Chapter Notes
Grab a Kleenex and try to refrain from reading in public, lest you be caught with tears in your soup. The angst is about to begin.
The next few days seemed like a blur to Veronica. The morning after their planning meeting, Logan and Keith swept the loft and their office for bugs. Finding one planted by Duncan under the lip of Veronica's desk, Logan took great satisfaction in dropping the listening device in the toilet, pissing on it, then flushing it down the Neptune sewer system. All other areas were clean, and Logan and Veronica were able to resume normal business hours the next day.
Mac had spent her day off hacking into every computer system the Kane's owned and came up with a date and time, that Friday afternoon, when Duncan and Weidmen would be in a Kane Software board meeting for most of the afternoon. She and Keith then set about outfitting his office for surveillance. Having picked up a few things from Mac over the years, Sandy took over some of the online investigations that needed to be done for clients. Wallace even spent the night trapped in a car with Logan, doing surveillance for another case, so he wouldn't be alone. And Alicia stayed with Veronica for "girls night" so she wouldn't be alone while Logan was on assignment.
Veronica and Logan tried to keep up their normal lives as best they could. They were both very glad Thursday morning when they got to play hooky and go to Veronica's OB/GYN appointment together.
Veronica sat on the examining table, swinging her legs at the ankles. Logan sat across from her in an office chair, reading all the various posters featuring women's reproductive organs, the development of the foetus, and pregnancy care tips. Neither one was saying a word.
Dr. Roberts burst though the door suddenly, jarring the couple out of their individual thoughts. "Ms. Mars. Mr. Echolls. Sorry for the delay. I was over at the hospital, in a delivery." She said and sat down on a rolling stool. She was still in her pink hospital scrubs, her dark hair pulled back in a bun and her glasses perched on the end of her nose. She pulled a tape measure from her desk drawer and wheeled herself over to Veronica. "Lay down on the table, please. Pull up your shirt and shimmy your pants down past your stomach." She instructed Veronica. Veronica did as she was told as Dr. Roberts continued to talk. "How are things? How is the pregnancy going?" She asked and stood up over Veronica.
"Things are good." Veronica replied. "My morning sickness stopped a few days ago. I'm feeling good." Dr. Roberts pulled the measuring tape over her belly from her pubic bone to her belly button and then to her diaphragm.
"Ummm..Doctor Roberts. Veronica has been a little stressed lately and her blood pressure has been high." Logan interjected, ratting out his wife. Veronica turned her head and scowled.
Dr. Roberts went back to her chart and marked down measurements she made. Looking further down the chart she commented. "The blood pressure reading the nurse-practitioner did today seems fine. You just need to watch it. Pregnant women can handle stress; it's just how they handle it that matters." She said with a smile. Diving into her desk again, she pulled out a handheld device. "Do you want to hear the baby's heartbeat today? You should be far enough along." She said and came back to Veronica.
Veronica was elated. "Yes! I was hoping we would get to do this today!" She said happily. She looked at Logan, his face was lit up with excitement .
Dr. Roberts smiled down at her. "Good! Let's get started then." She reached into a drawer in the table and pulled out some ultrasound gel. Smearing a bit on Veronica's stomach, she turned on the machine in her hand and held up a small wand. "This is a foetal Doppler. When we locate the baby, its heartbeat will be a little strange 'whooshing' beat." She said and looked down over her shoulder at Logan, who was sitting on the edge of his seat. She turned on the machine and a low 'shhhhhhhh' sound filled the room. Moving the probe around and around Veronica's belly slowly, she pressed the probe into her skin, searching. Veronica looked up from her belly to the doctor's face. She was frowning. All the blood drained from Veronica as she sensed something was not going according to plan. The doctor looked down at her and turned off the Doppler. The room was silent.
"It could still be too soon to hear, or the baby is in a strange position. I'm going to send you for an ultrasound. Just give me a minute to set it up and then I'll walk you over." She said and dropped the instrument down on her desk with a thud. She swept out of the room quickly, leaving Veronica and Logan silently frozen in their spots. By this point, Logan had stopped smiling and had turned stark white.
Veronica began to over compensate with talking. She adjusted her clothes and sat up. "I'm sure everything is fine. Just maybe too soon. Maybe I conceived after our honeymoon. You know, there was a LOT of sex around that time...who knows when I conceived for sure. And the baby is so small. Like, the size of a walnut, the book said? Or smaller? How are you supposed to find that behind all this pizza fat I've put on."
Logan rose and stood in front of her. "Everything will be fine." He said quietly and kissed her forehead. But he said it in a way that she knew he didn't believe it.
Dr. Roberts burst through the door again and gestured to them. "Follow me. I'm going to take you down the hall to ultrasound." She said quickly and started walking back out the door.
Logan took Veronica's hand and they hurriedly followed the Doctor to another room. There was a lab technician waiting for them. "Please lay down and pull up your shirt." He said coldly. Veronica walked over to the gurney and lay down. The room was dark and ominous. Logan took his place at the foot of the bed, leaning against the wall. He began chewing his nail. The doctor stood behind the technician as he slathered a probe in warm jelly. Without warning, he launched into pressing the wand against her belly. There was silence as he worked, only pointing to things that they couldn't see on the screen. Finally, he removed the probe and turned off the monitor. Nodding to the doctor, he left the room.
Dr. Roberts sat in a chair next to the gurney. "I'm sorry Veronica. We cannot detect a heartbeat. By the look of the position of the foetus in your uterus, it died several days ago."
Veronica was in shock. She couldn't process what was being said. "But I'm fine. I feel fine. Everything must be fine."
The Doctor shook her head sadly. "Veronica, I'm sorry, but these things happen in pregnancy. It doesn't mean that you can't try again in a few months. It just means that this pregnancy will not go to term, and there is nothing any of us can do."
"How did it happen?" Came Logan's low voice from the corner. Veronica looked over to see him, shrunk into the corner of the room.
The doctor sighed. "I don't know - no one can say for sure. In many cases the foetus just stops developing. It could be hormones; could be genetics; it just happens. But now we have to focus our attention on you, Veronica. I didn't detect any contractions which means the foetus may not be expelled naturally. We need to schedule a D and C to extract the foetus before you go septic. I'm going to talk to my staff about when we can get you in for surgery in the next few days." She said and rose from her chair, giving Logan and Veronica a sad look before exiting the room.
Veronica looked up at the speckled ceiling. The baby was gone. They'll never know if it was a boy or a girl. Never give it a name. Never see it. Never hold it. It wasn't even a 'baby' anymore. Somehow it became a 'foetus' and it needed to leave the safety of her body before it made her sick. And that's when Veronica opened up and cried from every pore in her body. Immediately, Logan was wrapped around her, as best he could while she lay there, weeping along with her. There were no words they could find to comfort each other, and so they let their emotions sweep them away.
When the first wave of their crying subsided, Logan sat in the chair next to the gurney and took her hand, kissing in gently. With her free hand, she awkwardly pulled her shirt back down over her still exposed belly, now just a protruding ball of fat in her eyes.
The Doctor must have heard them begin to quiet and she knocked softly on the door before entering. "I'm sorry to disturb you." She said softly. "I was able to book a time for surgery tomorrow at 2 pm. I've written down the location and the particulars on this information sheet." She put the sheet on the desk in the room and patted it so they knew where it was. "If you should feel cramping or bleeding tonight before the surgery, you need to go to emergency immediately so they can monitor you. Alright?"
When Veronica failed to make any acknowledgment, Logan nodded. "Alright. Thank you Dr. Roberts." He said quietly. Rolling back a bit, he reached for the paper on the deck, then rolled back to Veronica.
The doctor put her hand on Logan's shoulder. "I'm sorry for your loss. Take as much time as you need in here before you leave. No one will disturb you." She said. Logan nodded and turned his attention back to Veronica, who had turned her face to the wall, her eyes closed tightly. Dr. Roberts left quietly, leaving the couple alone to mourn.
Logan reached out and began stroking Veronica's hair lovingly. He watched as her rib cage rose and fell heavily as she tried to keep control of her emotions. Logan had gone stoic, trying to keep himself in check for the next time Veronica broke. After a time, Veronica turned her head back to Logan and opened her eyes, the sadness in her face was killing him. He bent his head down to hers and closed his eyes.
"I'm sorry." She said softly.
"For what?" He whispered back.
"For losing your child. Me and my defective uterus." She replied.
Logan pulled back so he could look her in the eye. "Don't you dare go blaming yourself." He said firmly. "You read the same pregnancy book I did. You know what the doctor said was right. I don't know how to say this any other way but, fucking shitty things happen and sometimes there is no one to blame but the universe for being a fucking shitty place."
Veronica smiled a small smile. "This is pretty fucking shitty."
He kissed her on the nose and put his face next to her. "This is by far the fucking shittiest thing, in a long list of fucking shitty things, that have happened to us in our lives. And it's going to be shitty for quite some time. But one day – and I promise you, that day will come – when it will be less shitty. But at least we have each other to hold onto during the shittiness."
Veronica let out a long breath. "I want to go home." She said in a small voice.
Logan reached for her hand and helped her sit up on the bed. "Then let's go." He responded. She dropped her feet over the edge and stood. She felt shaky and he wrapped his arm around her waist for support. His hand touched her belly and she felt him stifle a burst of tears. She put her head on his shoulder and together they walked out the door.
When they reached the loft, Veronica crawled into bed, fully clothed, and cried until she passed out. The only thing Logan could do was cry along with her and hold her until she slept. When he was sure she was sleeping soundly, he slipped out of her arms and made his way downstairs to the office.
When Sandy saw him come through the door, she squealed with excitement. "Oh my god! How did the baby appointment go? Did you hear the heartbeat?" She stood from her desk and finally noticed the haggard look on Logan's face. He locked the door to the office and collapsed onto the couch.
Mac had heard her girlfriend's voice and emerged from her office. "Hey! What's the word, boss?" She called down the hall as she walked. She came into the lobby to see Logan siting on the couch with his hands over his eyes, Sandy standing in shock behind her desk. Mac sat down softly next to her old friend. "Logan..." She began.
"We lost the baby." He choked out the words, a fresh wave of tears washing over him.
Mac threw her arms around him. "Oh no! Oh no!" She said over and over as tears began to flow from her.
Sandy collapsed into her seat again, completely deflated, and started crying to herself quietly.
After a time, Logan regained control again and uncovered his eyes. Mac took her arms from around him and wiped her eyes with the back of her hands. "Sandy..." He began slowly. "I need you to cancel all appointments until next Tuesday. Veronica has to go for surgery tomorrow and neither of us will be up to returning until next week. And maybe just me, not her."
Sandy nodded and wiped her eyes with a Kleenex. "Okay." She said quietly. "Whatever we can do to help."
Logan nodded. "Veronica is asleep right now. I wanted to come downstairs and call Alicia and Keith where she wouldn't hear me."
Mac patted his back. "Whatever you need. We are here." She reiterated.
Logan gave her a tight smile and stood from the couch. "Thank you both so much. I'll be in my office for a bit and then I'm heading back to the loft." He then made his way down the hall, closing himself in his office.
Alone for the first time, he collapsed behind the door, allowing his misery to overtake him again momentarily. Picking himself up, once his tears were done, and dragged himself to his seat. Letting his hand hover over the phone for a beat, he picked it up and dialled Keith and Alicia's number.
After a few rings, Alicia answered happily. "Hello?"
Logan took a deep breath. "It's Logan." He said quietly.
Alicia's instincts kicked in. "Logan, honey. What's wrong?"
"We lost the baby." He said for the second time today, still not getting used to the sound of it.
A deep gasp came from Alicia before she burst into tears. "Oh my poor boy. Poor Veronica. I'm so sorry for you both."
Logan took a deep sigh, surrounding himself in the compassion Alicia was giving. "There was nothing we could do. It just happened."
Alicia dropped her voice. "I know, honey. Unfortunately, these terrible things happen. How is Veronica?"
Logan wiped his eyes. "Terrible. She cried herself to sleep. I'm too worked up, so I came downstairs to call you and Keith." His voice dropped. "Except I can't...I can't tell Keith. I just can't bear to disappoint him like this."
"I will tell him. And Wallace. But please, let us know what we can do to help." She said.
Logan exhaled. "Veronica has to go for surgery tomorrow afternoon. I know that the family has...plans...for tomorrow, but maybe tomorrow evening...if we need you..."
"I will be wherever you need me. So will Keith. We love you both." She responded kindly.
Logan could feel his emotions getting a hold of him again and felt the need to hang up and run. "Thank you Alicia. I have to go and check on Veronica."
"Of course. Keep in touch." Alicia choked, her emotions bubbling up too.
Logan hung up the phone and leaned back in his chair, staring up at the loft above him. He thought about his grieving wife, his dead child, his mourning family, and finally, he thought of Duncan. A rage began to build in him like a gyser bubbling up from his gut. It was all fine. Everything was perfect. And then Duncan came back. Logan threw himself out of his chair with such force that it fell over backwards. With a barbaric yell, Logan launched everything off his desk, and onto the floor with a crash. He looked at the damage – papers everywhere, computer smashed – and decided more needed to be done. Walking over to one wall covered by bookshelves, he grabbed a book from a shelf and launched it at the other wall, letting it crash through the glass of the large art print that hung in the middle of the space. He took another one and did the same. And another and another, each time, letting out a growl of anger and frustration. He kept going until tears of anger sprung to his eyes again, blurring his view. His breathing became ragged and he finally exhausted himself after a time. Sitting among the ruins of his office, he felt better and worse. The anger was gone but the sadness remained.
There was a small knock on the door and Mac shoved her hand through an opened crack. She waived a white Kleenex in the air. "Don't throw anything at me! I just want to rescue your computer!" She exclaimed.
Logan let out a small laugh. "You may want to grab the printer too before I go all 'Office Space' on it."
She poked her head in. "Nah. That printer sucks. Trash it with a baseball bat then let me get a new one. Do the one at Sandy's desk too."
Logan leaned back against the bottom of his desk. "This is all just so fucked up, Mac." He said.
She came and sat down among the rubble. "Yeah. It is."
He looked at her seriously. "You know what you can do for us?"
She looked at him strangely. "What?"
"Nail Duncan's ass to the wall."
She winked at him. "Consider it done."