Kurt wasn't sure how much time had elapsed between the end of his phone call, which cemented a decision in his mind, and his booting up his laptop to speak with Blaine. He had to tell him, Blaine deserved to know before anyone else as it would ultimately have the greatest impact on them. Kurt found himself fighting to keep his breathing steady just at the thought of it. He wasn't in the greatest state right now, and he knew that Blaine would detect it as soon as he saw him. Maybe he shouldn't do a video call? But then again, that would worry Blaine more than seeing his face. He would realise instantly that there was a reason Kurt was hiding from him.
He opened the program, frankly relieved when he saw Blaine's icon set to away. He couldn't do it, not yet. He stood up, aware of the tension in his frame as he went into his bathroom to scrub at his face. It reddened his skin slightly, giving his a bit more colour in his face, but nothing he could do would change the puffy state of his eyes and the wateriness of his voice when he spoke. He could just save the conversation for a later date, but that would be too great a burden to bear. He had to know that Blaine would not resent him. And so, he returned, and with the bit of courage that he mustered after he saw the change in Blaine's status, he pressed call, regretting it almost immediately. Was he really prepared for what he had to say?
"You're early poppet," Blaine's warm voice said by way of greeting.
"Hey," Kurt returned, and immediately saw the way Blaine straightened. "He was concerned."
"What's wrong?" he asked concern in his tone. "Did something happen today? You've been crying. How can I help?"
Kurt's lower lip wobbled at the question. This was his Blaine, always willing to help fix whatever was wrong in his life. Was he so selfish that he couldn't just do the one thing that he knew Blaine wanted of him? He sniffed, and passed his hand under his eyes to prevent anything from escaping. He couldn't lose control again, or he would never get through this.
"I made up my mind about what I want to do," he said finally, meeting Blaine's gaze. "And I don't want you to hate me because of it."
A myriad of emotions flashed across Blaine's face, something that tore into Kurt's heart and drew a next, louder sniffle from him. The sound seemed to jar Blaine, for immediately he schooled his face into one of offering comfort, trying to hide his true feelings.
"It's okay Kurt," he told him. "I understand. Time spent focussing on your arm is for the best. We made it through this year. We can do it again."
Despite the situation, startled laughter burst from Kurt's lips, a tear slipping loose that he distractedly flipped away. "Oh no honey," he replied as he took in Blaine's confused expression. "I'm not staying in Ohio. Gods no. I'm not staying here a minute more than I have to."
The relief on Blaine's face was tangible. "Good," he said, voice considerably lighter, "you staying would have been stupid anyway. I'm pretty sure you can find a better physical therapist in New York."
Kurt snorted, but he didn't comment on his boyfriend's changed words. He had known that Blaine had mostly given his first response to not pile guilt upon him.
"So what's this about then?" Blaine inquired, his voice more relaxed. "Do you want to move into NYU's dorms instead of living with me?"
And there it was, Kurt thought bleakly, the assumption that showed just how much Blaine would end up hating him by the end of their conversation. "Blaine?"
"Yes Kurt?" he responded.
"Is it okay if I don't choose NYU?" he asked, lowering his gaze.
Silence.
Pure silence.
His boyfriend didn't even know what to say. Kurt forced his eyes back up, a strangled sound escaping his throat as he took in Blaine's expression, one of pure shock. "I'm sorry!" he rasped out, his voice wavering more than ever. "Don't hate me." Blaine still didn't answer and he didn't have to. Kurt knew what he was thinking. He had let him down, broken all of the promises that he had made. Blaine would resent him now.
Kurt pushed the laptop of him and pulled his legs up so that he could bury his head against them, distressed sounds passing his lips. Why had he been so foolish, so stupid and so selfish? He was being greedy. He was already going to be in New York, why couldn't he have just been satisfied with that? Distantly he could hear Blaine's voice, but the ferocity of his thoughts made it impossible for him to comprehend what he was saying; he wasn't sure he wanted to hear what he was saying. He wanted to break it off, their arrangements. They had never spoken about NYU in terms of if but rather of when. It was a foregone conclusion that Kurt would attend the same school as him. They had spoken about it, about Blaine showing him around the campus so that Kurt would not get hopelessly lost like he had in his first days. They would sneak into each other's lectures when possible and meet up for lunch whenever they could and walk each other to classes. Blaine had already reassured him that there was pair seating available in the libraries so that they could be together while they worked. And now, in one question, one moment of greed, he had ruined it.
He flinched when, in the middle of his misery, a hand landed against his back, rubbing firmly. He knew that hand…Finn's. He eased himself out of his position enough to look up to find Finn looking down at him with concerned eyes.
"Let's get you calmed down okay?" he said easily, before sitting down beside him, pulling Kurt into his side and letting him bury his head against him. Sounds still escaped his mouth, and his thoughts still threatened to overwhelm him, but held securely like this anchored him, relaxed him enough so that he could hear the words that Finn was saying to him.
"That's right kiddo, just breathe for me. You're okay. Everything will be okay. You've got Blaine worried little dude. So breathe okay? That's right, just like that." He rocked him gently as he continued. "You're letting your thoughts get ahead of you again. No…don't panic…relax. That's right little dude. Everything is okay. Right Blaine?"
"Exactly," Blaine responded, and, opening his eyes, Kurt saw that Finn's phone was beside him on the bed, set on speaker. "I didn't mean to scare you Kurt," he heard. "Your question caught me off-guard, that's all."
"I'm sorry," Kurt choked out, and Finn rubbed his back a bit more firmly. "I'm sorry."
"You have nothing to be sorry about Kurt," Blaine told him sincerely. "Finn, maybe he should take an anti-anxiety pill? He's taking long to calm down."
"I'll get him one," Finn agreed, although it took a bit longer for Kurt to relinquish his hold on him so he could do so.
"I'm sorry," he repeated, as his brother went to get him some water.
Blaine shushed him, and Kurt found himself trying to decide if he should be focussing on the phone he now held, or the discarded laptop tossed to the side of him. "We'll talk in a bit sweetheart. Just work on your breathing and to calm down for me, okay? Nothing is wrong. So please, just relax."
Kurt nodded, and focussed on his breathing.
"Here you go," Finn said upon his return, holding out the pill.
"You can't just keep drugging me everything I get upset," Kurt groused, and he heard twin laughter in response. He knew what they were thinking; if he was complaining about his medication, then he truly was getting back into a stable state.
"You got upset because Blaine took too long to answer a question," Finn pointed out, as he downed the water.
"I got overwhelmed."
"Which is exactly what that is for," Finn stated, taking back the glass. "It helps keep you from turning mole hills into Mt. Everest."
"This is Mt. Everest," Kurt retorted, and a bit of misery returned to his voice. "I'm sorry."
He heard Blaine sigh. "I'm tempted to ask Finn to bop you one for me, poppet," he said dryly. "You have nothing to be sorry for."
"Whatever you guys are talking about can't be that bad," Finn added, running his fingers through Kurt's hair in a manner he knew he liked.
"It's the end of the world."
"Oh boy. Blaine, give him a few minutes for the tablet to take effect okay?"
"I will," Blaine confirmed, "thanks for coming."
"It's no problem," he returned. "You're going to be okay now, Kurt?" he asked, tugging lightly on a few strands so that Kurt would look up at him.
"Eventually."
Finn shook his head in fond exasperation and bent, kissing his forehead. "Whatever is going on here," he whispered, "is not that bad okay? Stop worrying so much."
Kurt nodded, and Finn offered him a soft smile before releasing him. "Someone call me whenever you two have sorted this out. I need to talk to the both of you."
"We will," Blaine promised, his voice a bit intrigued, while Kurt settled for nodding again. He could feel the artificial calm running through him now. His thoughts were still there, but the force they had on him was lessening.
"Later dudes," Finn said, and left.
"Sorry about that," Kurt told his boyfriend, as he pulled the laptop back onto his lap.
"Never apologise for that," Blaine replied. "It's still something you're working to control. I should be the one apologising for triggering it anyway."
"I-"
"Let me talk for a moment," Blaine requested. "Your question caught me off guard Kurt, but that doesn't mean that I'm angry at you. I was just surprised because I really hadn't considered that you would decide against coming to NYU. I thought that was what you wanted, but Kurt, it's fine if it's not. So talk to me. I'm listening. Tell me what it is you want."
"I want to be with you," Kurt answered.
"I know that."
"But…it can't be the only reason I attend a school."
Blaine nodded in acceptance of that. "I know you only applied because I'm here. You're coming to New York because of me. Did I pressure you into this somehow? Is that the issue? Do you want to go to Louisville?"
"I would have left Ohio regardless," he responded. "You didn't pressure me into doing that. Please don't think that. I think I would have ended up in New York anyway. You just gave me a concrete reason to do so."
"So you are coming to New York then?" Blaine asked.
"I am," Kurt confirmed, running his hand through his hair. "I'm sorry. I should have started out just saying that, shouldn't I?"
"Might have saved a bit of hassle," Blaine agreed, with a soft chuckle.
"Sorry."
"No apologies poppet," Blaine repeated. "I'll be honest and say that I'm a bit disappointed that you're not going to attend with me, but it is your life, your choice sweetheart. You have to do what is best for you, and I will stand by you no matter what you've decided to do."
"Even if we won't be together as much?"
Blaine offered him a rueful smile. "We'll still be coming home to each other at the end of each day, you know. Unless you really want to dorm?"
"Hell no Anderson. I'm moving in."
Blaine laughed at that, and Kurt could hear the underlying relief in his tone.
"I'm matriculating into Columbia," Kurt stated once his laughing eased away. He snorted when Blaine threw his hands in the air with mock-anguish and declared, "Damn it, why did I turn down a spot there?"
"Silly."
"Just showing you how much it's not going to matter," Blaine told him sincerely, "although Wes and David are never going to let me live this down."
Kurt smiled fondly at the thought. "I should explain what I'm going to do."
"Journalism and Fashion right?"
"Well, sort of," Kurt agreed, before wriggling back so that he was more comfortably seated against the headboard. Talking about it was a lot easier now that he had the reassurance that Blaine wasn't angry with him. But then again, he acknowledged, he had been over-thinking and over-analysing it.
"Sort of?"
"The partnership programme works both ways," he explained. "I spent a while talking to a representative before I called you."
Blaine looked at him curiously. "So you're going to do theatre as well?"
"I'm going to try to," Kurt confirmed, nipping his lip. "I'd end up graduating with a double minor in Fashion and Theatre Arts this way. The lady at Columbia said that usually their students have to audition to qualify for the NYADA courses, the same way that NYADA students have to take pre-requisites to qualify for a class. However, since NYADA accepted me as a student on my own merit, I'd automatically qualify.
"I don't like how this entire NYADA thing came about Blaine, and I think you know that, but now that I have the opportunity, I think it'd be a waste for me to not at least try. This way I won't have to choose just yet. It won't be easy, I know that, and she already warned me that I'd have to take classes year round to make this work. But for now I want to try to do all three. And, if it gets to be too much, or if I decide that there's something I don't like as much anymore, then I'll just drop that and focus on what's left."
Blaine nodded. "I know that this hasn't been easy for you, Kurt. Neither has it been fair. You haven't talked to me much about it, but I know you've always hated trying to find out what there was left for you to do. None of us know what the future holds Kurt. We still don't know how far your arm can recover. It mightn't even be an issue for you by the time you graduate from college. I think you're right in choosing this. You'll be studying what you love now, and that, and your arm, can help guide you later on. "
"I can be a triple threat."
"My triple threat," Blaine responded, in a way that left Kurt feeling warm and loved.
They spent the next hour or so just talking, sometimes about the future, other times about the present. Finally, Blaine recalled Finn's parting words to them. "Do you want to see what Finn wanted now?"
Kurt nodded, sitting up once again. Sometime in the middle of his conversation, for comfort, he had braced the laptop on a pillow and had rolled onto his stomach. He stressed, humming as his bones popped. "I'm just glad these pills don't make me drowsy," he said.
"I don't know," Blaine replied playfully, "I sort of miss the stronger ones. They made for hilarious conversations."
"Quiet you," Kurt grumbled.
"I'm going to go get a drink while you call him, okay?" Blaine said putting aside the laptop.
"Who said I was walking?" he retorted, before hollering his brother's name. Finn called back that he was coming, and they both ignored Burt's subsequent shout from below about inside voices. His own response was defeating the point of his statement. Standing, Kurt moved the laptop to his desk, connecting it to the speakers for ease of conversation.
"You guys sorted your issues out?" Finn asked, as he entered the room.
"I'm going to Columbia," Kurt said by way of answer.
"And the sky didn't fall," he teased, chuckling when Kurt smacked his chest. "Congratulations little bro," he told him, a bit more seriously.
"Thanks."
"Back guys."
"Didn't we agree on no soda?" Kurt demanded, glaring at the glass in his hand.
Blaine gave him an innocent look. "Nick hid my SodaStream?"
"What were you using it on?"
"No comment."
"Blaine!"
"Should have made myself some popcorn," Finn said nonchalantly, snagging a seat on Kurt's desk chair. He waited patiently as the two sniped at each other for a bit more, more amused than anything else. Observing them gave him a few more seconds to plan out what it was that he wanted to say. "Are you two done now?" he asked when finally, silence descended.
"Yes. Blaine can rot his teeth away if that's what he wants."
"Dentures were invented for a reason," Blaine retorted, before pointedly taking a large sip. "So," he said, in far too cheerful a tone, "What are we talking about?"
"Yes, what?" Kurt seconded, "I'm honoured to finally be allowed into your little lady chats by the way."
"Yeah well, I want you to hear what I have to say," Finn told him, his face serious as he turned to Blaine. "Do you love my brother?"
"With all my heart," Blaine responded immediately. "You know this."
"Can you take care of him?" Finn continued on. "Can I trust you with him? It's going to be different you know. This isn't just going to be you two spending a few days together. You guys are going to live with each other, alone. You won't have anyone around to buffer if Kurt acts up."
"Hey!" Kurt protested. Finn's choice of words made him seem like a recalcitrant child.
"I'm prepared for all situations," Blaine confirmed, "as I am sure he's prepared to deal with me."
"Do you swear?" Finn pressed.
"I solemnly swear," Blaine confirmed.
"What's this about Finn?" Kurt asked. "There's still a few months before I leave."
Finn ignored him, still focussed on Blaine. "This is not something you can back out of lightly," Finn informed him. "If you have any doubts about this, hell, even about your relationship with Kurt, Blaine, I need to know this. Now. Kurt's in for the long haul, the really long haul. I need to know if you're the same."
"Would an engagement ring help?" Blaine asked, and Kurt's breath hitched as he realised that Blaine was only partially kidding. "Are you worried about your little brother living in sin?"
"I'm worrying about my little brother being in New York by himself if things don't work out between you two."
By himself. It all clicked into place for Kurt in that moment, and the humour and emotions (engagement ring!) faded as he focussed on those two words.
"Finn," Kurt said, feeling that telltale lump start reformulating itself in his throat, "you really do want to go to Berkeley, don't you?"
"I'm not going if I can't trust Blaine to take care of you," he stated firmly, briefly glancing at him. "If hobbit here can't promise me that he's going to make sure you're okay, I'm going to enrol into NYU so I can take care of you myself."
"You don't have to," Blaine promised, even as Kurt said loudly, "I won't let you!"
"Kurt-"
"Finn, no," Kurt declared, and reached out to take his hand. "I saw your face when you read that letter. You want to go to Berkeley. I won't let you give that up for me."
"Berkeley is in California, Kurt. I'll be over two thousand miles away. I won't be able to get to you immediately if you need me."
"You need to stop babying me," Kurt protested, dropping down so that they were eye-level. "Finn, you don't have to put that responsibility on Blaine. I can take care of myself. I can live on my own if I need to, but I won't have to. I have Blaine."
"Blaine hasn't lived with you Kurt," Finn protested. "He doesn't know that there are nights where you don't want to go to sleep because the memories are near. He doesn't know that when you say you're tired that you're going to go sit in a corner and pick at your arm. He doesn't know that he's going to have to drop a plate in front of you and demand you eat when you get engrossed in something because otherwise you'll just forget to. I know that."
"I can learn," Blaine piped up, but neither of them really paid much attention to him.
"Yes I want to go to Berkeley Kurt," Finn continued, "but I can learn the same in NYU as I can there. If you need me, I am going to come to New York with you."
"I don't want you too," Kurt said firmly. "Finn, I've told you this before. You've given up too much for me."
"I haven't."
"You have!" Kurt interjected. "I see so much more than you think I do Finn. Do you think I haven't noticed that Sam is the only one you really talk to anymore? You've stopped going out on weekends. You're never on your phone anymore or on social media and every time you come back from Football practice, you're always muttering about how stupid Puckerman is being. I've seen the slushie stains Finn, and you dropped out of glee club, dropped out. I know it's because of me, and I'm sorry."
"It wasn't all about you," Finn corrected, "I changed. I changed too much and they couldn't accept it."
"You changed for me and because of me," Kurt stated. "I love you Finn, but you can't continue living your life in a way that benefits me. I want you to do what you want to do because I want you happy. Blaine, I think that's what you were telling me."
"It was," he confirmed. "Finn, listen to Kurt. I swear to you that I will protect your brother, regardless of our future, although it will never come to that. I will keep Kurt safe, and he will do the same for me. So please, if you want to go to Berkeley, don't let us keep you back from your dream."
"Ditto," Kurt said in agreement, looking up at him pleadingly.
Finn stared deeply into his eyes, then turned, doing the same to Blaine. "Fine," he said finally, sinking back into the chair. "I'm going to trust the both of you with this. But if you need me Kurt, I will come. Never doubt that."
"That won't be necessary," Kurt told him, and leaned up to kiss his cheek. "Besides, I'd think that California would be a better state to study anyway, especially when you want to specialise in Physical Education."
Finn shot him a sheepish look then, and Kurt arched his brow when he rubbed at his neck nervously. "Actually...that's what I applied to study in New York little bro."
"What are you studying in Berkeley then?" Kurt asked, his eyes narrowing suspiciously when Finn shot a glance towards Blaine.
"Umm...well...you know...Remember when I told you I was helping Ms P out?"
"Yeah, for extra credit. It was Blaine's idea."
"Yeah, well, I wasn't just learning management skills. She was helping me learn the basics of psychology."
"This is not going to be good," Blaine pointed out, and Finn shot him a helplessly nervous look as the pieces fell in place for Kurt and he backed away.
Kurt continued to stare at him with growing disbelief, before finally saying, "Finn Hudson, you're going to Berkeley to become the enemy and you encouraged him Blaine?!"