Gardening and other Disasters
Somebody somewhere heard about the prepper movement and with that an entirely new disaster arrived. Nobody could have predicted what would have happened except of course the Crystal Gems who dealt with weird on a regular basis.
Since the Crystal Gems knew that the world could possibly be coming to an end or at the very least be serious damaged they decided on looking up information on growing their own food. They found a local gardening store and decided to try their hand at gardening vegetables. Since most of the gems were busy working on the drill the task of raising the veggies fell to Steven.
The boy when the time was right planted the seeds and grew them indoors in small pots. Until April the plants were too small to notice any difference. Peridot might have seen the seed sprouts follow her movements but not having time to study Earth biology thought nothing of it.
When the chance of frost disappeared Steven planted his seedlings outside. He planted a wide range of vegetables from potatoes to carrots and onions. He had a little herb garden and managed to convince Pearl to plant some strawberry plants and watermelon plants when it was warm enough. That should have been the first clue. Steven watered and tended his little garden faithfully and the plants being happy saw no reason to move.
One day when it was very hot Peridot took the garden hose and sprayed herself to cool off. She saw a rabbit nibble at a tomato plant when she noticed the plant move. A harsh call from Garnet sent her back to work if she had stayed longer the technician would have seen the plant swat the rabbit.
Steven was amazed at how well his garden was doing. No insect damage, no crops eaten by deer or rabbits. The boy thought it might be due to Duke the dog that Uncle George gave him and thought nothing of it.
It all came to a head on a warm June afternoon. Amethyst though nobody would admit was a greedy gem. Despite the financial situation the gems were in Amethyst still ate. So much so that Pearl had to buy a lot more food than was needed for a growing boy like Steven. So when she sauntered into Steven's garden and saw the big juicy strawberries of course she was going to eat them. The plants had other plans. As soon as the purple gem reached out for a strawberry the plant reared back and slapped her full on the face.
"What? Bring it strawberry," cried Amethyst as she pulled out her whip.
The strawberry plant roared out an inhuman cry of distress. It grew in size so did the other plants responding to its call. The purple gem started whipping the strawberry plant as the other vegetables crept up. Amethyst turned to face her enemies. It was quiet the little army. The cucumber whipped their vines at her. The squash hit Amethyst over and over again with their hard fruit. Then the melons went in for the kill. The vines wrapped up Amethyst immobilizing her. Then the really disturbing thing happened. The watermelons ran towards her.
"What the melons look like robinoids, Peridot I'm going to kill you," shouted Amethyst.
Great, now the others appeared. The Crystal gems stared open mouthed at the scene before them. They pulled out their weapons. They were about to charge when Steven stopped them.
"Stop this didn't work the last time and I wanted to eat my veggies," cried Steven.
"Then what do we do?" wailed Pearl.
Peridot shook her head, "Enough of this. Garden cease and desist your assault on Amethyst, now."
The plants let go. The gems stared in awe as the little technician made the veggies fall into line. Peridot barked an order and the plants headed straight to their beds.
Pearl looked down at Steven, "Steven did you 'water' your plants?"
"Sometimes it is nice to pee outside," admitted Steven.
Amethyst glared at Peridot, "You seem pretty calm about this weird plant activity."
"No, no Amethyst this isn't weird at all. Connie's garden is mobile too," laughed Peridot.
"Oh Goddess, I'm calling the Maheswarans," said Garnet in a wavering voice.
Priyanka was drinking a cup of coffee as she watched her daughter play in her garden.
The phone rang beside her, "Hello Garnet, where's Connie? She's out gardening. Why are you so upset? Yes, Steven did help her plant them. See anything unusual? No why do you ask?"
Connie's mother's eyes widened when she heard the news. She dropped the coffee cup and raced straight out.
There was her daughter tying her plants to some stakes as the plants struggled feebly.
"And no more changing the radio saplings. You are going to listen to the classical music station and you are going to like it," scolded Connie.
It was like looking in a mirror. Is this what Connie thought was parenting?
"Connie stop tormenting your vegetables," said Priyanka.
Peridot's Dog
Uncle George's heart was in the right place unfortunately that couldn't be said about his head. So one spring day after a particularly disastrous mission the gems were nursing their hurts when they heard George's pickup truck backfire. Garnet growled as the gems went to greet George.
Pearl sighed, "While it is good to see you. We don't have the time to act as hosts."
"Oh, I'm not staying long. Look Greg told me about how you giving Steven some more responsibilities so I decided to help," with a flourish George open the other side of his pickup truck.
Out came a very hairy and very old dog. It had brown smelly fur, it was about the size of a Labrador retriever and it moved stiffly. The thing looked very sad.
"Ta da this is Duke. His owner just died and he needs someone to take care of him. Steven are you ready to take this responsibility?" smiled George.
Steven hemmed and hawed.
"Great! I'll go get Duke's things," George piled on Duke's luggage into Steven's arms. "Here's his leash, blankie, some food, ball and of course his meds."
"George, that dog is on more meds than your mother," said an outraged Garnet. "if you think that Steven is going to feed that dog pills you've got another thing coming."
"Oh don't worry most of these are suppositories. I'll be going bye," George drove off.
Peridot looked at the dog and started poking him, "So this is a duke? Are there any more on this planet?"
Steven smiled. Peridot was still naïve, "No Duke is his name. What you have here is a dog."
"And what is the function of this 'dog'?"
"Well a dog is mainly used as companionship sometimes they act as guards."
"They're useless," said Amethyst.
"Do these dogs talk?" asked an intrigued Peridot.
"No, no they're animals they can't talk," laughed Steven.
"So what you have here is a guard and companion that will keep your secrets? That is sounds way better than a military escort. I'm liking this dog already," laughed Peridot.
Duke missed old man Sawyer his pack leader. He missed the garage and he missed his junk yard where he patrolled. He felt useful. The new pack smelt funny Duke didn't know what they were thinking but he knew what they felt. They had placed his bed in the kitchen a strange place that Sawyer never used. Every time they let Duke out it was with rolling eyes. The boy thing sighed when it was time to feed him or to let him go to out to pee. Duke may be a dog but he could sense resentment. There was only place he liked the barn and that was because it reminded him of home.
Peridot was in the barn working on a solar collector when she felt a presence. Thinking it was Amethyst because of the smell she did not turn around.
"Can you had me that torque affixer over there?" the green gem asked.
The torque affixer fell into her hand a little wet. Peridot slowly turned around. There was the Duke wagging its rear appendage. This dog was more useful than Jasper. She hugged it.
"Good, Duke," she said softly.
Duke had found his leader. The pointy one though not like the old man had the same oversmell, that of oil and ozone. The Peridot also needed him like Sawyer did doing the same things on strange looking cars. For the next several hours Duke stayed in the barn until the hunger got him.
Peridot was putting the last touches on the drill fuselage when she felt a wet pointy thing nudge her posterior facing. She decided to ignore it. The pointy appendage nudged her again. The Duke looked up in expectation.
"You can go outside to do the pee. The barn door's open," said the technician.
The dog looked up with the same look of expectation.
"It is time to refuel already? Well you eat less than Amethyst or Steven. Let's get your meal then," said Peridot as she waved for Duke to follow her.
Steven was eating the meal he had prepared when Peridot came in with Duke. He groaned was it time to feed Duke again? He sighed as he got up only to be waved down by Peridot.
"I'll feed him this time. Steven you just eat your spaghetti," said the green gem.
"It's also time to give Duke his meds too," warned Steven. "Watch it he bites."
"Then you don't know how to deliver his meds," said Peridot smugly.
After Steven showed her the dog's food and meds Peridot wet the food, made mush balls and hid the pills inside. The boy watched as Duke ate his food greedily. The dog seemed to have got his appetite back. When the dog was done Peridot got ready to leave. Duke grasped his bowl and left. It seemed that Duke was now Peridot's dog now.
From now on mealtimes were actually fun. The Peridot would sit in the garden, roll the food into balls and toss them to Duke all the while talking.
"Do you know how many obscenity laws Garnet is breaking right now? Yet when I say I'm uncomfortable I get tied to the fence," said Peridot.
The little gem tossed another bite of food, "Garnet's good at predicting the immediate future but does little to prevent long distance threats. Do you know what I would do if I was in charge of raising Steven? I'd put up stair rails to the bed."
They would continue this routine for many weeks. Peridot talking and Duke and the garden listening. The dog liked this. It reminded him of the times when the old man would kick back and have a brewsky.
When Garnet wasn't breathing down her neck. Peridot did extensive research on the care and maintenance of canines. They seemed like a lot of trouble but there must be something about them if humans liked them so much. Slowly but surely she moved Duke's things back into the barn. Peridot soon realized Duke's usefulness soon enough.
It was early summer and Duke was on patrol of the farm. He saw the cubed headed pack leader march straight into the barn. Her posture more than anything showed her bad intent. As fast as his bad legs allowed him Duke raced to the barn. It was as he expected the cube head held the Peridot by the front of her overall. The bad leader was shouting and shaking the little mechanic. This was a holdup again. Duke knew exactly what to do. He growled threateningly and when that didn't work he barked as loud as he could. The other members of the house pack rushed in scolding their leader.
"Good Duke," said Peridot shakily.
From then on Duke never left Peridot's side. He followed her to the garden. He followed her into the farmhouse he even followed on missions when he could. Once the boy came into the barn in the middle of the night smelling like Sawyer did when Mabel came to visit. What was going on? He did not even bother to clean the house like Mabel did. When he started kissing the Peridot, Duke barked in confusion. Garnet and the others rushed into the barn the Steven backed off smelling of embarrassment.
"Good dog," said Garnet.
Duke howled knowing he had done wrong.
He could feel himself failing. Over the weeks the dog was losing his strength very quickly, he felt cold all the time even though it was summer. His time was coming to an end. Duke tried to do his duties as best as he could. While he no longer had the strength to do patrols he stayed by Peridot's side. Now the mechanic stayed in the barn all the time, the boy came to visit too this time to see him. Soon the others except for cube head came to visit him too. Calling him a good dog as tears dripped from their eyes. Well how could he be a good dog when he was no longer useful? On his last night while the pointy one was sleeping Duke limped out to door and lay down. He would protect the Peridot no matter what.
They found Duke's body in the morning just outside the barn doors as if guarding it. Steven, Pearl and Amethyst cried looking down at the body. Peridot simply ran back into the barn, came out with a shovel and started digging like a maniac.
"Peridot, what are you doing. Stop," cried Steven.
"Duke died guarding this barn and me. I'm helping him complete his mission," Steven could see the tears in Peridot's eyes.
Steven held Peridot as the other gems buried Duke in front of the barn. They placed his blanket and favorite toy with him in the hole. Garnet looked on impassively.
"I don't why I'm crying Duke was an old useless thing," sobbed Peridot.
"Maybe because Duke was a friend?" suggested Steven.
From now on Peridot would have her own room at the farmhouse. Steven made sure of that.
Driving Lessons
For once Pearl had to admit Amethyst had the right idea. When Garnet broke the replicator enraging all 3 gems, Amethyst dropped Pearl and Peridot off at the beach house and took Steven on an impromptu driving lesson on the country back roads. Even isolated as they were Amethyst and Steven were caught and jailed for dangerous driving and driving without a license. When Pearl came to pick them up she was surprisingly easy on them.
"You had the right idea Amethyst but you need to get the proper paperwork" said Pearl patronizingly.
"I dunno I thought if we just drove around the barn we should be fine," said Amethyst. "And what was this about my adventure being mild compared to yours?"
"I beat up Connie with a frying pan," admitted Peridot.
Steven stared at the gem in shock.
Pearl quickly came to Peridot's defense, "Connie had it coming. She spread lies around town about Peridot, threw her to the leeches and even dislocated her shoulder."
Steven was strangely silent and cold to Peridot. When she tried to speak to him Steven shrugged her off. Pearl noticing this took Steven aside.
"Steven I noticed you being very cold to Peridot," observed Pearl.
"That gem hurt my Connie. I'm wondering if there was any good in her at all."
"That gem had plenty of provocation. Steven you may not want to hear this but given enough provocation and under the right circumstances even the best people can be driven to hurt or kill. Believe me I know," said Pearl darkly.
Carol Schmitt hated her job at the Beach City DMV. She would be happy if it were boring but it wasn't. Beach City was a nuthouse, monsters roamed loose and weirdos were everywhere. Last week she dealt with a man who spoke some weird language and a huge woman with 3 eyes. Then something like a giant chicken ran through the building, wreaking havoc and the woman with the 3 eyes wrung its neck. Carol didn't know who did more damage the monster or the chicken. So when a pale woman with a cyst on her head brought a 12-year-old Carol was having none of it.
"Hello I'd like to sign my foster son for a Driver's Ed course," said the woman.
"Lady, we don't do that here and even if we did there is no way I'm letting your son get behind a wheel," said Carol.
"I'm older than I look," piped up the boy.
"Look even if you do get a Driver's Ed course, you still have to show me his birth certificate and ID," answered Carol.
Pearl sighed, "Come Steven let's see if your father can find someone to teach us."
When they went to Greg's the aging rocker sighed, "Pearl you should have just taken the literature provided at the DMV about traffic laws. Steven looking the way he does there's no way anybody will accept him in Driver's school."
"Er yes, but for him to write the test would be equally unbelievable. After all he may be over 18 but that doesn't mean anybody will believe it," said Pearl sadly.
"Is this the chicken and the egg thing I can't be treated like an adult unless I look like one? Unbelievable," said a frustrated Steven.
The next day at the DMV a raunchy purple woman came in picking her nose.
"Yeah I'd like to get some book and junk on traffic laws and such," said Amethyst.
"So you'd like to take the written test and get a license to drive?" asked Carol.
"I need a license to drive?!"
When Amethyst got back home Steven immediately poured over the textbooks provided at the purple gem's insistence Steven read out loud the contents of the books.
"So you are supposed to stop at a red light? Good to know," mused Amethyst.
Studying was no longer anything new to Steven so the driving instructions books were just a little extra to do. Pearl also insisted that they practice on the back roads again making sure that Steven drove during the quietest parts of the day. When Steven finally passed the pop quiz that Pearl gave him, they went back to the DMV.
Carol looked at the two weirdos come marching right up to her desk. It was that weird woman again and her kid who looked like a hamster. The woman with a smug smile pulled out what must have been the boy's birth certificate and papers.
"Yes we'd like to do the written test for the learner's permit," said the pale birdlike woman smugly.
"Lady there is no way I'm going to let that kid get a learner's permit when he can't even reach the pedals," said Carol vehemently.
"But you gotta let us try. Besides I've got something that will help," the boy put a couple of paint cans on his feet.
"His papers are all in order," countered the skinny weirdo.
"Those are obviously forgeries. Don't tell me that boy is 20," snapped back Carol.
"Yes I am, it's a genetic condition I got from my mother," said Hamster boy.
"A Rose Quartz, general of the great gem war. Is this a joke?" said Carol skeptically.
Pearl had enough, "Now listen here you-"
"Security, we have a potential situation here," called out Carol.
Doug Maheswaran walked up to them. He looked at the stripper gem in contempt. Pearl looked at him in contempt. Pearl walked away with Steven in her wake. When she got into the car she turned to Steven.
"What a loser that Doug is," griped Pearl.
Peridot was working on the interior of the drill when she heard the car come back. Dropping everything she went out to see what was going on.
"Is the driving test over already?" asked Peridot.
Steven got out of the car with a glum look on his face, "No we never even got a chance to write it. The DMV clerk laughed us off.
"Next time we'll make sure we get a local," stated Pearl.
"Aww and I was hoping on going on a road trip," whined Steven.
Peridot giggled, "Road trip, road trip? Why didn't you say? Steven come after dinner to the barn."
When Steven went into the barn in the evening after supper, he found a much neater and cleaner looking Peridot. The girl had also made up her hair. When she saw Steven her face lit up. When she saw Amethyst her face fell.
"Yeah, I'm here to make sure you don't fly Steven to the moon," said Amethyst carelessly.
Now Peridot knew how Connie felt, "Yeah well here's my escape pod all made up and ready to go. I'll sit down first, Steven you'll be sitting on my lap. Amethyst there's a back seat there."
When they finally were in position Amethyst turned to Peridot," You only have one front seat and a spacious back seat. What were you thinking?"
Peridot blushed, "I bought it when I was dating Lapis Lazuli. Okay Steven here are the controls. Don't touch those they're the weapons system. Okay now I'll just let the pod out of the barn."
Amethyst tapped a panel, "What does this button do?"
A mirror ball appeared and soft romantic music filled the cabin. Peridot sweated and turned off the display.
"Like I said I was dating Lapis. Okay now Steven lets obey this planet's traffic laws. Now we're coming to a main through fare we can speed up. The speedometer is in Gemmish so we'll just have to do this by eye."
Kevin was on his first highway patrol when he saw the spaceship riding down the highway plain as you please. The thing was round with 6 appendages trailing after it and glowed green. Kevin turned on his lights and raced after the vehicle. After a quick chase the thing stopped at the shoulder of the road. Trying to look cool he knocked on the cabin window. Hey there were 3 kids in that pod. The one sitting on the alien kid's lap looked human the others not so much.
The green girl spoke, "Is there something the matter, soldier er I mean officer?"
It took all of his will to speak normally, "License and registration please?"
The green thing pulled out some cards from its hair. The 'cards' were written in strange hieroglyphics and seemed to be made of light. The purple girl in the back laughed raucously.
"Is this some sort of joke? C'mon the guys at work must have put this up. Where's the camera?" sputtered Kevin.
"No joke, I am Peridot Facet 2F5L Cut5XG and I was hoping to take Steven on a romantic road trip."
"Ye-ah you need to get that vehicle registered before you can use our roads."
The little alien thanked him and drove off. When Kevin got back to the patrol car he hit his head against the dashboard over and over again. He had just made contact with an alien and he asked for a license and registration? What was he thinking?
Carol was minding her own business when a little green girl marched up to her desk. The human's jaw dropped when she saw what was clearly an alien.
"Hello I'd like to register my escape pod," said Peridot as she motioned to her spaceship outside.
Carol packed up and left Beach City the next day.