Chapter Five

"Stop it."

Clarke jumped at the sudden intrusion into her subconscious. She blinked as she turned her head toward Raven, who was busy measuring some kind of liquid in a beaker. Clarke took a step away from her (Raven and chemicals were never a good match) and placed a pair of safety goggles over her eyes.

"What?" she asked.

"That moony look you're giving Woods," Raven said, not taking her eyes from the beaker in front of her. "You need to stop that."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Clarke deflected, picking up another beaker and gazing into the yellowish fluid. She placed it back down on its stand.

"Oh, really?" Raven snorted. "Because, according to Octavia, things have been a little…weird between you two at practice."

"And how would Octavia know that?" She avoided football practice like the plague, still angry that Lexa had gotten on the team and she hadn't, and wary of her brother finding out about her and Lincoln.

"Her boy toy told her," Raven said. "How else?"

"Well, Lincoln lied," Clarke said. "Things are just fine between Lexa and me." That was a bold-faced lie if she'd ever told one.

"Oh really?" Raven asked with a smirk. "Then why have you spent the last fifteen minutes staring at her back?"

"I have not!" Clarke growled, elbowing Raven in the side. Her friend laughed and shook her head.

"You totally have!" she said. "You look at her like a sad puppy dog that's just been hit with a newspaper. Did you two get into a fight or something? Because you were only friends for like, what, a day?"

"Two days," Clarke corrected. "And…not exactly."

"Then what happened?" Raven nudged. Clarke pressed her lips together and Raven suddenly got serious. "Seriously, Clarke," she said; "what is it? Did she do something to hurt you? Say something? Do I need to kick her ass?"

That made Clarke smile and laugh. "As nice a sentiment as that is, Ray," she said, "I don't think it'll be necessary. Lexa didn't…she didn't say anything."

"So she did something."

"Not…exactly."

"Clarke."

"We kissed," Clarke blurted, burying her head in her hands as soon as the words were out of her mouth, feeling her face heat up at Raven's stunned silence. After a moment, she peeked up at her, to find Raven grinning.

"Really?" she asked. "That's all? You just…kissed?"

"Yes," Clarke growled. "We kissed, I freaked, and I ran."

Raven took a deep breath through her nose. "Of course you did," she said.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You know exactly what it means," Raven hissed, giving her a disapproving look. "It's been a year, Clarke," she said. "Don't you think it's time you moved on? I have."

"It's not that simple." Clarke shook her head, looking down at her hands on the counter. "I still…"

"You still love him?" Raven asked, incredulously.

"No," Clarke insisted, then sighed. "Yes?" She rolled her eyes. "I don't know if I still love him, but I think I still…care about him."

"Why? I don't."

"Yes, you do," Clarke huffed. "You're just…stronger than I am, I guess."

"Got that right."

"Gee, thanks, friend."

Raven chuckled and picked up the yellow beaker. "Look, it's fine if you're not ready to be in a relationship yet. Especially after…what happened. But it's not okay to just dump Lexa—both as a friend and as a potential girlfriend—without any kind of explanation. Doesn't she at least deserve that?"

Clarke took a deep breath and nodded. "Yeah," she agreed. "She does. But, what if…what will she think of me?"

"That you're human," Raven said. "That you make mistakes and get screwed over by stupid, selfish boys that don't deserve you." Raven reached for Clarke's hand and squeezed. "And that you're honest and deserve to be forgiven for those mistakes. Hell knows how hard it is to forgive."

"Even when you have every reason not to." The girls shared a soft smile and Clarke squeezed Raven's hand, then grabbed the yellow beaker. "Move aside, firecracker," she said. "Let me do this."

"Clarke," Raven argued.

"Nope. Every time you play with these—"

"Clarke, I really—"

"—you make an—"

Clarke tipped the yellow liquid into the bigger beaker and there was immediately a crackling sound that turned into a tiny explosion, which emitted a green puff of smoke right into their faces. Clarke and Raven coughed and fanned it away (not for the first time) as their teacher looked on, unamused.

"It wasn't me this time, Dr. Pike," Raven said. He just rolled his eyes and pointed towards the chemical shower. Clarke and Raven groaned as they made their way over, Raven hobbling a little with her cane and leg brace. Clarke helped her take it off and then they undressed behind a think blue curtain and pulled the lever for the shower.

As Clarke turned away from Raven, she thought she spotted a pair of pale green eyes looking her way through the crack, only to be replaced by a curtain of long, dark hair.

O_O_O

At lunch that day, Clarke sat with Octavia and Raven, who were bickering about something or other when she placed her tray down across from them. Both girls looked up at her in surprise.

"Well," Octavia said, "aren't you a sight for sore eyes."

Clarke ignored her, sitting down. "How's Lincoln?" she asked, instead.

"How's Lexa?" Octavia shot back. Simultaneously, they looked out the plate-glass window, towards the lawn, where Lexa, Lincoln, and Indra were all sitting together, all facing TonDC. Clarke couldn't tell whether or not they were talking or (if they were) if they were talking about her. She doubted it, cursing herself for having such a big ego.

"You should really talk to her," Octavia said, sternly—like a mother. "Lincoln said she seemed kind of down lately."

"How could he tell?" Raven asked. "The girl always seems kind of 'down'." Her fingers curled around the word.

"She's just quiet," Clarke said, turning back to look at her tray. She'd opted to buy lunch that day and—no big surprise—the soggy tuna salad on rye didn't look very appetizing. She'd much rather have gotten the burger and fries, but all the girls on the squad were on diets, the threat of Homecoming just around the corner. "She can be pretty loud when she wants to be. And fun." Clarke smiled softly at the memory of Lexa bouncing around in the passenger seat of her car.

"Then talk to her!" Octavia and Raven said in unison.

"Tell her you're sorry," Raven said.

"Explain what happened," Octavia added, nodding in agreement.

"Just do…something!" Raven growled. "You two had something really great going."

"At least, according to Lincoln." Octavia spared another longing glance at her boyfriend. They didn't get to spend much time together at school, Clarke knew, because Bellamy would have a fit, but they were together as much as possible outside. "I mean, she doesn't really talk about it, but Lexa's been majorly distracted during football practice."

Clarke looked up at that. "She has?" she asked.

"You haven't noticed?" Raven laughed. "You're, like, always there, aren't you? Hopping around with your bop squad?"

Clarke glared at her. "Don't call us—"

"Doesn't matter," Octavia interrupted. "Point is, you need to talk to her. It seems like the girl's pretty hung up on you. And not even in like a purely romantic sense, either. According to Lincoln, she thinks that you're avoiding her because you feel 'violated' or something."

"Why would she think that?" Clarke asked.

"Maybe because you're avoiding the girl like the black plague," Raven suggested.

Clarke opened her mouth to protest, but then closed it when she realized that Raven was absolutely correct. She had been treating Lexa like an infection and it was wholly unfair, especially since Lexa had no idea why. She took another look outside at the girl who'd quickly become somebody she considered a good friend (even if it had only lasted a few hours) and stood.

"I'll be right back."

Raven and Octavia clapped for her and Clarke rolled her eyes as she made her way outside to the lawn, tucking her hands into her sleeves self-consciously as she bypassed the table with the football players and her fellow cheerleaders—a few of whom looked on at her with curiosity. Clarke ignored them as her feet carried her forward to where Lexa sat with Indra and Lincoln, wedged between them as they munched their respective sandwiches.

Lincoln was the first to look up, a smirk gracing his lips at the sight of her. He nudged Lexa, who was in the middle of a bite and Clarke could swear she heard the girl choke a little before looking up at him, a piece of lettuce sticking out the corner of her mouth. Lincoln tilted his head towards her and Lexa looked up, her eyes widening at the sight of Clarke.

"Hey," she greeted, wiping her mouth with a napkin.

Clarke gave her a shy smile. "Hey," she said. "Can we, uh…can I talk to you for a moment?"

Lexa swallowed thickly, but nodded, pushing herself to her feet. She motioned for Clarke to lead the way and the blonde could feet at least two sets of eyes on her as she led Lexa back inside and across the hall to the girls' room. Thankfully, it was empty. She turned to Lexa.

"I'm sorry."

The words echoed throughout the small, tiled room, and both girls blushed as soon as they left their lips; they had spoken simultaneously. Clarke let out a nervous chuckle and ran her hand through her hair. "You have nothing to be sorry for," she assured Lexa. "I'm the one who should be apologizing."

"For what?" Lexa asked. "I'm the one that kissed you. And I shouldn't have. I should have known that you're straight and you only like me as a friend and, god, Clarke, I'm so—"

"Lexa!" Clarke interrupted. "It's okay. You didn't...you didn't do anything wrong. I kissed you back, remember?"

"But then you ran," Lexa pointed out. "I obviously overstepped."

"No," Clarke shook her head. "No, you were…" She took a deep breath. "We both fucked up. I should never have run away like that."

"Why did you?" Lexa asked, tilting her head to the side as she furrowed her brow. "You just said you kissed me back, but then…why did you run?"

Clarke took a breath, feeling her pulse begin to throb in her neck as her throat went dry. It was something she didn't really like to talk about; something she hated to relive almost as much as she hated living it the first time around.

"There was a boy," she said, swallowing past the building lump in her throat. "His name was Finn. He, uh, he transferred to Arcadia a little over a year ago and he, uh, he got a spot on the football team. He and Bellamy were, like, the best of friends, you know?" Lexa nodded, listening patiently. "Anyway, he was a senior when he transferred and he almost immediately took an interest in me and I thought, 'wow,' you know. 'A senior boy likes me?' And so, when he asked me out, I said yes, like you do when a senior boy asks you out." She cleared her throat when Lexa raised her brow in amusement. "If you're into boys, anyway." She chuckled. "I said yes and we started dating and it was like…one of those cheesy romance novels. I fell in love way too quickly and trusted him way too easily. I believed it when he told me that he was single and that he loved me back, you know?" She took a deep breath and looked away, biting her lip as she tried to force back the ache in her chest. "But he didn't. Or, at least, he didn't love just me." She swallowed again. "I found out, after just a couple weeks, that he had a girlfriend back at his old school. A girlfriend who showed up at Homecoming, as a surprise, and informed him that she would be transferring to Arcadia, as well." Clarke sniffled and wiped a stray tear. "I was crushed, of course, and pissed. He told me that they had broken up before he left, but Raven said differently."

"Raven?" Lexa gasped, her eyebrows furrowing.

"Yeah," Clarke chuckled humorlessly. "Raven. Whose leg was already messed up from a bad accident, was already walking with a cane but being a badass nonetheless." She laughed again. "The second she found out, she socked Finn in the eye and slapped me."

"But you had no idea," Lexa argued.

"I know," Clarke sighed. "I think she was just letting off some steam, you know? She apologized the next day and we spent the rest of the year getting to know each other and making sure everybody knew what an asshole Finn was. He didn't even get a prom date." Clarke grinned, proudly, then sighed. "But it just…it wasn't okay. I wasn't okay. I tried to move on from him—I told myself that I'd barely been with him for a couple weeks and he was an asshole, anyway—but I just felt…broken. I still kind of do."

"Was he your first…love?" Lexa asked, unsure how to phrase it.

"Well," Clarke sighed. "Technically, Niylah from preschool was my first love. I made her a valentine with extra sparkles and we held hands on the playground for three weeks straight. But then she moved away and I haven't seen her since." Lexa smiled softly at that and Clarke chuckled. "But, yeah, I think Finn might have been my first real love. Even if it wasn't real for him."

"Is that why you ran?" Lexa asked. "The other day?"

Clarke nodded. "I tried, a couple of months ago, to move on from him. It didn't work. Every time I kissed him, I…I only saw Finn. So I stopped trying. I decided that I was better alone…for now, at least. I mean, I'm only sixteen, after all; I have time to find that actual true love, if it does exist."

"But not yet," Lexa sighed. Clarke looked up at her, noticing the dejected look on her face, the slight blush coloring her cheeks. She stepped forward and reached for Lexa's hand, squeezing her fingers.

"Yes," she said. "Not yet. But…soon, maybe?" She waited until Lexa's eyes met hers and they shared a long, understanding gaze before she continued. "Until then, we're friends."

"Friends don't run from each other," Lexa pointed out.

Clarke nodded in agreement. "No more running," she promised.

"And no more secrets," Lexa added.

"No more secrets," Clarke agreed, squeezing Lexa's hand. The two smiled at one another and then Clarke tugged Lexa against her, wrapping her arms around the other girl's waist, hugging her tightly. Lexa stiffened for a moment, then seemed to melt into her embrace, wrapping her arms around Clarke's shoulders.

When they pulled back, Clarke felt her heartbeat quicken to find that hers and Lexa's noses were only inches apart, her eyes flitting down to her Laxa's lips before rising to meet her gaze again. Lexa's foam green eyes were already on hers, gazing intently. Clarke forced a calm smile and took a deep breath as she stepped back.

Just friends, she reminded herself, leading Lexa out, wordlessly. For now.