My Pet Peeve

Disclaimer: Naruto isn't mine.

…I literally have no idea what's going on. Only minutes ago Shikamaru had been sitting comfortably in silence. Hidan was still asleep and there were no troublesome friends around to annoy him.

And yet somehow the room had filled with females. Ino, Sakura and Hinata were all in with him talking about god knows what. He started listening to what they were saying in the hope that it would provide some kind of clue as to why they were there.

"I think you should tell him to fuck off." So some kind of relationship trauma then. As it was Ino talking it was safe to assume it was one of the other two. He would've felt more awkward listening to bitching about Choji.

"B-but I can't! He means well… he just…" So Hinata and Neji then. Although Ino had encouraged them in getting together she now seemed determined to break them up. She could be very weird sometimes.

"But he's so over the top with you."

"She still likes him though Ino-pig."

"Shut up forehead." And as usual, this descends into a bitchfest. I'm getting out of here before they start throwing things. Sakura had a knack for accidentally hitting Shikamaru when she aimed at Ino.

"Where do you think you're going?" This confused him more. He hadn't even spoken to them and they hadn't acknowledged his presence in the room.

"To my room…?" He didn't see why he needed to justify his actions to them in his own house.

"But you're supposed to be helping!" Shikamaru looked at Ino as if she had grown an extra head.

"With what?" And 'why me?' would also be a good question.

"We're helping Hinata with her relationship problems. It's why we're all here. You're supposed to be joining in the girl chat." I can think of a good few reasons as to why that would be wrong.

"In case you haven't noticed I'm male."

"But you're clearly the woman in your relationship so it's fine."

"We're both male! There is no woman in the relationship." Although he had to admit that Hidan did seem to have the same mood swings he only saw amongst his female friends. That was just the way he was.

"You could at least try and give us some useful advice."

"I have not a clue how to deal with your relationship problems. There are times when I can barely deal with my own problems so leave me alone." This just encouraged her more.

"Oh my! So there's trouble in paradise eh? What happened?"

"Nothing, it was just a figure of speech!" Damn woman reading into every minor thing.

"Has one of you cheated?"

"No! Why is that the first thing you think of?"

"Well despite his weird personality, Hidan isn't bad to look at. As long as he didn't talk I think he could get some."

"…Firstly, do you think it's possible for Hidan to stay quiet nowadays? He hasn't shut up since that initial bout of quiet. And no he wouldn't cheat on me, he doesn't really do things on his own."

"True… So is it the sex life problem?"

"…I'm leaving." Ignoring the annoying female he retreated to the safety of his bedroom. Even at his most irritating Hidan was still easier to deal with than most other people that he knew.

He was still sleeping when Shikamaru returned. This wasn't really surprising. Despite acting unbothered, Hidan hadn't really slept properly since seeing Kakuzu. It had got to him more than he wanted to admit.

Shikamaru was quite content to sit in silence. He could still hear Ino and Sakura from downstairs sadly and he groaned before attempting to smother himself with one of the pillows in the hope that he could block out the noise. Understandably Hidan was kind of confused when he woke up to see Shikamaru punching the pillow on top of his head.

"What the fuck are you doing?" He was half asleep so he was slurring a little. Shikamaru sat up and sighed.

"Trying to block out the high volume council of Ino downstairs."

"Oh." He could faintly hear the shrieking. "Why don't you just dump a water bucket on them or something?"

"I think that might make it worse."

"It works for cats screwing outside. And they sound like a load of cats taking it up the-."

"I get the picture." I really don't want Ino and Sakura in those kinds of images in my head.

Hidan groaned and lay back down on the bed. Shikamaru had to enjoy the peace and quiet he was getting now really. He'd be back to his normal self soon enough. Hidan was staring at him oddly and you could see the gears in his head turning.

"What?"

"You head… looks like a pineapple."

"I know." He's only just noticed? The comparison had been made many a time by the rest of his friends.

"I kind of want to pet it."

"You want to what?" This was a typical Hidan remark but the way he started poking his ponytail was a little annoying.

"…Are you stoned?" It did seem likely.

"No. I'm just so fucking tired."

"Go back to sleep?" This seemed an obvious solution.

"It doesn't help."

"Oh." He did worry but there weren't many things that he could Hidan sorted himself out there was nothing that could be done really.

"What's wrong with you?"

"Nothing in particular. Just wish I could do something."

"About Kakuzu?"

"Yeah…"

"You could shoot him in the face with a sawn off shotgun? Or crush his bollocks with a nutcracker."

"Err…"

"It's called a joke jackass." He did at least seem amused by this.

"With you I never know what to take seriously. You do so many weird things." They did at least amuse even if sometimes they drove him mad.

"I'm not that weird. Maybe you're all weird and I'm the normal one."

"Very unlikely. Now go get rid of the females so I can get food."

"Hell yes!" Shikamaru wasn't quite sure what he did but from the sound of things it was very effective. When Hidan returned he seemed kind of confused.

"What the hell is a yandere?"

"…I'm guessing you picked that one up from Ino."

"She also called you a tsundere. What does that crap mean?"

"I'm not a tsundere!" He wasn't going to argue with Hidan being a yandere. It did kind of suit actually.

"But what does that crap mean? I really wanna know!"

"Why don't you ask her?"

"I can't! I locked her bitch friends outside and then I put her in the cupboard so she's kind of pissed at me."

"I'm not really surprised. I think you should let her out." If he didn't make sure she was out of there Ino would be even more pissed and he didn't want to have to avoid going downstairs without padding in his crotch region. He'd had enough of that the first week when he accidentally flushed the toilet while she was in the shower.

"But she's annoying!"

"Yes but there's a stupid thing called the law that says you can't keep people against their will."

"But people get put in prison."

"That's when they break the law." It was like talking to a child sometimes.

"Tch. Fine." He went to release the unfortunate female whilst Shikamaru stayed in the safety of the room. Hidan was capable of handling himself whilst dealing with psychotic females. He could hear the shouting and eventually Hidan returned looking kind of pissed.

"I'm not a yandere." He was pouting and looked kind of cute.

"You kind of are." He had an image in his head of Hidan appearing holding a human head and saying 'I killed this bastard because I love you!' It was hard not to start laughing.

"Hey! Don't laugh at me! You are such an insensitive prick!"

"I know." He was no longer laughing when Hidan started pinching him. "There's no need for that."

"Yes there is you tsundere."

"I am not a tsundere. I'm too apathetic for that."

"You say that but you do act all pissy when secretly you like something."

"…Just shut up." He would never admit that he had a point.

"You have wrinkles starting from all the scowling." He pointed at the space between his eyebrows.

"Well thank you for pointing that out." Hidan then started poking him there. "What are you doing now?"

"I thought I'd try and keep it smooth so you get less wrinkles. I'm doing you a favour really."

"…Stop that." It was kind of annoying and also embarrassing being stared at so intently.

"You like it really."

"I'd like it if you went and made me a bacon sandwich." It was wishful thinking really but he could dream.

"You want a bacon sandwich, you will get a bacon sandwich." Hidan went to leave the room seeming to forget what happened the last time he'd tried cooking.

"The gesture's nice but are you sure?"

"Don't doubt me!" He slammed the door behind him. Shikamaru could feel a deepening sense of doom. On the plus side, they had at least moved the fire extinguisher closer to the cooker.

Although he was reading his book, every now and then he could hear sudden bursts of 'Fucking piece of shit' and 'Suck a dick'. Not to mention the angry hissing when the smoke alarm started going off. It would've been funnier if there wasn't the worry that their house would end up a smouldering pile of ash on the floor. Hidan eventually returned with a plate, dumped it in front of his boyfriend, and sat down looking at him.

"Aren't you having any?"

"I'm not feeling hungry anymore…" This of course didn't bode well.

"What is it?" He could see the two pieces of bread looked fine but it was what was inside the bread that he worried about.

"A bacon sandwich. What else would it be?" He seemed offended so it was best to at least attempt eating it.

He tried taking a bite out of it. It was a struggle not to spit it out again. When he looked at the sandwich he could see just a charred black piece of what was probably once bacon.

"You like it?"

"It's… bacon?" There wasn't much more that he could say about that.

"You sound like you're questioning this."

"I'm not doubting that it's bacon. Just how much of it is still actually bacon."

"Hey! I only put bacon in there!"

"And now it's...Um…edible. Probably." There were many parts of him doubting even this. Not to mention that Hidan would probably be offended and may go into sulk mode.

"Damn, why do I suck at cooking?"

"You don't suck. You still made something that can be eaten."

"It's a fucking lump of charcoal wrapped in bread."

"The bread's alright."

"Well that's great. The bit out of the packet is fine."

"You still cut it pretty well."

"You're really scraping the bottom of the barrel with this."

"I'm trying to be nice to you. You could just accept it. And you didn't set it on fire this time so I consider it an improvement."

"I think you should just do the cooking and I…Err…" He looked at Shikamaru. "I could do with a little help here."

"Just be your usual weird self and stop worrying about things."

"I can do that." They both stared at the offending sandwich with obvious distaste. "I think we should destroy it."

"Yeah… It's kind of impressive really that you can create weaponised sandwiches."

"That's a good idea! I could give it to blonde bitch."

"That's not what I meant. And it kind of has a bite out of it." He threw the used half across the room and grabbed the plate with an evil grin.

"See ya~." And he left Shikamaru to clean up the bread and charcoal off of the floor. The one consolation was hearing Ino shouting when she realised how burnt the contents were. Despite being one of his best friends from childhood, she could still be a bitch at times so it was nice to see her get her comeuppance. When Hidan returned he was in a vastly better mood although he did have a red mark on his face.

"That was worth the slapping."

"I'm glad." Hidan jumped back on the bed and lay down practically on Shikamaru's lap. "Are you a cat now?"

"I've just been slapped by bitchface, comfort me you asshole." With a sigh he started stroking Hidan's hair. Although it wasn't unpleasant it was still weird to be petting him like an oversized cat.

"Is that good enough?"

"Yes~." He seemed to be purring.

"Are you sure you're not secretly a cat?"

"Well I don't have a tail. And I don't spray my piss everywhere. And I don't screw everything I see."

"You always seem pretty aroused."

"Hey! I'm normal you prude."

"If Sasuke is the norm then that would be true."

"Just stop your bitching and continue with the petting." Considering the boy was the worst at bitching it was a little rich but Shikamaru did what he asked. It would keep him in a good mood for longer.

"You're getting really spoilt."

"I think I deserve it."

"I suppose you do try." Hidan sat up and kissed him. "…What was that for?"

"I felt like it."

"Oh." Hidan was staring at him, eyebrow raised. "I'm guessing you want me to return the favour."

"Obviously."

"Fine. Don't expect it too often though."

"You really sound like a tsunder-. Ow! You prick!" There was something about smacking Hidan round the back of the head that was strangely satisfying.