WEBISODE 1: SASS
In which the team continues to grow.
-x-
"I still don't understand why you couldn't have done this from aboveground," Holly complained. Her attitude had grown sour during the trip back below the earth. This may or may not have been due to the human that had accompanied her on the shuttle. It may also have had something to do with Caltrop's current situation, huddled in the corner muttering to himself as he attempted to decipher the instructions written on the side of the coffee machine.
Artemis, seated at the same table he had earlier used to disassemble that very machine, gave a faint shrug. He'd already made the conscious decision to ignore the water sprite entirely. There was work to be done.
"Because the Techno-Crash presented an opportunity, and anybody with sufficient intelligence would recognize that. I know if I had..." Here Artemis faltered, examining his hands for a moment before continuing to speak in a lowered voice, "If I had survived the event unscathed, I would have taken full advantage of the chance to improve multiple systems and interfaces while nobody would object to the changes. I also know that's exactly what Minerva and Demia both did."
"So, why don't you use your own -"
"If my own systems were not taken entirely offline by the Crash, I would have been able to trace back several different metrics to determine areas of accelerated technological growth and singular innovation. In doing so, with any luck I'd have been able to pinpoint the individuals behind each anomaly. Unfortunately, my systems were destroyed that day and remained offline for the next six months. The best I can hope to do is sift through the scattered reports Foaly's machines were able to compile retroactively. It's nowhere near a comprehensive search, but does provide a starting point. I could do this remotely, you're correct on that count, but as it stands I've already been granted access to Foaly's records so I may as well take advantage of it. There's no need to work around the centaur's encryptions, so it's infinitely faster to work directly from the data itself. In addition, if Jones turns up I want to be able to respond quickly, and the People's shuttle system is the most reliable form of transportation I know. We are still on his case, correct?"
"As far as I know. But you know as well as I do that he's gone to ground. We won't be seeing him again until he wants us to."
"Of course. Still, best to be prepared for the contingency."
"And don't think I missed that earlier, about you being grounded."
He grinned. "Precisely. Interspecies police work does provide a nice excuse to ignore that particularity."
Across the room, the coffee machine emitted a pulse of blistering steam. Caltrop squealed, and neither of his arresting officers bothered to look up. It was Holly who finally relented with a sigh, though her head did not turn.
"You alright, convict?"
"Oh, yeah!" squeaked Caltrop, who had gone the color of a freshly-boiled shrimp. "Just peachy."
-x-
"When I said 'get the convicts back belowground,'" said a tight-lipped Kelp, "I thought it was implied that that one was perfectly fine where he was."
Artemis looked down, offended, to where his commanding officer had jabbed at him. Even standing on tiptoe, Kelp could only reach to the middle of the human's chest.
Holly coughed. "You're going to have to be more specific with your orders, then, sir," she said brightly. "Unless you'd rather transfer me out and put someone else in charge of this department?"
"No."
-x-
Holly stopped short in the entrance to the boiler room, staring with displeasure at a message that had just come through her wrist computer. "Artemis, do you remember the original definition of 'intern' that you gave me?"
The human looked up from his work, mildly irritated at the distraction. "Yes. An employee requiring on the job training - what of it?"
"And would you say that we've got enough of that to deal with?" Holly looked over her shoulder to where Caltrop was sitting on his desk, headphones blaring. After the disaster with the coffee machine, he'd given up on being productive for the day. To be fair, that suited both his bosses just fine - neither of them were in the mood to walk him through the steps of how to actually pour a cup of coffee. This was turning out to be a common problem.
"Enough on the job training? Yes, I would assume that we are - wait. Please tell me you aren't inferring-" The inbox notification showed up mid-sentence, and Artemis brought the message to the forefront of his laptop screen with a swipe of his finger. "Foaly has got to be doing this on purpose."
"Agreed."
Their new intern was a young centaur that Holly had already had the misfortune of meeting. Her name was Pihassas, she was Foaly's niece, and he had made the mistake of dragging her to one of the LEP's annual summer picnics several years back. The ensuing incident was still talked about around water coolers.
"See," Pihassas proclaimed as she trotted in the door three hours later (and four hours late for the start of her first official training shift), "I'm only here because the LEP makes you do a stupid internship requirement before you go into the squad you really want."
"Which would be?" said Holly, already fighting a headache. The neon purple shade of the centaur's mane wasn't helping, and she made a mental note to double-check LEP dress code policies for interns. She needn't have bothered - from behind his laptop, Artemis was putting on quite a show of looking entirely absorbed in his work while actually searching for an answer to that exact same question.
"I wanna get on one of the teams that busts gangs. That seems like it'd be exciting, y'know?" Pihassas shrugged. "And anybody who calls me 'Pihassas' gets trampled, fair warning right now. It's 'Sass.'"
"Yes, I bet it is. You've never actually met a gang member." It wasn't a question. Inwardly, Holly was seething. Clearly, LEP hiring standards had fallen dramatically in the decades since she'd first applied. Either that, or the brass were actively hoping that Pihassas' stint with LEPfoul would scare her away from law enforcement altogether. She decided to fervently hope for the second option.
"Well, duh. Do you really think I'd be here if I had any other way to get where I wanted to go?" Sass looked around the cluttered boiler room with a toss of her mane. "I mean, look at this place."
"I know, right?" Caltrop straightened, kicking out his feet from his perch on the edge of his desk. "It's awful! I'm Cal, by the way."
"And I don't care, by the way." Sass snorted. "So, what exactly is it that you do around here?"
-x-
OUTBOX:
Foaly;
I had set up a program to analyse the technical development of human communities over the past six months, only to discover that your systems had mistakenly flagged it as a virus. I have already taken the liberty of ensuring your systems will not make that mistake again; in return, I request that you upgrade my permissions. Thank you.
-Artemis
INBOX:
Artemis,
Hm, that's odd. Generally my systems only respond to pieces of code worming their way around information I did not want them to access. I can't imagine how they made that mistake.
- Foaly
-x-
INBOX:
Arty,
If you're spending another night underground, we need to get you an apartment.
-H
OUTBOX:
Holly;
I imagine I will be spending plenty of nights belowground, given the current status of the Changeling problem. Do you have any suggestions on location?
-Artemis
INBOX:
Arty,
Anywhere but my couch.
-H
-x-
INBOX:
Pihassas,
Do you have any idea how to synchronize our folders with the rest of the department's? I'm pretty sure the system should have automatically given us access to files and the like, but I can't sort out how to activate it.
-Caltrop
OUTBOX:
Squirt,
What did I say bout calling me that? and trampling? esp. the TRAMPLING?!
-SASS
INBOX:
Sass,
Never mind. I figured out a better way to fix the problem.
-Cal
-x-
INBOX:
Artemis Fowl II,
I imagine you are already hard at work with the new department and, while wishing you all the best, would also like to inquire as to how soon you wish to begin the research at the Haven Library Archives. I am currently on sabbatical from my teaching position at Haven College for research purposes and thus, my schedule is my own. Due to this, I should be able to book an appointment to peruse the archives with you at your earliest convenience.
As I am sure somebody of your intellect would have already looked into my background, I feel the need to confess that I am especially eager to work with you due to my own academic interest in magically-induced temporal fluctuations. Your business partner, Holly Short, has already declined my requests for an interview several times. I don't need to remind you that your case is a unique one, and while I do not wish to make a nuisance of myself, any insight you can give me into your particular set of circumstances will be much appreciated!
Regards,
Professor Honkard D. Tweedir, K.H., W.M.M.
-x-
INBOX:
Holly,
How's Sass doing? Heard she was transferred to LEPfoul & figured she'd fit right in! :D
- Foaly
OUTBOX:
Foaly,
Ha. Haha.
- H
-x-
INBOX:
Arty,
What did I say about my couch? It's been DAYS.
-H
OUTBOX:
Holly;
Do you have any idea how difficult it is to find an apartment that accommodates my height and location needs, while maintaining a basic degree of comfort?
-Artemis
P.S. I looked up the LEP's dress code regulations, and unfortunately there is no section about hair color, perhaps to avoid discrimination against different species. This means Pihassas's hair, sadly, is going to have to stay as it is.
INBOX:
Arty,
YOUR DEFINITION OF "BASIC" AND EVERYBODY ELSE'S DEFINITION OF "BASIC" ARE TWO DIFFERENT THINGS. If you are going apartment-hunting again tonight after work, I AM COMING WITH YOU. THIS ENDS.
-H
PS. Did you see her hair this morning? It's orange now. ORANGE. Clearly it is NOT going to "stay as it is."
-x-
INBOX:
Hey Captain Short,
Do interns receive vacation pay?
-Sass
OUTBOX:
Sass,
No, you do not.
-H
-x-
OUTBOX:
Professor Tweedir;
Thank you again for your offer. Unfortunately, my time is not quite as flexible as your own. That being said, would you be able to meet tomorrow morning for an introductory meeting to discuss my research objectives?
-Artemis
-X-
INBOX:
Arty,
You have been apartment-hunting for a week. One week. Seven days.
Do you care to explain to me exactly how it is you managed to get EVERY SINGLE LANDLORD IN THE CITY to warn each other about you?
If this were anybody else, I would be impressed. Only you, Fowl. Only you!
-H
-X-
OUTBOX:
Squirt
As your COWORKER i say we party hard tonite yes/yes?
Sass
-x-
The fluorescent lights of the Police Plaza basement were brighter this morning, Caltrop was sure. He was also fairly certain the boiler room's usual noises had increased in volume overnight. He already had a headache thanks to Sass's idea of a party the night before; the lights and cacophony were not helping.
The rest of the department was already hard at work by the time he slinked into the room. Holly was in the corner, arguing with a messenger sprite. On the other side of the room, Artemis was bent over his computer screen as usual. Even Sass had managed to arrive already; she waved cheerily at Cal before delivering a cup of sim-coffee to Artemis. The human ignored her.
Cal dragged himself toward his desk and stared regretfully at the mug in his hand until Sass trotted over. "You're chipper," he commented glumly.
"And you're glum," Sass retorted with a toss of her mane. She looked between him and his mug. "If you're so tired from last night, aren't you going to drink that?"
Cal gave his coffee another look. "No point. I got it from the break room."
"And?"
"Well, obviously the coffee you brewed in there was for Artemis and he only drinks decaf. So it won't be any help." He sighed pathetically.
Sass coughed. "About that."
He would have to brew another batch, Caltrop reflected glumly. Just because he'd finally tamed the coffee machine did not mean that he could replicate that triumph in his current state. Besides, it meant he would have to stand up again.
Sass was still talking. "'Cause I thought, after our talk last night - you know how you mentioned the decaf thing?"
Cal raised his head. "I mentioned what?"
"You know, how Foul only drinks decaf?"
The enormity of her words hit Caltrop over the head like an industrial-sized coffee maker. "Oh no. No no no! Glub - glu - go fix it right now!"
"Nope! I think I'd rather not!" she said, grinning. Both heads turned towards Artemis's desk, where their boss was just replacing his mug on the coaster. Caltrop ran through all possible scenarios and realized that none would end well.
"Come on," Cal hissed, and tugged at Sass's sleeve.
"No, I'm staying to watch," the centaur responded. "Hey, you're looking perky all of the sudden."
"It's - glub - the adrenaline," the watersprite answered and then, giving up on his fellow intern, fled the room.
-x-
The first Holly noticed of the imminent disaster was a rattling sound from across the LEPfoul office. It was low but steady, an unfamiliar hum beneath the usual metallic clatter that came from the boiler itself. She hadn't a clue as to when the sound began, but had spent the past half hour gradually becoming aware of it. Now, she couldn't ignore it.
"All right," the elf snapped at last. "What is that?"
Sass's head popped up and, behind her, Artemis jerked his head in Holly's direction. "Pardon?" the human asked coldly, adding a glare to remind Holly that she was interrupting his important work.
But Holly had found her source. Something about the twitchiness of Artemis's movements and his short, clipped tones - something about the way his desk appeared to be jiggling even now - "Artemis, you're shaking."
By the time Artemis had processed her words, looked down, discovered that she was correct, and rectified the situation, Holly had already crossed the room. "Four," she blurted without thinking, and didn't know whether to feel alarmed when she saw Artemis's eye twitch.
"It's not a relapse," the human said irritably. "Nothing like that. More of a - rush." He spoke rapidly, as though attempting to explain one of his madcap plans in under a minute. "I must have ingested something accidentally, something for which I do not have a built-up tolerance." His eyes flicked about the room, searching, analysing.
Unfortunately for everyone involved, that was when Caltrop decided to poke his head back in. He'd meant to check on the crisis and disappear immediately if it had not yet cleared; instead, he found the other three members of the department staring at him with varying levels of irritation. "Hey," he said weakly, and slunk into the room.
"The coffee," continued Artemis as though he had not noticed the disturbance, lifting his hands from the keyboard to examine them in vague irritation. "It must have been the coffee, which means -"
"Sass was the one who poisoned you!" blurted Caltrop, splaying his fingers out over his mouth as though to hold the words back in.
"No honor among cowards," muttered Holly. Sass ducked down. Unfortunately, the problem with an orange mane is the exact same as the reason one would dye their mane orange in the first place: it's impossible not to notice. Holly decided to deal with her later. As it stood, Artemis was absorbed in a failing attempt to keep his hand steady, staring at it with all the intensity of a dwarf evaluating a pile of dirt. Clearly, that was the more urgent situation. "Fowl, there's an uplink tube on the top shelf of the maintenance closet. Reach it down so we can see if there's some way to purge your system?"
"I doubt there is," said Artemis, still watching the back of his hand as though it held all the secrets of the universe. His thoughts were scattered, rolling in a myriad of directions in much the same manner as marbles dropped into a shoebox, ricocheting off the corners to collide together and careen in a new direction -
- which was an entirely unproductive metaphor, and only served to further his irritation. He stood up and crossed the room to the closet, reached for the box on the top shelf, paused. Knowing the amount of caffeine he had ingested was far from fatal, even for him, he was still surprised at the way his vision seemed to swim -
- no, not swim. That was simply his feet tapping against the ground, moving the rest of his body. Oh.
To her credit, Holly waited for Artemis to be clear of the threshold before she slammed the door shut behind him and swiped a thumb across the sensor to seal the lock. "Nobody's letting him out of there until he crashes. Are we clear?"
Caltrop gave an uncertain nod. Sass tapped a hoof against the closet door. "So, are we just going home now then, bosslady?"
"No," said the elf with a shrug. "Caltrop and I are going home early. I could report you for this, but instead I think it'd be a better punishment to clean up your own mess. Somebody's got to sit with him until this thing wears off, and the gods only know how long that will take." She grinned, and for a moment Sass could see clearly exactly why so few people were eager to mess with Holly Short. "I don't think he'll be happy with you when he can sit still long enough to glare."
"Is he trying to - is something burning?" Sass tossed her mane, turning to the door once more in a change of subject. "Is he trying to burn his way out?"
"I can hear you," replied Artemis, irritated. His hand was too jittery to keep the beam of his laser pointer focused on the keyhole, and so he had only succeeded in welding the mechanism shut. Not that he would admit that for the time being.
"And you know what I'm not going to be hearing tonight?" Now that she had weighed the options, the elf sounded quite chipper about the entire debacle. " You, waking me up at two in the morning because you fell off the couch."
-x-
Next Time:
EPISODE 1.05: RIPOSTE - Artemis and Holly bicker while taking down an arrogant Korean fencer. The Changeling problem gets worse.
-x-
Author's Notes:
Fine, you caught us - we began work on 1.05, but didn't get to finish it because Winged is going to be travelling abroad for the next little bit. Rather than have a huge gap in posting, we decided to post this mini-episode (we've been referring to it as a "webisode," to stay true to the TV-series format we started out with) to move the story forwards a little before she leaves. We'll be back when she is, and in the meantime I'll be responding to messages sent to this account. As always, thanks for reading and reviewing - you're awesome! Yes, you. You know who you are. -Freud