Welcome.
We here at Flywheel, Shyster and Flywheel are inclined to inform you that the following is a continuation of the previously published documents 'ERROR' and 'ERROR', so ifffffffffffffffailure to access proper greeting attempting reboot ERROR ERROR
SysSysSysSysSystems failure.
Have an odd and lovely mad day.
Hey, guys! Sorry about that, no idea what that was about. Weird, right?
So I've been feeling kinda inspired to write lately and I thought that I would attempt to do my own Reverse AU! It's my first time doing so and I'm not really sure how it's going to end yet so I can't promise any pairings straight off the bat, though there might be some KevEdd to find here and there. *wink, wink*
Oh, yeah, the whole thing below is just a boring prologue that you don't really need to bother reading so you can just skip ahead to the next chapter if you wanna get this whole Reverse party started! Woop, woop!
Hope you like it and please review! Reviews help me write!
Love, Flywheel!
In the beginning, there was nothing. This was rather frowned upon by the neighbors who thought that someone should have taken responsibility for it and at least mow the lawn every now and then to give it some personality. Most of them were only moderately annoyed at the nothingness but this could easily turn into immense irritation whenever a guest to one of their candle light suppers had managed to take a wrong turn and disappeared into the nothingness, never to be seen this side of the hemisphere again. In the end, this happened often enough to be considered a nuisance.
One particular day having had enough, the neighbors gathered in the middle of the street, mustered up whatever upper middle class courage they had and walked up to the nothingness. Unsure of how to properly approach the awkwardness of the situation, they knocked. A moment passed. They knocked again. Another moment passed. Yet again they knocked and yet another moment passed but this time, Mr. Flügeldörfén lost his temper and hollered up at the nothingness to take its responsibility and gather up all of the loose moments it had running around wildly. To their great surprise, as they were all rather cowardly deep down and hadn't really expected anything to come out of this confrontation, this caused a door to open, out of which a young man stepped.
"Yes?" The man, casually dressed, didn't even bother to look up from the pad he held in his hand as he scribbled away manically. The neighbors stared silently in awe; this was the first time they had any sort of indication that someone actually held ownership of the nothingness and a few began to wonder what they could bring to the inevitable barbecue held in this young man's honor.
"Uhm, hello." Mrs. Schlatttenfort said, fiddling nervously with the links of her bracelet. "We are your new neighbors and we just wanted to-"
"Neighbors?" The man finally looked up, a sense of confusion escaping through his sleep deprived eyes. He observed them peculiarly before stepping out even further, taking a second or so to look around the pristine neighborhood and quickly arching an eyebrow. An Audi's car alarm began to blare over on Evertrapp Street.
"Yes. Yes indeed, young man." Major Minor said with his usual air of pompousness. The left side of his heavy mustache tingled talking to this character but he couldn't really make out why. The man in turn looked at the Major like he had seen a ghost.
"I shouldn't have neighbors. I shouldn't-" He stopped in the middle of his sentence after glancing back and he turned, staring absentmindedly at the structure he had emerged from. "I definitely shouldn't have this."
"I say, are you feeling quite alright?" The Major took a step forward, having dealt with mental disorders first hand during his time in the army.
"I'm Ish, by the way." The man, Ish, threw the introduction over his shoulder and shuddered when it didn't even smack someone in the face. "This is wrong." He muttered to himself." So terribly, terribly wrong. I haven't seen this level of normality since… Never."
"Look, we can come back another time if there's something you would like to fix." Mr. Masterstand, the newlywed husband, began to slowly move his wife backwards a few steps; Ish would obviously be a good candidate to hold the title of neighborhood weirdo and the sooner they distanced themselves from him, the better.
"No, no, no!" Ish spun around and offered them all a strained smile. "Apologies for my frazzled appearance and behavior, neighbors dear; this move has been a rather strenuous endeavor and I must have, for a moment, believed that I was still living in my old hometown."
"Where would that be then?" Mrs. Schlattenfort said, finding this strange man much more attractive than she did her husband.
Ish chuckled nervously and ignored the question. "I say, why don't you all come over tomorrow at five for a barbecue? I can get to know you, you get to know me; we eat, drink, make merry and all that. What do you say?" The crowd of neighbors murmured positively in response.
"Five o'clock it is then!" Mr. Schlattenfort said enthusiastically, finding this pleasantly strange man a lot more attractive than he did his wife.
"We shall be there!" Mr. Masterstand said cheerfully; someone who invites his neighbors into his backyard for a bit of grilling surely could not be that weird.
"I will bring the cobblers!" Mrs. Ampersand exclaimed joyously, excited to finally be using the oven for something other than taking care of the neighbors' annoying cats streaking through her garden.
"Marvelous." Ish said flatly. "Uhm; gentleman with mustache!" He cried out as the crowd began to disperse, making the Major turn around mid-step and give him a puzzling look.
"Yes, young man?"
"Could I speak with you for a moment? I, uh, found this war chest down in the basement and I was wondering if you could tell me a little bit more about it. You know, the uniform and everything; I imagine that's right up your… Alley." The neighbors perked up at this, also interested to see this mysterious chest, but found to their disappointment that they were already on their good way to disperse through their respective front doors.
"Certainly! I shall be more than happy to!" The Major bowed his head slightly to Ish as he walked by and stepped through the front door of the cozy little two story house. "If you do not mind me asking, young chap, do you live alone here? It is an awfully big home for a young feller-"
"Joe, for heaven's sake, snap out of it!" Ish slammed the door shut behind him and grabbed a firm hold of the Major's lapels, giving him a pleading look. "Something is terribly wrong here!"
"I say, unhand me!" The Major attempted to take a step back but Ish's hold just grew firmer.
"No, look, listen." Ish gave the older man's jacket a firm shake, the medals on chest clanging against each other. "We don't belong here, alright? Something weird, weirder than usual, has happened and I need your help."
"Now see here!" The Major barked and broke Ish's hold. Straightening out his clothing, he gave Ish a harsh, unforgiving look. "I haven't the faintest what it is you are blabbering about here! My name is Major Sharp Minor of the 132nd Infantry and I can safely say that I have never had the good misfortune to meet you before in my entire life!" The heavy mustache followed the Major's wildly enunciating mouth perfectly to the young man's great disappointment.
"Oh, this is not good..." Ish ran a hand through his hair, eyes nervously flickering around the hallway.
"Now, if this is all you wanted, I shall be more than happy to leave you to your frantic behavior!"
"No, wait!" Ish's face lit up in a bright smile. "I do apologize for my frantic behavior, Major; frazzled from the move and all. Please, won't you join me for a cup of tea?" He motioned to the kitchen and the Major smacked his lips tryingly. "I truly am sorry; it's been quite a week."
"I dare say that I have yet to partake in my cup of the day, and it is always three o'clock somewhere..." The Major gave Ish a questioning look over before shrugging. "Oh, what the devil; let us partake in the glorious mixture of water and herbs!"
"Well, it's always four twenty somewhere..."
"Pardon?"
"I said: Let us!" Ish led the way into the tastelessly decorated kitchen, making sure to pat the dog sitting patiently at the table on the head.
"My word, that is a curious breed you have there." The Major stopped in front of an empty seat, standing firmly at attention, and inspected the black and white canine unlike anything he had ever seen. Its muzzle was pointed, almost unnaturally so, and its back legs were a quarter of the length of the front legs.
"Yes, little Gordon; scared the living daylights out of me first time I saw him; thought he was an unlucky bird at first." Ish said while rummaging around in cabinets, preparing two cups of a tea from a blend that had been labeled 'Ice'.
"Yes, yes; I can see the resemblance."
"Please, Major, sit." Ish turned around with the two cups and set them down on the table, the Major finally taking his seat. The dog prodded Ish's side pleadingly. "No, none for you."
"Oh, a beggar?"
"Only when I fry fish."
"Ah, of course. Thank you." The Major picked up the cup and held it inches away from his mustache, taking a long sniff of the content. "Quite a curious blend here. What did you say it was?"
"I didn't." Ish responded impatiently, tapping his finger against the tabletop in a rhythmic manner.
"I seem to detect..." The mustache twitched as the Major inhaled the aromas again. "Is that nutmeg?"
"If I'm to be completely honest, parting gift from my family, haven't got the faintest." Ish blew violently at his own tea and scratched his temple, feeling increasingly annoyed with something. "Have a taste, I'm told it's delightful."
"Oh, it certainly smells that way!" The Major chuckled merrily. "So what is it you do, young man?"
"I'm... A writer." Ish let out reluctantly.
"A writer? My heavens, anything I would recognize?" The Major leaned forward with great interest and put his cup back down on the table, making Ish wince.
"Very much doubtful, not yet published. Unclear if I'll ever be, tedious process these days."
"Ah, some of that old writer's block, eh?"
"Quite the opposite; too many things to write at once." Ish inhaled sharply. "Now, to the street." He raised his cup ceremoniously towards the Major in an overly keen fashion, a gesture the Major politely returned.
"To the street and to you, young man, for joining us." The older man nodded and let a small sip of the hot beverage pass between his smiling lips slowly. He was rather pleased with how pleasantly things were turning out this afternoon.
"So, Major; please tell me a little bit about yourself." Ish, having feverishly downed his whole cup in one giant gulp, leaned back with a pained smirk, regretting letting his impatience get the better of him for the sake of his now burnt throat.
"Well, son." The Major began. "I joined the armed forces back in-" He stopped speaking and frowned slightly.
"Something the matter, Major?" Ish asked, lazily scratching the dog behind its right ear.
"No, no, I don't think so." The Major cleared his throat. "As I said, I joined-" This time, the face of the old man scrunched up into a grimace of displeasure. "I was-" A series of comical expressions soon followed as the Major's mouth began to move up and down, stretch and contract, all while he kept glancing downwards.
"Major, whatever is the matter?" Ish asked innocently but didn't wait for a response, instead he stood up and opened the fridge door, taking out a plate wrapped in tinfoil and placing a quarter inside. "Gotta be polite from here on in, once had a lamp try to jump me like in the Pixar logo. You a Pixar fan, Major?"
"Sorry, son, I just- Would you say that there's something peculiar going on with my mustache?" The Major looked up, doing all in his power to ignore the nagging belief that his mustache was making obscene gestures every time he spoke, and looked on as Ish put the plate down on the table in front of the dog.
"Nothing too severe; I do believe pink is a nice shade on you." Ish patted the dog's head twice and snickered to himself when it began to devour the contents of the plate; a rather tasty looking piece of fish.
"I beg your pardon?" The Major's eyebrow's shot up in surprise and, being the military veteran he was, threw himself out of his seat a split second after Ish had launched something in his direction. "ARE YOU MAD, YOUNG MAN?!"
"We're all mad here." Ish stalked past the floored Major, flashing him an enthusiastic smile, and stopped in front of the wall, taking a firm hold of and pulling out the pen he had thrown moments earlier. Two white, and now pierced, eyebrows were quickly caught in his empty hand which he then stretched out towards the Major. "I would hang onto these, sir; eyebrows can be deceptive, even more so than a pink mustache." The military officer held up a shaky hand to his forehead only to find that the eyebrows he had been pleased to rent out space to had indeed vacated the premises. The hand closed itself and the shaky finger that remained on the outside and pointing in Ish's direction pouted sadly at being left out.
"You- Who are you?" Panicked eyes shot downwards as the fabulously pink mustache had begun to swing around violently, continuing to do so even after the words became locked behind the Major's lips.
"Well-" Ish's hand found his mouth to contain a runaway laugh when the mustache reached a velocity high enough to function as a rotor, essentially making Major Minor a smaller aircraft and getting the frightened man back to his feet. "Oh, I-" Ish cleared his throat and spoke louder. "I do apologize; I should've done the whole safety speech first thing after the tea but it's been so long since I've had to use the Ice blend, I completely forgot how groovy some of the side effects are."
"The tea." The Major repeated the words slowly to himself, even if he could barely hear them over the roaring sound of his spinning facial hair. The kitchen appliances began to stir much like a hungover woman being awoken from a deep, restless slumber. "But- I just had a sip… WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE TEA?!" He would have lunged for the younger man had he not been using all of his strength to brace himself from flying into the wall.
"Oh, Major. You must understand that this-" Ish extended his arms and smiled wholeheartedly as the toaster started to jump around excitedly on the counter, the chairs extended their legs to trip the table which sent the two cups and plate smashing into the floor where they became the very solution to all of mankind's problems. Alas, it was soon eaten by the happily honking dog which, even the Major had to admit in his terrified state looked better, had gone to turn into a penguin. "All of this is the tea. It's my, our, Ice-tea, if you'll pardon the pun." A gavel echoed throughout the house and a deep voice cried out 'GUILTY', followed by a loud murmur of disagreeing voices. The oranges jumped out of their bowl and rolled over to the coffee machine; it was going to be a long night's work ahead to spread the controversial verdict and the presses were sure to be running hot.
"I-I don't understand." The Major, almost surprised to find that he was slightly relieved to know that the situation could be explained by something as simple as a drug-induced hallucination, took a firm hold of his mustache and wrestled it to a standstill with a tremendous amount of willpower. "Why me?"
"It stands for something, you know. Not that anyone ever asks." Ish pulled out a notebook from his back pocket and scribbled down something on a page which he then tore off and threw against the wall where it was sucked into the hole his pen had made earlier and dutifully accepted as a command. "It's literally our ICE-tea, Joe, in the case of an emergency where we need to go back."
"Back where?" The Major asked, his voice sounding a little gruffer than it usually was. He tried clearing it, but that only brought about a series of mashed potato airplanes swooping down from above that narrowly missed his head, the tater tots inside shouting profanity in their rage that a runway hadn't been cleared.
"Home." The hole in the wall began to nibble at the edges of the wallpaper and following Ish's request for a 'Portal, please', it had soon eaten itself into a sea of swirling colors where imaginary dreams and improbable hopes sang Wagner with the moon.
"Sir?" The Major jerked; he hadn't called anyone Sir out of anything but politeness since he had left the army fourteen years prior yet there was a sense of familiarity about the whole situation that called for it. "What the blazes is going on here?"
"If my suspicions are correct, Joe dear friend, I would say that trouble is brewing. Follow me; there is much to fear." With a contradictory smile reaching from ear to ear, Ish picked up the penguin which honked happily and strolled into the colorful sea.
"Why do I get the feeling I should ask for a raise…?" With a last gruff thought of opposition, the Major let go of his common sense and followed the young man through the magical gateway which then proceeded to chop some onions, having heard that a neighborhood barbecue was going to take place the following day.