The Foul Team

by freudwithwings

Hired by the LEP as a consultant, Artemis finds himself at the centre of a growing crisis. He was right: human children ARE getting smarter. Webisode 3.02.5: Homecoming is bittersweet, especially at three in the morning. But, like most things, it's easier with friends.

2. 102: Culture Shock

EPISODE TWO: CULTURE SHOCK

The Foul Team is established and receives its first real job.

-x-

There are some forces in this world that it is impossible to account for. Artemis had known for years that Holly Short was one of them, and was rapidly coming to the realization that he really should have added his younger brothers to the list the day that he found out they existed.

At least, he reflected with a grimace, Holly knew perfectly well that a locked study door meant, "Keep Out." Myles and Beckett Fowl merely took it as a challenge. Both twins displayed an exceptional knack for creative problem-solving, especially given their age: in a frantic attempt to avoid a set bedtime they had unanimously decided to take refuge in their brother's study, locked door or not. As Myles had attempted to bypass the security keypad Artemis had set up as a safeguard against exactly this scenario, Beckett had simply found a suitably pointed fountain pen nib and used it as a screwdriver to remove the hinges from the door. Thus, two and a half hours after Artemis left for Denver, his absence was discovered.

At moments like this, Artemis almost felt sorry for his parents. When he had been five, he had confined his schemes to a purely theoretical realm. Beckett and Myles clearly had no such intent.

Not that pointing this out would help Artemis much in this particular situation.

"Son," said Artemis Sr, seated with his hands folded on the desk in front of him, "You made a poor decision today."

So it was going to be one of those talks, then. He wished his head didn't still hurt quite so badly - the residual ache from the sedative made it very difficult to think clearly. Even the low light cast by the lamp over the desk made his vision waver. For the first time in his life, Artemis was experiencing something extremely akin to a hangover and (also perhaps for the first time in his life) he was discovering in much the same manner as his peers that the sensation was not a pleasant one. That was the problem with firsthand experience: it required actual experience.

"I don't understand," said Angeline Fowl, from her seat at her husband's side. "Arty, this kind of bad judgement - it's just not like you."

"I had my reasons," he answered stiffly. It was easier to address his response to his father, who narrowed his eyes.

"Presumably, those reasons did not include a desire to worry your mother and myself? Artemis, when we saw you were gone, we knew any number of things could have happened to you. We were lucky Butler kept a cool head and traced you to Denver."

"A friend called in a favour on short notice, and I did not intend to be missed. And I do apologize for causing you that distress. It will not happen again."

For a long moment, the study was silent.

"This friend," Angeline said, finally. "Arty, would I be far off the mark if I asked if Holly was involved in this?"

"A girl?" Artemis Sr looked to his wife, who shrugged demurely, waiting for her son to answer.

Even in his dulled state, the eldest Fowl son was fully aware that there was no safe response to this question. He had, after all, promised his mother complete honesty. He owed her that much. "Yes, that would be an accurate assumption. Holly requested my help in resolving a minor surveillance problem."

"You snuck out of the house and flew yourself to America to meet up with a girl?"

"In so many words, father, yes, though I assure you -"

"You really are a chip off the old block. Angeline, do you remember how we met?" Fowl Sr leaned forwards in his chair, intently studying his son's pale face. "Not to trivialize the grave nature of what has happened here today, of course," he quickly amended, feeling his wife's glare.

"I think what your father means to say," said Angeline, "Is that regardless of your reasoning, you still made a choice that exposed you to unnecessary risk and caused us worry."

"I truly am sorry, mother," replied Artemis, finally making eye contact. "As stated, it was not my intent."

"I'm sure this will be water under the bridge, given time," said Fowl Sr, still trying (and failing) to hide a sudden surge of pride in his son. "After all, the important thing is that nobody was harmed. I am a bit ashamed, Arty, that you failed to cover your tracks. I would have expected better from -"

"Timmy!" Angeline broke eye contact to level another glare at her husband, who broke off mid-sentence.

"What I mean to say, of course, is that we are both glad you are safe."

If his head had not hurt quite so badly, Artemis would have considered mentioning the mixed messages he was receiving. He would have stated exactly how careful he had been to avoid unnecessary risk, called attention to the fact that his brothers had physically removed the door from his study, and definitely clarified the exact nature of the friendship that existed between himself and Holly Short.

Yes, if he had not still felt so weak, dizzy, and feeble, he would have had quite a lot more to add to the conversation. As it was, however, he simply took the excuse to change the topic of discussion away from the embarrassment of being caught in such a transgression by a pair of five year-olds.

"I realize this is not a good time to broach the topic, but I would like to discuss a business proposition that has recently caught my attention. Holly, my friend, works with the Lower Elements Police force, and as a result of my findings in America they have offered me a short-term position as a consultant. If you have no objections, I intend to accept."

"You want to become a police officer?" If Fowl Sr had sounded mildly confused before, he now seemed entirely baffled, staring at his son as though he could not quite comprehend exactly what had happened to the boy he had once groomed to follow in his footsteps as the head of a criminal empire. Reformed or not, Fowl Sr had definitely not expected such an extreme turnaround in his son's moral compass.

"Hardly, father. A consultant."

"A consultant, fair enough. But law enforcement? I wasn't aware that was an area you were interested in?"

It went unspoken that, traditionally, the Fowl family's only interest in the law had manifested itself in an uncanny ability to find loopholes in it. Artemis had even discovered, nearly a year prior, that several of his ancestors had been pirates. "Yes. Law enforcement."

"Is this because of her? I am starting to get the impression that I really should meet Holly, if she is to become such a large part of your life."

Again, Artemis did not quite feel up to the task of fully expressing himself. After all, Holly had been a large part of his life for nearly a decade - but again, clarifying the exact nature of their relationship required time, energy, and a clarity of thought that Artemis currently knew he lacked. He held his tongue as Angeline touched her husband's arm, gently.

"And I'm sure you will. If Artemis feels up to it, I believe it would be good for him to have a project. Somewhere to focus his attention. Healthy, even." She searched her son's face for a moment. "Given everything that's happened this year, if Arty is interested in this, I believe we should encourage him to stretch his wings and give it a try."

More unspoken words. Artemis knew all too keenly that in this past year, his parents had seen him declared legally dead for the second time. He could not help but notice the way they still looked at him every time he entered a room, as though faced with a living ghost.

-x-

Butler was waiting outside the hall when Artemis stepped through the door. His arms were crossed over his chest, his fingers drumming against his arm as he stared down at his charge.

"Butler," Artemis sighed. "I must apologize for my earlier behaviour. Understand I only wished - "

"Enough, Artemis. I've heard your excuses."

Artemis raised an eyebrow. "My reasonings are my own. Again, I apologize for causing you worry."

He started towards the stairs and Butler pivoted to follow. While the bodyguard neglected to say anything more, Artemis could sense his disapproval. It made for an uncomfortable walk to his bedroom, as neither was willing to concede defeat.

The bodyguard cleared his throat as they reached the study. "Artemis -"

"Yes, Butler?"

"If I leave you alone in that study, tell me you aren't going to disappear on us again."

The corner of Artemis's mouth twitched. "Would you like me to hang a sign next time I sneak out of the manor?"

-x-

Truth be told, Holly still wasn't sure that Commander Kelp wasn't pulling some trick on her. To be discovered in the aftermath of a surveillance exercise gone wrong with a drunk teenager of morally ambiguous nature should have led to demotion or, at the least, traffic duty for a few weeks. Instead, Kelp had hired Artemis as a consultant and transferred her to - to what? Babysitting duty?

Perhaps it would have been easier to see the good in this new situation if Holly had any idea what she was supposed to be doing now. Her first discovery upon returning to the LEP headquarters in Haven was that her desk space had already been reassigned. There had been a great deal of chaos in the LEP following the Great Techno Crash, with officers often rotated between departments in order to keep up with the demands of rebuilding the city and wiping any sign of their existence from human technology. Still, she couldn't help but be a little peeved to find that all her office supplies had been confined to the contents of a plastic file box.

"You aren't leaving that here," objected the pixie who had taken over the desk space. He eyed the box unhappily. "I need my space."

"And I need my desk," Holly said testily. "Let me talk to the Commander and get this cleared up."

"Better take your box with you," snipped the pixie, "Because it won't be here when you come back."

Holly liked to think that years of dealing with Artemis Fowl and those characters generally associated with their exploits had taught her a lot about self control. Even so, it took everything she had learned to refrain from letting loose. Instead, she grit her teeth, slid the box off the desk, and headed straight to the commander's office.

It was as though Kelp had been waiting for her. "You got Grub's message?" he asked the moment she stepped through the door.

"No," she said, trying not to grit her teeth, "I haven't seen him."

Kelp rubbed his forehead and tapped a note into his computer. "He was supposed to inform you that your desk had been reassigned."

Holly looked down at the file box in her hands. "So I've learned."

Kelp sighed. "Captain Short, I don't need to remind you that conditions around here have been difficult over the past year."

"I understand that, sir."

But Kelp wasn't done. "This chaos is only another reason why we need Fowl to look things over. We need someone with a level head, someone removed from the chaos of the force, who can focus on this job."

"You make it sound as though hiring him was a rational decision."

"I'll admit there is a degree of risk in asking a human to consult on LEP matters. But you know better than anyone that Artemis is the human to ask. He's motivated, given the outcome of his encounter with Jones. He'll find the security leak, and I doubt it will take him more than a day or two to do it."

Holly looked down at her file box again and conceded defeat. "I assume I still get a desk?"

"Right, yes." The commander was avoiding her eye, which was never a good sign. "Ask Foaly for the room number. There's space for the new office to set up."

Holly could not think of any place in Police Plaza that had not already been converted into office space. "An entire office, sir?"

"Space for yourself and Fowl, yes. Now if you wouldn't mind, Captain, I have my own work to attend to. Issues that I had to put off in order to pay a visit above ground yesterday."

"Yes, sir. Sorry, sir."

She turned to the door before the full meaning of his words hit her. "Fowl?" she repeated. "Fowl's coming here?"

Kelp set down his stylus with a sigh. "Yes, Holly. Fowl is coming here. We need him on-site to go through system details. Is there a problem?"

There were several problems, as far as Holly was concerned, all of them beginning and ending with Artemis Fowl. Instead, she forced a deep breath. "No, sir," she said firmly, and left the office in order to hunt down Foaly.

-x-

Foaly had the indecency to look mildly smug when Holly entered the Operations Booth. "Captain Short!" he cried cheerfully, "How is my favourite new transfer?"

"Just give me the room number," Holly sighed in response. Her arms were getting tired from toting around the filing box.

The centaur whinnied and typed a command into the computer. A moment later, Holly's wrist computer beeped. She huffed impatiently.

"If you haven't noticed, my hands are full. Where am I going, Foaly?"

"You know where the boiler room is?"

"Oh no."

He smiled quite unhelpfully. "You will never look at budget cuts the same again. And think of it this way - at least they gave you some desks."

-x-

Holly was there when the shuttle doors opened, waiting with a hand on her hip and a tired smile in place. As Artemis stepped out onto the platform with his briefcase in hand, Holly glanced into the shuttle behind him.

"Where's Butler?"

He regarded her cooly. "Really, is that the way you greet every business consultant? No hello?"

She made the point of meeting his eyes. "Hello, Artemis. Where's Butler?"

"He has remained at Fowl Manor." He saw the concern that crossed her face and hurried to assure her, "He is fine. However, this is a simple consultation and I convinced him that I would be perfectly safe in the vicinity of Police Plaza the entire time. Besides, if something were to come up, I'm sure we would be able to take care of the situation ourselves."

"By which you mean I would do all the shooting while you hide under a desk."

He smiled. "Precisely. In any case, I assured both Butler and my parents that at any sign of trouble, I would return home straightaway."

Holly's expression seemed to indicate that she remained skeptical, but she did not argue. "At least you're walking in a straight line now," she said, peering up to study her friend's face. Artemis seemed tired but stable, and his bloodshot eyes were focusing properly as his gaze swept over the crowded shuttle port. "Thank the gods for that, at least. Foaly nearly had a coronary back in Denver."

"I was meaning to thank you for that, Holly," he said, meeting her gaze once more. "I realize that the incident in Denver was something of an embarrassment to us both, and you -"

"Oh, no." The elf raised both hands, defensive as she took a step off the platform and onto the tile. "There's no 'us both' about this one. You're the one who removed your wire, Fowl."

"Either way," Artemis replied stiffly, trailing after her with his hand still clenched around the handle of his briefcase, "I meant to thank you. I acknowledge that caring for me while I was ill could not have made for an enjoyable evening."

"Not enjoyable?" Holly let out a sharp laugh. "Arty, I promise to never speak of this again if you promise me that, next time there's a sedative gun aimed at your head, you duck."

"Seconded. I admit, the experience was highly disagreeable," the young man agreed, following her. He had an easier time navigating the crowd than she did, having a height advantage over nearly everybody else in the terminal. It helped, too, that each time an individual refused to move out of their path, the poor soul became the target of a piercing cold glare.

"That's why you're here alone, isn't it?" asked Holly, peering over her shoulder. "You are embarrassed over this whole thing. Willing to bet you didn't even want to tell Butler the whole story because he'd have some serious words for you over it."

Artemis merely adjusted his grip on his briefcase, reaching with his other hand to open the door. "It doesn't matter," he said. Holly darted under his outstretched arm to reach the door first, skipping out onto the city street. She paused in the doorway, considering.

"So, how much trouble did you even get in?"

"Apparently, I am to be 'grounded' the moment I return aboveground. I am still uncertain whether this is an accomplishment or something to be ashamed of." His nose crinkled for a moment in a mild expression of distaste.

"Oh, how the mighty have fallen. I didn't even realize that was a thing that could happen to you. Grounded. Like a normal person." Holly thought back to her relocated desk, and realized that she really didn't feel bad for him at all.

-x-

"Explain to me why it had to be the boiler room. Really, I'm dying to know."

"Stop whining, Fowl. It's not becoming. You've got a desk, a chair, and access to the mainframe. You are only here to consult, after all. Don't need anything more than that." Foaly spun around in his swivel chair to survey the human who had somehow managed to override the security system and gain access to his ops booth. What was worse was that the elf who had been assigned to babysit him had apparently stood guard as he manipulated the system into giving him clearance. Foaly had hoped to have this conversation over video conference rather than face-to-face, but clearly that was not in the cards.

"This is a passive-aggressive attempt at retaliation for the cutting of your budget," Artemis concluded, pressing his fingertips together.

"And even if it is? All the paperwork is in place, Artemis." The centaur snapped a carrot in two between his front teeth, chewed noisily for a moment, and swallowed it with a grin. "You've even got your own department, seeing as nobody else wanted to touch this one with a ten foot pole."

"Can you blame them?" muttered Holly from where she leaned against the doorframe, her arms folded across her chest. "The moment he's involved in anything, it escalates."

"I resent that," protested Artemis. Holly shrugged, daring him to argue. Rather than take the bait he chose to turn his attention back to Foaly, narrowing his eyes. "If I didn't know better, centaur, I would suspect that you were feeling somewhat redundant, seeing as I was called in to examine the systems that you built after you failed to keep them secure. Arranging for me to be placed as far away from your control center as possible would serve to keep your own sense of autonomy intact, and thus enable you to feel as though you've managed to retain some control over your domain."

"Says the Mud Boy who removed his wire and spent the night sick and babbling after he got tranqued by an American," remarked Foaly with a satisfied swish of the tail. "That's your office while you're here, and you can take it or leave it. Either way, it's not my problem."

"Can you two just stop already?" groaned Holly, finally pushing away from the door. "You're both giving me a headache. The sooner we're done here, the sooner I get my desk back."

"Well, pending an approved transfer, of course," said Foaly. "New department, and all that."

"Dare I ask if we've got a name?" said Artemis dryly.

The centaur brightened. "Actually, you do. I came up with it myself. LEPfoul. Get it?"

"'Fowl,' as in, my name?" For once, the human sounded puzzled. "That seems trite."

"Of course not like your name. It's an acronym. Fowl Operating Under the LEP. F-O-U-L." The centaur beamed with pride. "I came up with it."

"Isn't the second 'L' redundant, then?" Artemis pointed out. Foaly glared, and Holly stifled a snicker.

-x-

For once, human and elf were in total agreement as they walked down the hallway towards the boiler room, having been effectively shooed from the lab after spending several minutes mocking the moniker of their makeshift police department.

"Foaly spends far too much time trying to be clever."

-x-

For all that the LEP wanted Artemis to do his job and leave in the quickest possible manner, they were doing a terrible job of letting him work. In the two hours since he had logged into the computer system, the makeshift office had received no less than seven visitors. All but two had questionable reasons for even being there, using such excuses as hand-delivering memos and requesting Holly's signature.

"There are countless other officers who could sign for this!" she snarled at last, frightening a poor gnome out into the hall again. Artemis raised an eyebrow.

"The LEP is swamped as it is," she said defensively, "Sightseers are annoying and a waste of time for everyone involved."

Artemis did not argue. He turned back to the computer screen, scanning the information displayed while saying, "And meanwhile, you're stuck with me."

"Yet again," Holly sighed.

There was another knock at the door, prompting a growl from the elf. "The wi-fi network is not down," she said pointedly.

The door opened anyway. "Captain Short," said the sprite as he entered, actually standing at attention and doing his best to keep his eyes from drifting toward the human's desk.

"You look ridiculous, Verbil," Holly responded. "You'd better not be here for a signature."

"Actually," his eyes darted again to Artemis and back, "Commander Kelp sent me. There's a human-fairy entanglement issue he wants you to sort out."

This, at least, got Artemis's full attention. "I thought I was only here to go over Foaly's security systems."

Perhaps it was the dim light of the boiler room, but he appeared to be mildly concerned. Holly allowed a grin. "You're with the LEP now, Fowl," she said, "We get assigned a situation, we take care of it."

"That sounds ominous," remarked the human as he returned his attention to the screen before him.

"Welcome to law enforcement," muttered Holly, her grin slipping. She waved one hand about the boiler room, tapping her desk for emphasis. "Human-fairy entanglement issue, Verbil? I thought we resolved it by placing me on babysitting duty."

"I thought we agreed that I did not need to be babysat," said Artemis acidly, manipulating a variable on the screen with one fingertip, his other hand drumming a pattern on his leg.

"A different, erm, issue?" squeaked the sprite with a nervous flutter of his wings. Suitably intimidated by the two occupants of the small 'office,' he spoke quickly. "It turns out there's this group of humans up in Norway that've fallen onto the map. Calling themselves 'hacktivists' - apparently online activism is some kinda human trend?"

Artemis shrugged, indifferent. "I've heard of it."

"Well, these guys have got their hands on some programs and code that the big guys upstairs doesn't think they could have come up with on their own. Got fairy fingerprints all over it, apparently, and as per Fowl protocol I need to get verification that -"

"Fowl protocol?"

Holly cringed. "You really think we've known you this long and not had a protocol in place?"

"Of course I knew the protocol existed. I'd merely have hoped that, given as I'm now on your payroll, said protocol had been discarded. And if you truly need verification, I can assure you I've got better ways to spend my time than revealing the People's secrets to your so-called 'hacktivists.' There, was that so hard?"

"Look," said Verbil, "All I know is that I was told to get confirmation, and then ask you to keep an eye out for any code or what have you that could have possibly slipped through the cracks. I don't know the tech stuff, I'm just the messenger, please don't shoot me."

"Shoot you?" Holly found herself smirking once more. "Don't worry. I already confiscated his gun."

-x-

"It's a fairly simple code, to be honest," Artemis admitted, looking up from his computer.

Holly started. She'd just gotten back into working on her reports and had believed Artemis would be wrapped up in his programming for quite some time.

"Don't tell Foaly, but I actually set the program to piggyback one of his own systems - a security flaw, actually, that I'll have to take up with him later, as anybody with an access code could make it work. Now that it's running, the only thing I have to do is wait. And, of course, continue to pick through the centaur's systems."

She set down her holobook. "You think it will find something?"

Artemis appeared miffed at her doubts. "Trust me, Holly. This is what I do. If there is any loose thread left behind by the hacktivists' fairy contact - and I have little doubt that there is - then my program will locate it. It's too convenient that Jones's access to satellite data surfaced at the same time as this affair. I would bet that the two security leaks are somehow related."

She rolled her eyes but didn't bother to question him any longer. "In that case, it's lunch break."

"Lunch break?"

"Come on, Mud Boy. Don't tell me you haven't heard of lunch."

-x-

"Artemis Fowl," said Holly with a growing sense of horror, "What do you think you're doing?"

"Fixing the coffee-maker," the human said. 'Fixing' was, to Holly's untrained eye, perhaps the exact opposite of the task he seemed to be engaged in. In the two minutes since she had turned her back on her friend, he had somehow managed to completely and systematically disassemble the formerly-functional machine. It now lay in dozens of pieces spread out across the table before Artemis, who sat with his hands folded and brow furrowed as he visualized how best to put it back together.

"Fowl," she said, feeling a headache already starting to set in above her right temple, "Look. In a police precinct, there are two things you do not mess with if you value your life. At any cost. Ever. The first isn't applicable to you, but the second is. The coffee supply, Fowl. You never, under any circumstances, mess with the coffee supply. So I'm going to ask you again: what do you think you're doing?"

"My answer hasn't changed, Holly," he said, finally looking up. "The machine wasn't running at full efficiency. I can't believe nobody here noticed that. It would have impacted the taste of the brew."

"And you really think anybody who works law enforcement actually cares how their sim-coffee tastes?"

"No need to sound quite so incredulous, Holly. Just because your experience does not lend itself to more discerning-"

"I don't care." She cut him. "Fowl. I really do not care. Just fix it. Put the coffee maker back together, put it back in the corner where you found it, and let it go."

She could have sworn the Mud Boy was pouting at her, if she did not already know that Artemis Fowl did not pout. Even so, he appeared to be ignoring her orders. As she watched, he picked up one of the pieces and began to pull it apart.

"Fowl. Listen to me. Put this back exactly how you found it and maybe we'll get out of this alive."

"I don't appreciate your exaggerations," Artemis muttered distractedly.

There was a clatter behind her. Holly whipped around to see Officer Kona in the doorway to the break room. Kona was what Holly might have described as the 'burly male elf type' - not that it showed at the moment, as he now had an aghast expression on his face and was leaning against the wall for support.

"The coffee maker," he choked. "Where did it go?"

Holly stood up, blocking the worst of the mess Artemis had made. "Repairs," she said brightly. "I believe there's one on the fourth floor."

Kona vanished out into the hall and Holly wheeled around again. "I swear, Fowl, if you don't -"

Artemis's phone chimed, and he twisted it about on his finger and brightened. "I was right," he announced, "My program has yielded results."

Holly glanced at the clock - it was nearing the time she knew most of the officers on this floor began their break. "Right," she decided. "Let's go check those results then."

"I dislike the idea of leaving my project on the table," Artemis objected. "Pieces might go missing."

Holly had a knack for navigating stressful situations. She prided herself on her ability to not choke under pressure, and knew full well how to keep a level head even when the stakes were high. Even so, she experienced multiple pangs of anxiety at leaving Artemis alone in the lunchroom with a broken coffee pot as she went to fetch the box that had, that morning, held the contents of her desk. It turned out that the only thought more alarming than the idea of Artemis breaking the coffee machine was the idea of him being unable to reassemble it.

She half-expected to return to find a bloodbath, and could not help a sigh of relief at finding the human exactly where she had left him when she eventually returned, gripping the plastic close.

"I do have some tact," he hissed as he poked his head around the corner five minutes later, checking to be sure the coast was clear. Holly had insisted on carrying the boxed machine herself, not trusting her clumsy friend to not trip at a critical moment. This trip through the office was a stealth mission. "I merely told them that it's being repaired," Artemis continued, "and there's a functional machine on the fourth floor. Though I am starting to believe that you were correct about the importance of sim-coffee to this organization. Everybody seemed quite distressed about having to travel several flights of stairs to find a functional -"

"What do you mean everybody?" she whispered in reply, nudging him with her foot to spur him to check the next corner.

"Well -" began Artemis, gesturing to her to follow. "As you so kindly pointed out earlier, most officers tend to take lunch breaks around the time generally considered suitable for lunch."

"Don't you dare get sarcastic with me, Mud Boy," she muttered, closing the boiler-room door behind them with one hand while the other balanced the box against her knee. Artemis took it from her once more, retreating with it back to his desk.

"Sarcasm? Me? Holly, I'm wounded."

"And we are leaving. If you thought the rubberneckers were bad before, you clearly haven't seen the outpouring of concern that usually follows a broken coffee pot. Field trip time."

"I suppose we could talk to Mulch," said Artemis, checking his computer screen. "I've got a name and address for the machine that uncovered the security issue. One Caltrop Chlorella. He's got a record, though it's mostly for petty crime."

"Then Mulch has probably heard of him," said Holly. "We're leaving. And for Frond's sake, hide that box before somebody sees it."

-x-

The plaque on the door read Diggums & Day Detective Agency in gold lettering. Holly knocked, side-eying Artemis as he rubbed a finger over the lettering. He said nothing, and the door swung open before she could ask.

The pixie that greeted them scowled but backed up with a reluctant, "Come in."

"Doodah," Holly said curtly, sliding past him into the office.

"Greetings," Artemis added, and followed her lead.

The office was small and decorated in an odd style of mismatched figurines and framed certificates for various awards - most of which, Artemis was sure, were completely fictitious. The ceiling was also quite low; he'd been walking with a stoop ever since leaving the stairwell.

"Mulch is through there," Doodah said, waving a hand to the back office. Holly had already guessed as much.

Sure enough, the dwarf was there, his feet resting on his desk and a mess of chocolate bar wrappers on the floor. He jumped up when the door opened, wiping his face hastily and doing his best to kick the wrappers out of sight.

"Holly!" he said brightly.

"I am not asking where you got that chocolate," Holly said, although her voice made it clear she had a pretty good idea. Chocolate, while not illegal in the fairy cities, had a high import tax. The chocolate smuggling had gotten to be a large problem in recent years - and Mulch Diggums was just the sort of dwarf to make use of his underworld connections to gain a tasty snack.

"It's not what you think," the dwarf said unconvincingly, and then noticed the human behind her. "Artemis! Looking good for a cl -"

"Gold lettering made from real gold?" Artemis interrupted hastily, "Really." He doubted the dwarf would have permitted surveillance upon his offices, but it was always better to be safe. After all, while chocolate may have been legal, cloning definitely was not.

Mulch pretended not to have heard. "What brings such fine friends to my humble - and completely legal - business? The grapevine said you'd be in town," he said with a nod to Artemis. "Really, Arty, bad things seem to happen every time you step foot in America."

"That incident was supposed to have been classified," replied Artemis, looking to Holly for confirmation.

"Definitely classified," said Holly. "But I'm not asking about that one, either."

"I am," said Artemis. "How many security breaches does Foaly have?" He sounded incredulous, so Holly changed the subject of conversation. The last thing any of them needed was Artemis getting started on the topic of Foaly making technical mistakes.

"Mulch, we need to know more about a water sprite named Chlorella. First name, Caltrop. Apparently he's been involved in passing intel on to humans. Was hoping you'd have heard of him."

"And what's in it for me if I talk to you? After all, if you two are both working under the LEP, that makes this a formal consult, and I am entitled to compensation." The dwarf beamed. "Law enforcement, Artemis? I didn't see that one coming."

"Neither did my parents. And in terms of motivation, well." Artemis knelt to pick up a single chocolate wrapper from the carpet, holding it pinched between his thumb and forefinger with his nose crinkled in vague distaste. "Captain Short may not be willing to ask about that chocolate but I assure you I could, based on the unique chemical composition of the paint on this wrapper, trace it back to the factory where it was manufactured. From there, I could find the precise shipment that was diverted, attain a time frame, match shipping records, and uncover the exact smuggling port that allowed this particular bar of chocolate into the city." He folded the foil carefully, and tucked it inside his breast pocket for further analysis. "I would not incriminate you, of course, but I am fairly positive that shutting down that particular access route would have a predictable impact on the price of the commodities it used to allow into the city. If the only allure of smuggled chocolate is the price, I'm afraid an entire industry could collapse."

Mulch sighed. "It's a good thing we're friends, or I would be very insulted that you would think I'd be involved in anything so low as chocolate smuggling."

Human and elf exchanged a glance. Neither of them needed to speak. The dwarf conceded defeat, cracking his knuckles as he spoke.

"Look, Chlorella's small fry. Ran into the guy once before. He's not the type to be behind anything big. All talk, no show."

"We've got enough evidence to believe otherwise," said Holly. "Any idea where we would find him?"

"Sure. Just show up at his house. Doubt Chlorella's ever made a contingency plan in his life - calls himself an anarchist, but I'm pretty sure his housepets have a better understanding of the word than he does. You shouldn't have any trouble with him."

-x-

"So, we should expect to have trouble with Chlorella," Artemis said as they hit the sidewalk once more. Holly grinned.

"See? You're learning."

-x-

The flat of one Caltrop Chlorella was located in a building complex only a few blocks away from the detective agency. Holly wasted no time in scrolling through the list of flat numbers at the front door before cutting across the lobby to the stairwell.

"Again?" complained Artemis, "Isn't there a lift?"

The building was old and in need of repairs, the hallway decorated in a garish green that Holly assured Artemis had been the highest fashion a few decades back. And then they had found Chlorella's flat - second from the end - and Holly was pounding on the door.

It opened a crack, barely enough to show the face of a water sprite.

"Caltrop Chlorella?" Artemis asked. The water sprite's eyes widened at the sight of a human, and he nodded hastily.

"LEP business," Holly stated, flashing her acorns, "We'd like to ask you some questions please."

Chlorella's eyes flicked uncertainly between the two of them. He rubbed his eyes, and then slowly opened the door wider. Noticing Artemis's interest in the water tube he wore over his gills, Chlorella said defensively, "It's an impairment, okay?" The water bubbled as he spoke.

"Intriguing," Artemis said, and Holly shot him a glance to shut up.

The water sprite led them further into the flat. Artemis cast his eyes around in order to get a feel for the character of their suspect. The sense he got was mostly of electronics and water - interesting indeed, as he often would conclude that the two did not mix. Then again, for an individual who required water to breathe, the choice to live on dry land suggested a predisposition towards contradictions. An unwillingness to accept the authority of his own body, let alone that of the law. Artemis exhaled, knowing instinctively that they were standing in the right apartment.

Holly had already begun the questioning. "Mister Chlorella, have you ever been in contact with an human online activist group?"

Chlorella turned around and regarded them cooly. "Who?"

"Have you been in contact with any humans recently?"

The water sprite raised an eyebrow to the human standing in the room at that moment.

Feeling out of place, Artemis straightened his tie and turned away to glance over the computer equipment lined up along the wall. "This is impressive," he said, and caught sight of the empty birdcage on the corner of the desk. "A canary, I assume? Judging by the feathers and food supply, of course. Recently deceased?"

When he turned around, Chlorella had gone pale. "She's not in the cage?"

"Enough with the bird," cut in an exasperated Holly. "Answer my first question, please, or do I need to pull you in for questioning?"

That was when the canary screamed her battle cry.

Perhaps in hindsight, they would agree that "battle cry" was a bit of a misnomer. It really was more of a shrill twittering than anything else. For all intents and purposes, however, as far as war cries went, it did get the point across.

Artemis didn't have time to react before the bird had latched her claws into his hair.

"No! Not Lucia!" cried Caltrop, launching himself at Holly, who had raised and aimed her gun in the time it took Artemis to cry out and hit himself in the back of the head. Sprite and elf hit the floor in a tangle of limbs and weaponry, swearing colorfully at each other. Her shot went wide, but it had the desired effect as the bird immediately abandoned her attack on Artemis, dive bombing the two fairies on the ground.

In the interests of absolute honesty, it was not his reflexes that kept Artemis from being stunned. His brain always had worked more quickly than his body, and in the time it took the plasma shot to rebound around the room he had already calculated the angle of refraction as it ricocheted off a mirror, through one fish tank to another, off a polished metal sculpture, and towards his head. He ducked.

Holly's vision was a blur of feathers and gills. She lashed out, elbowing the sprite in the stomach and rolling to the side, clamping her hands over the back of her neck to protect them from the canary's vicious beak. "Artemis!" she yelped. "Do something!"

The nearest object was the birdcage, and so Artemis's hand closed upon it. Predictably, his aim was bad, and an attempt to swat the bird off Holly connected with Caltrop's nose, sending the poor sprite sprawling. Caltrop began to choke as the tubes around his gills bubbled furiously, and the canary took notice, turning again on Artemis. The human scrambled backwards, raising his hands defensively and letting the empty cage clatter to his feet. Holly swore, pushed herself up on her elbows, and shot at the bird again. Caltrop, choking on his misaligned air tube, chose that moment to kick out in his distress and the blow pushed Holly's aim to the side. Artemis ducked once more as the bird issued a truly majestic screech and whirled upon Holly again.

Seeing that the attacking canary was distracted, Artemis crawled to where Caltrop was struggling to breathe. Even as unfamiliar with the device as he was, it was a simple matter to determine how the breathing tubes should be attached to Caltrop's gills, and adjust them to restore the sprite's airflow. Caltrop sagged in relief, choking out a desperate plea.

"Lucia, stop!" he blubbered. The canary paid no heed. Finally, Holly rolled onto her back and managed to get a clear shot. The bird, which had been wheeling overhead and crowing triumphantly, fell abruptly out of the sky. It landed on Artemis, who reflexively shot his arm out away from it (later, he would deny actually "flailing"), sending the unconscious bird soaring across the room.

It landed in the fish tank with a rather unimpressive splash. Silence fell for a moment.

"Is...everybody okay?"

"Yes."

"I think so."

A pause. Artemis was out of breath, pressing one hand to the bloody claw marks on the back of his head; Caltrop's breathing tubes still bubbled furiously as his gills flapped, indignant.

"D'Arvit, we can't let the bird drown." Holly crossed the room to dig it out of the fish tank, closing her thumb and forefinger around one wing.

"Her name is Lucia," grumbled the sprite. "And after that, I think -"

"I don't want the death of a household canary on my conscience," said Artemis, picking up the dented birdcage from where it had rolled behind a desk. Reluctantly, he held the door open as Holly deposited the unconscious bird inside. It landed on the floor of the cage with a squelching sound, absolutely drenched.

"Caltrop Chlorella," said Holly as Artemis made some modifications to the cage's hinge to avert any further escape attempts from the sodden pet, "You are under arrest."

"What did I do?" The water sprite's eyes widened.

"Well, suspected contact with humans notwithstanding, domesticated birds are illegal in Haven. For obvious reasons. As is attacking a LEP operative, also for -"

"But the human is the only one bleeding!" protested the sprite, pointing a quivering finger to Artemis. He sighed, reluctantly removing one hand from the birdcage to reach for his pocket and remove his badge. He displayed it only for as long as it took Caltrop to read the text, and then returned his full attention to Lucia's unconscious, feathery form.

The canary gave a feeble, half-conscious chirp. Caltrop turned his head in alarm, and Holly took the opportunity to handcuff him.

-x-

They returned to Police Plaza half an hour later, Holly leading a handcuffed Caltrop while Artemis carried Lucia's birdcage as gingerly as possible.

Nobody believed them about the canary until, half an hour later, Lucia awakened. Holly and Artemis, waiting outside Chlorella's interrogation room on the other side of the building, knew the moment somebody decided to let the bird out of the cage. The terrified screams really did carry.

"What will be done with Lucia?" asked Artemis, his hands folded in his lap. Holly had already healed the worst of the scratches, but the magic had missed a smaller one along the back of his hand; he ran a thumb along it as he spoke.

"Probably, she'll be confiscated and they'll just send her to live in a colony of them in the wild. Can't see anybody here wanting to keep her."

"Good. She's half-feral already." Artemis frowned, listening to the chaos unfold.

Holly tilted her head, incredulous. "Half? Artemis, I'm starting to worry about you. First the lemur thing, then the crickets, and now canaries. Is there any sort of small animal that does not want to kill you?"

By way of response, he reached over and plucked yet another feather from her hair.

-x-

It turned out that wildlife was not the only local faction that wanted to kill Artemis Fowl. By the time Caltrop Chlorella had confessed to contact with the human hackers, a crowd had formed around the door to the boiler room. A very distressed crowd.

"You said the coffee pot just needed repairs, but it's actually dead!" wailed an elf, who stood in the doorway. Holly nudged him - none too gently - out of the way on her path to their desks, hissing over her shoulder at Artemis.

"I thought I told you to hide that box!"

-x-

"I take it back," Artemis said later, quietly. "You were entirely right about the coffee." He looked down to the plastic box of machine parts with a frown. It had been a struggle to talk the officers out of holding a proper wake for the contraption, and it really had seemed as if they were mourning the loss of an old friend.

They had stayed late at the "office" as Artemis got his first true taste of bureaucracy. For a single encounter with a violent household pet, the requisite paperwork would take most of the night if they worked straight through. He was the faster typist and agreed to shoulder the vast majority of it - or at least, that was what Holly assumed he was doing.

Close to midnight, he announced the completion of an algorithm to fill out the remaining forms for them. The elf considered objecting, but Artemis seemed proud of himself, there was an awful lot of work left to be done, and she was positive the smell of canary would never wash out of her hair.

"You've been a bad influence on me," she muttered as she stood behind the human's chair and watched the paperwork fill itself out.

"You already know that the influence has been mutual," he said, quirking half a smile at the elf before returning his attention to the screen. The next few minutes passed in silence as they watched form after form whip by. Occasionally Artemis would hit a key to confirm an especially obstinate sequence of data; for the most part, they simply watched the program run.

"I don't need to tell you that nobody can know that this code exists?" Holly asked. Artemis nodded in confirmation as the screen beeped twice.

"Paperwork complete," it announced in a smug voice.

"I'll take our secrets to my grave," he said, solemnly, before adding, "Again."

-x-

It was early the next morning when Artemis finally logged off the computer and began packing up his tools. Holly blinked at him blearily, her head resting on her arms.

"Good nap?" Artemis asked, slipping a pair of pliers in the side pocket of his briefcase. Holly wondered why he'd even pulled them out if all he'd been doing was patching up code relating to the last major breach in Foaly's systems.

"I wasn't asleep," Holly said, sitting upright. Her neck cracked with the movement.

Artemis didn't bother to argue. "I believe Foaly's system is now secure," he told her, "although I will keep an eye on the situation from home."

"Doesn't that count as a security breach?"

"Only if I'm no longer with the LEP." As if the thought had reminded him of something, he felt in his pocket and withdrew his acorn badge. "Actually, if I'm leaving, I suppose it is time to return this."

Holly didn't take it. "Don't give that to me - I think Commander Kelp was serious when he threatened to keep you as a consultant indefinitely. We actually did the paperwork. Nobody actually does the paperwork. Besides, with your coin gone…"

Artemis raised a hand to his neck. "Yes," he said, "I should do something about that."

Holly pretended not to hear.

-x-

Holly had just closed the door to the boiler room behind her when a loud wail sounded from down the hall. There was barely time to recognize the furious twittering of a bird before something yellow darted around the corner.

"Duck!" Artemis yelped just as Holly pushed him back against the wall.

The canary shot by in a blur, triumphantly crowing her escape as she went. Clearly, Lucia was no longer interested in captivity. Barely a half-minute later, three frantic officers rounded the corner in a jumble, armed with nets and birdseed. "Where did she go?" shouted one of them. Holly and Artemis pointed in unison, silently, and watched the trio pass. The sounds of both bird and her pursuers faded in the distance, and still they waited.

"How much of that is our problem?" Artemis finally asked.

Holly shook her head, pushing back from the wall and turning to make her way briskly towards the lift. "None of it. Chlorella confessed to human contact, which means the matter now goes over our heads. You fixed the security breach, so that's not an issue anymore. And now that Lucia's been taken into official custody, the entire mess is officially out of our hands."

"Good."

The break room was located at the end of the hall near the lifts. Holly decided that it might be better to hurry past and avoid any accusations regarding deceased coffee machines. Instead, Artemis started to slow down as they reached the doorway.

"It's as if you want there to be a riot," Holly hissed, trying to propel her friend away from impending disaster.

Unfortunately, he had the opposite idea, stopping dead in front of the doorway. The room was almost overflowing with officers standing by the counter and passing around cups. Holly did a double take. Cups of coffee?

"It's alive!" one of the officers shouted gleefully when he spotted Holly. "The coffee machine is fixed and it tastes even better."

"What." It didn't come out as a question.

"I fixed it," Artemis said, adjusting his sleeve. "A peace offering." She didn't need to look to know that he was smirking.

"When did you -"

"You took a nap."

"For all of ten minutes!"

"Your point?"

-x-

Next Time:

EPISODE 1.03: TAPS - Artemis sets out to retrieve his fairy coin, and Holly's request to transfer out of LEPfoul is denied.

-x-

Author's Notes:

For those of you who were afraid this was going to turn into another genius vs genius fic... here's a canary! PEACE OUT. -Winged

But for real, we're sorry about the canary. This episode's antagonist is a bird, it is entirely my fault, and this should give you some idea what to expect from this fic in the future. -Freud

And if it makes you feel any better, we do actually have a plan for where this thing is going. Yes, there are OCs involved. As mentioned in our last A/N, we're writing this fic as though it were a television show complete with an entire cast of characters, some old, others new. Thank you to everyone who has read the first two chapters - you are fantastic, and we hope you enjoy what's still to come! -Winged