My Pet Peeve

Disclaimer: Naruto isn't mine.

"What is that thing anyway?"

"It looks like some kind of torture instrument." Naruto and Sasuke scowled at the strange metal contraption in front of them. Hidan wasn't as amused.

"It's a head massager. Hurry the fuck up." Normally he would've made some kind of joke about using it as a sex toy but he just couldn't be assed. He wanted to get out of there already.

"Just relax, we're not in a rush."

"You're lucky we even let you come with us." Hidan scowled at the Uchiha prick. Just Naruto on his own might've been manageable but with him as well this was boring as hell.

Shikamaru had been distracted by work and being easily bored, Hidan had jumped at the opportunity to leave the house. He'd never like people but he could at least deal with them nowadays. Not to mention the fact that he'd heard mention of Shikamaru's birthday. Seeing as he had failed to notice it last year, he felt he owed it to the boy to try and get him some kind of present. Preferably one that would get him laid. The problem was that Naruto and Sasuke were slow and annoying and kept looking at kitchen appliances like a newly married couple.

"Hey Hidan!" Naruto had noticed his attention drifting and had started clipping mini clothes pegs onto Sasuke's hair. "Isn't that adorable?"

"Nothing could make that adorable." Although he did find himself imagining the Uchiha in a pink gingham dress with pigtails. He stifled a laugh though. He didn't want them to think he liked them that much.

"What's wrong with you?"

"There are lots of things wrong with him."

"Fuck you." After the obligatory banter had concluded, they resumed their tour of the shop with Hidan following reluctantly. They had said they were going food shopping. And yet, they had ended up in a home store. For some reason Hidan had always had a strong hatred of those. Things like matching tea sets and different types of whisks seemed stupid to him. He wanted to take all those matching plates and throw them at unsuspecting couples. The imagery of this had him chuckling to himself like a crazy person.

If Shikamaru had been here he would've attempted it. Although the boy got annoyed he would eventually see the funny side. He'd even agree that these shops were shit. At least Hidan could satisfy himself by spelling out twat in every way he could (using magnets, buttons, coloured pens etc.) as they went round the shop.

It was while he was doing this with mugs (he hoped the shop assistant would notice and throw them out) that he noticed a couple at the other end of the shop. It took him a while to realise why it was that he kept looking at them. Then the penny dropped.

Holy shit. Of course he would be around. He did live in this town too. But he hadn't expected to see him. There were two things he felt; miserable and angry. Part of him wanted to freak out and the other part wanted to go over there and break something over the other guy's head. Instead he settled for the middle option and hid behind a pot display.

"Hidan?" Shit. Naruto was staring at him and he wasn't exactly the quietest of people. "What are you-?"

"Get the hell away from me!"

"But-."

"I will beat the shit out of you!" He was practically hissing at him like some feral cat.

"Weirdo." Naruto went off to find someone who wanted to talk to him. Hidan sighed in relief and cautiously peered over the top of the display. Kakuzu and his bitch girlfriend were standing metres away.

At that moment they were unaware that they were being watched and they seemed quite relaxed, almost happy. Even though he had Shikamaru it was still painful to see. Not to mention the fact that Kakuzu was treating that bitch Yugito a lot better than he had ever treated him. It seemed like the ultimate insult.

Hidan began readying himself. Kakuzu had beaten him down and screwed with his head so often that he'd never even tried to fight him or stand up for himself. The idea of doing that went against every fibre of his being. But now he was pissed off and causing a scene in public would at least be somewhat satisfying. As he stood up to go and say something he noticed something. The very obvious pram by their feet.

Oh. Oh… Hidan ducked down and slid to the ground. It didn't matter how good he was at some things there were some things he could never do. He'd known she was pregnant but actually seeing the kid just freaked him out further. He could never get pregnant and now Kakuzu was playing happy families with her. He waited until they had left the shop before getting up and sighing. It was hard not to feel miserable about it.

"Have you stopped being a prick yet?" Sasuke and Naruto were giving him odd looks.

"Just fuck you." He didn't feel up to one of his usual little rants today.

"Are you ok?"

"Of course he's ok idiot, he's just being his usual temperamental self."

"But he looks kind of out of it."

"I'm fine! I don't need any of your shit!" The last thing he wanted was these nosy assholes knowing what was wrong.

"No need to get pissy about it." Sasuke seemed to no longer care but Naruto was still giving him funny looks. For someone who was normally so stupid he could be very aware of other people's problems. Hidan just scowled at him until he stopped looking.

He walked behind the other two feeling out of it. At the same time he was aware that he could run into them again and so he was watching everyone that went past. He felt like he was probably being overly paranoid but it was better than talking to Kakuzu again, with her standing there.

-Page Break-

…Why isn't Hidan here when I need him? Shikamaru was annoyed with himself really. He'd thought that if he insisted his boyfriend spent the day with other people, he'd be able to do some work in peace without the constant distractions. Instead he found himself missing that annoying whining and the unexplained odd behaviour. He almost wanted someone to do something like throw something at him so he'd have somebody to yell at.

It was a slow and boring afternoon and when he heard the front door open, he had to restrain himself from dashing downstairs.

It seems I'm really attached to this boy. He felt weird realising this.

Naruto and Sasuke had decided to make themselves at home in the lounge as usual and Shikamaru gave them a disapproving glare before going over to Hidan. The boy seemed to be taking a strangely long time to take off his shoes.

"Hidan?" The boy jumped up and half fell over.

"W-what?"

"You're acting weird. I only came over to see you."

"Am I?" He seemed distracted and started moving things on the table around. Something had happened it seemed and he didn't want to talk about it.

"Do you want something to eat?" This usually made him a bit more relaxed.

"No…" Oh god. Something's really wrong here. "I'm… just gonna sit down."

"Ok then…" Instead of going into the lounge like a normal person he went and sat in the cupboard, shutting the door behind him. Most people would find sitting on the hoover uncomfortable but Hidan was not most people.

As Hidan was unlikely to reappear until he felt like it, Shikamaru decided just to go and ask the couple what had happened. It was unlikely they'd have noticed something whilst on a date but weirder things had happened.

"If you guys want to dry hump each other, could you do it in your own home?" Naruto pulled away and Sasuke scowled at the intrusion.

"We weren't dry humping!"

"Don't be such a prude." He couldn't argue that he was a bit of a prude but Sasuke was abnormally perverted so he couldn't talk.

"I need to ask you about Hidan." He lowered his voice a little. The boy was only in the cupboard so he could still hear them.

"You mean the weirdness?" Naruto at least had noticed.

"He seemed as weird as usual today." Sasuke cared a lot less.

"There's something off… He's gone and sat in the cupboard."

"Doesn't he usually do that?"

"Mainly when something's wrong or annoying."

"He did suddenly go weird in that home ware shop. Like he was doing his usual complaining then he started hiding behind all the shelves and looking weirded out."

"He said nothing was wrong." Sasuke was clearly bored of the conversation.

"He did seem distracted by something though."

"Ok…" This wasn't much to go on but Shikamaru could hope that Hidan would emerge when the other two left and tell him what was wrong. Or at least emerge for food.

"So what's for dinner then Shika?" They looked at him expectantly and he glared.

"I don't know, it depends what food you have at your house."

"You're so cold sometimes." It took a good while of small talk before they got the hint and left. Hidan was still in the cupboard after an hour and Shikamaru decided he'd try cooking some kind of meat product in the hope that the smell of the meat would lure him out. It took two minutes for this to actually work.

Hidan came and sat on a chair and stared at the cooking bacon. He obviously hadn't been crying or anything like that but his face did look odd. Like he was distracted by something.

"…Bacon fried rice good for you?" It seemed a good start.

"Yeah…" If he wanted to eat, it was a good sign. "Shika?"

"Yes?" Hopefully this would be the problem.

"Do you want kids?" He was so surprised he dropped the rice he was holding. Whatever he was expecting this had been the last thing.

"What? Where did that come from?" He looked with annoyance at the rice grains on the floor.

"Just wondering…"

"Ok…" This was one of the weirdest things he could think to talk about. Next he'll be telling me he's pregnant.

"Well?"

"What?" He looked up from cleaning at Hidan who was looking in his direction but not at him.

"Do you want kids?"

"Err… Well I haven't thought about it… I mean, we're quite young." Not to mention the physical constraints.

"But what if you did want kids? What would you do?"

"…Well probably use a female? I don't know." This didn't seem like something important. And Hidan seemed unlikely to want children judging from his apparent pathological hatred of them.

"But what if you were with me?"

"Well we couldn't exactly have kids." Surely this was obvious?

"Yeah, but what if you were with me and wanted kids?"

"I don't know… Adopt? Surrogate? There's plenty of options. I don't know why you're bringing this up now though. Do you want kids?"

"No!" He did at least look like his normal self with that expression of shock and disgust. "Just wondering…"

"Ok…" That wasn't weird. "…Just for the record, I don't want any children of any age anywhere near me for at least a good few years."

"Oh…Thanks."

"No problem?" How Hidan's mind worked was completely beyond him.

They sat and ate in silence with only the sound of the TV in the next room. Ino and Choji came in and out and it wasn't until they were alone in the bedroom that more came out. Hidan was sat at one end of the room reading (definitely something was wrong) and Shikamaru was at the other end trying to fix the jeans Hidan had destroyed in an unfortunate tripping accident.

"I saw Kakuzu today." It was said kind of casually but it still took him by surprise.

"O-oh?" He tried to sound just as casual.

"He was with that woman."

"Oh her." It wasn't surprising it had thrown him a little.

"And their kid." Shikamaru looked up. Hidan had put the book down and was staring at the wall.

"I see…" That would explain why he was so shaken. "Are you ok?"

"I guess. They looked happy."

"Are you happy?" This seemed to surprise him.

"Eh?" Hidan was giving him an odd look. "About Kakuzu?"

"No! I mean in general." With me you moron.

"Oh." He thought about this. Shikamaru regretted asking. If he said he wasn't happy that would make him feel pretty bad. "I guess I am."

"You sound surprised."

"I am… I thought I would feel like shit for the rest of my life."

"Well if you feel happy then you shouldn't let what he's doing bother you."

"You say that. But…"

"What?"

"I'm such a fucking idiot!" Hidan threw the book at the wall. "I didn't say anything because of the kid! I should've just given him shit like I wanted to! Godammit!" Well he seems back to normal.

"You could see him again?"

"And when I do I'm gonna beat the living shit out of him and call her a whore!" He looked proud of himself at this.

"I'm glad."

"And you better be there."

"Why me?" He didn't see what exactly he could do other than stand around awkwardly.

"For moral support damn you! I would've done it if you were there!"

"Oh… Well ok I guess. Is that why you're worrying about the children thing?" Hidan looked genuinely awkward.

"Yeah… Kind of."

"You're so stupid sometimes."

"What's that supposed to mean?!"

"I'm not Kakuzu. And you're not useless. If anything you're the one on top in this relationship." He hadn't meant to say that but soon after Hidan was practically in his face.

"I'm on top? What's that mean?" He had a perverted glint in his eye.

"Not in that way! I just meant we do whatever you want, you troublesome fool!" He didn't like having people this close.

"Oh?" There was something wrong with this tone of voice. "Well in that case I suppose you won't mind if I pull your trousers off and-."

"Don't you dare." There was no way he'd put up with that.

"Tch. Prude." At least he was himself again.