The gnawing pain in his stomach was what finally woke Blaine up. He mumbled, and sleepily patted at his belly, urging it to behave because boy, was sleep the more preferable option right now. But, as it always did, the urge for food was greater, and, with a haggard sigh, Blaine opened his eyes in the darkened room, sleepily reaching for his phone to check the time given the relative silence about him. Nick probably had gone to sleep early for once but had left the television on if the muted laughter he was hearing from just beyond was anything to go by.
He sat up a bit straighter as the phone in his hand didn't immediately light up as he tapped where a button should be. He smiled and the sleep left him as he realised that it was Kurt's phone in his hand. He was here, home, in Kurt's room. He reached over the empty side of the bed to pull the chain on Kurt's lamp, half-prepared to find his boyfriend slumped over asleep at his desk. The room was empty though, and, checking the time, Blaine saw that it was a little after eleven - not particularly late for him anymore, but certainly for his boyfriend.
He heard it then again; the muted sound of laughing and a shrieked protest and he chuckled. What he had sleepily thought was the television was the Hummel-Hudson brothers in the midst of what it sounded like was a good tussle. Blaine hadn't meant to sleep that long; Carole had offered to fix him something to eat before she went on a couple of errands, but Blaine had settled for a sandwich, wanting to having dinner with all of them together. Too bad, he thought with a hint of remorse, they had probably decided to just let him sleep. He stood, and stretched his arms above his head in a bone popping move.
Deciding against disturbing the brothers, Blaine bypassed Finn's room and headed down the stairs for a late night dinner. His smile grew as he heard the television in the living room.
"Hey," he said in greeting as he rounded the corner. As he had have expected given what he had heard from the television while approaching, Burt was sitting on the couch looking at his favourite show with a beer in one hand and a bowl of chips beside him.
"Awake now Blaine?" Burt said. "You and Kurt were knocked out cold when I checked on you."
"Kurt was with me?" he asked, dropping down, and with a grin, reached over to snag a few chips from his bowl. "He's in Finn's room right now."
"He woke up about an hour ago," Burt told him, after taking a swig from his drink, "hungry like you are now I suppose. There's a plate for you in the fridge."
"You're the best Burt!" Blaine gushed, jumping up.
"Only because I'm feeding you," Burt said with a laugh, waving him away.
"That too!" Blaine sing-songed happily, the promise of a home-made meal appealing to him more than he would have thought possible. It was an adequate cook, but it wasn't the same as having a plate of warmed food to fill you up.
Blaine was nearly done with his meal when he heard a mildly amused voice speak. "I left my boyfriend safely asleep in my bed."
"Your boyfriend got hungry," Blaine quipped around a mouthful, making a contented sound when, moments later, Kurt's arm wrapped around his shoulders and his chin settled into his curls.
"I missed you," Kurt murmured, and Blaine paused long enough to tilt his head up to allow Kurt to kiss his forehead.
"I missed you too. I would greet you properly but..."
"The gremlins in your tummy must be sated," Kurt teased, releasing him with a last kiss. "Your mom sent Carole a pie recipe a while ago."
"Momma's special pumpkin pie?" Blaine asked, perking up.
"Extra special," Kurt agreed, heading for the fridge, "Carole ended up having to make a second one and sticking it in the crisper to ensure that it didn't get gobbled up too."
"Finn still anti-vegetables?"
"He's in a phase. Rachel's vegan conversion backfired royally."
"Are they back together?"
"For now," Kurt answered, shrugging.
He picked up and held a knife by the handle with his teeth, before carrying over the pie settled upon two plates.
"That is not safe," Blaine commented, rising up to take it from his teeth.
Kurt didn't bother to answer, instead quickly setting out the two plates before taking the knife from him and slicing into it. "Are you tired?"
"Currently no," Blaine said, after a moment's thought, "That nap will tide me over for a while yet."
"Same for me. I expect copious amounts of cuddles once we get back upstairs."
"Your every wish is my command," Blaine said gallantly.
"As it should be," Kurt quipped, before popping a bit of pie into his mouth with an impish look on his face.
"Come here you," Blaine bid, wriggling his fingers in a come-hither motion after Kurt emerged from his bathroom, "Blaine wants cuddles."
"Kurt wants cuddles," he corrected, moving across to him before dropping down into his lap and snuggling closer, "you are just the facilitator to that demand."
"Whatever helps you sleep at night," Blaine murmured into his hair, his hands starting a gentle motion against his skin. "How are you?"
Kurt huffed, releasing his full weight back onto Blaine's, trusting him to take it, which he easily did. "Full. Happy. Nervous. Worried. Pain. Happy."
"Those are a lot of adjectives. Care to elaborate?"
"Full because we ate all that pie," he began, causing Blaine to snort in amusement. "Happy because we're cuddling. Nervous because we need to talk. Worried because Finn and the New Directions are performing tomorrow. Pain because my arm is hurting, and no I don't want to take any medication. Happy because you're here with me."
"Are you in a lot of pain? You hardly mention it to me anymore."
"That's because I don't want you to worry," he told him, "And despite my best efforts, you would the moment I told you that I was hurting."
"Are you hurting badly?" he asked, instantly on alert, something that drew a sigh from the teenager on his lap.
"No more than normal," he told him reassuringly.
"Have you been taking your meds as you're supposed to? I know I haven't really been checking up because Finn said he was keeping an eye on it, plus I didn't want to seem too pushy and..."
"Rambling," Kurt said shortly, twisting to put a finger on Blaine's lips to shush him. "I am fine. Trust me to know my limits Blaine."
"I don't like you in pain."
"I like the pain...in moderate doses," he amended, "please, let it be?"
Blaine nodded, mostly because he did not want Kurt to get angry with him, while making a note to check up on the pill bottles…just in case Kurt had decided that more than his pain medication was optional.
"That's your plotting face," Kurt noted, rolling his eyes before he returned to his previous position. "Finn left two tickets for Sectionals, just in case we want to go."
"Do you want to?"
"Yes," he murmured, starting to trace Blaine's knuckles with a finger, "but it's in McKinley."
"Oh."
"Yes oh. We'll decide in the morning?"
"That's fine," he agreed.
They were quite for several minutes, simply enjoying the pleasure of each other's company for so long after being separated for so long. Finally, Kurt stirred enough from the haze of comfort he was in to say, "I'm not mad at you Blaine," he murmured, "and I don't think that you cheated on me."
"You don't?" Blaine answered, stiffening slightly beneath him.
"Nuh-uh. I thought I was angry at you, but after a while, I realised that I was angrier with myself than anything else."
"What?" Blaine said, confused. Kurt grumbled in protest when Blaine's arms moved, lifting and settling him down beside him so that they could look at each other. "Why on earth were you angry with yourself? I was the wrong who did wrong."
"That's exactly why I got angry," Kurt responded, "because you think that you did something wrong. You just did what every other college boy would do. You went to a club, danced with someone and got...horny. There's nothing wrong with that, and the fact that you think that you did something wrong says wonders. I'm holding you back from the true college experience, and I'm sorry for that."
"Wow, wow, wow," Blaine said, grasping Kurt's shoulders, "I think you got it all wrong Kurt. You cannot blame yourself for what I did."
"You didn't do anything," Kurt hissed.
"I got aroused with someone that wasn't you Kurt."
"I know that Blaine. But it didn't escalate past that so it's fine, okay?"
Blaine lowered his head for several seconds, and Kurt reached over to rub at the light dusting of stubble on his cheek gently until he raised his eyes. Kurt sighed when he saw that his lashes were wet with tears, and he used his thumb to wipe them away even as Blaine gave him a watery smile.
"I had come here half expecting you to say that you didn't want to be with me any longer."
"Never honey," he whispered, bumping their foreheads together. "I think that there's some things we need to talk about, things that should change, things that need to change, but I definitely, definitely do not want to end what we have Blaine Devon Anderson. Do you?"
"No. You're my world Kurt."
"Perfect answer," he replied.
"God, I love you."
"I love you," Kurt told him softly.
They relished in that proclamation for a bit before, almost cautiously, Blaine spoke again. "You said that you were angry with yourself. I still don't think that I fully understand that."
"I'm holding you back."
"Holding me back how?"
It was Kurt's turn to lower his head, as he nipped his lip, wishing that he had not spoken that last bit after all. It was promising to lead the conversation down a very uncomfortable path.
"Poppet," Blaine probed, bending his head in an attempt to fix their gazes, "come on, speak to me."
"You know I cannot resist that name," Kurt protested.
"That's why I use it so sparingly," he teased softly, "now answer me Poppet. How do you think you are holding me back? You aren't by the way, but we might as well get to the root of this."
"Wasn't this about me reminding you of how much I don't blame you?" he said evasively.
"We've passed that already, I'd wager," Blaine answered, "we're still boyfriends who love each other dearly, so now let's work out our insecurities. Starting. With. Yours." He tapped Kurt's nose on each of the last three words.
"You have insecurities too?"
"Don't we all?"
"That makes me feel a bit better."
"Good. Now, from one insecure person to another, what's on your mind, Poppet?"
"Your life would be so much better if you didn't have to worry about me. I mean," he pressed on, before Blaine could interrupt, "the time you spend with me could be spent doing so many other things. You shouldn't have to worry about dirty dancing with someone, or getting home in time to Skype with me, or maybe even flirting back with those hot NYU students that exist no matter how much you say they don't."
"But I don't want to flirt with anyone else," Blaine said, slightly confused, "and why would I not want to talk to you?"
"Because you have better things to do!" Kurt ground out, "or you would if you weren't spending all of that time on me."
Blaine stared at him, trying to process what he was hearing. "Kurt, sweetheart, do you think that I don't want you? Is that what you're saying? That I don't want you in my life?"
"I'm saying that I'm too much in your life. You shouldn't have to deal with me and college. Don't you think I don't know that you would have finished that paper of yours ages ago if you hadn't been worrying about us? Maybe everything would have been easier if it wasn't for me."
"Are you serious?" Blaine asked incredulously. "Kurt, there is and will always be a place in my life for you."
"I don't think so. I'm just a burden for you."
"Why?" Blaine inquired, moving his hands to cup Kurt's face. "Kurt, why do you think I would find you a problem?"
Kurt shrugged. "I don't know why, Blaine. I just do."
"Have you felt this way for a while?"
He nodded as much as he could given Blaine's continued grip on his face.
"When did this start, Kurt? And why didn't you tell me?"
"Why should I tell you that I think I'm not good enough for you anymore? How was I supposed to say that you'd be so much better off forgetting about me and just enjoy college, huh? You would have just felt guilty and the least I could do was not inflict that upon you alongside everything else."
"How long Kurt?" Blaine pressed his voice rougher.
Kurt didn't answer, standing up abruptly. He reached into his side draw before withdrawing a thick, leathery book that Blaine recognised as a diary Carole had given him several months ago. He tossed it at him, and Blaine reflexively caught it.
"Late September," Kurt told him, turning away and heading to his bedroom door, "I'm going to make sure Finn's sleeping."
Blaine didn't bother to respond, knowing that Kurt was not going to offer him anything further beyond the diary in his hands. He didn't even really think that Kurt had wanted to say all those things to him, but it had erupted in the heat of the moment, and he didn't even know how to start processing it. What he could do at this moment was just read, and so he did.
Blaine didn't come on Skype last night. I waited hours for him. I could have texted him, but I didn't want to, because if he wasn't on Skype it means that he was busy and I didn't want to disturb him. Jeff says that Nick's already told him to not talk to him so much. Maybe Blaine's just too nice? I don't know.
I-I was just looking forward so much to showing him my hand and to hearing him say how proud he is of me. I made a fist, a fist! This is more than I ever thought I could do again, and I wanted to celebrate that with Blaine. Except, he isn't here. I
Blaine snapped the book shut, unable to read further. Wiping a hand over his face, he set the diary aside and stood up, moving to where he could look outside into the cloudy sky. And here he had thought he was the only one with insecurities. It seemed rather ironic that their worries existed on the opposite edge of the spectrum. But god, how were they going to fix this?