{TRIGGER WARNING: MISCARRIAGE}

He remembered. It wasn't a moment he could easily forget, not after everything they had been through. Now, as he sat in their bedroom, listening to his sick wife, the memories came flooding back in a hurry. He remembered that night, sitting with her as she cried about how the heavens hated her. He listened to her yelling that she had done something wrong, that it was all her fault. But he never forgot the immense amount of heartache that took him in the moment he heard the words he didn't make it.

Becky was tough. She'd survived a lot, so had he. So they thought, in all their stupid wisdom, that their son was just as strong. But they thought wrong; Orion just wasn't strong enough. That thought always stuck with him; even as Vanessa was growing up and losing all those things that made her his baby. She was their first child, and he had always hoped she wouldn't be the last, but he never expected the grief that hit him when his wife told him the news.

"It's not too late-"

"No," He called over his shoulder, closing his eyes and running a hand over his face, tangling it in his hair. "I'm not going to live with that decision. I'm not going to sit here and pretend that we can justify killing a child just because of my stupid fears. That's almost as bad as losing one unwillingly."

The pang that hit him then, took his breath away for a moment. The ache in his chest was growing worse and he just wanted to cry. Shouldn't he have been happy? Shouldn't he have been excited for this? His blue eyes welled with tears, his hand folding around the dog tags that hung around his neck, voice trembling. Vanessa had made it out alive, without any complication...but Orion...that grief never really went away.

He sucked in a breath, struggling to find the words to sooth his now worried wife. Keep her calm, don't go off the deep end...remember she's just as scared as you are… he bit his lip and finally stood up to go find her. "Becky," Kneeling down on the tiles, he brought her in for a hug. He could tell she was fighting with her demons as well, finding an excuse to justify murder. "I won't let you do...that." Though it wasn't called an 'abortion' in their time, he felt the word fit just fine.

"I don't think I can face it again. I can handle a lot, Jean. I can handle war, I can handle death, I can handle losing you - well, maybe not - but losing a child? I can't sit here and justify the death of a soul that never had the opportunity to breathe. I can't just…" She closed her eyes and rested her head against his shoulder, hiccuping with tears now. "I can't."

"I know, baby." Rubbing her back, he closed his azure eyes and thought hard, about anything positive. Anything to get his mind off that moment. His heart broke every time she took a shuddering breath, and he knew she was thinking of it, too. That moment when they told them their son didn't make it, when she signed the official death certificate with trembling hands, when they buried their only son in a stupid plastic box and nothing else. It must have been terribly lonely. All the informal behavior, and she only recently got to the point where she didn't mention his name in conversation.

He remembered, then, in one long memory that played out like movie clips. He remembered that night, the darkness and the quiet stillness in the air as she broke down in hysterical sobs on the floor. A moment he wouldn't soon forget - but one he didn't want to remember. He closed his eyes, holding her close to his body, trying to find solace in the fact that it was three years ago…

"Becky?" He had all but been silent as he wheeled through the house. Somewhere in this maze of halls was his wife, probably working on writing in her journal. The silence was alarming, though, since she usually answered him back when he'd call to her. "Bex?"

She was sitting in the bathroom, her hands in front of her, trembling. He knew. He knew immediately that something had happened. His first thought was that she had tried to commit suicide - but she had been happy that morning. Moving in closer, he slipped to the floor, sitting at her level. "Becky, baby, talk to me…"

How could she? She couldn't even find the voice to cry. Her entire body was trembling, but her voice was gone...lost. There was so much blood. For the first time in months, he was thankful that Vanessa was with his parents for the night. He wrapped his arms tightly around her, closing his eyes. "I'm sorry." She finally choked out, her voice sounding so tiny, yet so loud in the silence in the room. "I'm so sorry."

"It's not your fault," he whispered against her hair. "You couldn't have done anything to change it...it's not your fault, Becky." He didn't want to leave her alone, but he'd need help getting her to the hospital. He found his way back to his chair, looking to her again for a moment. How long had she been like this? How long had she suffered without telling him? Damn her stupid pride… "I'm going to call my parents...we need to get you to the hospital."

"I'm sorry…" She whispered again, the shock still taking her entire being.

What could he say now? His hand trembled as he reached out to brush her hair back, shaking his head. "I know, baby. I know."

He left her there, only for a few moments, his heart racing a million miles an hour. He dialed his father's number, waiting for the voice on the other end. "Hey...umm...this is hard to admit. I need help. If you could come here, please? Something happened to Becky, I have to get her to a hospital. Please…" Though he stayed calm when he asked, he knew his father picked up the underlying tone in his voice. His father gave a quiet 'okay' and told his mother to keep an eye on Vanessa.

The next few moments passed in silence. He held her trembling, cold body, trying to keep her together. This would kill her. He knew. He knew that this was going to tear her to pieces and break her heart. Maybe he was selfish; he'd rather lose the child than lose her. He whispered to her, telling her it was okay. He tried to keep her calm, reminding her that Vanessa still needed her. He didn't know what state she would be in later, but he knew that if he didn't speak to her, she'd want to kill herself.

His father helped him get her to the car, where she sat in silence with her father in law, watching the road ahead with dead eyes. He'd gathered up some clothes for her, using menial tasks to keep his mind off of the heartache they were facing. He had to keep himself together for her. If he broke now, she'd lose everything. He sat in the back seat, her head resting in his lap. He'd stroke her hair, whisper to her...anything to keep her from thinking about it. There would be plenty of time for regret later, but right now, he had to keep her grounded in the moment with him.

They arrived at the hospital in a flurry of activity. Nurses noted the blood and immediately got her to a room in maternity. He almost hated that they did that, putting her in the one place she didn't want to be...it wasn't the best choice, but a necessary evil at the moment. He stayed by her bedside until the nurse confirmed that the baby didn't make it, and hearing her cries of pain almost broke him. But he had to be strong for her, and he'd swallow down that emotion for as long as it took.

The surgical procedure that followed was rather quick and painless, he wasn't in the room, he didn't know what it entailed. But after they had her in her room again, she was watching the door, expecting something. "I want to see him." She whispered softly, her voice still so tiny. The nurses tried to talk her out of it, but she wasn't listening. "Let me see my son." She demanded, her voice a little louder and more authoritative this time.

He kept his hand resting against her arm, his head lowered to the floor. It was a bad idea, he knew she'd have nightmares for months after this. But it was what she wanted to get closure, he wouldn't talk her out of it. Even if he wanted to, he never could. They rest the child in her arms, but kept the face covered so she couldn't see it. She had been five months along, so there was definitely a face and fingers and toes...it looked like a tiny version of what would have been much bigger if she was full term. There was no mistaking that it was a child.

"Hello, little Orion." She whispered softly, cradling the tiny child to her chest. She kept him close, her voice low as if trying not to wake him. She spoke with a maternal softness that she often used to quell the demons in their daughter when she couldn't sleep. "I'm sorry, I should have tried harder to protect you. Mama gets a little carried away sometimes. She forgets how fragile and delicate you are. I want you to know that we loved you...love you. I'm sorry I didn't give you a chance to live, and I'm sorry I was too stubborn to listen to daddy when he told me to take it easy. You would have loved it here...you'd already have a big sister to look out for you. I guess now you'll look out for her."

Jean rested his head against her leg, listening to her talking. It was a small comfort to hear her voice, but her speech broke his heart even worse. That tiny shred of resolve he'd held onto finally snapped. He whimpered pathetically against her leg. She needed this, she needed to get those thoughts out...even if it hurt them to do it. And he was feeling like there was something he needed to say, too, but this was her moment in time, and she needed it more than he did.

"Your daddy was excited to meet you. He was always so bouncy and happy when he thought about your sister, but not quite the same way he was with you. See, daddy had his little girl, but he always wanted his little boy…" That was when he finally cut her off, reaching up to gently stroke his son's cheek.

"I had all these stupid plans to teach you how to hunt and fish, and work on the car with me. I wanted to teach you how to fight, to respect girls...how to charm the ladies...I just wanted to teach you everything that made me the man I am. I wanted you to know that no matter what, you'd always be loved. I even expected to have to bail you out of trouble. You'd always be safe in our home, you'd always be able to drag your friends back there to get away from trouble. And no matter what you decided, you'd always be loved. And I lost all of that...before I even got to tell you how happy I was to have you." He sighed and looked down again, burying his head against the sheets. "See, I told mama last week that I was scared, because I didn't know how to be a daddy. She kept assuring me I was doing fine with Vanessa, but daddy isn't exactly...whole. He's a bit broken, you see. So I can't do some of the things daddies are expected to do. I worried I'd never be able to, but mama's been working with me so I can. And I had hoped to teach you to play baseball, and play sports, and maybe one day join the military like we did...and now, I'm facing another terrifying reality - outliving my own son."

Becky quietly touched a hand to his hair, tangling her fingers in the mess of disheveled golden locks. Her hand was gentle, though a bit cold. She gave a tiny smile, lacking of it's usual emotion and kindness. Her hand trembled, but she didn't move. "Mama and daddy loved you, Orion. I want you to know that...no matter what happens or where you go, we loved you so much that it physically hurt. You'll be happy, though. You'll have a daddy who will always love you and a big sister to play with where you're going...I'm just sorry you didn't get to meet your sister."

It took a moment for him to realize she was referring to General Hughes and Nina Tucker. The thought was a bit hard to swallow, but she wasn't wrong. He'd have to remember to thank Hughes for looking out for his boy one day. If he knew that man, he ran an entire orphanage in heaven, adopting all the lost kids. The thought made him smile for a moment, as bittersweet as it was. "Goodnight, son. Play with the angels, okay? And keep an eye on us down here, your sister is clumsy she might need your help once in awhile."

Becky reluctantly handed the tiny object back to the nurse, closing her eyes for a moment as she looked down to her husband. "I'm sorry. I should have listened, I should have tried harder. It's my fault."

He said nothing as he reached for her hand, shaking his head. "It's not your fault. It's nobody's fault. God needed his angel back."

"You're really calm for someone who just lost their only son." Becky whispered, not meaning to sound harsh, but coming off that way anyway.

He looked up at her now, his eyes puffy and red from crying. He smiled a little, though broken, and wiped away the tears. "Sorry, I shouldn't be so stubborn. You need to know it hurts me just as much. I just...can't cry right now, not when you've gone through so much. So please forgive me if I seem like I don't care, because I do. I always will. I just need you to know that you aren't suffering alone, even if I don't show it as much as you do."

"Becky," His voice was quiet now, reaching to turn her chin towards him for a kiss. "I'm not mad. And I never will be. I told you once before I was ready for this. And I'm ready for whatever comes - be it good or bad. I'm not going to let you suffer alone. I'm sorry I was scared to show you my weaknesses before, but I won't this time. We're in this together, okay?"

"What if-"

"No," He muttered, voice firm. "No what if. No more but what about...no...if it happens, we'll suffer together. But it won't happen again. I will do everything in my God-given power to see to it that we don't go through it again." He put his hands on her shoulder, gently pushing her away so he could look into her dark brown eyes. "I promise, I won't let you be alone anymore."

"Tomorrow would have been his birthday…" She whispered, looking down at the floor, her knuckle brushing away her tears. "He would have been three."

"I know. And Nessa would have beaten him senseless at least four times by now...and we'd take him to visit your mom and my parents and he'd have eaten at least a million bugs by this point. And you know he'd need stitches because I'm such a daredevil." He snickered gently, kissing her hair and brushing a hand over her unruly locks. "But weather it's a boy or a girl, I promise I'm not going to care...not like that, anyway. I wouldn't mind another chance at a son...but I'm not going to lose sleep if it's a girl."

"You always did know what to say to make me feel human, didn't you?" She sighed and moved away, brushing a hand over her face quick to get the tears off and smooth out her frizzy hair. "I guess I should get dressed so we can tell your parents."

"I'm okay sitting here with you in a tee shirt a little while longer. I mean, it is a view I never really grow tired of." He smiled a little, trying to cheer her up. "I mean it, Becky. We're in this together."

"I know, Jean, I heard you the first six times." Her smile faltered for a moment, her lip trembling again. "I don't know how to tell Vanessa."

"We'll worry about that another time. Right now, you need to focus on getting dressed. Vanessa's with mom for the day, so we can get you an appointment, get you looked at, see how it's going...and worry about all the other things if they come up. But you can't let that one moment ruin this for you. You told me last night you wanted another baby. Where's that sleepy Becky who was whispering in my ear about how I was going to be a daddy again? The one who wasn't scared of the future?"

"...you heard that…?" She shook her head now, laughing lightly. "Yeah, I wonder where she went. We're going to do this...we're going to be parents again…" She kissed his forehead and smiled. "Thank you, Jean. For reminding me that we survived this once before...both times. And hell, Vanessa turned out pretty okay."

"You mean perfect? Yes, she did." He grinned proudly at the mention of their daughter. It was no secret he'd fallen in love with her long before she was ever born, and he'd do anything for that little girl. She was spoiled, and a little bit temperamental, but she was theirs - and every bit the product of both her parents. "God, she's going to be so excited now that she's old enough to understand what's going on."

"How about we...wait until we see the baby before telling her? So we can show her…you know? She might just think I swallowed watermelon seeds or something." She blinked a few times at his reaction, the dumbfound and stupefied look on his face caused her to giggle. "She told me once that pregnant women swallowed watermelon seeds, that it was why they were so big."

"I think we have a lot of explaining to do." He blushed bright crimson before coughing. "Yeah...a lot of explaining…"