My Pet Peeve

Disclaimer: Naruto isn't mine.

"Why is it all so fucking vanilla?"

"Don't read it, just put it in the bag." Shikaku had kindly decided to stash some of his many adult magazines inside the duvet cover. This had only been discovered when Shikamaru went to get into bed and had Miss Ukraine 2005 fall on his foot. They'd had to wait until both of them had gone to work so Yoshino didn't notice what it was they were shifting and Shikaku couldn't try to stop them.

"It's a waste though really."

"I don't think any of this is that good." There were no gloves so he was having difficulty picking them up. The problem was he had no idea how used they were so he didn't want to touch them that much.

"True. All the women have fake tits for a start." Hidan didn't really have any interest in any of it but he was still happy to flick through them.

"Why do you always just grab anything porn related? You don't even like females."

"Something to do."

"If you're bored you can help me." There was so much crap in there he was almost impressed. They hadn't been gone that long. His dad had gotten even worse it seemed.

"I still think we should show your mum. It'd be so fucking funny." He could remember the look on her face from last time and shuddered.

"I think I'd get crap for having it in my room." This Kakuzu problem had bought enough drama for him. He grabbed the magazine out of Hidans hand and stuck it in the bag. "Now get rid of all this."

"Why me?"

"I've done everything else." He was given a look of disdain but at least he did it. "And you better throw them in the bin and not plaster them on the walls or anything."

"You're such a killjoy." At least he'd remembered to specify this time. Ino was still kind of pissed about what he'd done to the lounge.

"And you're so easy to read." Sometimes. A lot of the time he did things so odd it was hard to work them out at all. With the room cleared of porn that was one less thing to worry about. Although knowing Ino she'd probably started stashing some in his other room now he couldn't guard it. At least she'd pick things that Hidan would like as well. Damn… That isn't something I should be pleased about.

"What's the plan now?" Hidan came and lay down with his head on Shikamarus lap.

"Plan?"

"Now we're here."

"I didn't think that far." All he'd wanted to do was get far enough away so he could think about how best to deal with it. Though even now he was still struggling to come up with any ideas.

"…Know any good hitmen?"

"As if I'd have that kind of money. Think these things through."

"You've changed if that's your only problem with it."

"I think I've spent too much time with you." Even a hitman seemed like a normal thing nowadays.

"You can't say you haven't enjoyed it." Hidan started flicking his ponytail. It was like having a large and perverted cat sitting on his lap.

"Why are you doing that?"

"I'm being cute. Obviously." Shikamaru raised an eyebrow.

"I don't think being cute is your thing." Even though he could be quite adorable when he was pouting there was no way he was going to tell him. Hidan didn't need to get any more big headed.

"Well it certainly ain't yours either."

"I'm not arguing with you there." Even friends of his parents had struggled to call him cute when age five he had just sat and stared at them. Being overly smiley and happy had always been troublesome.

"It's lucky that I like bad tempered assholes." Hidan always knew what to say. Shikamaru shoved him off and went downstairs to make sure that he'd definitely put the magazines where no one could get them. He couldn't help but suspect that the boy had found some way of sticking them in an obvious place to annoy him. Sure enough he'd thrown them down next to the door, leaving the bag partly open.

Typical. He grabbed it and threw it into the bin just next to the front door. And that didn't involve any effort.

"What are you doing now you heartless bastard?"

"None of your business." Hidans response was to throw a pillow at his face. "You're so pleasant."

"And you are?"

"You want to sleep in the same bed tonight?" This usually worked.

"Damn you. I know you'd miss me if I wasn't around."

"Maybe." The offended look on his face was worth it. Although being smacked in the back of the head by a pillow wasn't so great. "You don't have to fix all your problems with violence you know."

"I don't have to, I choose to."

"Fool. And we need to work out what to do."

"Why?"

"Because we can't stay here forever."

"That sounds better than the alternative. Less bullshit."

"We have a lot of stuff to do back there too." He did at least. Hidan would probably be happy slacking off whenever he was. "I guess you could stay here…" Hidan threw yet another pillow.

"Leave without me and I will hunt you down and tie you to a fucking chair."

"Needy idiot. What do you suggest then?" He didn't have to think about this for long.

"You think your dad has any guns in his attic?"

"I hope not…" He didn't like to guess when it came to Shikaku.

"Just any gun and maybe a silencer would do." Hidan seemed quite happy about this thought.

"You've definitely thought this one through."

"It's good to be prepared for this shit. You'll be thankful when you need someone sorted out."

"Hopefully it'll never come to this." He really hoped that Hidan hadn't been stashing any weapons in their house. Although he knew it wasn't impossible. He still didn't know what kind of things had happened to him before they'd met.

"You sure there's nothing here I could use?"

"…Before you start getting into the details we are not killing Kakuzu. Or his pregnant fiancée." Hidan looked disappointed by this.

"But it's the best way!"

"You just need to deal with him. He has nothing to do with you anymore and you can just ignore him." He did understand it was hard to forget but they weren't the ones who should feel bad about it.

"I don't want to ignore him! I want to punch him and kick his ass… and run away."

"Well that makes sense."

"Shut up! I don't need logic!" Hidan sat on the chair and scowled at the wall. Shikamaru mumbled something about tea and left the room. Really there wasn't much he could do about the situation and he knew it. Only Hidan could really solve this one and right now he was conflicted.

Although he knew it was probably because of all the crap he'd been though part of him did think that maybe Hidan still felt a lot for Kakuzu. There were even times he doubted the boy loved him and was simply clinging to any affection he could get. This was a worrying thought and he had to hope it wasn't true.

Shikamaru sat away from Hidan. Normally he'd get complaints about this but today the boy seemed to barely notice. He didn't know how to deal with this one. If he sneaked off to phone for help he'd be overheard and he couldn't talk to Hidan about it. Not to mention the fact that he didn't know who he could talk to. Sitting in silence seemed to be the only option. Until Hidan moved over and leant into him. It wasn't like the usual gripping or trying to feel him up. It was just slight touching and it did feel pretty good.

"Can we stay like this a bit?"

"Sure." His mouth felt dry. It wasn't the most intimate thing they'd done but it still made him feel nervous. It wasn't touching for the hell of it, it was comforting.

He'd probably prefer to be doing this with Kakuzu. Shikamaru shook his head at the sudden thought. Shut up brain!

"What's wrong with you?" Hidan looked confused.

"Had an itch, sorry." There was no way he was going to admit to this one. Especially when Hidan was going through enough shit of his own to deal with anything else. And when it was something that he was dealing with himself.

"…I-." He stopped suddenly when they heard the door open and Shikaku came stumbling in.

"Is your mum back yet?" It was obvious he'd been rushing to get home and it wasn't hard to guess his motives. It was a surprise that the dirty pervert had ever managed to find a wife. The admiration he had for his mother just increased.

"If you're thinking about your little stash we've already dealt with it." He dropped his bag on the floor with a look of horror on his face.

"Do you know how long it took me to replace the old ones? Where are they?" He'd grabbed Shikamaru by the shoulders and was scowling at him. It was so sad it was funny and he had to hold back the laughter.

"We binned them."

"But the bags are still there?"

"I guess…" I wish I'd burnt the damn things. Shikaku ran out the door full speed. "He better not put them back in my room."

"Damn. I should've glued the pages together."

"That would've taken you hours. You don't have that kind of motivation."

"But your dads face would be bloody worth it." There was a moment of silence as they imagined everything. Shikaku reappeared lugging the bag over his shoulder and giving them hateful looks.

"Don't you dare put it back in my room."

"It's not like you're here that often."

"I don't want to become one of your accomplices." Yoshino would not be best pleased and he didn't want her pissed off.

"Just help me find somewhere! Anywhere!" He got down on his knees and stated doing the tearful eyed pouting. "I'm begging you here!"

"That's just sad." Shikamaru slapped the idiot boyfriend. He didn't like the hobbies of his idiot father but he did pity him. And it provided an escape from all the stupid thoughts in his head.

"Why don't you just stick it in the shed? Under all the firewood and crap."

"That's the first place she looks! The only place she never looks is your room."

"…Ok we're leaving, you do what you want."

"But-!"

"No." He grabbed Hidan and led him out the door. If they were in the garden they couldn't be held responsible for goings on in the house.

"It's cold out here." It was then that he noticed Hidan was only wearing trousers.

"…We could go in the shed?" There was no point in asking him why he wasn't dressed.

"Why don't we just go back inside?"

"It would kind of ruin the message I was making if I just went straight back in. You're always complaining about how hot everything is anyway."

"Not outside in winter asshole." He just gripped the boy and pulled him into the shed, where he threw an old blanket at him. "What's this?"

"Warm."

"And old and covered in some weird stains and shit."

"It's probably mud." He slid down and sat on the floor. It wasn't comfy but it wasn't bad either.

"…We don't have to go back yet, right?"

"We only just got here."

"I guess…"

"We don't need to go until we know what we're doing. But I don't want to fail a degree and end up wasting years of my life because of this."

"I don't know what the fuck to do though…"

"Go to the police?"

"About what?"

"Well… I doubt the stuff you guys did was exactly legal so…"

"That would work if there wasn't any shit that he had on me."

"What did you do?" Shikamaru wasn't sure he wanted to know.

"Let's just say it wasn't all legal and leave it there."

"Oh…" Clearly the subject was dropped. "That complicates things."

"Yeah…"

"…We'll work something out." He hoped.