I was going to work on PD until I realized just how neglected this fic has been. I've had several people leave reviews asking either to get S/J together already, or to let them know if this has a happy ending. Some have even come out and said they don't want S/J together after reading the chapters so far, and I kinda feeling the whole Jack/Ilana vibe.
The end of this chapter might offer up some clues as to where this fic is going. It hasn't been an easy ride, but...
Chapter 17: The Course of True Love Never Did Run Smooth
"We need Sam on this."
Jack glanced over his shoulder at Daniel before turning back to the laptop he was interfacing to the Ancient workstation in Ilana's lab. They needed to download the information she'd given them to analyze back at the SGC in order to plan out a mission to the planet where another outpost lay abandoned.
"I know," he replied back.
He sensed Daniel nodding. "O-kay. I just wanted to make that clear… that that's not gonna be a problem, right?" Daniel asked hesitantly.
Jack taped up the exposed wires of the cable he'd connected to the inner guts of the Lantian crystal array. "Why would it be?"
Daniel sighed in annoyance. "It's a good thing you have an Ancient healer on hand," he commented, changing the topic. "Makes it easier for you to hide the evidence from Sam."
The control crystal he'd pulled out almost slipped from his grasp. "Dammit," Jack swore under his breath. He glared at the nosey archaeologist, who looked completely unrepentant.
"You have to tell her what happened. You can't let her face him all alone. God know's what he's thinking right now. If he says the wrong thing to the wrong person…"
Jack halted him with a raised hand. "I'll handle it. But this," he indicated at the equipment in front of them, "has to take priority. Let's not forget we are under presidential orders here."
"Why don't you get Doctor Lee to handle this? Go home and talk to Sam. I'll handle everything else here. Considering what she's already given us, I doubt Ilana is much of a flight risk. Teal'c and I will be fine taking care of things."
Jack paused and stared at the still darkened laptop screen. He sighed. He put the control crystal down. "Fine."
Daniel's mouth dropped open in surprise. He adjusted his glasses to cover up his shock. "Um, You're going to see Sam?"
Jack bit his lower lip and nodded. "Like you said, we need her on this. You're right-" Daniel's eyebrows climbed impossibly high at that admission, making Jack grimace. "I can't work with her with things the way they are."
Daniel's mouth worked like a goldfish for a moment before he could find a reply. "Wow," he finally managed. "That-that-" he suddenly grinned. "Did it hurt?" his grin widened even further at the pained expression on Jack's face. "Did it taste bitter? I gotta know, because Jack O'Neill actually admitting that I was right-"
"Ah!" Jack forestalled any further remarks. "Another word, Daniel, and you're so not going to see that!" he pointed at the frozen image of the planet. "I swear to God, I'll take Feljer before I take you."
It took several minutes of prevarication before Jack was able to force his left hand to pull the door handle of his truck open. He'd sat there inside the cab, gathering up courage to make good on his promise to Daniel and call a truce with Carter.
His time at the SGC crawled on, with Hammond not quite ready to relinquish the helm at HWS, and that meant having to work with Carter for the time being. There was no question that he would be civil to her and act professionally at all times. But, damn, if it didn't still hurt like hell when he looked at her.
Everything was still too fresh. Nothing may have ever happened formally between them, but it felt very similar that awful moment, what seemed like another life to him now, when Sara had up and left. The wounds he and Sam had inflicted on one another were still raw and bleeding. The stitches he'd pulled tight to close the gaping wound in his heart could easily unravel with one wrong word from her.
The steps he took just to cross her street felt interminable, a lot slower than he was capable of moving. He wanted to rush through it, but his feet wouldn't listen. His body remembered too vividly the pain it felt to be in her presence. Human physiology was hard wired to remember pain better than pleasure. It was as if he was going to the gallows, when in reality all he had to do was make nice.
When Sam finally threw open her front door, Jack had to remind himself not to look away. This was the litmus of whether he could face her at work, or be forced to avoid her completely until he was transferred.
"Sir!" Carter whispered in surprise. It was clear he was the last person she expected to ever grace her door.
He nodded. "Carter." He watched her as she unconsciously stood to attention in his presence. At least her respect for his rank had not altered.
"What can I do for you, General?"
"May I come in?" he asked in a soft tone.
He saw the brief hesitation before politeness and duty overruled her instincts, and she led him inside the house.
Deeper into her open plan kitchen, he realized why she might have hesitated to let him in. For once, her usually immaculate home was in disarray. Boxes of takeout food littered her kitchen. There were clothes hanging off the dining chairs, and the sofa was piled high with newspapers and unopened mail.
"What can I do for you, sir?" He noticed that she'd put the kitchen island between them before asking the question.
"We you need you back in the Mountain today. There's been a development with our guest. There's an off-world mission in the works."
"Walter couldn't just tell me that over the phone?" she asked him with a blank expression.
"Yes," Jack replied softly once again. "But I needed to speak to you in person before you go back to work."
She grimaced as if in pain, then quickly schooled her features. "I won't make a scene if that's what you're worried about," she said, deliberately leaving out the 'sir' at the end.
"I know you won't, Carter. But we ended things… badly. I just wanted to say that I don't want those things to affect our working relationship. I still consider you the best damned 2IC I've ever had, and the SGC considers you its top asset. We're gonna need you on this, and I had to be sure that my presence won't affect you negatively."
"Your 'presence', sir?" She looked at him confused.
"I'll be the mission commander. The C-in-C explicitly commanded HWS that I lead the mission. General Hammond is on his way from DC to take over the running of the SGC while I'm gone."
Sam looked away, then shrugged. "If the President says you have to lead the mission, then my feelings on the matter are not germane. Whatever they are."
"You're right that it won't matter from the President's point of view, but it does matter to me. You more than anyone can understand what disharmony can do to a team out there. I need you to know that no matter what, I've got your back, and I'm pretty damned sure you've still got mine."
She raised her head to look back at him and nodded sharply. "Of course, sir."
"Good. I'm glad we got that cleared up," he nodded as well, then turned towards the door. "Thank you for time, Colonel. I'll see you at the mission briefing at noon."
He walked briskly towards the door and reached for the handle-
"Jack?"
His hand hovered over the brass handle. Instead of grasping it, he clenched his fist and pulled his hand to his side. "Yeah?" he asked turning towards Carter.
She stared at him with the most lost expression he'd ever seen on her face. It broke something inside of him, but his own gaping wounds refused to consider the thought of comforting her.
"Thank you. For coming here. For not… completely turning away."
It was on the tip of his tongue to say 'anytime', but they were way past that point, and he didn't think there was any turning back. So he merely nodded and quickly made his exit.
Pete made sure O'Neill's car had disappeared around the corner before killing the engine and stepping out of his car.
He'd called Sam repeatedly the night before. He'd kept his tone casual and friendly, not wanting to clue her in to what he wanted to discuss. He'd wanted to do it somewhere public where neither of them could lose their temper and start yelling.
He knew he was very close to losing it, and he needed the distraction of being in a public venue so that he wouldn't go apeshit on her and say something incredibly stupid that he couldn't take back.
Most of the time, he was an incredibly laid back guy. He rarely lost his temper and when he did he was quick to apologize and make up. His divorce hadn't been an acrimonious one. When Michelle told him she could no longer deal with being married to a cop, he'd given her an easy out. Not because he didn't love her, but because he did. He couldn't bear the thought of hurting her any further and he knew begging would get him nowhere once she'd decided to leave. She was a stubborn woman, and it was one of the things that had attracted him to her.
With Sam, it was the whole package. She was everything a guy could want and he fell hard and fast. All he thought about was making her his permanently. But like his ex-wife, she was stubborn. Unlike Michelle, she wasn't always taken by his charm and easy going attitude. She wasn't as open and she really pushed his patience to the limit. But he stuck to his guns, determined to marry her.
When she lied about certain things, he let it go. When she disappeared for days and weeks at a time, and he only found out she was back by unexpectedly showing up at her house, he forgave her for it, reasoning that she had a very stressful career. But what he'd seen out in the park, he couldn't excuse.
When Sam opened the door, she looked more resigned than surprised to see him, which didn't bode well for their coming conversation.
"I have to go to work, Pete. I can't really talk right now."
"This can't wait," he insisted.
He followed her to the kitchen where she was clearing up the dirty dishes piled up on the side of the sink into the dishwasher.
"I need you to explain something for me. I need to understand what I saw at the park and I want you be straight with me."
He watched her defensive walls rise and the tired, almost defeated Sam that answered the door, vanished into Colonel Carter.
She narrowed her eyes at him, her jaw set in annoyance. "Were you following me?! Dammit, Pete, I thought we were over this-"
"I'm not sorry, Sam!" he cut her off, silencing her angry tirade. "In fact, I'm glad I followed you, otherwise I wouldn't have seen with my own eyes what O'Neill did to you!"
"He didn't do anything to me Pete!"
"You call putting you in a choke hold nothing?! Sam, he hurt you-"
"Jack would never hurt me," she replied vehemently.
Pete was so tempted to shake her with reason, but he kept his hands tight to his side. "You have to stop defending him, Sam. He'll just hurt you again-"
"Jack has never laid a hand on me, Pete. He's saved my life over and over again. Don't interfere in things you know nothing about," she warned him off.
"Then don't keep me in the dark. Tell me what's really going on. I have a right to know, dammit! I'm gonna be your husband, Sam. There shouldn't be secrets between us!"
"This has nothing to do with you, Pete. Please don't interfere," she suddenly begged him.
He shook his head in the negative. "I can't. Not when it comes to this. Not after-" he faltered. "Not after what I saw at O'Neill's house."
Sam visibly stiffened. "You followed General O'Neill to his house? What- why would you do that?" Sam looked panicked and he had a feeling why.
"After what he did to you, I had to do something, Sam. I had to. I couldn't let it pass."
"What did you do?" Sam asked suddenly turning cold.
Pete saw her demeanor and knew he had to ask her what he needed now, or she would shut him down completely. "I saw her, Sam. She has your eyes."
Sam stumbled back against the wall and stared at him with a pain filled expression.
"Please, Sam," he pleaded with her. "Explain to me what I saw. If you tell me that she's not yours, that I'm wrong, then I'll believe you. I won't ask again and we'll move on from this, but just please…"
She shook her head in denial, giving a brief ray of hope.
"I can't," she whispered. Tears flowed freely down her cheeks. "I can't deny it," she confessed, shattering his hope just as quickly as it appeared.
She sniffed loudly, wiping her nose with her sleeve. "Don't bother asking me the hows, I'm not at liberty to tell you."
He let out an incredulous laugh. "Classified?! You're telling me your love child is classified?"
Sam glared at him. "Don't ever call her that. She's not some dirty little secret that you think Jack and I are hiding. If you want to hurt someone, hurt me, but you leave them alone!"
Pete stared at her aghast. "God, Sam! What kind of man do you think I am? Do you think that I would sink so low just to keep you?"
She just stared at him in response.
He laughed again without humor and looked down on the floor in defeat. "I thought… I thought that if I just gave you time..." he shook his head. "I knew from the beginning. When you said 'yes' that you were worth the risk. You still are you know? But it's now clear that I'm not what you want, and I can't- I just…" he looked up at her, his own eyes filling with tears. "Bye, Sam."
He headed for the door without turning back.
"Pete!" He paused in his steps, his treacherous heart hoping that she would stop him.
She handed him a black gold trimmed box. "This is yours," she said, returning the ring he'd given her. His heart sunk, realizing that she'd had it in the box all along. She'd taken it off long before he'd ended things.
He pocketed the box and exited Sam Carter's life.
"We're gonna need more sunscreen," Jack remarked as they watched the telemetry video the MALP sent back to Ancient Outpost 1.
"On behalf of SG-2, we volunteer!" Ferretti said enthusiastically. He hated the desert, but not sand. "Look at those beaches…" he muttered.
"There is actual work to do, Colonel."
"Gimme that kind of work anytime!" Ferretti's gaze never left the large Ancient display they'd commandeered. Pristine white sand stretched as far as the eye could see, gradually blending into shallow aquamarine waters. Palm-like fronds edged the beaches, shadowing the ascent to the rainforest-covered green volcanic mountains.
Ilana had given them further access to the rest of the outpost, including the Lantian equivalent of a conference room. Lou Ferretti and Charlie Kawalsky had spruced up the place, and as a reward Lou got to sit in on the presentation. Charlie had opted to return Earthside with the doc.
"Isn't your team due a break Earthside?"
"For this we'll work overtime!"
"Then gather your team and suit up at the SGC. Siler and Carter will be joining you at 1700 to gate back here with all the equipment," Jack informed a grinning Lou.
The colonel gave him a jaunty salute as he went off to inform his team of their enviable new assignment.
Jack sighed and sat down at the edge of the conference table, his eyes fixed on the MALP recorded video feed. The images transmitted were not what he'd expected. The Ancients always had a knack for choosing the most inhospitable places to house their outposts, in his experience.
He figured that maybe they hadn't been so bad millions of years ago, but even so they had probably never looked like a Sandal's Resort commercial. One always had to contend with the hottest or coldest climates when dealing with the creators of the gates, not forgetting of course the prevalence of trees.
He thought about his team, and had to grin at Daniel and Jonas deciding on who got to come with him via a game of rock, paper, scissors. Daniel had won and gave the consolation prize to Jonas: he could have the job of chief archaeologist at the Outpost for the foreseeable future.
Jack had wanted to remind them that it was actually he, the General, that got to decide these things, but Jonas' beaming expression had changed his mind and kept his mouth shut. If the two were happy, then who was he to question it?
His smiled dimmed when he thought of the other half of his team. He'd wanted to Teal'c to come as his backup, but then realized that he needed someone he trusted back home to look after his family. He'd confided to Teal'c his fears for Grace, that no one would be there to protect her while he was off-world, something he hadn't anticipated when he'd taken on the role of father once more.
The Jaffa knew about his confrontation with Shanahan. He knew that his biggest anxiety had nothing to do with the cop, but with the Trust and former NID, who would love to use his daughter to get to him, or take her for scientific curiosity. It wasn't everyday that little girls from an alternate universe showed up to stay in their reality.
As much as he trusted and liked Janet and Charlie, they still had their own issues to deal with, and he needed someone he knew he could depend on. So, even when his natural instinct told him to have Teal'c by his side, he allowed the Jaffa to volunteer to watch over Grace at the SGC.
It wasn't ideal and he hated having his daughter in such a dangerous place, but life had taught him a cruel lesson that even a family home wasn't always safe a for a child. He knew that Teal'c would protect his daughter to his very last breath if it came to it, such was the affection between him and his brother from another mother.
He knew Teal'c didn't entirely approve of his one restriction, that Grace not be allowed to see Sam. Teal'c had a soft spot for Carter, and he felt torn at his affections for her and for his CO. He'd informed Jack of just how much this was hurting Sam, but Jack had to stand his ground for his child's sake. It was no longer just about him and Carter. Grace had to come first.
He'd yet to give her a stable home. While his blood hummed with excitement at the mission ahead, he hated having to leave another child behind for the sake of his knew the risks more than anyone, and the thought of leaving his daughter parentless for a second time made him feel like a complete and utter bastard.
He swore to himself then that this would be the last time. He'd push for that reassignment to DC and leave the risk taking to the likes of Ferretti, Carter, and whoever would take his seat at the SGC. He'd given enough of his life to the service, someone precious needed him more.
He pulled out a laminated picture of Gracie from his pocket, her familiar cornflower eyes sparkling back at him with laughter. For a moment, his throat closed up, recognizing Sam's eyes staring at him. In an ideal world, the responsibility of being a parent wouldn't fall solely on him. Grace wouldn't be an orphan if he fell in a mission. In an ideal world, she would've been conceived with his Carter rather than with her alternate, in a loving relationship instead of one based on sympathy and need.
He pocketed his daughter's image and continued his viewing of the MALP data. According to Ilana, they would need transport to access the outpost on the planet. It was deliberately located away from the gate to defend it against unauthorized access.
Ilana was now working with SGC engineers to get the ships back to a functional state. Carter was going to be joining them in a few hours time. Jonas was acting as interpreter, but Jack had his suspicions that Ilana was more than capable of understanding them now, and was on her way to speaking the language soon enough.
He figured with Carter and Ilana working together, the ships would be ready for their departure once day broke on their destination planet.
"Hey."
"Hey."
Sam smiled at Daniel's sudden appearance in her lab. It had been ages since he'd visited, being so preoccupied with his recent discoveries thanks to Jonas' persistence with the glyphs from P3X-666.
She was checking off her list of equipment to bring on their upcoming mission, her gadgets neatly arranged on her work table, waiting to be packed onto a pallet destined for the outpost.
"It's nice to see you back in the game."
"I was never out of it, Daniel."
"Still-"
Sam abandoned her list and stared hard at Daniel. "Did you send Jack?" she asked him bluntly, one of her eyebrows raised in inquiry.
"I did," he admitted sheepishly, closing the door behind him. "We really need you on this."
She looked away from him and continued with her preparations. "Is that all?"
"Of course not," he replied back, annoyed. "I hate seeing you guys like this. You're my best friends-"
"More his than mine," she said bitterly.
"You struck the first blow, Sam. What the hell were we supposed to do?"
"Respect my decision!" she snapped back.
"You think he didn't?" Daniel replied with incredulity.
"He turned his back on me when he promised to always be there."
"He didn't think you needed him any more! Hell, Sam, it felt like you didn't need any of us!"
"I always needed you! Just because I wanted a little bit of happiness for myself, it didn't mean that I was abandoning you guys. You're the ones who moved on without me!"
"We never left, Sam. We were always right here, you just had to be there." He thought of all those nights she'd bailed on them with one excuse or another. He and Teal'c had tried so hard to get her to come, but she'd confessed to the Jaffa that she wanted a bit of separation from her work friends and Pete. Apparently, they were a bit intimidating even to a seasoned cop.
"I didn't feel welcome, OK! I felt like you disapproved of my life, my choices, it was like my best friends just shut me out because they didn't like the person I'd chosen to be with. God, Daniel! How many times have you and Jack screwed up off world with some random chick-"
"We weren't marrying any of them, Sam! How the hell am I supposed to support something I think is a big mistake? There I said it. I think you and Pete are a disaster waiting to happen. He's all wrong for you, Sam, and you know it. You know it, because you know exactly who's right for you and you gave up on it, so easily. If you just waited… G-d if you'd just waited a few months, this would be all different… You'd have Grace in your life right now, Jack would've done everything his power if he knew he could have you and her in his life. But you just couldn't wait. You had to move on. For what? For someone who will never appreciate you or ever know the real you. Someone who wouldn't hesitate to ask you to give up everything that means so much to you. And you would've done it too out of guilt and obligation, instead of doing it for the right reasons."
"Then why didn't you say something, huh? If you're my friend why didn't you tell me what you really thought instead of taking his side?" she retorted angrily, tears traitorously escaping down her cheeks. She'd felt so betrayed by all of them. A part of her had always hoped that their friendship went beyond the confines of SG-1.
"Because you wouldn't listen, Sam! I know you! Once you've made up your mind about something, you're determined to follow it through if you thought it was right. I mean isn't that exactly what your father did with Jonas Hanson, and just like with Pete you went and got engaged to him!"
"I can't believe you're using my past against me…"
"You asked why I kept silent. I deal in history, Sam. That's how I determine future actions of others. I base it on their past behavior. When it comes to men, you have a terribly consistent track record of choosing the wrong ones."
"Then how do you know choosing him wouldn't be wrong if I have such bad judgement?"
"Because he would choose you, and he has a better track record. I don't know if you know this about him, but he doesn't love easily, but once he does, he loves for life. You saw it with his ex-wife. If their son hadn't died, you and I wouldn't be here having this discussion."
"He didn't choose me, Daniel. He never once said anything-" she paused her thoughts going back to that moment in the park, when he'd finally said the words. "He's never indicated that there would ever be a future for us. I can't live like that, hoping for something that may never be. I need something more tangible than forced confessions and moments in the cold darkness," she said thinking of those wonderful nights on a frozen planet where she'd been able to be in his arms. "I need more certainty in my life, not what ifs, not when everyday could be my last day."
"Then live everyday, like it's your last day! Don't settle. Take what you really want, it's not too late. Don't live with regrets like I do. There's so many moments I wish I can take back with Sha're, moments you can still have with Jack. Stop living with regrets and fight for what you really want. He's still here, Sam, but he won't be forever unless you end things with Pete."
"I have. I did. This morning. It's done." Her voice was certain. Resolute.
"You did? Sam-" he looked at her in stunned surprise.
"I finally realized that I didn't love him. That I couldn't ever love him, not in the way I'm supposed to. He was never what I needed and like a fool, I forced myself to think that that was OK. You're right about me, Daniel. When it comes to love, I'm a complete and utter failure. I always choose wrong and when it starts to fall apart, I persist because I can't face the thought of not being able to work something out. Like it was a goddamned experiment, something to analyze and solve, when there's nothing to solve. It just doesn't fit. Who I love doesn't make sense. He just is."
Daniel grabbed both her shoulders and forced her to look at him. "Listen to me, Sam. You're like a sister to me and I love you. If Jack's what you truly want, I'll do everything in my power to make this right."
"What can you do?" she stared back at him with affection laced with scepticism. "He doesn't want me anymore, Daniel. He told me so."
"And like I said, Sam, once Jack O'Neill loves someone, he loves for life."
So, what do you think? Will she fight? Is it worth fighting for after all that's happened? Would YOU forgive Sam and is there anything to forgive in the first place? And who else is loving Daniel's tough love routine?!
Massive thanks to my lovely reviewers: Kirbydo, Dozi, Jag, PlayItGrand, Kahuna (As always!), Zoser, fnfnzri, Sam600sx, stars90, dp, and other guest reviewers.