EPISODE 1.07: TROLL CONTINGENCY PLAN (2)
Season Finale. Foul Team races to the crash site, and they'd better have a troll contingency plan ready.
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Authors' Warning: As the season finale, expect mood whiplash and emotional turmoil. This carries on directly from 1.06, so make sure you've read that first or the team's current crisis may not make sense!
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The LEPfoul boiler room was silent, the disassembled boilers unable to whine an interruption. The interns stood in a row in the centre of the room, staring stunned at their leader.
Holly did not speak. Nor could she move, her eyes frozen on the blank screen before her. Not again, she thought desperately, not again, not again -
It was Dodo who moved first, reaching a hand to tentatively touch Holly's arm. The elf jerked out of her reach, blinking hard. "Caltrop," Holly said sharply, without even turning to look at him. "Get that line back."
Gulping nervously, the water sprite slid into the chair in front of the desk to type a command.
"Is it back yet?" Holly asked.
"Um, glub, not -"
"You're fired. Sass - get Foaly in here now. I don't care what it takes."
The centaur anxiously tapped a hoof to the floor. "I think he's on vacation?"
"You're fired. Get him in here anyways."
Sass saluted, trotting for the door. "Will do, boss lady."
Caltrop was twisting nervously in his seat to stare at Holly. He considered clarifying whether he had actually been fired, saw the look on Holly's face, and continued to attempt a retrieval of the shuttle link instead.
"And Dodo - pull up the location stats on the shuttle. Now."
"On it," the dwarf replied immediately, and scurried over to the intern terminal.
Holly watched her interns, fists clenched and breathing hard. From behind her came a new voice.
"Hey, Holly! Who died and put you in charge?"
Holly turned slowly. Mulch saw her expression and took a cringing step back. "Wait, you have your someone-actually-did-die face on. Who was it? And where's Mud Boy?" The sequence of his questions caught up with him. "Oh. Oh no."
Holly was already walking briskly towards the door, grabbing his arm as she passed. "I'll explain on the way."
-x-
"Look, dude, I can't let you in. Unless you're here to play with the kids, and frankly, I'd welcome that because they're a handful." The artificial intelligence released a hiss of steam; the sound came out as a sigh.
"Look, dude," retorted Sass, "It's an emergency. An Uncle Ted emergency."
"Oh." The artificial intelligence paused for a moment, running the code word through the database. "Oh, I see. That's not good, is it?"
Sass stomped a hoof. "As I've been saying, no, it's not! Now lemme talk to Uncle Foaly!"
"Patching you through now. Have a wonderful day."
-x-
Caltrop had never imagined that he'd come to enjoy his job. It was a way to stay out of prison and evade the talons of the dread Lucia, nothing more. And yet...there was something to be said for being able to call himself "Head Intern." Something to be said for being part of a team.
He hoped Holly hadn't meant it when she fired him, and so he trailed silently after her and Mulch, waiting for an opportunity to state his case. It didn't seem to be forthcoming - the elf had already gone about the business of bumping a patrol team to commandeer their vehicle for a rescue mission, while Mulch stood at her shoulder making menacing faces at anybody who dared protest.
Actually, he may have just been constipated. Caltrop moved upwind.
The sprite might even have gotten aboard the shuttle entirely unnoticed if not for Lucia. As the doors to the vehicle swung shut, the canary gave a piercing cry. "She's here!" exclaimed Caltrop.
Mulch whirled around. "Holly, one of your interns followed us."
The elf had already strapped herself into the pilot's seat, her teeth bared in a grimace. "Chlorella, how much do you know about chute speed limits?"
"I - don't?"
"Good." She turned back to Mulch. "He can stay."
Lucia made the mistake of choosing Mulch as her first target. A moment before the doors sealed completely, the bird swooped down at the dwarf's face. Mulch responded by opening his mouth and looking up.
"I like this intern. He brought a snack," he mumbled around a mouthful of canary.
"You can't eat her!" cried Caltrop. "That's cruel!"
Reluctantly, Mulch spat the bird back out. Wrapped entirely in dwarf spit, she glared menacingly at her foes. The dwarf patted her on the head gently, swore as she nearly took a chunk out of his fingertip with her beak, and tucked her carefully inside a pocket to save for later.
There was no more time for banter, as the shuttle shot out of the docking port like a cork from a bottle. Despite himself, Caltrop gave a squeak of terror at the acceleration. Mulch laughed.
"You've never seen her fly before, have you? Oh, this is going to be fun."
Holly's glare immediately shut them both up, and the rest of the trip was spent in silent trepidation.
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From the tiny camera lens of the artificial dragonfly, Foaly's face appeared incredibly large and oddly round. He glared up into the lens, brushing a hoof against the forest floor in irritation. Artificial sunlight filtered down through the leaves, just one of the perks that merited the three year waiting list. "Someone had better be dying."
Sass rubbed the back of her neck. "Well-"
"Oh no. What's going on?" Sass opened her mouth to speak and Foaly added hastily, "And not so loud. Caballine might hear."
"Well, you know how you rigged those RAFS shuttles so they wouldn't respond to humans?"
Foaly's eyes bulged. Given the rounded lens, this appeared even more impressive than it was. "Please don't tell me Artemis managed to break -"
"If it helps, I don't think he was the one that broke it. I think he was trying to stop them."
"Them," Foaly repeated. "Them? Multiples?"
Sass nodded, tugging at a lock of green hair as she studied her uncle's panicked face. The last time she had seen him so upset had been during an incident involving a picnic basket, a barbeque grill, and several gnomes from accounting.
On second thought, she was pretty sure his current expression was probably worse. "Look, Uncle Foaly - I think Aunty Caballine will understand you coming back for this one."
-x-
An hour later, Dodo was shoved out of her chair by a frantic-looking centaur who bore a striking resemblance to Sass. Minus the fluorescent hair, of course. "Pardon -?"
"I'm here to save Mud Boy's bacon. Again." Foaly shook his head for a moment. "It's kind of a habit. I used to be head of a chess club, we met every Wednesday, they had great sandwiches, but now I do this." The whole time he spoke, the centaur typed away at the terminal, pulling up and discarding interfaces. "Ah, there we go - found them!"
"I've got Holly and the others on a line here," said Dodo as she passed over a headset, deciding she could get a proper explanation later. Foaly hooked the headset over one ear, and - after a moment of rummaging around in Artemis's desk drawer - pulled another one online and set it jauntily on the other side of his head.
"Right. Let's see how big of a mess he made this time." Foaly cracked his knuckles, forcing a grin. "I'm sure whatever it is, we've seen worse."
He clicked the button. The phone rang.
And rang.
And rang.
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"They should have picked up by now," whined Caltrop anxiously.
Holly glared.
The line continued to ring.
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Artemis's ears were ringing.
It was dark, but that might have been because his eyes were closed. He hurt everywhere, but that was actually an encouraging sign. Hurting meant he wasn't dead again - Holly would be pleased. And as nowhere in particular hurt more than anywhere else, that was another good sign. Still, he ran through the checklist before attempting to sit up.
Dead? No. Legs, arms, ribs - check, check, check (I think). Do I know where I am? Metal surface, uneven - another no, then. Do I remember what happened? Yes - Jones crashed the shuttle. That explains the metal. If we landed upside down, then I am laying on the roof. Or what remains of it.
Not the most eloquent chain of thoughts, but he had long since pared down his mental checklist to the bare essentials. Having determined that he was alive, relatively unharmed, and in a familiar environment, he opened his eyes. It didn't help much, as the room really was dark. As Artemis wiggled his fingers, something cool and cylindrical rolled across his palm. Oh. If that was what he thought it was - Artemis fumbled with the device and managed to find the switch. A thin, red laser beam shot through the roof, making a faint hissing sound as it carved through the metal.
Excellent. Somehow, he had managed to keep hold of his laser pointer during the crash. Artemis was rather proud. He thumbed the dial, muting the focus of the light so it could serve as a flashlight. Suitably armed, he sat up and realized that the ringing wasn't only in his ears.
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The line clicked and Holly wondered whether Foaly had given up. She opened her mouth to snap at him to try again when a familiar - though currently quite feeble - voice sounded on the other end. "I'm alive."
Holly let out a breath. "We weren't worried about you," she said quickly. "But what in Frond's name did you manage to do to that shuttle?"
"You can see it?" Artemis asked. He attempted a smile, even though the link was audio-only.
There was a pause. "Well, we can see the mess it made. You were lucky. The shuttle hit a tunnel at the right angle and followed it down pretty far. Plenty of room to shed velocity. Your tracking equipment's all scrambled, which means the shuttle kept rolling as it slid. That probably saved your life - lots of bumps but no sudden stops. Rocks caved in behind you, but we've got Mulch here to handle that. He'll dig you out. How about the others - anyone harmed?"
There was a pause and the sound of shifting metal. "Someone's coming around," he answered. "I'll go check."
"We'll be here," Holly said, "And Artemis?" She tapped four times on the mic.
Two taps by the way of reply, and then the rattle of loose stones as he moved away from the comm.
-x-
Artemis was halfway through the wreck of the shuttle, keeping his movements slow and deliberate as the metal creaked and groaned around him. It didn't even look like a shuttle anymore - as it had rolled through the rocks and into the tunnel, long strips of the outer casing had been torn clean off while smaller pieces of stone had rained down inside.
He could hear the sounds of someone stirring ahead of him, and aimed the light ahead. The beam fell on Becquerel's face. The teenager uncurled slowly, grumbling in protest. His face was smeared on one side with dirt, his jacket was torn from the slide down the tunnel, and a spectacular bruise was beginning to blossom on his forehead. Despite this, he still had the vigour to flail reflexively back from the light.
"Gerroff!" the teen snarled, waving an arm over his eyes.
"Good, you survived," said Artemis, sounding a lot more chipper than he felt. "Demia?"
"I'm here!" the girl cried, and popped up behind Bec to dust off her skirt. In contrast to her companion, her eyes were bright and her teeth gleamed in the dark as she smiled. "Wow, what a tumble. Lucky I landed on Bec!"
"Lucky," Bec repeated grouchily, lowering his arm. By way of response, Artemis flicked the light once more to Becquerel's face. "Argh! What was that for?"
"Checking your pupillary reflex," replied Artemis coolly. "Good. You're not concussed. Stay where you are. We were buried by a rockfall, but I'm working on securing us a way out."
"Like you were working on making sure we crashed in the first place? Art, I heard you when we were falling - nobody sounds that calm in a crash unless it's exactly where they want to be." Bec pushed himself up on his elbows, grimacing. Artemis paused.
"I failed to see how sitting there and screaming would help the situation. Nothing more, nothing less."
"You sounded like you knew exactly what you were doing."
Artemis didn't see the point in arguing. Instead, by way of response, Artemis shot him once more with the light.
"Stop doing that!" yelled Bec, raising his voice for the first time since regaining consciousness. Somewhere above the shuttle and to the left, something gave a menacing growl.
A low growl, a bloodthirsty growl.
A familiar growl.
Artemis flicked the light off.
-x-
She heard the skittering of stones before Artemis's voice whispered, "Everyone's accounted for. Jones is likely concussed, and Carter is unharmed."
"Good to hear it," Holly responded, "But we've got a problem. I thought it was pushing luck even for you that your shuttle just happened to hit the one tunnel in the chute. So I had Foaly pull up the schematics, and it turns out -"
"Trolls," Artemis said softly. "They shut down the chute because of the trolls. There's probably a whole network of tunnels running all through this side of the rock. Crashing into one was like throwing a rock into an anthill."
"Yes," she said in surprise. "How did you - Oh no. You're whispering."
"Yes, Holly. I am whispering for a reason."
"No need to get snippy with the rescue party," she retorted. "How close is it?"
Artemis paused. "I think it may be "them.""
Mulch moved closer to the speaker. "Hey, Artemis! You'll have to talk louder, I can't hear you!" As if in agreement, Lucia wiggled in his pocket and let out a bloodthirsty screech.
"You brought the bird with you?" Artemis hissed.
"Saving her for a snack," Mulch responded cheerfully.
Holly raised her hands in defeat.
-x-
Becquerel waited until Artemis had moved to the other end of the shuttle before rolling over towards Demia. "We have a problem," he told her grimly.
"I'll say - you're a mess," she responded. "Not very good at adventures, are you? That's fair enough - this is my first adventure, too. I hear the learning curve is steep but we're smart, we can do it."
"That's just it, though," Bec said. "Art is much too calm. No matter how steep the learning curve is, there's no way you can get used to something like this. Not unless you planned it."
Demia bit her lip. "But he said he would help."
"Doesn't mean he meant it. Man, Demi, you really need to stop being so trusting."
She folded her arms and stared at him. "You're still upset over the dwarf thing. I get it. But I don't think anyone would want to be inside a crashing shuttle."
"You heard him, though, when we were crashing. Talking to that girl, doing something with the panel - he was making sure it crashed properly. Do you think it's a coincidence that we started to fall the moment the other fairy - the one who seemed to be in charge - decided we weren't going to cooperate? Think, Demia. However we get out of this situation, Art's not going to be part of it."
"I dunno." Demia gnawed on her lower lip for a moment. She shifted a little, sending rocks tumbling down the slope behind her. "He seemed scared of whatever's growling outside."
"Of course he wants us to think that! Look - we're right where he needs us to be. We need to get out of here, Demi. Please, just trust me."
The girl twisted to peer over the rubble to where Artemis still sat, talking quietly into the communication's console. Finally, she gave a small nod. "Okay. I'm with you, Bec."
-x-
Artemis had begun to wear a path through the rubble from the number of times he had picked his way between the comm device and the Changelings.
"I think Bec might actually be concussed after all," noted Demia, her brow furrowed in concern. "He tried to stand up, and -" She crinkled her nose. "Yuck."
Bec lifted his head from where he had hunched over in the corner, wiping his mouth with the back of his sleeve. "I hate you, Art."
Artemis shrugged, maintaining a safe distance from both Changelings. "My mistake. You blinked."
"Are you serious -"
"What did I tell you about being quiet?" Artemis snapped with a careful glance upwards. The growling had resumed, and he continued to speak in a whisper. "We've got a rescue party on the way, so we simply need to wait for them to arrive. Stay quiet - trolls are adapted to the dark, and so their sense of hearing is keen."
"Wait, if they're magic, shouldn't we try to get them to help us?" asked Demia, rubbing Bec's shoulder.
"You can't be serious. What part of your brain hears growling and assumes it's friendly?" asked Artemis, before shooting a pointed glare at Becquerel. "I take that back. My point is, trolls are perfectly capable of tearing through the walls of the shuttle to get to us, so just stay quiet, please."
"So if they hear us, they'll come inside and we'll have to move?" Demia straightened her spine, lifting her hand from Becquerel's shoulder. "I understand perfectly!"
Artemis went cold. He suddenly knew what she was about to do, but there was no way to stop her.
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The shrill scream carried over the comm line as Holly swung the shuttle sharply to the side, nestling it in against the tract the crash had scorched in the rock. Her hand hovered over the controls for a moment, waiting for the docking clamps to engage and secure them against the side of the chute. She'd have to watch them manually; the chute walls were thin and crumbled easily under any kind of pressure. "Fowl, what happened?"
For a long moment, there was no human reply on the other end. The girl's scream petered out. Half a second later, the sound of tearing metal began again. For one gut-wrenching moment Holly wondered if the shuttle had slipped down a slope or began to roll once more; almost immediately, the predatory growl of a troll hit the comm, settling that bout of fear and raising a whole new crop of questions.
"Eek!" the female voice piped up in the distance, "I know why you wanted us to stay quiet now!"
-x-
The troll had managed to reach one hand through the hole it had torn in the shuttle's wall, and the rest of it would not take long to follow. "Get behind me," Artemis ordered, fiddling once more with his laser pointer. When neither of the Changelings moved, he snapped, "Unless you'd prefer to learn firsthand what those tusks can do."
It was Demia who gathered her wits enough to pull Bec into the corner behind Artemis. "Do you have a magic weapon?"
"Yes," he said shortly. The troll barged the rest of the way through the wall and turned towards its prey. Artemis flicked on the light.
The resulting roar was truly impressive.
"I think I like magic," Demia noted. Bec threw up again.
-x-
"Yes, I recognize your right to dress according to preference," Holly growled at Mulch, "But the heat in the chute will fry you alive if you aren't wearing the protective suit on the way to the blockage. You can take it off as soon as you're in the tunnel and ready to start digging."
Mulch was about to put up another token protest even as he reached for the heat resistant suit in the side locker when Artemis's voice sounded again through the comm.
"I bought us some time."
Holly leaned forward. "How did you manage-?"
"My laser pointer." The Mud Boy sounded proud. "I installed a setting for just this sort of situation. Wavelength of the beam's calibrated to 500 nanometres - pure cyan. Hardest wavelength for rod cells to process, overloaded the nocturnal visual system completely. Should put the troll out of commission for roughly five minutes while the retina adjusts to the dark again." He frowned. "Ten, actually, but I'm cutting my estimate in half to be safe."
"Safe. Right. And after five minutes?"
"I shoot it again."
Caltrop looked up in interest. "You installed a troll setting? That's what you meant by having a t-troll contingency plan! You put a troll light in that thing because you c-carry it around."
"The other way around. I carry it because I installed a troll setting, obviously."
"Of course you did," said Holly through clenched teeth. "Can you get out of there now?"
"Yes, but I'm taking the communication module with me."
"It's attached to the dock, you can't -"
A hissing sound crackled over the line as the laser pointer sliced cleanly through the module attachment. Despite the grim situation inside the downed shuttle, Artemis nearly grinned as he caught the newly-freed comm before it could clatter to the floor. "Done. I'll talk to you when I've caught up with the others."
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Bec jerked to a stop, pulling on Demia's hand so she wouldn't leave him behind. "Hang on," he groaned, and bent over. "I think I read somewhere that running is bad for a concussion."
Demia rolled her eyes, but she waited for him to catch his breath. "We'd better keep moving," she reminded him. "If the troll can see in the dark then he'll have the advantage. We'd better find someplace to hide."
With another moan, Bec straightened up and passed her his phone. It had been turned to the highest brightness setting in order to act as a light to guide their path, although both Changelings knew the battery could not last forever. "Take the lead," he said. "Art's probably right behind us."
Demia was biting her lip again. "I think you were right - he knew exactly what to do with the troll."
"Of course I was right. Now keep moving. I'll keep an eye on our rear."
-x-
It had taken considerable effort even for Foaly to be able to hack into the backup communication system of the shuttle in order to set up another line to Artemis. So when the signal began moving, the centaur nearly had a fit.
"Does he realize it could go out of range at any time?" he wailed, typing furiously.
Dodo patted him on the shoulder and handed him another cup of fresh-made coffee. "I'm sure you'll figure it out. I hear that you're the best."
"I am the best," agreed Foaly, feeling slightly better. "Even Fowl admits it. I knew I hired you for a reason, Feldspar."
Dodo almost argued that she'd heard otherwise from Artemis himself, but decided to let it rest. This was probably the wrong time to pick a fight.
-x-
The path that the Changelings had stumbled upon led up a natural slope in the rock. It narrowed as they followed it, the sides of the path falling away sharply from the light of Bec's cell phone. Occasionally, Demia would tip it upward, attempting to make out the cavern ahead of them, but the light was not strong enough to illuminate much of anything.
They'd been following the path for several minutes before something growled directly ahead. The ground vibrated twice and Demia stopped, tucking the light into her pocket so it shone against her leg.
"It's on the bridge," whispered Bec, a little bit needlessly.
"We have to pass it," Demia told him resolutely. "But it's okay, I know how this works. Littlest one first."
"What? Are you insane?"
"No! I just studied Norwegian folklore. You know, my dad went there on sabbatical," she explained. "Three Billy Goats Gruff. If we count Artemis, there are three of us, so it works perfectly. The troll lets the first two goats pass because they promise another, larger goat is right behind them. And then the largest goat knows there's a troll there, so he just knocks it off the bridge! Artemis has the magic light, so he'll be fine."
Bec was less certain. "Can we even negotiate with it?"
She nodded quickly. "Most of the stories say trolls are really smart, even if they're mean. You just have to know how to talk to them! It'll be okay, it's an adventure."
"I don't think that's how adventures work, Demi."
"I know it's scary but in fairy tales and adventures you have to be brave. I'm smaller, so I'll go first." She stood on her tiptoes and kissed him on the cheek, before skipping off into the dark.
-x-
In the middle of the bridge, the troll lifted its head.
-x-
Artemis heard a scream. It cut off abruptly.
He started to run.
-x-
"Was that - was that Artemis?" asked Caltrop, bubbles rising rapidly in his gill tank.
"No." Holly looked to Mulch, who had finally managed to squeeze himself into the heat-resistant suit. "Fowl's a lot more squeaky when he panics."
"I can still hear you!" came Artemis's voice over the comm. He was out of breath, having just reached the slope that led to the bridge.
"Oh, good, decided to join us again?" Holly was snippy - he'd been ignoring her requests for a status report for the last five minutes and she'd had to reattach the shuttle to the chute wall twice already, as the clamps kept slipping loose.
"I was running," he said, spotting a light on the bridge up ahead. It was clear and white and narrow, the sort of light produced by the screen of an electronic device. The light shone dimly up towards the ceiling of the cavern, fading before it could reach any kind of roof. Something bulky moved in the shadows, beyond the edge of illumination. Artemis paused, watching the light source intently for a moment. It was still.
"You? Running?"
"Yes. And therefore not talking." Artemis kept his eyes fixed upon the bridge ahead, switching his laser pointer back to produce a wide beam of red light. 700nm. Should be beyond the visible range of the trolls, though if Becquerel and Demia are still there, they'll see it. If not -
He couldn't let himself finish that thought.
"Are Carter and Jones with you?" Holly asked, returning her attention once more to the docking clamps. The new segment of wall that the rescue shuttle had latched onto kept threatening to crumble again, and the last thing they needed was another crash.
Artemis did not reply, shining his light down along the ridge that fell away from the path. If anyone had escaped, it would have been down that way. At first, it seemed as though there would be no sign - then something caught the light and reflected it back to him.
A single rainboot laying alone on its side. It told Artemis all he needed to know.
He swallowed hard and moved the light past the boot, tracking it slowly up to the surface of the bridge. A moment later, hand shaking, he returned the beam to the boot. A deep breath to steady his grip and then - just as slowly - Artemis began to examine the lower half of the slope. Just beyond the reach of the light was a small outcropping of boulders and it almost looked as though something human-sized was moving on the other side of them - he thought he saw the swish of Becquerel's ponytail - but it was too far away to know for sure. He switched off the laser pointer to conserve battery. If the Changeling was there, he was not looking up; if he moved, Artemis would hear it.
He finally answered Holly's question, his voice flat. "I might have Jones."
"And Carter?"
Artemis shook his head but didn't answer. "Tell Mulch to bring the bird."
"The what?"
"The bird," he snapped as loudly as he dared. His fingers curled around the comm. "I think I can get him out of here, but I need the bird."
"Lucia's a liability," Holly replied as calmly as she could, adjusting the docking clamps one last time to be sure they would remain anchored to the side of the chute as Mulch finally prepared to leave the vehicle. "I won't send her in there. Does Mulch have a clear path to get you out?"
"Holly," whispered Artemis, "Please just trust me. I can get Becquerel Jones out of here alive, but I need the bird to do it."
On the other side of the line the elf tilted her head back and counted backwards from four in her head, exhaling slowly. By the time she reached zero, Holly had decided. "Fine." She waved a hand at Mulch, who picked Lucia back up from where he had set her aside for safekeeping. With her wings glued to her sides by dwarf spit, the bird could do nothing more menacing than chirp in a threatening way. Grumbling to himself about the waste of a perfectly good snack as he tucked Lucia inside his heat-resistant suit for protection, Mulch promptly ejected himself from the shuttle and began to dig.
And then there was nothing left for Holly to do but wait.
-x-
It was the longest fifteen minutes Artemis had experienced in years.
He remained crouched in the dark at the side of the path, the comm held tightly in his hand. Every sixty seconds, four beats sounded over the line; Artemis would respond with two taps of his finger against the comm's mic. To anything else in the tunnel the sound would be inaudible, but it echoed loud and clear through the shuttle's speakers.
Artemis had learned through plenty of observation that Mulch was a fast tunneller, but he recognized that it would take time to create a safe path through the debris field. He tried to occupy his time by calculating just how long the dwarf would take but gave up as there was no way to accurately recall how far the shuttle had rolled.
So when the ground trembled to his right, Artemis jumped and almost hit it with his comm.
"Oh look," said Mulch once he'd swallowed a last mouthful of dirt. He pulled himself out of the hole. "Here I am, saving you from trolls again. And here you are, not appreciating it." After a moment of rummaging around in his reluctantly-worn protective suit, the dwarf produced Lucia with a flourish. "Just like old times."
The bird shook a small cascade of loose earth from her plumage, and gave a disgruntled squawk.
-x-
"I still don't understand why I can't just ride the troll to freedom," repeated Mulch in token protest.
"We're only safe now because we've avoided drawing their attention," Artemis whispered. "I've heard more than one of them moving over there, but can't get an accurate count from here - we need crowd control." He reached for his tie and had to look down to find it, as it had twisted to hang over his shoulder at some point amidst the crash or subsequent scrambling. He pulled it forward again, loosening the knot before pulling the tie from around his neck.
"So you're grooming?" Mulch asked skeptically.
Artemis subjected him to the Patented Fowl Glare, which didn't translate well in the dim light of Mulch's headlamp. "Where's the bird?"
"I am told her name is Lucia," Mulch said delicately, but he passed the canary over to Artemis. Still encased in glowing dwarf spit, she was helpless. She squawked once more and Mulch looked up worriedly. "The trolls have probably noticed us now. Should I glue her mouth shut?"
"That wouldn't fit with the plan," Artemis said softly, concentrating on using his tie to secure his laser pointer to Lucia's claws.
Mulch looked over the resulting knot critically and spat a wad of spit into his hand before rubbing it all over the bird's claws. Lucia croaked unhappily.
Across the bridge, something stirred.
"That will have to do," Artemis decided, and flicked the dial to the troll setting. "She's ready."
Mulch began carefully freeing the hardened spit from her wings, attempting to brush down the feathers. "You know, there's a water sprite back in the shuttle that will be very sad to see Lucia go."
"Knowing her, she'll be just fine," responded Artemis.
Mulch straightened and thrust his arms into the air. "If you say so. Be free!" he told the canary, opening his hands to release her. "Fly, noble bird!"
-x-
The noble bird flew all of two feet before she came to terms with her surroundings, appraised the situation, and decided who was to blame.
Following a tradition nearly a decade long, the canary immediately concluded that Artemis was the one responsible for everything that was currently wrong with the situation. She would have her revenge. Stretching her wings - ah, freedom! - and wheeling sharply in the air, she released a magnificent battle cry, testing her voice in the confined space. It echoed beautifully, the sound bouncing off the rock walls to magnify and emanate from every surface at once.
For one spectacular moment, her momentum balanced perfectly against gravity. Lucia was weightless.
The next instant, she tucked her talons in as far as they would go with the extra weight she was carrying, and dove.
-x-
"Mud Boy - !" Mulch shifted backwards away from Artemis the moment the beam of cyan light dipped in the air as the bird wheeled above them.
"Get to Jones!" Though he hadn't relished the prospect of more running, Artemis had assumed that Lucia would not be one to let grudges go quite so easily. There was only one way to lure the bird towards her intended targets, and so Artemis took one step out onto the bridge, and then another.
Lucia cried out as she went down for the kill. Rather than tearing into the back of his head with her talons, the bird only succeeded in hitting Artemis from behind with the tip of the laser pointer. The genius stumbled forwards, instinctively closing his eyes to prevent from being blinded by the beam as it darted off to the side of the path, the bird circling around for another approach -
Nearly there.
He was two feet away from Demia's dropped cell phone when Lucia noticed the bigger target waiting at the end of the bridge. She screeched, shooting out over Artemis's head with the troll light still pointed directly before her.
At the end of the bridge, the troll looked up and gave a snarl.
Perfect.
Artemis didn't wait for further confirmation; he already knew from Bec's position behind the rocks that traversing the slope at the side of the bridge was survivable, and so he paused for only a moment at the edge before momentum caught up with him and he slid. It wasn't graceful; his arms pinwheeled in a frantic attempt to keep his balance before his feet slipped out from beneath him entirely. A small rockslide accompanied him down the slope, and he barely managed to avoid tumbling into Mulch, who had by now managed to cross the lower path.
"The bird won't have a chance," the dwarf said pointedly, glancing upwards. Artemis shook his head as the roar of a blinded troll shook the walls of the cave.
"Lucia always goes for the eyes," he panted. "The light - she'll keep them busy!"
-x-
And then Becquerel Jones finally pushed himself up out of his hiding space, eyes wide and face pale in the bleary light cast by Mulch's headlamp. At some point over the last few minutes his hair had come tumbling out of his ponytail - it now hung limply around his face, and he pushed it back from his forehead with a trembling hand. For a moment the two genii studied each other warily.
"Demi -" Bec began, his voice hoarse.
"We need to go," Artemis said firmly. "I'm sorry."
Bec's eyes fell on Mulch. "You!"
"Yes, me," the dwarf said cheerfully. "Can we go now?"
"No, Demi - Demi said she'd be back," said Becquerel, his gaze snapping back to Artemis. "She knew what she was doing. Nobody knows folklore better than her."
"And no one knows trolls better than me," Artemis said rapidly. "Troll tusks contain an anesthetic that, within minutes of contact with the bloodstream, will stop the human heart. She's long gone, Becquerel. We need to go."
Becquerel looked down at his hands for just a moment, one thumb tracing over the other. When he returned to watching Artemis, his eyes were hard and his voice hollow. "We're not on a first-name basis, Fowl. We are not friends."
"I'm saving your life anyways. We need to go."
-x-
Mulch brought them out of the tunnel neatly, following the vibrations the loosely-attached docking clamps sent echoing through the rock face to emerge exactly over the port in the shuttle's side. This ensured the humans were not exposed to the heat of the chute for any span of time; unfortunately, the angle of the tunnel left them with a short drop to the floor of the shuttle.
Artemis had brought up the rear on the way back, predicting that Becquerel would attempt to return for Demia at least once. He was correct, and it was only through a well-timed threat from Mulch that the return to the rescue vehicle proceeded according to plan.
"If you two mud boys don't stop fighting back there, I will take action!" the dwarf had hissed. Becquerel had gulped and immediately turned back around, crawling silently for the rest of the journey with his mouth firmly closed.
When they reached the shuttle Mulch jumped the last two feet to the floor of the vehicle, shaking himself briskly to clear crumbs of dirt from his beard. Holly glanced anxiously over her shoulder, her hands still tensed around the docking controls as Becquerel flopped limply to the ground. For once Artemis had a little more grace, managing to not land on the other Changeling as he pushed himself free of the earth.
Holly didn't like to ask, but she had never been given verbal confirmation of Carter's status. "Is that everybody?" she said softly.
"No!" said Bec, pushing himself up from the floor, his eyes watering from the sudden light. His forehead wound from the crash had blossomed into a livid purple bruise, and his entire body was shaking.
"Yes," said Artemis without looking at Becquerel. As he limped towards the front of the shuttle, Artemis made a futile attempt to dust off the jacket of his suit. After such a venture, the damage to the garment would of course be irreparable; attempting to neaten his appearance was habit, all the same.
Holly did not need to release the clamps, as they chose that moment to part way entirely with the rockface. The vehicle shuddered a little as she pulled back lightly on the controls to regain stability; both Artemis and Becquerel froze at the sound of loosened rock cascading against the outer shell of the vehicle.
The disturbance didn't last long. Once they were flying, safe in Holly's capable hands, Artemis finally exhaled.
-x-
The entire affair had been resolved in less time than it took for the LEP to assemble a formal rescue mission. Now, there was nothing to do but return to Haven.
Having reassured Holly that he was not injured by the ordeal, Artemis had borrowed her own personal communicator and excused himself to the back of the shuttle to make what he referred to only as "an important phone call." The elf, catching the look on his face, didn't ask any questions beyond that - she simply handed over the device and returned her attention to the flight. She knew that he would be perfectly willing to explain when he was ready, and not a moment sooner.
On his way to the back of the shuttle, where he would be able to talk privately, Artemis had to pass Becquerel Jones. The genius was sitting against the wall of the vehicle with his hand in his hands, hair fallen in front of his face. He rocked back and forth a little bit with the movement of the shuttle, and dug the nails of his right hand so firmly against his left palm that his fingers were the bloodless colour of bone.
"Jones?" asked Artemis softly. "What can I -"
Before Artemis could finish the question, the teenager had sprung to his feet. Bec swung wildly; both were surprised when his fist connected with Artemis's cheek.
Had this happened under any other circumstances, onlookers would have cheered. As it was, Caltrop simply slipped in between the two Mud Boys before the situation could escalate even further. For the first time in this escapade, he had seen an opportunity to be useful.
"Easy there, easy," he told Bec, raising both hands as he looked up into the teenager's eyes. "Calm down, everything's fine. It's all right. Why don't you sit back down?"
Bec's brow creased, and it looked as though he was going to argue before the magic of the mesmer caught him. "I... think I'll sit down now," he decided, shooting one last glare at Artemis, who had raised his hand gingerly to the side of his face.
Holly didn't even turn around. "Fowl, do I need to come heal you again?"
Artemis prodded at the already forming bruise and winced. "No, I almost think I deserved that."
As Artemis retreated to make his phone call, Holly knew better than to fight him. Attacks of conscience were rare enough for her friend; she may as well allow this one to run its course.
-x-
Upon arriving at the Haven shuttleport, the craft was swarmed with LEP officers, emergency responders, an entire retrieval team, and a warlock before Holly had a chance to even shut off the engine. "You pulled out all the stops on this one," she noted as Commander Kelp himself stepped through the door, surveying the occupants skeptically.
"Fowl, what did I say about sitting and waiting for a team to pick you up?"
Artemis raised an eyebrow. "I tried that approach."
The commander looked around the room once more - from Holly, who had still not let go of the shuttle's controls, to where Becquerel remained slumped against the wall in a mesmer-induced daze, to where Caltrop stood guard two feet away, to Mulch (who was still absorbed in picking stray rocks from his beard), and finally back to Artemis, who hadn't moved.
"D'Arvit!" the commander swore, before turning on his heel and exiting the craft. Everybody present knew that a serious conversation needed to be had with Kelp, but that was fine. Now was not the time.
The retrieval unit was the second LEP presence to board the shuttle. They were tasked with escorting Jones to a secure facility, where he would be given appropriate medical attention and held until the matter had been investigated. Of course a safe mind wipe had already been arranged. Holly signed the custody transfer form; Artemis simply watched them tug the mesmerized human to his feet and lead him out into the crowd.
A moment later, they rounded a corner and were gone from sight.
-x-
It took the shuttle's other occupants nearly two hours to return to Police Plaza, accosted every several steps by specialists who insisted they had something of benefit to add to the situation. Finally, Holly began to outright snarl at any soul to venture within two feet of their little party. This effectively thinned the crowd, but did not dissipate it entirely.
In one memorable instance, an especially brave sprite in a paramedic's uniform jumped up from behind, flapped his wings twice to reach Artemis's height, and draped a shock blanket over the Mud Boy's shoulders. Artemis distastefully pulled it off with one hand.
Looking down at the blanket, his brow furrowed in dismay. "I probably could have used one of these seven years ago. Perhaps eight. I should file a complaint."
Holly shrugged, reaching to pluck it away. "We can write up a form later. Should probably check on the interns now - even if you don't need this, at least one of them will."
His hand twisted against hers for just a moment, fingertips brushing together.
Mulch loudly wondered if he'd managed to let out all the air back in the tunnel, or if there were still a few stubborn bubbles that would need to be expelled. The last of the "specialists" dropped back several paces, muttering in alarm. Holly cast a skeptical glance up at Artemis, who simply nodded and closed his fingers around hers.
"He's fine," the human mouthed. Holly sighed in relief and turned her gaze ahead once more, not letting go of his hand.
-x-
"You're alive!" cheered Foaly as the team filed into the boiler room. "Hey Fowl, may the fours be -"
Artemis didn't even wait for him to finish the greeting. "Goodbye, Foaly."
"Well, there's gratitude. You know I only left my vacation because I thought you were dead again."
"And it was much appreciated," Artemis responded. Hand still entangled in Holly's, he pulled her across the room to his computer, using his other hand to tap at the screen rapidly. "There, I bought you a new one. Same place, next weekend. Happy?"
Foaly frowned. "How did you know where - no, nevermind. I'm going now. This is me leaving." And with a final, indignant swish of his tail, he trotted from the room.
"Well, that was showy," commented Holly.
Artemis turned away from the computer. "I arranged it on the shuttle," he admitted. "All that was left to do was forward the confirmation email to him."
"So that's what you needed my phone for?"
"Not quite."
She waited, but Artemis still wasn't ready to explain.
-x-
Ten minutes later, Caltrop had initiated the automatic form sequence. LEPfoul's three interns had all officially been un-fired in light of their job performance under crisis. Without the boilers thrumming in the background, their office space was eerily quiet.
Holly had given the shock blanket to Dodo, who had snuggled into it and perched on the edge of the desk that housed the intern terminal. Two feet away, Sass had turned the accompanying chair upside-down and managed to balance upon it in a four-legged acrobatic feat. Mulch had not left yet, either, having flopped in the middle of the floor and neglected to stand back up. Caltrop had migrated towards the place where the boilers used to be, leaning against the wall - it was slightly warmer than the rest of the room, and his gill tanks bubbled happily. In the corner of the room, Artemis stood behind his desk chair, watching as the first of many forms began to fly through the program he had built. Occasionally he prompted Holly to tap the occasional key in order to speed the processing of difficult data. The elf had perched on the armrest of the human's chair. With one hand she adjusted the data input, while her other arm dangled over the side of the chair. She was reaching backwards just a little to meet him halfway, her fingers still clasped against his.
There was a lot of difficult data after this mission, and relatively little of it fit within the checkboxes and form lines of official LEP reports.
Finally, Caltrop spoke.
"So - um - Demia Carter's gone?"
"Yes."
"And our systems won't work because of the boilers, but we can't keep the boilers like this forever?"
"Yes."
"And Sass isn't fired any more?"
"No."
"And Dodo's not fired any more?"
"...No, she's not."
"And I'm not fired any more either?"
"For the last time, Chlorella, no!"
"Okay. But we're - like, us, as a team - we're okay, right? Like, we're gonna keep doing this kind of thing? I mean, somebody died this time and, well, I don't know about you guys but that's a lot more than I usually deal with because I may be an anarchist and a hacker but I -"
"Caltrop," hissed Sass in a rare instance of tact.
"I thought you were kidding about the trolls," finished the water sprite, somewhat lamely.
The room fell silent again. Finally, Mulch stretched and sat up from his position on the floor, cracking his back a little as he did so.
"I hate to ask at a time like this, but Shrimp's got a point. What are we going to do now?"
Artemis's computer beeped once with an incoming message, but he did not need to look at it to know what information it contained. The human took one deep breath, and tried to smile for the sake of his staff. This is going to be a tricky one.
"Don't worry. I've got a plan."
-x-
(End of Season One)
-x-
Author's Note:
We're so sorry. So. Very. Sorry. We know how much you all loved Lucia.
On a more serious note, you didn't actually think we'd wait another month before posting the finale to the season (and conclusion to the cliffhanger), did you? We are planning to take a bit of a break before Season Two to tie up a couple of other projects we've got on the go. With any luck, those will pop up on this account fairly soon.
Thank you so much for reading and for staying with us - the response to this fic so far has absolutely blown us away! See you in Season Two!
-Winged and Freud