EPISODE 1.06: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE (1)

Foul Team has to catch up with Demia and Bec when the two Changelings discover an abandoned shuttleport. The first of the two-part season finale.

-x-

"Yeah? Well, I've heard that department is an absolute nightmare."

The dwarf sighed heavily, waving her LEP-issue employee tablet in the air. "Look, I just got started here this morning. Found out that I've been assigned to LEPfoul. I just need to know where I'm going, please."

The secretary nodded earnestly."I'm just saying, LEPfoul's got trouble written all over it. No, literally. Kelp signed the form authorizing the department in the first place - nobody's got the faintest idea why he did it, either."

"Uh-huh."

"And don't get me started on their intern problem! Department's been around for months now, but they haven't been able to keep any interns for more than a couple days -"

"Look, I -"

"Well, thaaaaat's not quite true, I guess. They do have one they've managed to keep on board, but runour has it that's because he'd be sent right to prison if he quit! Well, and that centaur but I'm still not convinced they aren't just on babysitting duty when it comes to her. Between them all, why, I don't know if they've got a single person who doesn't have a criminal record! I tell you - wait, what was your name again?"

"Dodo," said the entirely unimpressed dwarf.

"Right, Dodo! I tell you, Dodo, I pity any poor sap who gets assigned to that mess of a department. I'd rather be put in the goblin division!"

"I see." By now, Dodo could tell that the secretary was not going to be much help. Time to improvise. "You're right, of course! You know, I've heard that their offices are a mess, too!"

"Oh, definitely! They're stuck all the way in the boiler room in the basement. I don't even know - wait, where are you going?"

-x-

With the exception of her multiple campaigns to be fired, Dodo Feldspar had never been late to work - especially on her first day to a new job. She prided herself in making a strong first impression for her new employers.

This time, apparently, she'd already managed this somehow. Two days ago, Dodo had received a call from the hiring department of the LEP to ask whether she'd ever considered a career with the police. As far as she knew, Dodo had never done anything to warrant such attention but was flattered all the same.

"I would love to accept," she'd told the representative on the other end of the line, "But I have a job. And I don't ever quit."

"Too bad you have that other job," was the rep's response, accompanied by a downcast whinny.

"Too bad, indeed," she'd agreed, and meant it. And the next day, Dodo had been called into the main office at the shuttleport where her boss told her that, regrettably, he would have to let her go. He did not look pleased. Dodo was ecstatic.

But just because she had made some sort of impression on an anonymous employee of the LEP didn't mean she would allow herself to be late on her first day. Even with the delay caused by the gossiping receptionist, Dodo managed to find her way to the boiler room a good quarter of an hour before her scheduled shift began.

The door was locked.

The dwarf stared up at the sign on the door, where the bold-typed BOILER ROOM had been crossed out by a felt pen and replaced with a neatly printed LEPfoul. This, too, had been crossed out, with The Foul Team scrawled beneath. Dodo was beginning to develop an uncomfortable sense of foreboding. But she was nothing if not resilient, so the dwarf pushed the feeling to the back of her mind and wiggled the door handle once more. It didn't give.

That was when a water sprite turned the corner. "Oh!" he squeaked, and scurried forward a few steps before the large plastic bin in his arms slipped from his grip to spill its contents across the floor.

Dodo sighed and moved forward to help him clean up the mess. The bin had been filled with a collection of office supplies, snack foods, and - "Birdseed?"

"Trust me, we need it," the water sprite sighed. He awkwardly adjusted his water-tubes and squinted up at her. "Say, I haven't seen you around before. New?"

"First day," Dodo affirmed, scooping the last set of styluses into the bin before gesturing behind her. "Is there someone coming to open that door?"

The water sprite visibly flinched. "You've been assigned to Foul Team?"

-x-

It turned out that Dodo wasn't the only new intern. Thirteen minutes after she'd been let into the room by the water sprite, two pixies had stumbled in behind them - four minutes late, Dodo noted. Their names were Shyrill and Ambryn, they were dressed head to foot in fluorescent pink, and they giggled every time the water sprite - who introduced himself proudly as "Caltrop, senior intern" - addressed them. Incredibly unprofessional.

Dodo didn't say anything, of course. But she watched, and took note of the little things. Like the closet door with a hole cut out where a lock should be. Or the empty desks that apparently belonged to the head of the department and her official consultant - both of whom were nowhere to be seen. Not to mention the centaur with the bright green hair that showed up an hour and a half late, rolled her eyes at the sight of the three new interns, and bolted from the room again.

Roughly half through the second hour of orientation, the computer at the consultant's desk chimed loudly. Caltrop ignored it.

"... and there's only one computer terminal for the interns, so we have to share. Only Sass will probably take more than her alotted time..."

The computer chimed twice more in quick succession. Dodo waited for Caltrop to pause his speech but it was as though the water sprite hadn't even heard the alert. She raised her hand.

"... so someone will have to come up with a new schedule now that there are three more of us and - uh - yes -?"

"Shouldn't someone check the computer?"

Caltrop winced. "That's n-not a good idea. W-we don't ever t-touch, uh, that desk. Or anything on it. Um, is that clear?"

Perfectly, the interns said. The computer chimed again and all three made a show of ignoring it. And when Caltrop turned his back to show them where the coffee supplies were kept, Dodo unobtrusively sat down in the consultant's chair and poked the computer to disengage the screen saver.

It took several minutes before Caltrop noticed. "W-what are you d-doing?" he cried, aghast.

Dodo was busy scanning the results displayed on the computer screen. "The computer was still giving alert signals. What if it's something important?"

"Something i-important?" Caltrop repeated, wringing his hands. "We're the, uh, interns. We don't d-do the important stuff."

"How did you log in anyway?" asked Shyrill, who thought the insubordination much more fascinating than orientation.

Ambryn bobbed eagerly. "Are you a hacker?"

Dodo frowned. "The access codes were in the information packet I picked up from the front desk."

Shyrill and Ambryn were impressed. Caltrop was just shocked. "The front desk has information packets?"

-x-

In the three months since confiscating Myung-Ki's rigged fencing equipment, Artemis had fallen into a rather unusual commute. Weekdays were spent belowground, working with LEPfoul and their ever-revolving roster of interns. The patterns of circuitry within the fencing foils had led to a particular manufacturer of the pilfered technology, which had led to another security breach, which had led to an entire series of escapades spanning most of Asia. After that had been tied up, Artemis's systems pinged with the recognition of another human anomaly, sending them off on another adventure before anybody had the chance to catch their breath. It was surprisingly satisfying work, and he'd almost stopped complaining about spending the nights on Holly's couch.

Almost.

In return, Holly had almost stopped complaining about him not yet having his own apartment.

Almost.

On weekends, he made the commute back to the surface to spend time with his family and pursue projects of his own. After Singapore, he had even reluctantly hired a fencing tutor for private lessons (which were going about as well as could be expected). This week, with his father out of the country on business and his mother playing host to a charity gala in Milan, Artemis had left for home on Thursday night, meaning that Friday morning could be spent with the twins.

At six years old, Myles Fowl was proving every bit as resourceful as his older brother, tugging Artemis by the arm to show off his latest invention.

"I noticed last week that nothing electronic ever works quite right where the fairy roses are, and I wasn't quite sure why so I wanted to find out," the boy explained, having to take two steps for each one of Artemis's. Artemis, to his credit, just smiled. He, of course, knew exactly what was causing the problem in that particular segment of the grounds - not that he could tell his brothers anything about it. Even if he could have explained about magical residue, Myles was so engaged in this project of his that Artemis saw no harm in encouraging him.

"That's an interesting observation. What did you decide to do?"

"Well, I wanted to find out why, so I built this!" Myles stopped abruptly, reaching into his pocket and removing a small, metallic cube. "It's going to measure the atmospheric electrical currents to see if that's what's causing the problem, and if it is, show me where the source of the interference is. I went through the schematics for the grounds, and I don't believe there could be anything buried there, but there might. Right?" He bounced, once, on the tips of his toes.

"I suppose there could be. We'll find out soon enough."

"I've had this built for days now," Myles confessed, turning on his heel to face the roses. "Wanted to wait until you were here to see if it works."

"I'm sure it will, and if it does not, I'm positive we'll be able to fix it," his older brother reassured him, already calculating the logistics of burying a cable line under that particular segment of ground without disturbing the soil. "Exactly how did you manage to assemble the casing for the device, Myles? I thought mother did not want you playing with the arc welder any more."

"Oh, no, she doesn't, so I didn't. I thought you knew? Beckett gave it to me and said that you said that I could use that pen of yours to solder the edges of the metal together." He rummaged around in his pocket once more, withdrawing the pilfered laser pointer and returning it to Artemis. As he did, Myles gave such an angelic smile that Artemis knew he actually believed nothing of the sort.

"I see. After we're done here, I think I'll need to have a talk with both of you about boundaries. Again." He paused to tuck the laser pointer safely in his own pocket, making a mental note to ensure Beckett and Mulch never crossed paths. He was fairly certain Beckett would, if pushed, happily follow in the Fowl footsteps and pursue quite the illustrious criminal career.

Artemis's work phone, kept on-hand at all times in case of emergencies, vibrated once. He frowned, reaching for it and answering the call before it could ring again.

"Holly?"

"Actually, no. I'm calling from the LEPfoul offices? I'm a new intern, this is my first day."

"I see." He did not bother extending a greeting, assuming that - like all their other new recruits - she would be gone by lunchtime. "What's the problem, then?"

"Well, I'm sitting at your computer, and it's making this odd pinging sort of sound? I think there's some sort of situation, but I'm not entirely certain what it -"

"You're sitting at my computer? I see. Put Chlorella on the line."

"I can't do that, I'm afraid. He ran away when he saw I was calling you, but this looks important. Something about a Becquerel Jones? It's -"

"Forgive me for asking," interrupted Artemis, who had just experienced a particularly chilling epiphany, "But you sound like a security guard who broke my nose several months ago."

The ice in his voice made Dodo give a little squeak. And here she had thought that her morning couldn't possibly get worse. "Oh no, it's you? I was - well, I was trying to get fired at the time?"

"Congratulations, you've succeeded. Forward the information on to this number, and then I want you out of my department. Understood?"

Dodo gulped. "Yes, I do."

They both hung up without another word. After a moment, Artemis reluctantly turned to his younger brother. "I'm sorry, Myles, but I need to go make another phone call."

-x-

Holly's phone rang. This was a particular annoyance now, of all times, as she'd finally managed to secure a morning to sleep in. Reluctantly, she ventured a hand out from beneath the covers of her bed to touch the phone on the bedside table before it could ring a second time.

"This had better be important, Fowl," she grumbled.

"Are you still asleep? For shame, Holly," he chided. The elf sat up in bed.

"I repeat: this had better be important."

-x-

The interns were still crowded around Artemis's computer an hour later, doing their best to figure out how to forward the information to the boss. Dodo hadn't yet budged from the chair, leaving the others to awkwardly reach around her as they attempted to peck at the manual keyboard.

"It's so old school," muttered Ambryn in fascination, pulling her hand away before Dodo could swat at her again.

"So you've said," the dwarf replied sourly. She still hadn't recovered from the phone call. "Alright, so we've saved it as a document. How do we attach it to the email?"

The pixies shrugged.

"Caltrop?"

He sighed heavily. "Don't ask me. Sass is the one who does all that stuff. Maybe if you press that... button... there?"

Dodo pressed the button and nothing happened.

A new voice sounded behind them. "It's okay, guys. Take your time. Not like that data could be important or something."

The interns all spun around. Standing behind them, her arms crossed and her toe impatiently tapping the floor, was Holly. She surveyed them all for an instant, sighed, and said, "It's the third button from the end."

Dodo spun back around and located the button in an instant. With two clicks, she attached the email and sent it off. Then, slowly, she turned back to face her boss.

Holly sighed heavily once more. "Listen up, team. This situation is important and I don't have the energy to deal with you today. I don't even know why you're here - I gave you all the day off."

Caltrop looked up hopefully. "You did?"

"Too late. You're here now, you work." Holly looked the group over again. "You two, go find someone at the front desk to give you a tour of Police Plaza. Feldspar, I believe you've already been told to leave the premises. Chlorella - where did Sass go?"

"I'll find her," Caltrop said quickly.

Holly gave a short, satisfied nod. "All right. Dismissed."

With varying degrees of enthusiasm, the interns fled from the room. The pixies made it through the door first, while Dodo and Caltrop both tried to leave the room at the same time. The ensuing pileup in the doorway took several elbowings, a scathing glare from Holly, and an infinitely awkward moment to sort out.

It was no surprise that Shyrill and Ambryn reached the elevator first, and almost equally as expected when they failed to hold the door for the two hapless interns behind them. It was only when Dodo heard the groan of the door start to close that she snapped out of her reverie, and nearly dashed the last ten feet to the -

"No!" A hand on her wrist, tugging her back hard.

"Hey, watch it!" Dodo twisted to try and free her hand, turning to find herself face-to-face with a pale-faced Caltrop. Above them, something screeched.

"She's here!" wailed the sprite. Dodo, ever the pragmatist, simply pressed her other palm to the water sprite's arm and ducked, dragging him with her to the ground. The screaming canary shot overhead, disappearing into the elevator just as the door slid shut.

As the lift departed, they could hear the screams of the other two interns echo through the metal.

"Poor souls. We'll never see them again," said Caltrop, sadly. Dodo pushed herself up off the ground.

"She won't - should we be calling somebody? They're - the canary isn't capable of killing somebody?"

"Lucia hasn't killed anybody - yet. I think, though, that those interns aren't going on that tour. They'll quit." He dragged himself to his feet more slowly than Dodo, despondent. "They always quit. Every last one."

"Every last one?"

"Except for Sass. I wish Sass would quit."

"But you haven't?"

"Only because my work here is the only thing keeping me from being sent to prison." Caltrop shook his head. "And even that wouldn't be so bad if Lucia didn't know where the cells are. She has it out for me, you see."

"Uh-huh." Dodo studied her new coworker for a moment, folding her arms across her chest. "I think, Mister Chlorella, that you just saved my life."

"I - wait, you think I did?"

"Oh, of course. Just because Lucia hasn't killed anybody yet doesn't mean she won't in the future. I might very well owe you my life. You're a hero!"

"Hey, yeah, that's right!" Caltrop straightened, adjusting his gill tank. "You know what - wait, what was your name again?"

"Dodo," said the dwarf, with remarkable patience. She'd already had to remind him four times.

"Dodo! Coffee on me today! I'm a hero!"

Maybe, she thought over a mug of some of the best coffee she'd ever tasted, I should stick this out, firing or not. They can't actually be allowed to fire me on my first day. Clearly, Caltrop needs a friend.

-x-

INBOX:

Mr. Fowl Sir,

Here's the data you requested.
We tried saving it as a report first!
which kind of failed
But we think we've managed to attach it now.

Sincerely,
Caltrop

Attached: [7 FILES]

-x-

"Yes, Beckett, I understand that you wished to help with your brother's project, but you could have found a way to do this that did not involve stealing."

Myles had clamored up on Artemis's knee, which detracted from the severity of his lecture. When the phone buzzed on the table beside them, it was Myles who got hold of it first. "Is this the email you were expecting?"

Artemis plucked his phone from his brother's hands. "Quite possible. Excuse me a minute." He swiped his finger over the screen and navigated to the email.

Beckett had leaned over to read along. "What language is that?"

"Fairy," Artemis said with the heaviest sarcasm he could muster.

Myles hummed thoughtfully. "Do they know they attached seven copies of the same report?"

The phone buzzed again. It was another copy of the same email. An instant later, a third copy came in. Artemis sighed heavily and slid his phone back into his pocket. "Interns," he explained.

"Ah." Myles nodded wisely. "Interns."

"Definitely interns," agreed Beckett, who didn't exactly know what interns were but had heard more than enough stories about them to have an opinion on the matter.

-x-

It took Artemis four minutes to get the faultily-named attachments to open, thirty-four seconds to skim the information they contained, nearly eight minutes to convince the twins to entertain themselves while he sorted out business related to his work, and six minutes to meet with Butler in the hangar of the Fowl jet.

"We need to go. Facial recognition software installed in a security camera in Killarney sent an alert to my systems over an hour ago. We've found Becquerel Jones, and he's not alone."

"He's with Miss Carter?" surmised Butler.

"Naturally."

"Isn't Killarney only forty minutes away from a shuttleport?"

Artemis nodded. "Unfortunately. We need to intercept them - it'd take too long for Holly to make her way aboveground. I'm not certain yet what their objectives are. Holly's set the interns on attempting to decode the surveillance tapes we've pulled from Carter's home, but that could take some time. Even then, the proximity of their location can't be coincidental."

"No, it can't." Butler paused for a moment, furrowing his brow. When he resumed speaking, his voice was gentle. "If you suspect they're headed for a shuttleport in order to go belowground, I can't follow you. I won't risk leaving you in a position where you would be heading into danger alone. We don't know what their intentions are. I'll remain at the manor with the twins, and Juliet will accompany you in pursuit of Carter and Jones. If you need to follow them belowground, she'll be able to go along with you. Artemis, I told you I would inform you the moment I could no longer fulfill my duties and keep you safe. Here it is. That's my recommendation."

The words hit like a buzz baton to the nose, and for a moment Artemis simply blinked. Going into a situation aboveground without Butler by his side simply didn't feel right, but Butler had said -

Artemis took another look at his bodyguard's face, but could not bring himself to speak. He simply nodded in assent.

"I'm sorry, Artemis."

"Don't apologize," the young genius replied, somewhat testily. "This is not your fault." He swallowed hard, regaining control of his emotions once more. "Please, though, do me one favour."

"Yes?"

"Please tell Myles I'm sorry I could not spend the afternoon helping him fine-tune his invention."

"I will."

And nothing more needed to be said.

-x-

"It's no good. These systems - glub! - they're too old, they won't download data from the surface properly. There's some kinda interference, too. We establish a connection but every time those things over there do anything loud, it d-drops." Caltrop gestured to the boilers with an especially disgusted crinkle of the nose. As if to make sure somebody empathized with him, the water sprite then cast a glance over to where Dodo was sitting on her knees, putting the finishing touches on the brand new lock she'd attached to their supply closet. "I could deal with the system up to this point because they've always got that centaur running all the surface connections, but - glub! - he's not in today. The scary elf's gone to try and track him down, but until then we're on our own and our p-programs just won't run properly!" He smacked the desk, despondent.

"Easy, now. It's not the keyboard's fault." Dodo stood, dusting off the knees of her trousers. "Stop hitting it like that."

"Oh. Sorry. It's just these boilers, if they weren't here then I could do my job!"

Luckily for them all, Sass chose that moment to finally make a reappearance. She'd assumed as it was past lunch time, the daily crop of interns had likely cleared out. Upon seeing Dodo she likely would have turned and fled the room once more, but something in Caltrop's voice piqued her attention.

"Oh, hey, Shrimp? You need something taken apart?" She cracked her knuckles. "Sounds exactly like my kinda thing. One time at a LEP summer barbeque -" Sass broke off there, examining the edge of her fingernail with a low whinny. "Maybe I should save that story for another time."

It was probably coincidence that the boilers chose that moment to emit a particularly loud whine. Probably.

"They sound afraid of you," Dodo remarked.

Sass grinned broadly. "They should be."

-x-

The entrance to the shuttleport was visible when the Land Rover pulled up, which was never a good sign. The sleek and modern structure was clearly out of place on such a wild terrain. Of extra concern was the fact that Artemis could not detect a single shimmer in the air around the port - were any fairies in the vicinity, they had no idea that the shields were down.

Artemis brought his phone to his ear. "Holly? I can see the port - literally. Send a message to security that their shields are down. And could you notify them that I'm on my way inside before they try and stop me?"

The hesitation on the other end was not encouraging. "It's Dodo, actually," said the intern. "E46 is one of the ports that's been shut down ever since the Techno Crash. Automatic shields were put in place but everything is run by systems. Something must have shorted out."

Artemis refrained from asking why she was still in the LEPfoul office. "Can Foaly fix it from belowground?"

"Foaly - that's the technician?" Dodo asked. "Holly's searching for him now. So far, he's nowhere to be found. Just our luck that it happened today."

Juliet had already exited the vehicle, checking the area for any signs of danger. Artemis waited until she pulled open the door before stepping out onto the hillside. "No luck involved. If the shields are down, it is because Jones and Carter have already made their way inside. I'll follow with Juliet, fix the systems, and keep the two Changelings out of trouble until you can send a team to the surface." He paused, then added dryly, "Or do you need someone with a higher authority to allow surface access?"

Dodo wisely chose not to argue.

-x-

Dodo had been right - the shuttleport was completely deserted when Artemis and Juliet made their way inside. As was standard LEP protocol with abandoned aboveground operations, a tiny swarm of nanobots rushed towards the open door, glimmering in the air as they settled against the tiled floor to clean up any dust before it could come to rest. They did their job well, erasing Artemis and Juliet's footprints completely before the two humans were even halfway across the open foyer. Behind them, the door swung shut with a pneumatic hiss.

"Handy," commented Juliet, attempting to move out of the swarm's path. The bots had other plans, settling on her shoes to clean off any traces of dirt.

Artemis, on the other hand, held still until the bots were finished with him. He glanced up to the nearest security camera. "Someone needs to tell Foaly these are less helpful when we're attempting to track intruders."

That was when his phone rang.

"Intruders, huh? Art, I'm kinda hurt," said the unwelcome voice on the other end of the line.

Artemis peered up into the security camera. To his left, Juliet had already slipped out of frame, heading - he surmised - to the security booth that would have given Becquerel Jones access to the feeds. Nothing to do now but keep him talking. "Hello, Jones."

"Oh, come on. Now I'm really hurt. You aimed your dwarf at me - we're on a first name basis now, whether you like it or not."

"You didn't know it was a dwarf last time. Someone's been doing their homework, I see."

"As if! There are not many things that are capable of that kind of explosion. The taste in my mouth when I woke up -"

"Oh, no, this again?" A young female voice piped up in the background.

"Hello, Demia," said Artemis evenly.

"Wait, so she merits a first name?"

"She didn't shoot me with a tranquilizer dart."

"Yeah, well, you threw up in my van!"

He's goading me, Artemis realized with a jolt. These taunts aren't just childish, they're personal - he needs to keep me talking. And then, just as certainly, he's not in the security booth.

It wasn't difficult to deduce where the teens had gone instead. If Becquerel was attempting to delay Artemis, then they would have an alternate exit. And the only other exit from the shuttleport -

The lights all dimmed and flickered from a drain in the power supply. Artemis did not need to be an expert in shuttleport engineering to understand the cause - someone had diverted power from the main systems to charge a shuttle. There wasn't much time to lose.

There also wasn't any way to warn Juliet without alerting the teens that Artemis knew where they had gone. He glanced once more at the security cameras, then turned his attention back to the flickering lights. "Old wires," he commented casually. "I'm surprised there's any cell phone signal in here."

"Fascinating technology, isn't it?" Demia gushed. "It's almost more interesting than the magic!"

"Indeed." Artemis began to casually pace the room, subtly drawing near to the camera's blind spot. "I can't help but wonder what you are planning to do with it."

"Why would I do anything?" Demia asked, "I just want to learn about it. Like I said, it's absolutely fascinating!"

Artemis glanced up again, estimating angles. Almost there. "And yourself, Jones? Simple curiosity?"

Becquerel paused for a moment as Artemis finally stepped out of frame. "You know, now that we're here, I'm having a hard time remembering."

Demia's mind wipe. They want answers. Artemis didn't see any point in drawing out the charade any longer - he hung up the phone and ran.

-x-

"Hello, yes, hello!" called Foaly from the other side of the door. Holly waited to be let inside - nothing happened.

"Foaly? It's Holly. We've got a Changeling problem and I've been looking for you all day. Hurry up."

The door still did not open. "Changelings, eh?"

Holly froze. "Oh no. You don't say "eh." Is this your artificial intelligence?"

"Actually, can it be my artificial intelligence if I am the artificial intelligence?" asked the voice philosophically. "Dude, I just tripped myself out!"

Clearly, the experimental personality chip was still on the blink. To say that Holly was unimpressed would be a gross understatement. "You have thirty seconds to put Foaly on the line before I come in there and blast you a new interface."

"Oh, believe me, I know. Foaly put a tag on your file explaining that you'd totally threaten me with violence at some point. He also said not to worry cause you usually don't follow through with it. Anyways, I can't help you. Caballine imposed a strict no-tech rule on their weekend getaway. Left me at home taking care of the kids."

"You're babysitting? They trust you to - ?" Holly was horrified on a number of levels. Unfortunately, she had bigger problems to worry about. "You know what, never mind. Don't answer that. See what you can do about getting a message out to Foaly anyway. I'm heading back to the office."

"Will do, friend!" the AI assured her cheerfully. "Good luck with your Changelings and have a wonderful day!"

Oh, that's precious, Holly thought as she jogged back down the front steps to the road. Foaly invented artificial sarcasm - because we didn't have enough of the real kind.

-x-

After the Techno-Crash, the People had gone through and systematically stationed shuttles at every single one of their ports, active or not. With an entire civilization on the verge of discovery, it was well worth the time and money needed to ensure that every fairy - no matter where they were located on the surface of the planet - had a way home if they needed it.

Killarney's port was no different: a lone shuttle sat docked in the bay, held in place by clamps that glowed silver with the incoming surges of energy. At the other side of the room, Demia and Becquerel clustered around a control panel, arguing in hushed voices over the Gnomish symbols that flashed upon the screen.

The nanobots had so thoroughly cleaned Artemis's shoes by this point that they squeaked loudly against the tiled floor when he took another step forward. He froze as both Changelings looked up at the same time.

Demia was the first to recover. "Hello, Artemis! I'm glad you're here - talking face-to-face is so much nicer than over the phone. We don't have time to learn the fairy language. I wanted to learn their language, it's so pretty-looking with all the symbols, but Bec said we needed to get moving so I didn't. So, do you know which button means 'go'?" She smoothed down her skirt with both hands as she talked, her eyes bright with excitement.

Becquerel didn't bother with conversation, vaulting over the control booth to hit the floor with both feet. He kept the momentum, racing towards the shuttle. Artemis, closer to the docking bay and already out of breath, only barely beat him to it.

"Oh, look! I think found the 'go' button!" Demia grinned broadly as she hit the button.

Several things happened at once.

Lily Frond's automated voice sounded throughout the bay, speaking in rapid Gnomish. "Welcome to the Refugee Automated Flight System! The RAFS shuttles are designed for easy use. If this is not an emergency, please leave the docking area. If this is an emergency, please select the command button once more to confirm."

"What's it saying?" Bec called across to Demia, then looked up to Artemis, who had positioned himself in the doorway of the shuttle in an attempt to block the entrance. "You know what it's saying."

Artemis and Demia both shrugged.

While the exchange was taking place, the docking clamps shifted. No longer a cool silver, they now pulsated an angry red in time with the siren that now blared throughout the shuttleport.

"The button's glowing again. I should probably hit it one more time?" shouted Demia over the alarms.

"No!" replied Artemis.

"Do it!" said Becquerel at the same time.

Demia shrugged and hit the button again.

-x-

Alone in the security booth on the other side of the facility, Juliet lifted her head and swore colourfully before bolting down the hall. Even with the distance between her and the shuttle bay, she nearly made it to the doors before they sealed shut in preparation for launch.

Nearly.

-x-

"Thank you for choosing the RAFS! You now have one minute to board the shuttle before launch. As this system is designed to be easy to use for any fairy at any time, there's no need for previous flight experience - don't worry about steering the shuttle, and it will guide itself safely home! Alternately, if you wish to choose your own destination, simply place your hands upon the steering controls to engage manual mode. Happy flying, and thank you again for choosing RAFS!" Lily Frond's voice paused for a moment, perhaps to allow the listener to imagine her blinding smile. When she resumed talking, it was to initiate a countdown. "Sixty, fifty-nine, fifty-eight..."

No matter the language, it is generally fairly easy to tell when a countdown has begun. Demia's eyes widened as she stepped out from behind the control booth. "What did I do?"

"You initiated the self-destruct. The system is programmed to reject a human touch," said Artemis immediately, still doing his best to block the doorway into the shuttle. "We need to leave this place!"

Behind him, the docking clamps released with a hiss of steam as the shuttle engine roared to life. A pathway on the floor lit up, as well, small dots of light leading an obvious invitation into the shuttle itself. Becquerel raised one eyebrow. "I see."

"Well, it was worth a try," replied Artemis.

"Thirty, twenty-nine, twenty-eight..."

Demia was skipping along the lighted trail as though it was a hopscotch, each rainboot landing with a squeak to cover the dots of light as she went. "How long is the countdown?"

Artemis did not answer. If neither of the Changelings knew how how much time was left, there was a chance he could delay them long enough for the shuttle to leave without anyone on board.

The countdown was nearing its end. As Lily Frond reached ten, the lights flashed with increasing urgency. Demia gave a squeak of surprise as her rainboot landed upon a light that was no longer there.

"Hurry up," Bec told her, "It's reaching the end of the countdown."

"Yeah, I noticed!" she exclaimed, and dashed the remaining distance. Artemis expected her to stop behind Bec, and prepared to fend them off for the last few critical seconds.

She did not stop.

Instead, Demia leapt up onto Bec and wrapped her arms around his neck. Her momentum, coupled with Bec's surprise, pushed him forward into Artemis who was unable to withstand the combined weight. All three fell in a heap on the shuttle's floor.

"Two, one!" finished Lily Frond triumphantly, and the shuttle doors slid shut.

Bec groaned and attempted to crawl out from under Demia, managing to knee Artemis in the stomach as he did so. Artemis groaned, the breath knocked out of him.

"What was that for?" Bec snapped at a grinning Demia, who had popped back onto her feet to smooth out her skirt once more.

"Well," she said brightly, surveying the two other Changelings, "neither of you two looked like you were going to move, and the voice sounded urgent. So, I took initiative!"

"Is that what you call it?" grumbled Becquerel. Still laying winded on the floor, Artemis made a sound that was probably some form of agreement with Becquerel's sentiment.

This would go on record as the first, last, and only time that the two of them ever agreed upon anything.

-x-

While protocol dictated that staff avoid the commander's office unless directly invited to step within, Commander Kelp prided himself on a more lax approach to this side of the LEP handbook. In all honesty, he probably had not read those chapters. Instead, he had taken several summer seminars on corporate culture which all stressed the same ideas: accessibility and easy communication. Kelp had embraced the philosophy with open arms and an open door.

So when Holly Short stepped into his office, he did not think much of it. "Short. How's everything down in LEPfoul?"

Holly coughed awkwardly. "Well. Um."

Kelp felt the first trickle of concern. "What did he do?" There was no need to clarify who he referred to.

Holly took a deep breath. "Strictly speaking, I don't think this one was his fault."

"And what exactly is 'this one?'"

Three interns pushed through the doorway to crowd anxiously behind Holly. That was the moment Kelp began to second-guess his open door policy. "Right." He stood up, both hands flat against his desk. "I want everybody out of here by the time I count to three. Except you -" he pointed to a sodden-looking sprite with a magnificent set of gill tanks. "I can intimidate the full truth out of you. Everybody else, out!"

-x-

After promising Artemis that neither of them were stupid enough to touch any of the automatic flight controls, Demia and Becquerel went about the business of barricading him inside the shuttle's lavatory. This was actually fine by Artemis, who only gave a modicrum of resistance to keep up the impression otherwise. After all, the flight path of the automated shuttle was predictable enough, and he trusted the rest of LEPfoul to ensure that there would be a team waiting to pick up the Changelings the moment the stolen shuttle docked. Nothing to do now but wait.

Judging by the way the shuttle thrummed gently, no grinding of gears or sudden movements, Becquerel and Demia must have decided to trust the autopilot. Artemis caught himself nearly smiling at the look of contempt Holly would surely have on her face if she knew about an entire shuttle network designed to fly itself. The fact that Lily Frond was the spokesperson for this interface would have been an extra thorn in Holly's side, and Artemis made a mental note to be elsewhere when the elf discovered that particular detail.

An hour and a half after the shuttle began its descent, there was a gentle knock on the door. "Artemis? I know it's probably a seriously bad time to be doing this, but can we talk? Because Bec's told me lots of stuff and he really is a sweetheart, but I feel like he's only telling me what he thinks I need to know. You're smart, so I think we should cooperate and you should tell me what's really going on."

He lifted his head. "Fair enough. I can't see how deception would help either of our causes at this point. Please, tell me what you want to know. I'm all ears."

"Bec says I used to know that the fairies are real, but they made me forget. And he says you helped them."

Artemis gave a small nod, even though she couldn't see him. "I see. If memory is identity, you're wondering if you are who you believe. If you don't know what you've done, you can't possibly know who you are." He shifted a little, touching his forehead with his fingertips. "Jones may have made me out to be your enemy, but I do understand that particular sentiment."

"But you were involved in taking magic away from me. If you know what that feels like, then why would you -" The girl broke off, swallowing hard. "I just wanna know the truth, Artemis."

"Demia, what you have to understand about the People is that their entire way of life depends on their ability to remain hidden. Everything they have and everything they are would fall apart if they were exposed. That's why they altered your memories. It's a harmless enough procedure, as the human mind fills in the blanks itself. You were never in any danger."

The door swung open with a click. Demia, her face blotchy and her lips pursed, looked down at Artemis for a moment to study his face closely. "Tell me the truth, please. Did I do anything to them? The fairies, I mean. Did I do anything to hurt them? I'm clever enough to have hurt them if I'd wanted to, but - well, did I?" Her hands twisted together, and Artemis looked down.

"No. You didn't."

"Oh." She plopped down in the doorway, her skirt billowing about her like a parachute. "Oh! You did, though, didn't you? You did something, and so they took my memories before I even had the chance. But then why are you here, now, helping them?" The girl paused for breath, tracing her fingertips along the tulle folds. "It's something about us, Bec and I, and you too - we're much too clever to be normal humans, and you're trying to figure out why, aren't you?"

Artemis could tell there was nothing to be gained by resistance. "Exactly. We're smart, you and I - and Becquerel, as well. The fairies were wrong to wipe your memories. Work with me now, Demia." His voice was earnest, blue eyes softening a little. "Work with me to get this shuttle landed somewhere safely, out of harm's way, and trust the LEP. Trust me. I'll get you back your memories."

"And you can do that?"

"Demia, when I set my mind to a venture, it tends to succeed." His voice and face were, for once, entirely open. Entirely honest. "Work with me now, and I promise you that I will do everything in my power to ensure your recollections of the People are restored."

He wasn't exactly lying. Artemis knew there was no way the LEP would allow him to follow through on that particular promise, but he also knew that Demia did not need to know that. He could promise to do everything in his power and hold to those words by the letter - it just wouldn't make any difference. Artemis knew that if there existed a possibility to resolve this situation without further drama, it was worth the small deception. Even with that logic, it made his stomach twist a little with guilt to see Demia's eyes light up.

"Deal. You know, that's all I wanted? The truth." She extended her hand, and Artemis shook it. "Come on - let's go talk to Bec."

-x-

A set of recordings had been set to play every thirty minutes as a reminder for passengers of the in-flight rules. Lily Frond was just about through the third repeat of the Gnommish message - "And if you wish to engage manual mode, please -"

If he hadn't been concerned over accidentally crashing the shuttle, Bec would have already tried to find a way to turn the announcements off. Sitting in the pilot's chair with one thumb folded over the other, his head was tilted back so that his ponytail hung over the back of the chair. He had to slouch down pretty far for his head to even hit the headrest, his spine contorted to the dimensions of a chair designed for a fairy pilot. "Demia," he said without turning around, "I told you not to let him out!"

"You're not the boss, and I think he can actually help us!" Demia, leading Artemis by the arm, bounced on the balls of her feet for a moment, feeling the thrumming of the shuttle echo up through the thin rubber of her shoes. "Besides, I'm smarter than you, so there! He can read what's up on that screen, so we need him to tell us if there's a warning or something important there!"

"Uh-huh." Bec looked from one face to the other, his nose crinkled. "A warning of what, exactly?"

"Well, a warning about the autopilot, or maybe a warning that we're going somewhere where people will know where we are? If it's programmed to fly the same way every time, then it doesn't take a genius to figure that one out!" She beamed.

That was when the screen crackled to life.

-x-

Kelp was not happy.

As if a shuttleport breach were not problem enough, a shuttle had launched without any trace, and it had taken three humans with it. One of them was Artemis Fowl, and the other two were individuals that Artemis Fowl felt the need to deal with personally. He hadn't needed much of a conversation with LEPfoul's most anxious intern to figure out that this was clearly a problem.

By the time he tracked down an individual with the technical expertise to hack into the stolen shuttle's camera feed, Kelp was downright livid at the entire situation. He was starting to understand why Commander Root had constantly been the shade of a beet; in fact, his own complexion was doing something similar by the time a video link was established.

"Fowl!" Kelp barked in Gnommish, taking in the sight of the three occupants of the shuttle. "What is going on here?"

Artemis looked impressed. "That is eerie," he responded in the same language, "Have you been practising your Root impersonations, Commander?"

Obviously, he was not in serious danger. This just made Kelp angrier. "Fowl, you have thirty seconds to tell me what is going on."

Before Artemis could respond, Becquerel sat up and cut in. "Art, what's he saying?"

"Fairies have the gift of tongues!" Demia piped up.

"Yes, we're aware of this," responded Commander Kelp in perfect English before directing his attention back to Artemis. "Fowl, what is going on?"

"Hey, now. Not cool!" Bec sprung up from the chair, rocking forward a little bit to keep his balance against the movement of the shuttle. "You know, there's two of us and one of him! Technically, he's our hostage, so you negotiate with Miss Carter and myself, not Artemis!"

Kelp shifted back. "Is that so? Fowl, are you feeling threatened?"

Artemis folded his arms. "Not especially, no."

"Right. This is how it's going to be, then. When the shuttle lands, you will not disembark. All three of you will sit on your hands and wait for a team to collect you. Nobody will try anything funny. We have the location of your vehicle and are tracking it as we speak. This situation is under our control, not yours, so go back to twiddling your thumbs and wait." Kelp paused, slipping back into Gnommish to address Artemis one last time. "Fowl, we will have serious words about this later."

"I don't think so." Becquerel Jones sat down in the pilot's seat once more. "I don't know what you just said to him, but I don't like it."

As if to make a point he reached for the steering controls, grabbing both joysticks at once and pulling them both backwards, steadily, evenly. It was exactly the same way one would brake a car in a videogame, and exactly the last thing he should have done.

"Autopilot disengaged," announced Lily Frond's chipper voice. "Have a happy flight!"

Kelp watched, helpless, as the scene before him dissolved into chaos. As the camera was mounted to the walls of the craft, the room itself did not seem to change. Instead, it appeared that the three humans simultaneously flew to the left, and then fell upwards to the ceiling. Someone swore. Someone else screamed. Somebody squeaked.

A moment later, an upside-down Artemis entered the top of the frame. "Call you back," he panted, and before Kelp could say another word, the screen went dark.

-x-

Without automatic stabilizers to handle the roaring air currents within the chute, the shuttle had entered freefall.

Artemis landed on the roof of the shuttle, still clinging with one hand to the pilot's chair as he attempted to use the other to type a command into the communication system. Behind him, Bec was still screaming, while Demia was attempting to crawl towards her friend.

The comm screen cleared to reveal the LEPfoul boiler room. It was almost unrecognizable without the boilers. Holly was in the centre of the frame, looking over the camera as she wrapped up a lecture to the interns.

The shuttle bumped again and Artemis's arm slipped as he was thrown backwards once more. For a brief instant, he may as well have been twelve years old again, trying desperately to hold to the side of a speeding train above the Arctic Circle. The flashback passed; he reached forward once more to the communication box. "Holly!"

"Please tell me you're upside-down because we're having interference problems again," said the elf, watching as Artemis began once more to slide out of view. In the background, Demia had managed to reach Becquerel, grabbing for his hand. She leaned in against him to say something; he finally stopped screaming.

"Holly!" repeated Artemis, another bump nearly sending him flying across the shuttle once more. "Autopilot - how do I fix it?"

"What model of shuttle are you in?" Seeing the chaos on the screen, Holly was completely composed. It wouldn't do them any good to lose her head now.

"RAFS!" Artemis gasped before losing his grip once more on the pilot's seat. He flew out of frame, and something inside the vehicle crashed; it was a tense few seconds before the top of his head popped into view again on the left side of the screen. In the background Demia and Becquerel huddled together, wedged behind one of the passenger's seats to try and minimize their movement.

"Right. Arty, there should be a panel beneath this communications console. Get it open - third switch to the right should do it."

Artemis didn't bother replying, conserving his breath. Instead, Holly watched as, inch by inch, the top of his head travelled slowly down the left side of the screen. The vehicle rolled once more in freefall, buffeted by the air currents roaring around the small craft, and all three Changelings were thrown to the other side of the room. Bec began to scream again. At least this time they seemed to have landed right-side up, as Artemis momentarily regained his footing. He popped up briefly before ducking down beneath the camera to pry the panel open. In such an old vehicle, the console hadn't been opened in years - it stuck.

"Fowl! Status report!" barked Holly.

"Won't open!"

"Well, you're the genius, so figure it out!" Back in the boiler room, Holly's knuckles were white.

"Wait - Myles!" exclaimed Artemis, reaching inside his jacket pocket for the laser pointer that his brother had sheepishly returned that afternoon.

"Is it open yet?" asked Holly once more, taking his statement as confirmation of a plan. Artemis twisted his wrist a little bit, aiming the laser beam to slice down the hinges of the door. It melted through the metal effortlessly, and the panel sprung open.

"Found it!" he replied, reaching for the button.

-x-

She almost knew the shuttle would crash the moment before it did. After all, nothing was ever that easy.

The shuttle jolted one final time, slamming all three Changelings against the ceiling of the craft. Becquerel Jones abruptly stopped screaming, and for a moment the video frame froze entirely. The next second it had gone completely dark, though the audio persisted for a little while longer. Metal screeched as the craft hit the side of the chute, the exterior of the craft crumpling on impact. The sounds of shattering rock persisted, louder than the shuttle's collapse. Artemis was yelling, but she couldn't make out his words through the din.

"I can't hear you, Artemis!" she yelled into the console, leaning forward to try and make her own voice audible.

"Holl -" Artemis began again, before the screech of tearing metal cut him off.

Then the audio feed died, and all was silent.

-x-

(To be continued in the season finale...)