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Disclaimer: I do not own Game of Thrones, or A song of Ice and Fire. I own only Jaesa.
Chapter 2: Why?
Jon Snow.
Talk to her. Robb's words had been echoing in Jon's head for days, he knew he would have to find time to talk to Jaesa eventually. He had wanted to say so much the first time he say her, instead he turned to ice and tried to get rid of her. When he took her to her room he had a million words on his tongue but all he could do was ask if she remembered. As if knowing she remembered that night would change everything, it didn't. He was still bitter, and angry over the way she left. It had been five years, and they had been children but it had meant so much to him. She meant a lot to him, even only after a fortnight. He had never met another bastard like himself, and seeing her taught him something about himself.
He couldn't talk to her for days, instead he would watch her with his siblings, with the wolf pups. She had changed so much from the child he had remembered her to be. She had grown from a small, wild child into a graceful, beautiful woman. Her voice no longer held it's rough tone, it had turned almost melodic. He didn't know what she had done in five years, but it was good for her.
Talk to her or she will think you hate her.
It was easy for Robb, he had spoken to Jaesa since she had been in Winterfell. He had seen them together, laughing and joking as if five years had not passed between them. But it was different for Jon, he shared a bond with Jaesa, one he knew his brother didn't. Seeing her again made the words catch in his throat, she wasn't a child any longer, and neither was he. He couldn't even believe she was in Winterfell her last words to him were she'd never be back.
He stumbled across her in walk around Winterfell, her back to him as she pulled the bow back. As he watched her Jon knew she would miss the target, he was no expert but he had shot enough times, and seen Theon do it enough times, to know how to stand.
"You are going to miss if you stand like that."
They were alone, and he knew his voice carried to her. She didn't speak, she just let the arrow fly at the target. Jon had to hold back laughter as the arrow missed the target, and a curse flew from her lips.
"I tried to warn you." He jested.
She spun to face him, her green eyes holding a cool fury.
"If you hadn't spoken, I would not have missed my target, Jon Snow." He loved how she always used his full name. "I never miss."
He couldn't help but smile at her, she was a lot more confident now than she was as a child. Back when he first met her, she couldn't even hold a bow. Now she was confident enough to say she never missed.
"You just missed." He watched her crack a smile as he spoke.
She turned back away from him, taking the some position she was just in. Jon mumbled to himself before stepping up behind her, he placed a hand upon her hip and one on her shoulder. She didn't flinch at his touch, and with a small amount of confidence he didn't know he had, he stepped closer pressing against her back.
"Like this." He whispered, moving her shoulder down and shifting her hip slightly.
She didn't speak, her eyes fixed on the target but he could feel the accelerated way she was breathing. He let go of her shoulder, and moved his hand down to her other hip. His hands settled lightly on her hips, barely touching her as she set to shoot the arrow. He watched the arrow fly, landing directly in the center of the target.
"See when you don't speak it lands." She stepped from his hands, placing her bow where it belonged.
"You landed that with my help, Jaesa." He tried not to sound cold, but his voice left his lips in frustration.
A frown graced her features, and Jon knew he had messed up. He cursed himself. He didn't understand why he could not just let the words he wished to say fall from his lips. She was just any other girl, just a stranger he had barely known. He didn't need to feel so awkward around her.
"Robb is going to be sparring with the Prince soon, and Bran with the younger one. Would you like to go watch?"
He didn't want her to just go off, he needed to spend time with her. He would work the courage up to say something soon enough, he had enough courage to put his hands upon her. He watched her lips twist and her brow furrow as if contemplating his words.
"Why not, better than sitting alone in my chambers." She made a motion for him to lead the way. "You aren't sparring, Jon Snow?"
She was walking beside him, her voice soft and gentle.
"I can not. It would be bad if the bastard son bruised the Prince." His voice was quiet bitter.
He heard her sigh, and when he glanced over to her he saw her wringing her hands together. It took her a moment to speak to him, her eyes looking over to him.
"It matters not, Jon Snow, I think it's more the Prince is afraid you'll beat him."
He felt himself smile, she was too kind. Jon knew he was strong, and fast, but he was not sure of the Prince's skills. He lead the way to the bridge that over looked the sparring area. He took a spot standing beside the window, soon Jaesa was next to him. Her body was close to him, and for a moment Jon longed to get lost in the warmth of her.
"You can do it, Robb!." Her voice carried down to where his brother held a practice sword.
Jon watched as Robb looked up to them, his brother's face turning slightly pink before he turned back to the Prince. Robb had expressed to Jon his distaste for the Prince, and Jon could not blame him. He saw the way the prick looked at Sansa, and now that they were to be married it made a sticky situation.
"I think I made you brother blush, Jon Snow."
"Well you did make an unladylike scene."
He knew Jaesa was no proper Lady, even with her velvet voice and pretty looks. She was a Lady of the Wall, a black sister.
"Would you blush, Jon Snow? If I called your name and cheered for you?"
Her green eyes met his, a small smile on her lips. He looked back down to his brother, watching as Robb swatted the young Prince with the wooden sword. He could not answer her, not with pride. He knew if she had called his name in the same way she had Robb, his face would have been red.
"I will take that as a yes."
He heard a soft laugh leave her but he did not turn to her. He kept his eyes trained on the scene before him. He had a million words flying in his head, but not one would fit what he was feeling. He longed to be the innocent child again, but he had long since grown. He wasn't the child who could get away with his foolish actions, he was a man grown.
She hollered down again as Bran took the sparring ring, but unlike Robb his younger brother's face did not turn red. Instead the young boy just held a smile of pride on his face, as he stepped to the young Prince Tommen. Jon rested his hands on the ledge, watching his younger brother with concern. Bran was ten, and it was no secret his level of sword play did not match that of his brothers. Not yet. His worry faded as Tommen too struggled with the wooden sword in his hand.
"I would have liked to see you spar, Jon Snow. Maybe you can show me later if you can truly hold a sword."
She was joking with him, and as he went to open his mouth in response Arya made her appearance. Jon cursed under his breath, his sister successfully stealing Jaesa's attention from him.
"Arya, you better not be using me as an excuse to skip your lessons. It didn't work when I was here as child, it won't work now."
He watched his sister dodge around Jaesa, squeezing herself between Jon and the woman. Jaesa smiled but Jon could not hide the fact the he was unhappy with the distance placed between him and the woman. He was enjoying her warmth.
"I didn't use you as an excuse, Jaesa, I just didn't wish to be there."
Arya was always a stubborn child, and he often heard Lady Stark comment on Jaesa's influence on her. Jon could not blame Jaesa for Arya, she was barely six when the Lady Crow came to Winterfell. Jaesa's time had been spent mostly with Robb and himself, the boys enjoyed the company of the girl. Long after she had left, the two would talk about her and they both remembered the fortnight fondly. Jaesa could never be blamed for Arya, it was the wolf blood in the child's veins.
"I hope you don't get in too much trouble, Arya, I only have a fortnight left here."
Jon had not realized that she would be leaving so soon, he had wondered truly if she would stay this time. Not that her leaving mattered, he was taking the black himself. He would see her everyday, but at the Wall their friendship would no doubt be different. At the Wall he wouldn't be the bastard son of Lord Eddard Stark, he would be a sworn brother of the Night's Watch.
The only talking came from Arya, and from down below. Robb was speaking to Ser Rodrik about fighting with live steel, which would have been fine if it's wasn't the damned Prince. Robb could kill the boy. Jaesa watched with wide eyes, Jon caught himself looking over at her often. She shifted uncomfortably from time to time as the Hound spoke. It seemed like Jaesa did not like the look of the man.
"Will you train like that when you take the black?" Arya asked him.
"I would suppose so."
"You're taking the black?" Jaesa's voice cut over his harshly.
He watched her push back from the ledge, taking a stance in the middle of the bridge. Her body was ridged, her arms crossed over her chest in defiance.
"Aye, I am."
He watched her green eyes flash, her teeth biting into her lower lip She didn't speak, she turned from him and left him standing there. Arya looked confused, and Jon found himself confused as well. Why would she mind if he was taking the black? It was what he wanted. He would finally have a life where his bastard status wouldn't matter, and he could be an honorable man. He wasn't Robb, he would never be the Lord of a Keep. He was the bastard, and the Wall was his last chance at getting honor, doing something good for the realm. So why was Jaesa so angry?
Jaesa.
He couldn't take the black, he was foolish to think he could. Jaesa had felt an anger wash over her, an anger she had never once felt. Jaeasa was level headed, calm, and collected. She was always the voice of reason, she had grown up and learned from Maester Aemon how to be reasonable. He taught her she couldn't live her life as a wild woman, as a child forever. But yet she found herself pacing her chambers of Winterfell, anger flooding through her. He couldn't take the black. She wouldn't let him.
She was going to find Jon Snow, and she was going to tell him he couldn't take the black, that it was no place for a man like him. She would convince the man to see things her way, she was a woman. As Jaesa left the chamber given to her she ran straight into a man, just not the one she was seeking. Instead of finding Jon Snow, Jaesa ran into a tall, golden haired man. She had never seen him before, but from the talks she had with Robb Stark, she could only imagine her was Ser Jaime Lannister.
"My apologizes, Ser." Her head remained bowed.
"It is more than alright, my Lady."
Jaesa did not know why he assumed she was a Lady. She always believed it obvious to most she was nothing more than a bastard, but she supposed it was from living among people who knew her. She went to walk past the man, keeping her eyes trained on the stone floor below their feet.
"Wait, m'lady." Jaesa turned back to the man. "I was wondering if I could speak to you for a moment."
She contemplated him for a moment, she did not know him, she did not owe him her time. She knew what kind of man Ser Jaime Lannister was, she had heard the stories of him, but she knew better than to judge a man. Judgment was saved for the Gods, not her.
"What would you wish to speak to me about, Ser?"
"Would you come with me to have supper? We can speak over some food."
Jaesa was starved, but she needed to find Jon Snow. She needed to inform him of the life he would gain at the wall, which was no life for a man of his caliber. Even with her need for Jon Snow, Jaesa could not be rude, she did not wish to upset the knight of the Kingsguard.
"It would be my pleasure, Ser." She knew if he thought her a bastard he would have not sought her company.
So the two walked toward the guest hall, and to Jaesa's comfort it was empty. She did not long to eat with the royal family, they were not her kind of company. She found a seat as someone brought forward a plate of food, and a cup of wine for them both. Jaesa pushed the wine to the side, she had long since given up on drinking wine or ale. She watched the men at the Wall lose themselves upon the sweet liquid.
"May I seek your name, M'lady?"
Jaesa smiled to herself,she knew once she spoke her name the knight would excuse himself. He was a Lannister, and she was a bastard, those were not things that mixed well. Lord Eddard Stark was one of the few men who cared little for the taint upon a bastards name.
"My name is Jaesa Snow, Ser."
She did not look up from her plate, instead Jaesa picked at her food. She had long since given up on feeling shame for who she was. Being a bastard, and living at the wall was not the life Jaesa had chosen. It was the life bestowed upon her by the Gods, and her damnable parents.
"The Lady Crow, the Sister of the Night's Watch and the voice of the innocent. You have many names, and many rumors that follow you."
"That I do, but they are not names I have given myself," she said, "And you too have a few names, Ser Jaime."
She looked up and for a moment their eyes met. Jaesa noticed as they locked eyes that his held a similar color to her own, a bright emerald green.
"Aye." His voice held not contention. "I was always fascinated by your story, Lady Crow."
He was not the first to be intrigued by her past, many of the green boys would seek her out and question her. She of course had no answers on her parents, she could only speak speculation.
"Ask what you wish, Ser, I am sure they are not questions I have not had spoken to me before."
She heard the humm come from his lips, as the took a sip of his wine. She wondered if he too would lose his head to the liquid.
"They speak of you in Kings Landing as if you are some wild woman, but I have seen you around here and speaking to you now it appears to me they are quite wrong." A smile played on the mans lips.
"That wasn't a question, but I can tell you that once upon a time those stories were not far from truth." Jaesa thought back to her last trip to Winterfell. "As a child, under the guidance of Cotter Pyke, I was quite the wild one."
Even though she had long since grown from those days, she held a smile at some of the memories. Cotter Pyke was like her father for ten long years, and since his absence her life she had found new examples of how to act. With the guidance of Benjen Stark, the honorable ranger, Jeor Mormont and Maester Aemon, Jaesa learned grace.
"You live at East Watch by the sea then?"
"Not for years now." Her voice held a faint wisp of emotion. "I was sent to Castle Black to study under the Maester Aemon, I am now a trained healer."
She was proud of herself, proud of how she'd grown. Before Castle Black, Jaesa was nothing more than a screaming, fist fighting, wild kid. Now she had learned to read, to hold a bow and help others.
"I would believe that is why they call you the voice of the innocent then."
"It's more than my healing skills, Ser Jaime, but aye, it's part of the reason."
She had never asked for the names given to her but of them all she never minded being the voice of the innocent. She learned that helping others gave her a sense of accomplishment, gave her a purpose. A silence graced the air between them and Jaesa found herself at peace. She ate the food upon her plate with little worries of the conversation, her mind dwelling still on Jon Snow. She knew she would have to find him, but she knew he would not be well receptive of her words.
"What of your parents, or any family?"
She wished to laugh but she did not want to seem rude.
"I am surprised that tale had not reached Kings Landing, as it s the place from which I came from." She watched the man's eyes widen. "Or so the tale goes. I was found on a ship bound for East Watch as a babe, and I was taken in."
It was simple to her, but she had lived it her whole life. Her parents did not want her, and they had placed her upon a ship. Jaesa used to believe as a child that it was a mistake but that lasted only a few years before the truth of the matter set in. She was never wanted anywhere outside the Wall.
"I am sorry such a thing happened to you, I am sure your family..-"
"Jeasa Snow, I have been looking for you."
Jaesa was drawn from the Lannister man by the voice of Benjen Stark. She smiled to herself.
"I am sorry, Benjen." She stood from her seat. "What can I do for you?"
"I came to check if you still wished to go hunting with us on the morrow?"
She had apologized to Lord Stark, had been given her forgiveness, and the man had invited her on the King's hunt. She had willingly agreed, but with events of the day she wondered if she should. Jon Snow would no doubt be on the hunt, and depending on how their talk went it would be a mixed situation. As she thought upon her answer, she watched Benjen Stark look at the Kingsguard member in cold calculation. She knew of his feelings for Lannister blood.
"Aye,I still wish to come."
With her words Benjen placed a hand upon her shoulder, ushering her from the guest hall. She sent a smile back to the knight, and their eyes lingered upon each others for just a moment. Benjen lead her to the hall that held their guest chambers, his hand still on her shoulder.
"My nephew fears you are angered with him, Jaesa."
She looked down to the ground like a child caught sneaking sweets. She had not meant to show her anger with Jon Snow, but she could not help it.
"I apologize, Benjen." She felt trapped. "I didn't mean to bother him in such a way, it's just.. I just.. I don't believe he should take the black."
Her voice came out rushed in the end, she didn't mean to. The Wall was her home, and she loved it but it was not he place the men of the North had once painted it to be.
"Jaesa, it is not our place to tell him what to do."
"I know that, you know I know that." Her chest grew tight. "He's too good for it."
She watched Benjen's eyes, and she only hoped not to offend the man. Benjen Stark was an honorable man but he had taken the black years ago, it had changed in the years since.
"He'll gain honor at the Wall that he can't get here, Jaesa you wou-"
She knew what he was going to say, he was going to tell her she didn't understand. But he was wrong, she was a bastard, and she did not doubt even if her parents had kept her she would have been a bastard. She knew Jon Snow would gain a greater honor at the Wall, but he was far too good to fight among rapers and thieves.
"Worry not, I am going to bed." She walked past Benjen, her anger bubbling inside. "If you wish me to keep my opinion inside, I shall."
She didn't wait to hear his words, she shut herself away. She would tell Jon Snow how she felt, regardless of Benjen Stark's words. She would find him after the hunt, until then when they were riding she would speak nothing of her issues. The hunt would be as joyful as it was meant to be, and only after that trip would she bare her qualms to Jon Snow.
Jaesa Snow found herself laying in bed staring up in the ceiling. She knew they would be leaving at the break of dawn, and she would need the slumber. As she laid there all she could think about was the last night she had spent in Winterfell as a child, the last time she had seen Jon Snow. It seemed much had changed between them, she only hoped he saw that the Wall was no place for him.
To her suprise the last thought to enter Jaesa's mind before she slipped into the dark was why. She began to wonder why her family had left her to die, she was just a babe. She never really lingered upon those thoughts but for a moment as she slipped into sleep she thought of them.