Citadel
The reception to that statement was decidedly frigid, stretching for minutes until Liara broke it. "Only if Feron's programmed parameters allow somebody else to handle it," she said.
"The handing of the crystal to Shepard is of import to this Lance, he will insist that it be handed to her," Telienos agreed.
With relief and a faint challenging smile, Shepard turned to Javik. "Still want to put yourself out for the honors?"
"My argument is valid though I concede the probability of his refusal to let any but you touch the crystal is high," he said with a faint air of chagrin. "However you cannot confront him alone. The time and place has to be of your choosing. I will accompany you."
"We will be there," Telienos corrected, giving Shepard a quelling stare when she opened her mouth to object. "Make whatever arrangements and preparations you need."
"We should keep it covert," Liara emphasized on the last. "Unless we use our own security than C-Sec," she suggested tentatively.
"That's the scrub," Shepard agreed. "C-Sec may allow it to take place within their own parameters or tell us to take it elsewhere. If they impound the crystal, that could worsen the situation."
"Which would you rather have?" asked Telienos.
"I've been thinking about it," Shepard said slowly. "I would prefer not to involve C-Sec, risk anyone or the station. Feron said it has to be handed to me but there's no specified location."
"It can be anywhere." Liara tried to think of alternatives but Shepard beat her to it.
"Hardsuits and shuttle. A safe distance away from the station. We'll take one of Normandy's shuttles, have EDI monitor life signs."
"Why life signs?" Liara wanted to know.
"I'd prefer her not to link to the shuttle on the premise the crystal could compromise her mainframe." Shepard looked at the group. "Thoughts?"
"I can think of no better," said Javik. The rest murmured in assent.
"Then we'll just have to decide on the time and day. I've a conference tomorrow morning. Unless something comes out of it, the afternoon is free."
Both Telienos and Javik had no objection.
"I will let Feron know you will meet him soon and see what he says," said Liara.
"Don't meet him in person, send a message," advised Telienos. She waited until Liara reluctantly assent to that precaution before turning to Shepard. "With that out of the way, which question would you like to tackle?"
Shepard didn't pretend to misunderstand her. "Let's start with what's up here." She tapped her own head.
"Would you prefer to have this somewhere else?"
She meant keeping the discussion private, Shepard realised. "No, it's fine." Liara would want to know the outcome and Javik could offer some advice on the Cipher.
"Did you experience any problems on the mission? Nightmares similar to what you had when Cerberus recovered you?" When Shepard shook her head, Telienos went on. "How did you feel when you carried out the mission?"
Shepard wasn't certain how to answer that. "Focused," she said finally.
"Dread? Irresolution with your orders? Your decisions? I do not mean any that has to do with Miona T'Riest." Telienos looked at her intently.
"I didn't feel overly high-strung if that's what you meant and questions, yes, I do question my decisions."
"Every good commander does," said Telienos, "but the questions you asked of yourself, were they tactical or personal assessment of the situation?"
Although taken aback, Shepard answered immediately. "Tactical." Was there a difference?
Telienos understood her confusion.
"Think back. Do you remember telling me how you felt when you accepted the offer and the mission from the Illusive Man. It was a task you would have seen to yourself if you were with the Alliance. To have it put on you from a source you do not trust and to owe a life debt to, there was deep distrust. Further more, you did not believe your own identity. You questioned yourself, your feelings, every action you took because you could not believe they did not meddle with your mind, influenced your decisions. Despite these difficulties, the aspiring and resourceful characteristics you acquired in your development, your determination to save people, the galaxy and find the answers to your original quest helped you to forge on.
The matriarch paused to see if there were any questions but there was none. They were all listening with rapt attention.
"What followed after was what you had always feared. Betrayal by someone you trusted, captured and held unconscious in the presence of a malignant device," she continued. "You escaped and returned to warn the Alliance. During the Reaper conflict, the underlying fear and doubt about yourself returned and worsened. You were not only fighting the reapers, you were fighting yourself. Your perception of everything around you. Anyone would have been debilitated with such psychological stress but your resolve to end the Reapers was stronger. You fought on in the belief that if they had any influence over you, you were acting against any conditioning they might have set. If you died in the process, you welcome it."
Shepard tried not to flinch guiltily at the look of shock in Liara's eyes, grateful that the matriarch did not say that she had sought for it. Liara had not suspected at all. Some of her thoughts leaked. Telienos's light touch of Liara's arm halted whatever she was going to say.
"Against all odds, you survived but the strain created fractures in your pysche. You did not know why you lived and so many others died. You doubted the reality of the world and people around you. The deaths and destruction of the Bahak System, those who died in the conflict; the war may not have happened. Settling on Thessia may not be real either. Liara and everyone else were phantoms of your imagination or under control. All the events could have been part of a simulation run by the Reapers, lulling you into a false sense of security, making you more malleable to their suggestions, making you expend lives needlessly. Every death was an indication of outside influence."
That more than anything else explained the fury and anguish her bondmate displayed when marines died in away missions after the war, Liara realised. Shepard's insistence on going with the squads when it was not needed. Her near insubordination when she questioned her orders from Alliance Command.
Telienos went on. "You were losing control. Everyone, not just your commanding officer, saw all the signs of it."
"It was clear why Admiral Hackett ordered Shepard to go on indefinite leave. But after arriving in Thessia-," Liara trailed off, unwilling to mention those difficult months they had.
"Contrasting mood swings, nightmares and withdrawal. Have you arrived at a determination why Admiral Hackett did not order you to return to Earth for treatment? Or suggested it?" Telienos looked at Shepard keenly.
"My psych reports when I turned myself in after the Bahak incident?" she offered.
"I would not be surprised if the reports stated that you were aggressive, paranoid and deceptive."
Shepard made no comment for it was true. She didn't have to read the report. It wouldn't be available to her anyway, it was reflected on the faces and reactions of those who interviewed her.
"Admiral Hackett had access to classified and certain personal information the therapists would not have. He understood why you could not share openly. Given the skepticism about Reapers and your decision at the Bahak System, their approach would only antagonise. To put bluntly, they were not helping."
"That's an understatement," Shepard said feelingly. "So he suggested that I come to Thessia because he thought I could possibly find help?"
"That is what I surmise. He would have based his decision on the impact of your experiences of which none of your kind had ever gone through and that the asari, being the oldest advanced culture of this era, may have a different approach that empathise with your difficulties."
"Honestly, I was both angry and relieved when he cut me loose," Shepard admitted. "But deep down, I trusted him which was why I accepted his directive without trying to get myself cashiered."
"He made the right decision," said Telienos. "Your withdrawal was both beneficial and harmful. By not actively participating in any military engagements, you did not have to fight so much with yourself or question the motives of your superiors. However, retreating from any profound decisions or any discussions with your family, by merely deciding that you would accept the premise of such a possible reality meant that the problems plaguing you for so many years were not resolved. All of this crested to fall on you when you went to Ilos in response to the emergency."
"What did happen on Ilos? We never examined closely on what happened," said Liara. "We saw you talking to what we thought was a Inusannon V.I. The exchange did not seem friendly. You fell unconscious after it ended."
"It was a Inusannon V.I. The guardian of their archives, just as Vigil and Vendetta are. The attempted intrusion by Kedar triggered a defensive response. It didn't recognise what I am. It would have initiated a self-destruct sequence if I had not convinced it I was a friendly. The Cipher helped." Shepard tapped her head. "I had to sort of 'dig' in real deep to find the correct responses the Protheans used when they communicated with it. Before, when I accessed it for information, it was like opening a cupboard, taking out what I need and closing it. It was different this time, the door was opened during the dialogue."
"Why?"
"I was having difficulties understanding the V.I. The Cipher must have detected it and opened the door wide," Shepard said as she recalled the experience. "I had no control over the flow of information. I was seeing two instances of almost the same events, the past and the present. I have no idea why."
"Did you have any sensation of being probed by the inusannon?" asked Telienos.
"I'm not sure but I think it called me a guardian of memories."
"It would not have named you such if it was not aware of the Cipher," said Javik. "It could be the door was held open by the guardian to ascertain you're telling the truth or perhaps there is some requirement in the old memory."
"Can it be language?" Liara suggested. "You were conversing in what we presumed were inusannon. It did not flow smoothly. Was it because the guardian was asking difficult questions?"
"Yes," Shepard nodded. "It wanted to know what I am. It's pretty hard looking for the right words."
"Then the longer the door was held open, the further you were pulled into the memory and became lost within it," said Telienos. "This was what you feared instinctively. With the persistent resistance of your own perception of the reality around you, the situation became more intricate. You were lost within a labyrinth."
"I certainly muck up myself royally, didn't I?" Shepard said wryly. "If Liara could not be risked because of the baby, my skepticism of reality and since my mother has no ability to meld, how did you pull me out?"
"I'm afraid I misdirected you. You were unsettled and unreceptive so I told you I melded with you. I was not alone in it."
Startled by that revelation, Shepard's gaze immediately went to Liara as the obvious answer but her bondmate shook her head. "It was Hannah," she said.
"What?' Shepard gaped at Liara in astonishment.
"I went back to the most basic form of assurance you would recognise, what all of us tasted the moment we existed." Telienos smiled at Shepard's puzzlement. "When all of us felt the touch of the one who gave us life, that held us safe and secure. That which formed the foundation of sentience. Although Hannah has no melding abilities, I linked with her to send you that resonance you will accept readily, her thoughts when she carried you. It was the surest solution to draw out your consciousness, a reminder of who and what you are."
"It worked," Shepard said dubiously and felt the resolute aura from the matriarch when she met her eyes. Although she knew she had a link to Telienos from the deep melds they had in the initial dialogues, it was the first time she felt it so clearly. That meant the matriarch wanted her to know what she said was no fabrication. "You didn't choose to tell me because I was already busy walling up against her."
"You were also upset by the truth of the Cipher and the question of Shiala. Adept as you are in handling problems, these issues are closer and more personal. They have to be dealt with one by one. Starting with the ones that you are less resistant to."
"Isn't that the wrong way around?" Shepard asked curiously as she gestured with a twirl of her fingers. "Shouldn't it be the oldest lingering issue that has to be dealt with first?"
"How much success would you have in solving it? Failure begets frustration and discouragement. The first step is to begin with what you're prepared to approach. That was what you did; reliving past experiences, get in touch with the events, the feelings and decisions that made you what you are. Exploring the source of your nightmares and understand how and why they came about. Positive results bring constructive perceptions of the past, the present and the future."
"You have turned a new page of yourself," Javik said with a tilt of his head.
Perhaps but Telienos was right. She didn't have, none really, any of the bitter cold doubts she struggled with for so long. The cloudy turmoil of desperation and anger seemed like several life times away, like they happened to another person.
"So I'm back on my feet."
"I know you left feeling unsettled, worried because our sessions were cut so abruptly but you carried out what you need and want to do without any fear, any apprehension or hesitation. Do you agree?" At Shepard's nod, Telienos smiled. "You have your answer."
"What about this shield you put up?" Shepard wondered if she would be able to understand it.
"It is a construction that is part of yourself, incorporated with the original buffering from Liara and Shiala."
That wasn't what she said back then. "How many misdirection signs did you put up?" Shepard asked humourously.
"Only what is needed. I believe you can be taught conscious control but that is a session for another time. At the moment, it is not necessary to meddle with it unless you've objections to it." At Shepard's shake of her head, Telienos moved on briskly. "The next question is what do you want to do with the Cipher."
"Can it be taken out?"
"It can be but you have to understand one thing. Although the Ciper is not a conscious entity, it has accepted you as the bearer and accorded you the benefits base on that recognition."
"Benefits?" Shepard echoed in puzzlement. "Like what?" she began to say before cutting herself off abruptly. Of course she knew what it was; it kept her brain alive when she should be dead.
"One of which you now recalled," said Telienos.
"There are others?" Shepard said faintly. Was it possible?
"I suggest you ask Dr Chakwas," Telienos said with a faint smile.
Idly swirling the wine in her glass as she leaned on the countertop, Liara snapped upright at that astonishing statement. An incredulous look crossed between her and Shepard when they realised what Telienos was referring to.
"How do you know...?" Shepard began to ask.
Telienos put up a hand. "Dr Chakwas told me nothing. I only inferred a few possibilities from reading your medical profile during your time with Cerberus. You just confirmed it by your response."
Liara exchanged rueful looks with Shepard.
"Do you want the Cipher remove?" the matriarch continued.
Opening her mouth to answer, Shepard closed it again. "I'm thinking it can remain where it is."
"But is that-," Liara began doubtfully and stopped when Shepard reached for her hand.
"I've been thinking," Shepard directed her next words to Liara. "Of staying in, with the Alliance."
What about the plans we made? Liara wanted to say but the thoughts that tumbled into her from Shepard stemmed her dismay. Telienos gave Javik a meaningful look. Taking the hint, he moved quietly away with her to the other side of the living room, leaving the two to talk privately.
Shepard waited patiently as Liara sort out her thoughts.
"As much as I want us to work closely together in the future, we did plan it at the lowest ebb of our life," Liara said slowly. "What happened to Feron presents a strong argument against restoring the network. I am afraid my operation nor my second persona is as shadowy as I hope. If we were to continue with the original intention, it would put you in danger without any reliable reinforcements. I cannot let that happen."
"You're not upset." The vibe of acceptance coming through the link was clear but Shepard wanted to be sure.
Liara laughed softly. "I agree that mind melding and the link provides easy communication but for all the clarity, it is useless when neither party is willing to share and slams close the door. But we are not closing doors now, are we?"
"No." Shepard smiled with relief. "The Alliance will eventually build up the fleets but before that happens, things are running pretty wild out there. Official presence is non-existent. People are getting hit upon by riffraff and suffering. Since the situation has stabilised back on Earth and with the other homeworlds following suit, I want to be out there to help. We have to step up explorations and find ways that can help us fortify for the future. If Terra Firma are lying about leaving, we should look for clues where they could have hidden themselves."
"I concur," Liara nodded. "I am thinking of expanding into specialised disciplines in archaeology and sciences. There is much forgotten knowledge in the Ilos Archives and whatever is lost out there. If Terra Firma can advance as they do on what they found, we should do likewise even as we take steps to form new discoveries of our own."
"Then I guess we've decided." Shepard was pleased.
"You want to keep the Cipher because it could be of use in future."
"We have only scratched the surface from bits and pieces, not plumb the depths of what the Protheans know. The Cipher holds more. To use a thing properly, it follows that it must be understood thoroughly but digging into it now is not a good idea. I think the memories go a long long way back."
A slight shiver passed through Shepard as she imagined sifting through it. It would be like exploring an ocean with just a snorkel and flippers with no dry land in sight.
"I'm not sure I'm the one to do it. It has no conscious will and reacts when I need it. Nevertheless, I've a feeling it's going to be much needed in future. I just have to make sure the door doesn't get stuck open again. Perhaps if I learned how to maintain a sense of self."
"If you are certain," Liara said with slight unease but she hadn't missed the note of surety in her bondmate's voice. When Shepard nodded firmly, she accepted her decision. "The tremulous coils of the past have left us. We see where we want to go. The question of the Cipher is settled," she paused a moment before meeting Shepard's gaze. "There is Shiala."
"She has come a long way. To fight past fear, two forms of indoctrination, illness, war and still come out sane, it says a lot about her."
Liara regarded her bondmate with a tilt of her head, smiling faintly. "Is that interest I hear?"
"It's not leading anywhere," Shepard said frankly. "I'm thinking we start over again and just get down to basics."
"We will buy a bigger bed." Liara laughed at her bondmate's bemused expression.
"That's not what I meant." Shepard scowled at her.
"I know." Liara's eyes dropped to their clasped hands. "I have come to know her a bit more. I would like her to stay. I want to hear more stories of Benezia from her and more of herself. There is one thing you should know. I did not know of it either until dad told me about it recently. Bonding can go further than two."
"What?" Shepard stared at her, taken aback.
"There are precedence of ternion bondings, it does not happen often. I just want you to know."
"I'm not going where you think I would-," began Shepard defensively, hardly taking in that Liara didn't seem upset. It wasn't going to happen, she was certain. They would all end up being very good friends.
"If emotions are so predictable, pitfalls can be avoided and life easier to navigate. You and I know it is not so." Freeing her hands, Liara cupped her bondmate's face tenderly. "I am open to such a possibility because it is there and because I love you."
"No matter what happens?"
"Yes. I should point out that it may not be you to form an attachment."
Shepard looked so thunderstruck that Liara was hard put not to whoop with laughter. Shepard gave her a suspicious glower.
"The shoe's on the other foot, I see. Why should it be me after all? Or even us? She may even find Miona to her liking if all goes well."
"Miona?"
"Aethyta offered her T'Soni sanctuary since I'm the only one currently who has any rapport with her. Did she tell you?"
"Yes but I am-." Biting her lip, Liara drew back. "I believe it will do her more good to open our home to her but we can never ignore the danger inherent in her."
"I think she is aware of that. If she accepts the offer, it will do us all a lot of good if we talk openly about the expectations we have of each other. Since I'm returning to active duty, I cannot be here for her all the time. I'm hoping Shiala can mentor her."
"She cannot handle it alone. Miona is nearer my age, I think I can help her in some ways," said Liara.
"At the rate we're going, we might end up with more than three," Shepard said jokingly.
"What?" Liara asked when she saw her impish grin.
"Miranda's never going to let me hear the end of it when I kept denying there's any such thing as three and more partners. I don't suppose we could spice up the numbers just to satisfy her when we get the chance."
A moment of silence. Laughter rebound around the bar.
SSV Berne
Much to Shepard's relief, the official notification of her new assignment arrived the next morning. Someone was rather tardy. Perhaps the shuffling of personnel back home was creating a muddle in some office. She reported to the conference on Berne punctually and spent the next hour listening to the usual hashing of objectives and duties. Since there was basically little to do than to sit on their posteriors and polished lenses on their appointed patrols, there wasn't much to thrash about. The salient point of the meeting was to allow newcomers to the division to mingle and hobnob with their fellows.
She ran an unobtrusive assessing eye across the room as she listened with half an ear to the conversation of the group that had bravely buttonholed her. Fresh-looking faces took up two thirds of the room. Newly minted officers stood out like debutantes. Their self consciousness very much evident in their taut postures and finicky gestures. Their studied bearing, nervous wariness and reverence when they came into her orbit made her feel old. The senior officers were more comfortable. She could attribute it to the fact that they had all gone through various treadmills. Their exchanges were mutually peer to peer as they lightly circulated through various subjects.
A nervous cough drew her attention back to the group. From their attentive and faintly disappointed gazes on her, she had clearly missed a question directed at her. A young lieutenant (jg) whose curiosity bordered dangerously close to encroachment of her privacy, squared his shoulders, and opened his mouth. Before he could utter a word, someone cut in.
"Excuse me, Captain Shepard, you have a comm call from Alliance Command," said the chief steward.
Murmuring her apologies, she left gratefully with the steward who led her to the comm room, three compartments over from the conference room. Other than the marine sentries outside, there was no one in the QEC room. The green light on the console showed the link was active though the pickups at the other end showed no one. She moved into range of the pickups at her end.
"Captain Shepard, reporting." She wondered who was making the call. Langdon? Khan? She nearly broke into a wide smile when Hackett stepped into view. She came to attention and saluted instead.
"At ease, Captain." Hackett examined her carefully and gave a nod of satisfaction. "You're looking well."
"If I may be so bold, sir, so do you."
"Doctor's orders have no respect for rank and file and they have a tendency to stick," Hackett said humourously. "The situation you have highlighted recently has turned up a plausible lead," he continued.
"That would be?"
"We think the item was delivered to him in one of the cleaning bots. All maintenance personnel are currently being interviewed."
Shepard thought she heard a "but" in there. "It's not likely we'll catch the snooper."
"If Greenacres could condition an agent without using hardware, we'll have to proceed carefully. Given his modus operandi, our chances are slim. Are you certain you want to continue with your intentions?"
"We don't have any choice, sir. I'm leaning heavily towards a message than an attack."
"What kind of message do you think he wants to convey?"
"Sir, I cannot be certain of how honest he was with me on Avernus Station but if he wasn't lying, he would be leaving. It could be vanity on my part but I do not think he would go without giving answers."
"To?"
"Perhaps an insight into what Terra Firma was working towards for the last several years. Perhaps some revelation on Cerberus. His plans for the future. Even if he issued a threat, it would still be more informative than the shadow that presently obscures them."
"I agree," said Hackett. "We have updates on a few incidents that we are now confirming as Terra Firma activities. The abductions that occurred at several colonies were a smokescreen to retrieve their people. The human interface on the defunct turian dreadnought is positively identified as one of their own. An intermittent signal that had since ceased to broadcast when the Omega Four Relay went offline has been identified as the connective link to the TI."
"Then they had been in contact with the TI on various homeworlds."
"How much they were able to direct them is another question. There is no doubt about the TI operatives on Earth and the Adjutant information on Thessia. I hope he is amiable to throw more insights."
"How many colonists have left, sir?"
"We put their numbers, including those from the colony worlds they set up, at near six thousand. We don't have any numbers from their outposts at the core. If they have more scattered elsewhere, there may be close to nine thousand. We'd rather overestimate," he added at her look of skepticism. "The freighters that we were tracking disappeared somewhere in the Terminus Systems. Despite the seeding of numerous probes, no trace of them has yet been found."
"Does that affirm the premise of a migration, sir?"
"That is our current viewpoint at the moment. We're endeavoring to locate any undiscovered dormant mass relays in the Terminus Systems but this could take years."
"And if Greenacres confirms it?"
"Then a problem is temporarily removed. In the interim, we rebuild."
"Sir, are there any arrangements to attempt to retrace the steps that allowed Terra Firma to achieve their present technological development."
"None at the moment. Do you have any suggestions?"
"The withdrawal of navy presence, not just ours, sir, have created a vacuum of authority in the outer sectors. The colonies that have survived so far are now under siege from organized crime. It's my fear they would fall and become a fortified network of syndicates that could pose a serious threat to trade and security." She felt she needn't remind him of the Skyllian Blitz. "I suggest a coalition of allied navy ships to deal with the threat and to scour for any information that could be helpful in countering any prospective threats."
"Why in particular, a coalition of Allied ships?" Hackett asked impassively.
"No border is a invincible barricade. Cooperative efforts will go a long way in securing the welfare of everyone."
"Interesting. What you suggests fall in line with a few proposals I've in mind."
"Sir?"
"I've a conference scheduled with the Citadel Council and respective navy chiefs. Since you're assigned to the Citadel Defense Fleet, I would like to confer more with you on this subject. I understand Councilor T'Annor has requested your assistance for certain issues."
"She has set no deadline, sir. I received no further communique."
"I'm afraid that's our ball to juggle. Further discussion is deferred until the conference."
"Yes, sir." She waited for him to end off.
"Shepard. . . "
"Sir?"
"How is the Normandy?"
She tried not to grin. It was hard not to but she managed it. "She's in tip top shape, sir. I hope to see further action with her." She could see he was pleased. Was that a teary glint in his eye? Nah, she must be mistaken.
"Have you given thought to your choices further down the line?"
"Yes, sir."
Her hesitation gave him a clue that she wasn't quite certain which way she should jump. "Very well, Shepard. I know you will take precautions when you unlock the crystal. I would like you to go to the extreme, if possible. I look forward to further input from you."
"Yes, sir." She saluted smartly and wondered if he would dance a jig at the other end when he flashed a huge grin at her before his image vanished.