini dances around the edge of the stage. She bends towards me and shakes her fake tah tahs in my face. Emmett walks up beside me, hands me money and stick my hand in her cleavage.
She gives me this hungry look, sticking her tongue over her lips. A quick look at Emmett, she smiles and hops onto my lap, gyrating her heat all over me, running her hands through my hair and shaking her boobs all around my jaw. She whispers, "I can take you upstairs for a private, lap dance … if you like."
I smile and thank her, but decline. "I'm getting married tomorrow."
She laughs. "That never stopped me."
I get up. "But it stops me." I look at Emmett. "I'm going to take a piss."
I walk back into the hallway and call Bella.
"Hey, Baby, what are you doing?" I ask.
"Missing you and getting my nails done. How's it going?" she asks.
"Bored. A stripper wanted to take me upstairs for a private lap dance." I complain.
"Do you think I could take her?" Bella growls like a man.
I laugh. "You could wipe the floor with her."
"Then, I'll bring my mop." She giggles and sexily whispers, "You know, I could give you a lap dance."
"I'm sure you could. Oh, by the way, can we get a pole for the bedroom?"
"Sure, if you'll let me have a mirror over the bed," she coos.
"Maybe some whips and chains?" I kid.
She hums. "More liiiiike feathers and tickle sticks."
"Tickle sticks?" I laugh.
"Yeah, tickle your pickle.
Stickle your dickle.
Maneuver my Hoover …
to your Groover!"
I shake my head, smiling. "Can I get that in writing, Baby?"
"Tomorrow," she whispers.
"Tomorrow," I repeat.
Emmett yells for me, "Edward, get over here! I can't get Jasper off the pole!"
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
See? It's the quiet ones you have to watch out for!
Red polish.
Stripper poles…
Whoo hoo, Jasper.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
A/N: Thank you to my Beta, Fran. I appreciate her time, her proper grammar and quick pen. Another great find by PAD!
To Robseve and Postapocalypticdepository (PAD), my pre-readers that give their unselfish time and creative input. Both of these ladies are inspirations and true friends.
Now, let me rec Postapocalypticdepository stories, since she so graciously rec'd mine.
Skater Boy and Boarder Girl: 10137826
Never Judge by the Cover: 9056924
Boys Will Be: 8868006
Rude Awakenings: 8876785
It's a New Dawn, It's a New Year: 8862243 (complete)
And to: Midnight-Confessions 9182601 by ohgeefantasy
Careless Hearts 9881551 by ohgeefantasy
Pudding Cup: 10189248 (Entry in The Bad Boys of Twilight Contest. Awards: First Place Public Vote & Two Judges)
And to: Edward Cullen FBI Special Agent and Psychic 9626040 by Dinia Steel (complete)
Sequel: Edward Cullen & Friends - Down on the Bayou 10204063
And a shout out rec to: BURN 8999279 by compass54
Also, found this story: Finally in Phoenix 9987411 by laughablelamb
AND: A Crack in the Door 8874295 by jane-with-a-y
AND:New Beginning 10175667 by LadyBeck
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
And thank you to all the readers, whether you review or not. I enjoy every comment and suggestion. Yes, NOLA (New Orleans, LA) is an exciting place to live. And to combine the old world with the new is a challenge, but the humor is quite a serious business. My objective is for all of you to smile, after each chapter.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
Recipes:
For Bachelor Party
Beef Fajita Nachos
Flank steak:
1 whole steak
½ cup olive oil
2 whole limes, juiced
4 whole canned chipotle peppers, with a little sauce
4 cloves garlic, peeled
Cilantro, handful
Nachos:
2 yellow whole onions
2 whole bell peppers, cored and sliced
olive oil for frying
Sturdy tortilla chips
cheese, 8 oz (Cheddar or Jack), grated
Guacamole
salsa
sour cream
To prepare the steak: Combine olive oil, lime juice, garlic, chipotle peppers, and cilantro in the bowl of a food processor or a blender. Blend until totally combined. Place flank steak into a large plastic bag or baking dish. Pour in marinade and make sure it adequately coats the meat. Seal bag or cover tightly and refrigerate for 24 hours at least.
When ready to make the nachos, preheat oven to 350 degrees. Heat an outdoor grill or an indoor grill pan (or you can use a skillet). Drizzle a little olive oil on the grill and grill the meat over very high heat, about 4 minutes per side. (Turn 45 degrees halfway through on both sides to get nifty grill marks.) Remove steak from grill and set aside to rest.
In a large skillet, heat a couple of tablespoons of olive oil over medium-high heat. Add onions and peppers and cook for 3 to 5 minutes, or until vegetables are somewhat soft and starting to get black bits. Remove from heat and set aside.
Slice half of the flank steak into strips against the grain, then chop slices into smaller bites. Place sauteed veggies on a cutting board and roughly chop to get them into smaller pieces.
Arrange tortilla chips on a large ovenproof platter (or cookie sheet.) Sprinkle plenty of cheese all over the top. Place platter in oven for 3 minutes or so, just long enough to melt the cheese (but not burn the chips.) Remove from oven, then generously sprinkle peppers, onions, and chopped steak all over the top. Return to oven for no more than another minute-just long enough to heat up the meat and peppers (but not cook the meat all the way through.)
Remove from oven and plop guacamole all over the top. Serve immediately with salsa and sour cream.
Bacon Wrapped Tator Tots
24 tater tots, partially defrosted (15 minutes at room temperature)
12 strips center-cut bacon, cut in half crosswise
24 (1/2-inch) chunks sharp cheddar cheese
24 drops Tabasco sauce
24 toothpicks
Preheat oven to 450 degrees F. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper or spray with nonstick spray.
Lay a piece of bacon on a flat surface. Place a tater tot on top. Using a sharp knife, gently cut a slit down the center of the tater tot. Wiggle a piece of cheese into the slit. Sprinkle Tabasco sauce on top. Wrap bacon tightly around the stuffed tater tot and secure with a toothpick. Repeat with remaining ingredients.
Bake 15 minutes, or until they appear to be cooked through and the bacon is crispy. Serve immediately.
Pepperoni Pizza Dip Sticks
¾ cup chopped pepperoni
1 can (15 oz) pizza sauce
4 green onions, finely chopped
1 can (2-¼ oz) sliced black olives, drained
½ teaspoon dried oregano leaves
1-¼ cup shredded mozzarella cheese
1 package (3 oz) cream cheese, softened
1 package (8 oz) refrigerated breadstick dough
1 Tablespoon butter, melted
2 teaspoons minced parsley
In a heavy pot, over medium heat, combine pepperoni, sliced olives, green onions, oregano and pizza sauce. Cook until heated through, about 5-7 minutes.
Add cream cheese and mozzarella cheese. Stir until melted and mixture is well combined. Turn heat to low while preparing the breadsticks. Stir occasionally.
Remove breadsticks from tube and cook according to package directions. If you are really fancy, clever and an over-achiever, you could make these from scratch.
When breadsticks are finished baking, brush with melted butter and sprinkle with parsley.
Grilled Guacamole
4 ripe avocados, cut in half, pit removed, left in skin
Olive oil, for brushing the avocados
Juice of 1 large lime
1 clove garlic, minced
1 tablespoon diced jalapeno
3 tablespoons diced red onion
½ cup chopped tomatoes
⅓ cup freshly chopped cilantro
Salt and black pepper, to taste
Heat the grill to medium heat. Lightly brush each avocado half with olive oil.
Place the avocado halves flesh side down on the grill. Grill for about 5-7 minutes or until the avocados have black grill marks.
Remove the avocados from the grill and let them cool to room temperature. Scoop out the avocado flesh and place in a medium bowl. Smash the avocados with a fork and stir in the lime juice, garlic, jalapeno, onion, and cilantro. Season with salt and pepper, to taste. Serve with tortilla chips.
Baked Barbecued Onion Rings
1 cup barbecue sauce
2 large eggs, lightly beaten
4 tablespoon all-purpose flour
3 cups Panko bread crumbs
2 large sweet onions, sliced ½" rings
cooking spray
Preheat oven to 450 degrees. Place two baking sheets in the oven and let those preheat too.
In a medium bowl, whisk together barbecue sauce, eggs and flour.
Place bread crumbs in a separate bowl.
Using tongs (or your fingers) dip onion slice in the barbecue sauce mixture, shake the excess off and then dunk on all sides into the bread crumbs. Lay on a cool baking sheet. Repeat until all onion slices have been dunked.
Remove hot baking sheets from the oven and spray lightly with cooking spray. Move coated onions to hot baking sheets. Spray the coated onions lightly with cooking spray.
Bake for about 6 minutes, or until golden, then use tongs to turn each onion ring over. Spray the other side of the onions with cooking spray and bake for an additional 5 to 7 minutes. Watch closely to make sure they crumbs are not browning too quickly or burning.
Remove from oven and serve immediately.
Barbecued baby Back Ribs
2 racks baby back ribs
2 liter bottle of Dr. Pepper
¼ cup salt
2 tablespoons chili powder
1 cup water
½ teaspoon olive oil
1 onion, minced
2 cloves garlic, minced
½ cup ketchup
2 tablespoons brown sugar
2 tablespoons Worchestershire
2 tablespoons cider vinegar
¼ teaspoon cayenne pepper
Place ribs in a large baking dish and cover with most of the Dr. Pepper. (save ½ cup for later) Add the salt and soak the ribs 2-24 hours in the frig.
Heat oven at 350 degrees F.
Remove ribs from liquid and place ribs on baking sheet and pat well with chili powder. Pour water into baking sheet. cover with foil. Bake for two hours.
While the ribs are on the oven, heat the oil in a small pot over medium the onion and garlic, until they are dpft. Add ketchup, brown sugar, Worcestershire, apple cider vinegar, cayenne, and the rest of the Dr. Pepper. Simmer for 15-20 minutes.
Once the ribs have done their thing for 2 hours, remove from the oven and fire up the grill. Liberally brush the ribs with bbq sauce. When the grill is hot, cook them for 7-8 minutes on each side so they get the nice charred flavor. Remove from grill and add more sauce if desired
Bacon Meatballs
1 pound hardwood smoked bacon
12 ounces ground beef, 80/20 preferred
8 ounces ground pork
2 teaspoons salt
2 teaspoons smoked paprika
2 teaspoons dry oregano
½ teaspoon ground fennel
½ teaspoon freshly cracked black pepper
½ teaspoon, or more to taste, crushed red pepper
1 egg
Begin by preparing the bacon.
Cut the bacon into 1-inch pieces and place into the bowl of a food processor. Pulse the bacon until it is evenly ground and no large chunks of bacon remain.
In a large bowl combine the bacon with the remaining ingredients. Mix gently until evenly combined. Scoop the meatballs into 1½-inch balls, making sure not to compress the balls while shaping. Place on a parchment lined pan and chill, uncovered, for at least two hours.
Heat the oven to 400F. Once the meatballs are chilled heat a non-stick skillet over medium heat. Working in batches, add the meatballs and brown thoroughly on all sides. Transfer to a baking sheet until the rest of the meatballs are browned.
Bake the meatballs until the meatballs reach an internal temperature of 160 F, about 10 to 15 minutes. Cool slightly before serving.
Root Beer Pulled Pork Sandwiches
1 (5 to 6 pound) bone-in pork shoulder/butt roast
1 envelope dried onion soup mix (or dehydrated onions)
salt and pepper
1 can root beer
2 cups barbecue sauce, divided
buns
Trim roast of excess fat. It's okay to leave some on there- just get rid of the large, visible slabs.
Place roast on a work surface and sprinkle with onion soup mix. Use clean hands to rub the mix into the meat, reaching underneath to reach all sides. Sprinkle generously with salt and pepper. Place seasoned roast in your slow cooker.
In a medium bowl, whisk together root beer and 1/2 cup barbecue sauce. Pour over the roast in the slow cooker. Place lid on the slow cooker and cook on LOW heat for 10 to 11 hours, or until internal temperature is above 190 degrees F. and meat is tender enough to pull away from the bone.
Remove roast to a cutting board and let sit to cool for just a few minutes. Pour out all but about 3/4 cup of the juices from the slow cooker. Use two forks to shred the pork, cutting around and discarding any fatty pieces. Place all of your pulled pork back into your slow cooker. Add about 1 1/2 cups of barbecue sauce. Stir to combine and place the lid back on. Heat on HIGH for about 15 to 20 minutes, just until pork and juices are hot and bubbly. Use this time to heat up buns and get the rest of your meal ready.
Scoop pulled pork on to buns and serve immediately.
Guinness Cupcakes
For the cupcakes:
1 12 oz Guinness Stout
½ cup of milk
½ cup vegetable oil
1 tablespoon pure vanilla extract
3 large eggs
¾ cup sour cream
¾ cup unsweetened cocoa
2 cups sugar
2 ½ cups all-purpose flour
1 ½ teaspoon baking powder
For the Vanilla Bean Buttercream:
1 stick salted butter, room temp
1 stick unsalted butter, room temp
½ cup shortening
1 tablespoon clear vanilla extract
1 ½ lbs confectioner's sugar
4 tablespoons, very cold milk
For Cupcakes:
Preheat the oven to 350°F.
In a large mixing bowl, combine the Guinness, milk, vegetable oil, and vanilla. Beat in the eggs, one at a time. Mix in the sour cream.
In a large mixing bowl, whisk together the cocoa, sugar, flour, and baking soda. Gradually mix the dry ingredients into the wet Guinness mixture.
Butter 24 muffin tins and divide the batter among the muffin tins.
Bake 25 minutes, until risen and set in the middle but still soft and tender. Cool before turning out of the tins.
For Buttercream:
Cream the butter and shortening in the bowl of an electric or stand mixer.
Add the clear vanilla extract and combine well. Begin adding in the sugar and mixing thoroughly after each addition.
After all of the sugar has been added and mixed thoroughly, begin adding the very cold milk one tablespoon at a time, combining very well after each addition (mixer on medium-high to high speed) until you reach the desired consistency.
Beer Popsicles
6 Limes
6 teaspoons of Light Agave Nectar
6 cans of beer
6 wooden skewers, sticks or plastic utensils
1 bowl for each can of beer
6 plastic party cups (optional)
Open Cans: There are two methods to making these popsicles. The first is made in the can where you'll have to remove some of the beer before adding in the extras (see: drink). You'll want to "remove" roughly 1/4 of the can so it doesn't expand into a beer volcano in your freezer (just trust us on this one). The other method is to pour the entire contents of the can into a plastic party cup. You'll be able to freeze the entire beer, but it will require buying said cups, so the choice is up to you. Either way, open your cans.
Add In Agave & Lime: When adding in the lime, we found it just as easy to juice the lime directly over the can or cup (instead of into a bowl first). Make sure your limes have been softened a little first by rolling them on the counter or popping them in the microwave for 10 seconds. Stir the contents of the cup or can until mixed (15 seconds).
Add Sticks: You can use almost anything in the kitchen as a stick if you don't want to purchase popsicle sticks (we used plastic silverware and bamboo skewers). Just be aware that anything wooden inserted into the mix should be moistened first. Either a quick dip in the beer or with water, this is a step that can't be skipped. If you do, your mixture will bubble and foam for roughly 20 minutes. There's a good chance (like it did in our kitchen) that it will bubble right over the edge of your container and escape to the counter and potentially floor. Note: Check the photo above for tips on inserting your stick through the pop tab to hold it in place)
Time To Freeze: The length of time each popsicle will take to freeze is determined by two things. The first being your freezer's temperature and the other is how well your mix was, well... mixed, so make sure all the agave and lime is combined! We placed each can or cup in a small bowl to catch any escaping juices and although this is an optional step, we highly suggest it for your first few attempts. Allow to freeze solid for 3-4 hours or overnight.
Removal: If you used the party cup method, removing the pop from the can is as simple as giving it a twist and it should pop right out. If you used the can, here's what we suggest. Use a serrated knife to cut off the bottom and slide the pop out of the can. We don't like the idea of keeping the pop in the can for fear of cutting ourselves, so if you're worried about drips, use a small plastic bowl on the bottom to catch the juices.
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Next up: BPOV