EPISODE 2.04: Do You Hear The Interns Sing?
LEPfoul gets bored. The ensuing chaos involves treason, confetti cannons, and multiple table flips.
—X—
3am
It was the smash of breaking dishes that simultaneously woke both Holly and Artemis early that morning. They met in the hall. "D'arvit," whispered Holly, lowering the bat just enough to demonstrate that she wasn't going to hit him. "Usually that sound is you."
Artemis raised his newest laser pointer. "Sorry for not breaking things. Shall we?"
They crept down the hall, Holly in the lead as the one with the better response time. She paused upon reaching the doorway into the kitchen, checking once to be sure that Artemis was still at her side. "On the count of three?" she asked.
He nodded and lifted a hand, counting down with his fingers. Three, two, one. Artemis closed his fist and both sprang through the doorway with their weapons brandished.
Unimpressed, Mulch took another sip of his water. "You two are heavy sleepers. I was wondering what it would take to get your attention."
This time, Holly did not bother lowering her bat. "Mulch. What are you doing here at this hour?"
The dwarf grinned cheerfully and gestured to the broken dishes that littered the floor. "Somebody's done something with your dishwasher. I can't get it open anymore."
"Get. Out."
Mulch was insulted. "Hey, after all I've done for you? I was even gonna clean up after myself."
Artemis sagged against the door. "Mulch. Leave. Now."
"Can I at least sleep on the couch? You're not using it anymore —"
"OUT."
—X—
6am
"One of these days, I'll make a friend who understands the meaning of boundaries and personal space," commented Holly.
She and Artemis were staring in dismay at the snoring lump on their couch. While not entirely surprised by this turn of events, this had not been expected either. After all, they had physically locked the door behind Mulch after shooing him from their apartment three hours earlier. Artemis had even used the laser pointer to fuse the lock shut behind him.
"So he's actually not coming in through the front door," said Artemis. "Odd, I thought that would be exactly like his sense of humour."
"And we've already ruled out the vent in the bathroom, as well as every single window. What's next on the list?"
Artemis glanced down at Mulch once more. "Fantastic. He might be coming in through the plumbing system."
Holly blanched. "It also raises the question of how we're going to get out of here to retrieve our intern from an - I am quoting this directly - commuting catastrophe."
"I'll go melt the hinges off the front door," said Artemis with a resigned sigh, slipping the laser pointer once more from his pocket.
—X—
7am
Whatever commuting catastrophe the intern had found herself in the midst of was still unclear when Holly and Artemis came across the first signs of the repercussions. Vehicles sat bumper-to-bumper in stand-still traffic as pedestrians crowded the sidewalks. Horns were blaring, commuters were complaining, and an abundance of swear toads were doing what swear toads do best. Of course, it was always open for debate over exactly what it was swear toads did best: uttering profanities or making new swear toads. This question was not made any easier by the fact that often, both would occur at the same time.
Artemis raised an eyebrow as they passed yet another pair of amphibians. "Honestly, I don't understand why these are still a problem after so many years. Why are they still here?"
Holly glanced back at the toad. "You get used to it. Like interns."
"Interns that swear less," Artemis noted.
"Interns, only more committed," Holly added.
"Interns, only less likely to get into trouble on the daily commute."
That was when they turned the corner. An accident involving a potato delivery truck and three bicycle messengers had blocked the roadway completely. In the middle of the chaos was their intern.
Over the past week, LEPfoul had been treated to an influx of new staff. While before, their department had been assigned a new intern roughly twice a week — only for the unfortunate fairy to quit before noon more often than not — their numbers had recently begun rising each day. Yesterday, five new interns had been found wandering through the advertising agency midway through the morning. It was as a direct result of this that they now knew that the centaur in charge of the agency was named Terrell, he had been running that agency for only two years, and he was apparently not a fan of babysitting.
All the interns save one had quit on the spot. The remaining intern, a petite sprite with a high voice, had introduced herself as Cosette when Caltrop had asked. Apparently he had realized that she'd stayed past noon, and so was likely to be a permanent addition to their staff roster.
Now Cosette was attempting to mediate the traffic dispute, and failing rather miserably. She turned in desperation, caught sight of her superiors, and swore.
Holly cracked up, and Artemis looked pointedly at the nearest swear toad. The intern paled but pushed through the crowd.
"You really do need help," Holly observed, although she couldn't quite contain a smirk.
"Don't bother," Cosette squeaked, resolute. "I quit."
—X—
8am
"I quit," declared Dodo loudly.
The entire room stilled. Caltrop, hovering over the coffee machine as Icky powered it up, glubbed loudly. Sass started to snicker. The elf hovering beside Dodo's former desk twisted her hair in her hands and mumbled something nobody could quite make out.
When Dodo merely folded her arms and glared across the room, Caltrop swallowed hard and started choking. "You aren't quitting," Sass said, trotting towards Caltrop to help him fix his tubes. "You told me you don't quit anything."
"Yet I have never had a job where I have been treated with such disrespect," Dodo said calmly. "That is my desk, blatantly stolen and reassigned despite my superiority in this office."
The elf turned bright red and mumbled something else.
"No, dear, I'm not mad at you," Dodo reassured. "You two, though—!"
Sass didn't respond, already bending over Caltrop as she adjusted the alignment of his breathing tube. "Hey dudes," called Icky as he slid past the door. "Incoming!"
Eight interns rounded the corner, chattering loudly with each other. The desk terminal closest to the door chose that moment to explode, sending pieces of shrapnel flying across the room. Icky shot a pellet towards the mess and the desk disappeared in a mound of foam and steam. Several interns screamed, one fainted, and Caltrop's tube clogged again. By the time all the chaos had been sorted out, Dodo was gone.
"But she'll be back, right?" Caltrop asked nervously, scanning the room. "And does anyone see Cosette?"
Sass rolled her eyes. "Oh cute, you've got a crush. Now help me scare these interns away. It'll reduce the sting of unrequited love."
"Why are we getting so many interns, anyway?" Caltrop asked as he followed her across the room. "It's gotta be a computing error, right?"
—X—
9am
It was a computing error, if computer was synonymous with Foaly, and error meant completely on purpose. After all, LEPfoul had stolen his AI — and to add insult to injury, Icky had confessed to Foaly that he much preferred his new home.
The centaur cracked his knuckles and leaned back in his chair, satisfied with a good morning's work. Not only had he sent them eight interns today, he had also already prepared the paperwork requesting the transfer of thirteen new interns to the LEPfoul offices the following day. Now, it was time to see how the current batch was doing.
When the video call picked up, he was subjected to utter chaos. One of the desks was buried in fire retardant foam, which seemed to be wiggling. Another desk had been overturned, its contents strewn across the floor. Two interns crawled past the camera, whispering anxiously with each other until they disappeared from view. An instant later, he heard two screams before they appeared again, this time running for their lives in the opposite direction. Sass trotted after them and screeched. This sound was echoed by the yellow blur circling above them all. The blur darted down, somebody cried out, and Caltrop appeared in the mess to pull the hapless intern to safety. "Come with me if you - glub - want to live!" he shouted before diving again into the fray.
"Uh, hello?" Foaly said, slightly subdued. He hadn't actually meant to kill anybody, and that intern in the corner certainly wasn't moving. Foaly crossed his fingers that the gnome was simply asleep.
An elf popped out of the foam, brushing white fluff from her hair as she leapt over another intern on her way towards the camera. She mumbled something in greeting, but Foaly couldn't quite make out what she said. "Er, is Holly there?"
The elf brightened momentarily, glanced around the room, and then shook her head sadly.
"Right. How about Fowl?"
She shook her head again and said something unintelligible. Foaly frowned, nodded in pretence of understanding what she'd just said, and continued, "What about — hang on, is that Mulch?"
It was indeed Mulch. The dwarf had chosen this morning to show up at the Foul Team offices and, unfazed by the carnage around him, had proceeded straight towards the kitchen area.
"Oh my Frond," said Foaly. "He's literally eating the fridge."
As if he'd heard Foaly through the noise of the interns, Mulch turned around. He was currently chewing on the handle of the fridge, which had broken off at some point earlier that morning. He saw Foaly's face on the screen and waved it happily. Foaly noted that half of it was already gone.
"You know what," the centaur decided, "I think I'll call back later."
The elf nodded helpfully and mumbled something again.
"What? Um, just let Holly or Artemis know I called. There's a piece of tech ready to be picked up. You got that?"
He waited until the elf nodded again. Then, doing his best to ignore the sudden guilt, Foaly hung up the call.
—X—
10am
When Holly and Artemis finally arrived at the office, they were greeted by a scene that could have been lifted from a nightmare. Interns were screaming as they dashed from one end of the office to the other, and multiple bird screeches rang out in the small space. Icky had been caught in a loop on his track, running back and forth in tight circles and unloading foam pellets on anything that moved. Despite this, various surfaces had still managed to catch fire. Perhaps most disturbing of all, the fridge was oozing an unnerving green sludge upon the carpet.
"We've seen worse," said Holly. She sounded uncertain.
"Yes," agreed Artemis. "It had eight tentacles." This was nowhere near as reassuring as intended.
One intern leapt towards the window as though hoping to smash through to safety. Unfortunately for him, the glass that lined the wall of the office was reinforced with a flexible sheet of interwoven synthetic fibres. The material had originally been designed to improve the durability of mechanical wings; once the production process had become sufficiently inexpensive, it had found a myriad of uses. Ironically, Foaly would never know that he had patented the very matrix that had saved that poor intern from a plummet to the streets below. Instead of smashing through the glass, the gnome bounced off the window with limbs splayed and blue sparks coalescing around a broken nose.
Artemis cringed in sympathy. Holly drew two fingers to her lips and whistled.
Nobody noticed, save for a small elf with a disarmingly familiar haircut. She lifted her head, emerging cautiously from beneath an overturned desk. The moment she saw Holly, her face lit up. She dashed forward, dodging around various obstacles before skidding to a halt in front of Holly and mumbling rapidly. The only thing that Holly could decipher of her muted monologue was a sudden, shrill exclamation: "AndyouaretotallyHollyShooort!"
That was the moment Artemis realized both elves had the exact same haircut. And he was willing to bet that Holly had gotten hers first.
Evidently, Holly had noticed the same thing. She watched the younger elf with an expression caught between alarm and distrust before stepping back hurriedly. "Artemis," Holly snapped, "This is your mess. Clean it up before I'm back." And she disappeared out the door.
The younger elf deflated. Artemis stared at the swinging door in dismay before turning back to her. "It isn't my mess," he stated.
The elf scratched the back of her neck, mumbled something, and shrugged. Artemis thought he caught Foaly's name and tried to reply, "Yes, I'll be having a talk with him. This has gone far enough." He took one step towards his desk and stopped in his tracks as a nearly collided with him. "In person," he decided. "This is a talk that would go much better in person." And, with that decided, he fled the room as well.
—X—
11am
It was precisely on the hour when the sharp blast of a foghorn cut through the chaos of the Foul Team offices. As though a switch had been flicked, everyone and everything froze.
"Oh th-thank Frond," whispered Caltrop from his position behind Artemis's desk. Warily, he poked his head around the side in the hopes to get a clear view of their saviour.
Instead, all he saw were four equine legs. "Sass?" he asked in surprise, only to realize that the colouring of this centaur was much darker than the LEPfoul intern. Caltrop stood up.
"You!" shouted the new centaur, pointing an accusatory finger in the water sprite's direction. "What is the meaning of this nonsense? Don't you realize there are fairies trying to work in this building?"
"M-m-me?" Caltrop glubbed, raising a hand to his chest.
"You're the only one I recognize in this mess," the centaur grunted. "Get this cleaned up. You're dripping coolant on our offices."
Now Caltrop remembered where he recognized the centaur from. This was Terrell, the head of the marketing agency one floor below. Usually, the centaur would send one of his employees to complain to LEPfoul about the noise; Terrell must have been especially incensed to take it upon himself to make the trip for the second day in a row.
That was when Sass chose to make herself known. "We don't have to listen to you," she said, trotting out from behind a large potted fern that Dodo had brought in nearly a week previous to spruce the place up.
Terrell puffed up, offended. "I'll complain to the building manager."
"And I'll tell him about your habit of borrowing office supplies from other companies."
"'Borrow' being the operative word here."
It is unclear how far the argument would have gone had Icky not chosen to swing by on his track just then. "To borrow," he said self-importantly, drawing dangerously near, "Implies an intent to return the - oops."
It seemed that the AI's looping track was not the only malfunction - if Icky's later claims that it was a malfunction were to be believed. No sooner did he pass over Terrell than a pellet of fire-retardant coolant dropped from the AI's stores. It exploded over the centaur's head, coating him in the cold, rapidly expanding foam.
Across the office, Mulch stuck his head out from the fridge, grimaced at the mess, and disappeared again.
"That's it!" bellowed Terrell, surging forward. Loose clumps of foam floated aimlessly into the air, while the main heap of it retained a perfect impression of a centaur's hindquarters.
"Whoa there!" Sass yelped, leaping to block Terrell's path as Icky followed the track towards the back of the office.
"Out of my way! That infernal machine is getting disabled!"
"Y-you can't disable Icky!" Caltrop protested, scrambling boldly to Sass's side.
"Can too!" Terrell roared. "Let me through!"
From the rear of the office, two other interns shouted, "Not a chance!"
If Caltrop had looked closer, he would have been mildly horrified to recognize these two as Shyrill and Ambryn, two pixies who had quit the LEPfoul internship several months before - and apparently, had been reassigned here again. As it was, he was engrossed in the unfolding drama between the two centaurs.
Terrell feinted to the left before diving towards Sass's right in an attempt to get past. Not to be outdone, she bent down and hooked her hands beneath the surface of the nearest desk, flipping it onto its side. Office supplies flew everywhere and Terrell skidded to a halt, his hooves sliding on the shiny linoleum floor. He finally managed to come to a halt inches from the tipped desk, where he jabbed a finger into Sass's face. "This is not over," he declared.
She narrowed her eyes. "Bring it on."
They continued to glare at each other until Caltrop coughed uncertainly. Then, with an exaggerated huff, Terrell stormed from the room, muttering angrily under his breath. Sass waved brightly as he retreated.
"M-maybe we should clean up before he - glub - gets back?" Caltrop suggested.
Sass turned to him in disbelief. "Are you kidding? That would be admitting defeat. No, there's only one course of action here." She brushed past him impatiently and braced her hands beneath the surface of the next desk.
"And that is?" Caltrop asked, even though he was certain he did not actually want to know.
Sass brought her hands up, sending the desk crashing on its side. Artemis's paper files swirled through the air. "It's obvious," she said, eyes glistening in anticipation. "It's time to build a barricade. If he wants to get back inside our offices, he's going to have to work for it."
—X—
12pm
Holly had been at the shooting range for precisely an hour when Artemis showed up. It was a safe enough bet that she would be there, and he hadn't actually needed an entire hour to determine that. He'd simply decided that it would be best to let her spend some time shooting targets, to work off any stress over the encounter with their new intern, before he approached.
"Then I guess it's time to head back up to the office," Holly said, laying down her neutrino on the counter.
Artemis frowned. "That might not be a good idea."
"What? Why not?"
"The interns are building a barricade," he said, waving a dismissive hand.
"What?"
"They're building a barricade," he repeated. When Holly's face did not waver, he hurriedly added an explanation. "You know full well that they're getting bored with having to remain under the radar. Ever since Christmas, our systems are compromised just enough that I don't feel comfortable trusting them. Whoever did this, they targeted me specifically, so I won't risk playing into their hands any further than strictly necessary. So, until Foaly actually responds to our requisitions request and provides us a boost to our firewalls, we can't risk drawing attention to ourselves."
The elf picked up her gun once more, returning her attention to the firing range. She did not look up until the rest of her clip was empty. "I know all that. Get to the point."
"The point is, the interns have got nothing to do. Their discontent has been building for the last week, and I expect Dodo's absence this morning was the last straw. I suggest we find somewhere else to spend our afternoon."
"Shouldn't we warn Mulch?"
They exchanged a glance.
"He did crash on my couch last night."
"He brought this on himself."
—X—
1pm
By the time Terrell returned with reinforcements, the interns had built a proper barricade. All the desks had been tipped onto their sides and propped up before the entrance to the office. Chairs, cabinets, and a large inflatable strawberry had been added to the makeshift wall to strengthen it. The interns - or, those that had not yet fled the office in terror - had taken up strategic positions behind their barricade, armed with broom handles and various office supplies. Caltrop had equipped himself with a stash of foam pellets. Sass had somehow managed to assemble a flag out of an old tarp, which she waved over her head while calling encouragements to her fellow revolutionaries.
"I haven't seen Cosette all day," Caltrop was saying to the quiet, mumbly elf beside him when a rumble started from down the hall. The interns collectively went silent, peering through the gaps in the barricade in anticipation. The rumble grew louder.
A hovertray floated in view of the office doorway. It was loaded with a huge set of speakers which hummed menacingly. "I don't get it," said Caltrop, starting to rise so he could see the hovertray properly over the top of the barricade. "Is that -?"
Several things happened in rapid succession.
First, a hidden switch turned on the music system attached to the speakers, flooding the entire floor with appallingly bad human pop music. Interns all along the line of defence cried out at the unexpected noise, dropping their weapons in their haste to cover their ears.
Second, a gnome popped up from his hiding place on the tray behind the speakers. With a triumphant shout, he levelled a long silver tube at the barricade and pulled the trigger. "Down!" shouted Sass, tackling Caltrop just before a cascade of metallic paper exploded from the end of the confetti cannon.
Third came the war chants of the attackers, barely audible below the bass of the human pop music. The interns barely had time to retrieve their weapons before Terrell and his army of marketers stormed the barricade.
A loud screech filled the air as the canary dove towards the attackers, who scattered before her fearsome claws. It gave the interns the time they needed to regain their wits; by the time Terrell was able to call his army to order once more, the barricade was bristling with weapons.
"For Foul Team!" shouted Sass, waving the flag over her head with one hand while jabbing through the barricade with a vacuum tube. She followed this with a screech to rival the bird's. The interns echoed her with a cacophony of screeches that less closely mimicked the canary yet had the unanticipated effect of sounding like the entrance to hell itself. The marketers fell back, and the screeching dissolved into a collective cheer.
"Pst, hey Caltrop, buddy!"
The watersprite glanced up just in time to see Icky slide past on his track. "Check your phone, duuude," called the AI, before he was too far to be heard above the din.
Caltrop scrambled to retrieve his phone from his pocket. The newest message had been sent barely a minute before from Icky, and the subject line merely read: A REVOLUTIONARY MANIFESTO.
"I have a manifesto," Caltrop called to Sass, who by this time was at the other end of the barricade and unable to hear him. The marketers were reassembling, which meant there wasn't much time. He would have to act fast.
With the silent wish that Cosette were there to see him, Caltrop leapt up onto the barricade itself, balancing on the edge of a desk. In one hand, he held his phone before him to read; the other, he cupped around his mouth. He took a deep breath, and prepared to bellow.
—X—
From his hiding place inside the hollowed-out fridge, Mulch could hear the commotion of the intern revolution.
"Will you join in our crusade?" bellowed Caltrop from atop the barricade. "Who will be strong and stand with me? Beyond this office is there a world you long to see?"
Mulch anxiously pressed redial for the seventh time. This time, finally, Holly picked up. "Mulch," she sighed.
Before she could get further, Mulch hissed into the phone, "Holly. You need to get up here now. The interns are revolting - I repeat, they're revolting. They're reading a manifesto, for Frond's sake!"
Down in the shooting range, Holly pressed speaker on her phone and set it down on the counter. She and Artemis listened as Caltrop continued, "Do you hear the interns shout? Shouting the song of angry dudes? It is the music of the interns who will no longer be subdued! When the beating of - " A confused pause, and then, "Wait," said Caltrop. "This isn't - are these - song lyrics?"
"Well," commented Artemis from the shooting range, "They're certainly not a manifesto."
—X—
2pm
The burn-marks on the shooting range targets were arranged neatly around the critical hit points. Artemis stepped back from his post, one eyebrow raised as he examined his results.
"Not bad," said Holly from behind him. "I think you might finally be getting the hang of that thing." She stepped forward, tilting her head slightly as she looked over the targets. When Artemis didn't respond, she nudged him with her elbow. "Took you long enough."
Given how often she had dragged him to the shooting range since they had set up their new office, her comment was certainly justified. It was mildly frustrating to Artemis, who had expected true mastery over a neutrino would be to understand angles and velocities; it turned out that an action so precise also required "a touch of intuition and a ton of practise" (as Holly had put it).
"I expect the next lesson will involve moving targets?" he asked simply.
"Good idea," said Holly innocently, as though she had not already been planning exactly that. She stepped back from the shooting lane again. "But for today, we've spent enough time down here. I have plans to meet No1 for coffee soon."
"Fair enough," said Artemis. He rotated the neutrino in his hand before holding it out to Holly.
She lifted her hands away. "Keep it."
"What?"
"You heard me. You've been hitting the targets close to the centre for days. You haven't missed once all week."
Artemis stared at her skeptically.
"Essentially, you're good enough that I wouldn't have to worry about you frying my foot in the middle of a firefight," Holly told him. "I wouldn't recommend you go and find any firefights -"
"Has that ever been a difficulty?" Artemis cut in dryly.
"So you won't, then. Good."
Before Artemis could decide whether it was worth it to protest further - or whether he really wanted to - his phone chimed with a new message. He stepped toward the counter where it had been set aside and glanced at the screen.
"Let me guess," said Holly. "Mulch again?"
He shook his head. "Foaly, actually. Apparently he's peeved that no one has stopped by to pick up the replacement tech we ordered after Christmas."
"It's hard to remember to stop by when we don't actually know it's ready."
Artemis remembered what the one intern had mumbled in the office that morning and decided not to mention it. "I don't suppose you could -"
"Nuh-uh," said Holly forcefully. "I have a coffee date. It's your turn to go stop by Police Plaza. Besides, I thought you said you wanted to talk to Foaly about the intern situation?"
—X—
3pm
It wasn't until Holly arrived at the cafe that she remembered why she'd kept putting off her next coffee-date with No1. The demon perked up the moment he saw her, leaning forward over the table. He was probably wagging his stumpy tail, too, although Holly had no intention of checking.
His anticipation was so obvious that she nearly walked right back out again. Only the thought that she would be returning to an office full of rebelling interns gave her pause.
"So," he said once she'd taken a seat. "The Christmas present."
Holly huffed a sigh. "I don't know how you even found out about that."
"I'm magic!" No1 said, spreading his hands wide. At Holly's unimpressed expression, he added, "Well, it works when I use that excuse for anyone else."
"I'm not anyone else, though, am I?"
He considered her words. "No, you really aren't. I actually found out about it from Mulch."
Holly kneaded her forehead. "Of course you did."
No1 wiggled in pride, took a large drink of his sim-coffee, and then looked at her expectantly. "Well -?"
"Well," repeated Holly, embarrassed, "It wasn't that big a deal. Just a hologram of the stars - but it did look amazing."
No1 stared at her skeptically.
"All right," she admitted. "It was a surprisingly thoughtful gesture, it was gorgeous, and I was touched. Especially as I have no idea how Artemis got it belowground before me while he was still at the manor. He must have had help."
"That was Mulch," No1 declared. He leaned back in his chair, took another sip, and frowned.
"What?"
"That actually sounds familiar," said No1 suspiciously. "I could swear I read that in a human romance novel."
Holly blinked. "Wait - read what?"
"I did! Just two weeks ago. Ida Leister's newest novel, The Fume of Sighs. I got it for Christmas!"
"What."
No1 carried on excitedly. "After a romantic vacation with the mysterious and enigmatic Eduardo, Lucille Blythe returns home to find a box waiting on her kitchen counter. She has no idea how he got it there, as he left before her and had to stay a day late in the Cayman Islands for business, which means he isn't back in town yet. The present contains a mosaic of the night sky - the exact constellations they could see from their private retreat in the islands. It's very romantic."
Holly nearly choked on her drink. "You're saying Artemis stole the idea from a romance novel?"
No1 wiggled again. "I was just pointing out the similarities. Besides, it was a very good scene."
"I'm going to kill him."
—X—
Caltrop was slumped against the wall in the back corner of the office, as far as he could physically get from the disaster that was the intern barricade, when the new elf who'd stolen Dodo's desk appeared before him. She mumbled something, twisting a finger through her hair.
"I'm sorry, I c-can't hear you," said Caltrop.
She sighed heavily and leaned forward to tug at his arm.
"Oh, leave me," he huffed. "I don't d-deserve it. Glub. All I wanted was to impress Cosette and - glub - now it turns out she isn't even here! I misused my p-power as head intern and made a mess of everything!"
The elf pulled at his arm again.
"If only Dodo was here," he moaned. "She'd be able to sort everything out."
Fed up with his moaning, the elf pinched at his arm.
"I don't even know why you're still here," Caltrop moaned. "You're an intern. You should have quit - glub - ages ago. You've h-had plenty of time to slip out unnoticed. N-no one would think worse of you. Least of all, glub, me."
She planted both hands on her hips and glared at him. It was oddly unnerving, as the posture felt terribly familiar - as though he'd seen it plenty of times before. He felt intimidated and couldn't quite understand why.
"Fine," he said grumpily, and rose to his feet. "What did you w-want?"
The elf led him back across the office, avoiding the barricade by slipping through the secondary door to the hall. Caltrop was too disheartened to argue, although he did pause in the doorway to bemoan abandoning his troops.
"You seem t-terribly determined to stay with our department," he observed as they walked down the hall together.
The elf nodded happily.
"I'm afraid I - glub - didn't catch your name earlier."
She said something quietly that Caltrop couldn't hear., After multiple attempts to ask her to speak up, she sighed and pulled out her communicator.
"Maise," he read aloud, and she nodded happily before pointing to the door of a supply closet.
"I don't understand."
Frustrated, she pointed at the door again. Caltrop stepped closer and then jumped back in horror when he heard a moan on the other side.
"Th-that had b-better not b-be what I think it is," he declared, bubbles flooding his gill tubes.
Maise folded her arms and glared at him.
"Me?" Caltrop said weakly. "But I - I can't - why me - we have to leave -!"
Something inside the supply closet clattered to the floor. Another moan escaped.
"Oh noooo," Caltrop wailed, taking another step back.
Maise threw her hands in the air and whispered something that might have been, "Butyou'retheheadintern."
"And maybe I don't want to be head intern anymore." He glubbed unhappily for a moment before setting his shoulders. "No, that's ridiculous. I - glub - do want to be head intern. I d-do."
Maise patted him on the shoulder encouragingly, and then shoved him towards the closet door. Caltrop fumbled to open it.
"Hey!" someone yelped.
"Oi!" exclaimed another.
In the shadows of the closet, Caltrop could see the outlines of the guilty parties as they sprung apart, knocking various items from the shelves. It wasn't surprising, as the supply closet had not been designed for two centaurs to fit within.
"Sass?" Caltrop gasped in horror. His eyes widened as he recognized the other party. "Terrell?"
"Caltrop!" Sass exclaimed guiltily, lifting a hand to smooth out her hair. "What are you - why aren't you at the barricade?"
"Me!? Why are you making out with the enemy in a supply closet!?"
Utterly betrayed, Caltrop stumbled backward. Maise stepped forward, waving her arms at Sass.
"Oh for Frond's sake," huffed Terrell, brushing hastily past the elf to escape. "I'm not waiting around to be gawked at by these incompetent interns."
"Hey!" shouted Sass, following him angrily, "Don't you dare call my fellow interns incompetent."
Maise and Caltrop both leapt out of the way just in time as Sas angrily kicked the door closed. It slammed shut, unnoticed by either centaur. They were too busy bickering with each other as they trotted off down the hall.
"W-we'd better return to the office," Caltrop decided. Despite himself, he felt his heart swell with newfound resolve. "With Sass gone, the other interns will doubtless need someone to look up to. And - glub - as head intern, that job falls to me."
—X—
Foaly was pouting by the time Artemis arrived at the Ops Booth. "I was expecting you this morning," he said. "Are you too busy with your special new offices to even stick to a proper visiting schedule?"
"I'm sorry," Artemis responded, his tone dry, "There was a delay involving interns. You wouldn't know anything about that, would you?"
Foaly coughed, dropped his carrot stick, and turned resolutely back to the computer. "I have no idea what you're talking about," he said firmly. "Your package is on the corner of my desk, there."
Artemis retrieved the package from the tangle of loose wiring it had already been buried beneath and eyed it skeptically. "This is it? Odd. I'd imagine something as small as this would not take two months to compile and pass along."
"Of course that's it. And you know, I'd have an easier time prioritizing your department if you didn't actively keep me out of the loop." The centaur wrinkled his nose, appraising the human before him. "I know you're big on keeping secrets, Mud Boy, but I'd sleep better knowing exactly what you're up to. Remember Chicago? Iceland? Denver? I don't like surprises, especially not when they involve you."
"You're obligated to report to the LEP," Artemis replied, still turning the package over in his hands. "If I could safely keep you in the loop, you have my word that I would. And for what it's worth, Holly also agrees that this is a necessary precaution."
He flicked his tail. "That's the only reason why I'm giving you this tech at all. I trust Holly's judgement."
"As do I. And now that we have this, we'll be able to integrate it into our systems overnight and resume operations tomorrow. Now that it would actually interfere with our productivity, I would appreciate it if you ceased increasing our daily intern count according to the Fibonacci sequence. It was clever at first, but now it's simply petty."
"It's not petty. You stole my AI," said Foaly, trying to not pout even as he entered a string of code into his computer to cancel the delivery of thirteen interns to LEPfoul's offices.
Artemis waited until the computer beeped in affirmation before he strode to the doorway of the ops booth, pausing on the threshold. "On that topic, I would like to know: Why exactly would you program Icarus to know about human musicals? In what situation is that ever going to be useful information?"
Foaly snorted. "Well, if they ever decide to lead a revolution, at least they'll be able to give it some rousing theme music?"
"I never told you the interns were revolting."
"Hey, that's not a nice thing to say about your own staff. Though the fishy one is a little -"
Artemis raised his hand to cut the centaur off. "Thank you, Foaly. Although, just what revolution was your AI programmed to lead, anyway?"
Completely deadpan, Foaly responded, "The centaur revolt, obviously."
Artemis spun on his heel and left without another word.
—X—
When Caltrop and Maise returned to the office, the marketers had pulled back to reorganize their ranks. Now that the interns had space to breathe, they'd begun to confer amongst themselves and several points of interest had been discovered. The crowd was waiting by the side door, and they didn't look happy.
"I-is everything - glub - alright?" Caltrop asked.
"No," declared Shyrill and Ambryn in unison. "Everything is not alright."
Mulch had emerged from the fridge to join the interns in their confrontation. "We have a spy in our midst," he declared. "And we all know what we do to spies."
Caltrop was confused. If anyone else had made this statement, he would have assumed Mulch was the spy in question, given his close friendship with their bosses. "N-no, what d-do we do to spies?"
Mulch slammed fist to palm, as though that were the only explanation necessary. Alarmed, Caltrop cried, "B-b-but who would I b-be spying for anyway? I'm head intern!"
Mulch paused, confused. "You?"
"We mean her," said Shyrill, gesturing to the elf beside Caltrop.
"She's the spy!" added Ambryn.
Caltrop bristled to the elf's defence. "Don't be absurd. She's an intern - just like us all." He cast an anxious eye toward Mulch as though expecting the dwarf to leap forward and devour him whole. "Er, most of us."
"She's a spy!" both pixies said again, forcefully.
"She's trying to sow derision amongst our ranks!" Shyrill exclaimed, spreading her hands.
"She's driving us apart so the marketers will be able to defeat us! She drove our bosses away, exposed Sass for the traitor that she is, and pulled you from the barricade! It's obvious!" chorused Ambryn.
"Don't be so mean," Caltrop said forcefully, though his mind was churning with the possibilities. "This is b-bullying, you know. And I don't see why either of you - or any of you others - have a say at all. You've barely been here a d-day. I am the h-head intern and I s-say this is absurd." With that, he took Maise's arm and pulled her back into the hallway.
The elf resisted, squeaking unintelligibly.
Caltrop attempted to argue with her. "I d-don't care if you were a spy. You're an intern, too, and that means - hold on." He paused at the closet that only minutes before had been occupied by two centaurs. "I j-just have to check -" Still holding tight to Maise with one hand, he pulled the door open and shoved her inside.
"See, the bonds of internship are - glub - powerful forces. Forces beyond either of our control! I won't l-l-let those fall by the wayside, even if you have. M-Maise, just - oh, I give up -!"
And with that, he slammed the closet door shut, ran his thumb against the lock, and waited for the green light that meant it was sealed from the outside. From the other side of the door, he could hear Maise mumbling something. It was hard to read the tone of the elf's voice, so he raised his chin and his voice.
"Maise - glub - you listen to me! I won't - won't tell our bosses. Just wait until this dies down, sneak out, and never - ever - come back. Oh, curse this revolution! C-c-curse the bonds of liberty, of freedom, and of fellowship amongst interns!"
The elf finally spoke clearly. "Aren't - uh, liberty and freedom kind of the same thing?"
Caltrop paused, thinking hard. "That's a good point."
And with that, he wailed and fled the vicinity.
—X—
4pm
The sounds of revolution could be heard the moment the elevator doors sprung open. "That's not a good sign," said Artemis, ever the master of understatement.
Holly merely narrowed her eyes.
They strode down the hall briskly. The music and shouts got louder as they neared, so that it was a miracle when they heard a frantic pounding come from the supply closet just outside the Foul Team's secondary door.
Frowning, Artemis paused to release the lock. Half a second later, the door burst open to free one of the new interns. Artemis raised his eyebrow at the sight of her, while Holly visibly took a step back when she recognized the hairstyle.
"Thank you!" gasped Maise, nearly bursting into tears. "I-I-I'm so sorry!"
Rather astounded that she was actually speaking at normal volume, Artemis patted her awkwardly on the shoulder once. Just once, and then he rapidly drew his arm back to his side. "You were locked in a closet, that's all. It could happen to anyone."
Behind him, Holly snorted and then tried to cover it up with a cough.
"But I was - I was - " Maise's voice dropped and she continued in a whisper, her face going red in shame.
Artemis nodded as she spoke. "I see," he said once she finished, turning to share a look with his partner. "Time to get this over with, I suppose." He stepped up to the office's side door, opened it quietly, and stepped inside.
The interns of LEPfoul were so engaged in their battle against Terrell and the marketers at the main doors that they didn't even notice Artemis and Holly enter the room. Their intern base had been greatly depleted by the revolution, as most of the new assignees had slipped quietly away in the midst of the chaos. Caltrop had regained his perch on the top of the barricade, and Sass had once again found her flag. Shyrill and Ambryn were both waving around desk lamps. Icky, still caught on malfunctioning mechanics, was doing his best to throw foam shells at the enemy every time he swung near the action.
Artemis stopped a few feet behind the chaos, pausing to take in the disaster before him. As soon as he realized total comprehension might be beyond even him, he crossed his arms and settled in for a long wait. Holly halted beside him and mimicked his posture. Neither of them said a word, both watching the scene before them with matching unimpressed expressions.
It was several minutes before anyone caught sight of the LEPfoul leaders. The first were several of the advertising agency staff, as they were actually facing the offices. They froze in place, causing Terrell to shout at them in annoyance. Finally, one sprite tugged on his arm and pointed. The centaur shut up instantly.
That was when the confused interns finally realized that something was happening behind them. Lowering their weapons, they turned slowly and saw a sight that would haunt their nightmares for a long time.
Artemis raised an eyebrow. "Are we done yet?"
After a sudden jab from Terrell, one of the marketing staff scampered back to the hall and shut off the music. The sudden silence was deafening. Sass dropped her flag. Caltrop scrambled down from the barricade.
"Good," said Holly. "Because you're all promoted."
Everyone looked up, sure they had misheard her. "Not you," Holly continued, glaring at Terrell. "But be sure I'll be talking to you later."
The centaur suddenly decided that storming the barricade may have been a terrible decision after all, and began silently herding his staff from the room.
Artemis waited until the marketers had left before saying, "But make no mistake, if this ever happens again -"
"- and rest assured, we will hear of it -"
"- each and every one of you will be fired."
"Immediately."
"Understood?"
There was a pause before the interns realized their bosses were waiting for a response. They all nodded anxiously.
"Now back to work."
The interns dispersed. Everyone was silent and dazed, not entirely sure how they had gotten away with their revolution - or if they really had. With their bosses, it was sometimes hard to tell exactly how and where consequences would play out.
Mulch crawled out from beneath a pile of chairs. "Promoted?"
"They took matters into their own hands. Showed initiative," said Holly defensively. "Defended the department."
"Additionally, they made a plan and carried it out well, even to the point of adopting an effective - albeit somewhat unconventional - manifesto."
"Wait," said Mulch, "You make it sound knew how bad this had gotten and you still didn't do anything until now?"
Artemis raised his other eyebrow, nonplussed. "They're my interns. Of course I knew."
"Our interns," Holly corrected. "Besides, you broke all my dishes last night. And ate our fridge."
"Fine. See where I am next time you two need your lives saved."
—X—
6pm
"Here's a question for you," said Holly dryly. "If we've just promoted all our interns to full-time operatives, why aren't any of them here to clean up this mess?"
Mulch, who had been busy sweeping confetti into a pile in the middle of the room, straightened with a laugh. "It's because it's the job of the interns to do that!"
"We don't have any interns now," Holly pointed out.
"Exactly."
Holly frowned, set down the bio-bag that she'd been using to collect all the used party cups, and crossed the office to where Artemis was hunched over in the corner. "Fowl," she said, and when he didn't look up, she repeated, "Fowl."
When he turned, Holly saw that he'd been busy organizing a rumpled stack of paper files. While the office operated primarily electronically, Artemis usually kept a stack of papers close at hand, guarding them protectively and glaring daggers at anybody stupid enough to try to touch them. These files had had the misfortune of sitting there when Sass decided to turn the desk on its side earlier that day. Now that the upgrade to the department's security was buzzing happily on the corner of his desk as it integrated into their systems, he had turned his full attention to trying to reorganize them. This was a process that involved a lot of muttering, and a lot of tuning the rest of the office out.
"Fowl," Holly said again once he was paying attention, "How many interns are coming tomorrow?"
"None," he responded, shuffling another paper into place.
"None?"
Something in her tone of voice caused him to peer at her more closely. "You told me to handle the situation, and I did. We won't be receiving any more interns."
"But we can't operate without any interns," she retorted. "Now that you've gone and promoted everyone today, we don't have anyone to do things like clean up and filing."
"The promotion was your idea. You could have consulted me, seeing as I am a consultant. If you had done so, I would have warned you that this would be a consequence of that action."
She threw up her hands, admitting defeat. "That isn't my point. If we had interns, we wouldn't be the ones cleaning up right now."
He looked down at his papers, then across the room with confetti, foam, and office supplies still scattered everywhere, and conceded the point. "Although," he added, "We do actually still have one intern. Maise."
"Who?"
"I realize that she's technically a spy for the marketing agency but I do think it would be useful to have a connection we could draw on in the future and -"
Icky drew near on his track and, before the mechanics could pull him out of earshot, said, "Isn't Maise the one who asked to join Foul Team because she idolizes Captain Short?"
That was when Holly realized which elf it was that Artemis was referring to. She blanched, briefly wondered if she should protest, decided it would not be worth the time, and quickly changed the topic. "You know if you didn't keep paper files, you wouldn't have to sort those all by hand now, right? Besides, they're horrible for the environment."
Artemis raised an eyebrow at the comment. "Yet, by keeping certain files out of any databases, Foaly has to physically come to our office to gain access. And we all know how often he comes here." Then, before Holly could respond, he pointed to his eye. "Besides, I've still not adapted to having both my own eyes. I'd gotten perfectly used to having one of yours, but your vision is better than mine. It doesn't make much of a difference during day-to-day activities, but staring at a screen for too long will occasionally give me headaches."
"It's been over a year since -" she began, and then cut off. Artemis simply nodded.
"I know."
Holly remembered how long it had taken her to get used to Artemis's eye after returning from Hybras - and, undoubtedly, that transition had been infinitely easier than his current one. For starters, she had magic to ease the adjustment process. More importantly, she had not also been in the process of adapting to a cloned body along with the altered vision. If his eyesight was the only thing to have fallen through the cracks upon his return to life, she supposed that was a fair enough trade. "Point taken," she conceded, "But speaking of paper, I was talking with No1 this afternoon."
"Yes, you said you went for coffee."
"And he told me that you stole the idea of the constellations gift from a - you know what? Nevermind."
But his face had turned bright red. Over the decade that she had known Artemis, Holly could count the number of times she had seen him blush on one hand. Now, it confirmed what she had feared.
"You actually did, didn't you!"
"Did what?" asked Mulch from across the room.
"Nothing!" responded Holly, before lowering her voice so only Artemis could hear. "You stole that gift idea from a human romance novel."
"I did not," said Artemis primly, focused once again on shuffling his papers.
"You definitely did. No1 said he'd read that exact scenario in a novel by - by -" In her sudden panic, Holly had forgotten the author's name.
Artemis had not. "The Fume of Sighs by Ida Leister," he said bluntly. "You do realize it was published mere days before Christmas, right? There is no way I could have created your gift in that time, considering I spent most of it sitting in a jail cell."
It was only then that Holly's gift of languages kicked in to catch the pun. "By Frond," she growled, "You are - I can't believe you would -" She stopped. "I don't know what is worse - that you would steal a gift idea from that book or that you would come up with the idea yourself and then write it into a romance novel and publish it!"
Artemis glanced up at her innocently, which would have been easier if he were not still blushing furiously. "It was merely intended to be a thoughtful gift," he said stiffly. "I did not mean to offend you with any other intentions."
"I'm not offended by any of your intentions! Those actually aren't the problem! I'm offended because you just stole an idea from yourself! Is that even possible?"
"Wait. Then you're not objecting to -"
That was when Icky came sliding by on his track again. "What are you objecting to?"
"Nothing!" both yelped.
"He's doing that on purpose," Holly said, watching Icky slide away.
"It's an automated loop," Artemis replied immediately, seizing upon the change in topic. "That would be impossible. Although it would be a good idea to reprogram that function. I could do it right now."
Holly's eyes narrowed. "I'm finding a stool. You're taller - you get to actually catch him." And then, more softly, "We'll talk more later."
"Ooh? Talk more about what?" Mulch popped his head back around the corner, looked from human to elf and back again, and then blinked. "Oh, wow. You both look really flustered." He took a step forward, nudging Artemis in the side. "Hey! Finally got there, did you?"
"Mulch. Leave. Now."
"But I've been waiting for you to get to this talk for months! Can I at least watch -"
Holly slammed the stool down upon the tiled floor, pointing with a thumb at the door. "OUT."
—X—
8:30pm
As Foaly trotted up the walkway to his home, he could make out the smooth contours of an object on his doorstep. The centaur cantered the last few feet, kneeling beside the familiar little console.
"What are you doing here?" he asked, prodding at the artificial intelligence's casing.
"I messed up, man. My track got stuck, and then I kind of started a revolution. I think. There was a confetti cannon and lotsa music, so maybe it was just a big party. Long story short, the boss dudes decided that maybe I shouldn't be an intern after all."
"You got fired?" asked Foaly, baffled. He could not decide whether he was relieved, or whether he felt a little bit insulted that Artemis and Holly would even consider firing a personality that had been based - at least to begin with - off himself. All the same, the centaur patted the console soothingly as he scooped it up off the ground. He knew, logically, that it possessed no kind sensory input apparatus, but he hoped the AI would appreciate the gesture all the same. "There, there. It's okay, Icarus. Whatever happened, it doesn't matter. You're home now."
"Duuuude," the AI said, glowing a dejected shade of puce. "My name's Icky."
—X—
9pm
They finally fell silent in the lift on the way back to her apartment, and wordlessly went about the business of fixing the front door.
"By the way, we need to have a different talk, too," Holly finally said, quietly, as she tested the door to her apartment. Satisfied that it closed properly, she swiped the keypad with a thumb to lock it. "When I broke down and gave you that shelf space you wanted, I assumed you were going to keep to your own side of the shelf." She cast out an arm to the shelving unit pressed up against the opposite wall of the front room. "Because I understand that you have your methods, but I need to actually be able to find things."
Artemis straightened from where he had crouched to solder the door hinges back into place. Pleased with his handiwork, he tucked the laser pointer back inside his pocket and turned to face her. "Holly, I may be a genius, but my filing systems generally do follow reasonable patterns and are actually contained. It shouldn't be too difficult to sort out, even for -" And then, "Wait. You weren't purposefully rearranging them in an attempt to passive-aggressively assert your dominance over this space? I was under the impression that was why we could not commit to an organizational scheme for more than a day at a time, and decided weeks ago to not respond to it."
She raised both eyebrows. "It is my apartment. And I have no problems committing. I literally just told you that."
He lifted his hands, palms outwards in a silent apology. "Point taken, but the question remains. If I am not responsible for reorganizing the unit, and neither are you..."
She didn't wait to see how he was going to finish the sentence, crossing the hallway. Without asking for the human's help, she wedged herself between the corner of the unit and the wall. Counted down to three in her head, and then braced herself. Strained with her knees, and pushed it backwards out of the way.
"That explains a lot," said Artemis, craning his neck to see past her to the now-exposed wall. "That's how he's been getting in."
The tunnel behind the shelf was not especially large, winding back through the wall and into the foundation behind it. After half a foot it turned sharply, and it was impossible to tell exactly how far it went. Given the circumstances, neither of the apartment's occupants were particularly interested in delving into exploration.
Instead, for several moments, human and elf both stared.
"Mulch didn't even bother to seal it after him. Just dragged the shelf back into place. Put back anything that fell down." She shook her head, horrified.
Artemis was also appalled. "Didn't bother organizing it at all. If I didn't know better, I'd even guess that he'd assumed we would blame each other for the resulting mess." Paused. Considered. Decided that what he was about to say was, indeed, worth it. "There may be a bright side, though."
As anticipated, she swivelled to stare at him. "Do tell."
He grinned, tapping twice on the side of the shelf. "At least we know it wasn't the plumbing?"
—X—
Authors' Note:
HAPPY ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY, FOUL TEAM! Yup, we posted the very first episode exactly one year ago today. (Unleash the confetti cannon!) It's hard to believe we're only halfway through this thing! As a sort of commemoration thing, I wrote a post on my livejournal about how Freud and I actually started collabing Foul Team in the first place - link is, of course, available through our profile.
Anyway, we've got a sort of lengthy author's note today so bear with us:
First of all, I should apologize for how long it took for this update to go up. Over the summer, both Freud and I were wrapped up in other projects. In addition to summer classes and work, we both wrote for the Narnia Fic Exchange (which is currently posting a fic a day on LJ, if you're interested in checking that out). I also spent July drowning in origfic for Camp Nanowrimo. - Winged
Seconded! I guess we took a bit of a summer vacation from this fic. Sorry for the wait, and we're back now! Perhaps fittingly, this is the obligatory breather episode before we dive into the second half of the season, and start bringing things together properly. Enjoy the sheer, silly chaos of this moment - it won't last for long! - Freud
By the way, we sort of accidentally ended up taking a vacation from responding to reviews, too. It was not intentional, we promise! Thanks, as always, for the support and feedback. We both love hearing from you all! - Winged
As an apology for the ridiculously long posting delay, we've uploaded a few Foul Team-inspired playlists on our shared 8tracks account (under the name 'freudwithwings')."Gone Identity Mad!" is a mix for Ray Eskola, "Littlest One First" is for Demia Carter, and "Do You Hear The Interns Sing?" is the official-unofficial soundtrack for the intern revolution. We'll keep posting new mixes as new chapters go up, new events unfold, and new Changelings get introduced. Happy listening! - Freud
The title of the romance novel, by the way, comes from a quote by Shakespeare: "Love is a smoke raised with the fume of sighs." - Winged
I'm a bit disappointed in myself. I'm the English major, yet Winged was the one who found the perfect Shakespeare quote for the moment. I can only respond in kind:
"Live in thy shame, but die not thy shame with thee!"
I suppose I shall. - Freud